Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Yahoo ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | CHAD KULTGEN

Posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Crime/Corruption; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: batboy; humor; stocks; unusual; wallstreet
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-77 next last
To: JeepInMazar; All
Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Curiously, even if he could prove it to be true, he is still guilty of insider trading.

41 posted on 03/28/2003 3:31:14 PM PST by ElkGroveDan (Fighting for Freedom and Having Fun)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Billthedrill
*Soylent_Green_Rollerball_alert
42 posted on 03/28/2003 3:31:46 PM PST by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
This is my kind of thread. Bump for later!
43 posted on 03/28/2003 3:38:05 PM PST by Alex Murphy (Athanasius contra mundum!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: big ern

44 posted on 03/28/2003 3:38:12 PM PST by socal_parrot (Jean Valjean, the only decent Frenchmen.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 42 | View Replies]

To: justanotherfreeper

45 posted on 03/28/2003 3:38:28 PM PST by Bubba_Leroy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: ElkGroveDan
But, the statute of limitations would have run out by 2256.
So he wouldn't be prosecutable then.
But only in 2256.
*Chuckle*
Wonder what else he's going to say for himself.
46 posted on 03/28/2003 3:39:34 PM PST by Darksheare (Nox aeternus en pax.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
He should already know how his cse turns out. ;^)
47 posted on 03/28/2003 3:46:29 PM PST by js1138
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
Note that the story is at www.tv.yahoo.com. That's the Yahoo TV domain. Check out some of the other Weekly World News stories they have links to:

Dumb Ways People Have Died
Thursday March 27, 2003, Weekly World News

Hitler Had A Secret Son
Wednesday March 26, 2003, Weekly World News

America Should be A Bad-Ass Cowboy
Tuesday March 25, 2003, Weekly World News
I'm madder than Roy Rogers with a busted guitar at all these filthy foreigners whining about how Americans are a bunch of "cowboys." These yahoos think we're the bad guys and that the real problem in the world today is "American imperialism" -- not that nutcase Saddam having enough anthrax and nerve gas to wipe out the human race 10 times over. Well, folks, I say it's high time for Uncle Sam to proudly tell the world he is a cowboy. A bad- ass cowboy who's not afraid to shoot first and ask...

Close Shave For Dictator's Double
Monday March 24, 2003, Weekly World News

Earlier Stories
How You Can Own A Piece Of Iraq Land
Monday March 24, 2003, Weekly World News
Archaeologist Finds 12,000 Year Old Magazine From Atlantis!
Friday March 21, 2003, Weekly World News
Secret Videotape Shows Lions Eating Christians In Iraq
Thursday March 20, 2003, Weekly World News
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003, Weekly World News
Schools Will Soon Force Your Kids To Take Drugs!
Tuesday March 18, 2003, Weekly World News
Fish Has Human Face!
Monday March 17, 2003, Weekly World News
Bigfoot Captures Sexy Camper For His Love Slave
Friday March 14, 2003, Weekly World News
Terrorists Are Buying Up America!
Thursday March 13, 2003, Weekly World News

48 posted on 03/28/2003 3:49:27 PM PST by giotto
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: lambo
And the cure for AIDS -- lots and lots of cheeseburgers.

No. That would be preventive medicine.

49 posted on 03/28/2003 3:50:56 PM PST by woofer
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: socal_parrot

ROLLERBALL!

50 posted on 03/28/2003 3:55:51 PM PST by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 44 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
Hmmmmmmmmm.............There is simply no way that this guy could possibly have insider information on so many, different deals; one or two, but not 126!!!!!!!!!!!

My bets on the time traveler story.

51 posted on 03/28/2003 3:56:59 PM PST by DoctorMichael (Liberalism = Evil)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
Can somebody ask this guy when the Red Sox finally win another World Series?

52 posted on 03/28/2003 3:58:17 PM PST by SamAdams76 (California wine beats French wine in blind taste tests. Boycott French wine.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
How come he didn't know he got caught? Catching the worlds first time traveller would probally make the news.
53 posted on 03/28/2003 4:07:54 PM PST by calljack
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
But not by much......
54 posted on 03/28/2003 4:08:15 PM PST by genefromjersey (Save the last 6 for pall-bearers !)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: SamAdams76
Can somebody ask this guy when the Red Sox finally win another World Series?
Or better yet...when the Cubs dynasty begins!
55 posted on 03/28/2003 4:42:03 PM PST by prairie dog
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 52 | View Replies]

To: Dog Gone
Or a pack of cigarettes by next week.
56 posted on 03/28/2003 4:46:16 PM PST by JSteff
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: lambo
"And the cure for AIDS" We already have that in two different forms. Abstinence or hetrosexual sex only.
57 posted on 03/28/2003 4:49:11 PM PST by JSteff
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: JeepInMazar
DUH... A "smart time traveler" would have read the internet archives, and found out how he got arrested, and worked out different plans until he gets back clean. But if he were a smart time traveler, he would not be using time travel for illegal purposes now would he. I guess this is a "stupid time traveler" story then.

I wonder if this hits the news in 2256 as Darwin Award. Time traveler ignores common knowledge, and gets stuck jail for 50 years in 2003.
58 posted on 03/28/2003 4:59:00 PM PST by ElectricRook
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dpwiener
Did somebody call for Manse Everard?
59 posted on 03/28/2003 5:06:24 PM PST by kcar
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: woofer
"And the cure for AIDS -- lots and lots of cheeseburgers."

"No. That would be preventive medicine."

No, the preventative medicine for AIDS is to keep the reproductive organ of one man out of the rectum of another man.

The cure for AIDS is to quarantine those who are unwilling to follow the preventative medicine procedures.

60 posted on 03/28/2003 6:18:10 PM PST by SpyGuy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 49 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-77 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson