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Yahoo ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | CHAD KULTGEN

Posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar

Wednesday March 19, 2003


NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

TOPICS: Business/Economy; Crime/Corruption; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: batboy; humor; stocks; unusual; wallstreet
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To: SpyGuy
No, the preventative medicine for AIDS is to keep the reproductive organ of one man out of the rectum of another man.

Yeah, but... If one of these is a cheeseburger-scarfing pig like Michael Moore... well, let's just say it would probably kill the mood.

61 posted on 03/28/2003 6:29:48 PM PST by woofer
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To: Rammer
I thought he was arrested carrying Gray's Sports Alamanac. Wait wasn't that Michael J. Fox
62 posted on 03/28/2003 6:32:52 PM PST by appeal2
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To: giotto
Are you adding perspective?

Weekly World News stories they have links to: Dumb Ways People Have Died Thursday, March 27, 2003, Weekly World News

Hitler Had A Secret Son Wednesday, March 26, 2003, Weekly World News

America Should be A Bad-Ass Cowboy Tuesday, March 25, 2003, Weekly World News I'm madder than Roy Rogers with a busted guitar at all these filthy foreigners whining about how Americans are a bunch of "cowboys."

63 posted on 03/28/2003 6:47:10 PM PST by GOPJ
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To: JeepInMazar
An early April Fool Day?? When I saw Weekly World News, that is when I knew that we had been had!
64 posted on 03/28/2003 6:49:42 PM PST by lizbet (Obey God and things will be better for the USA!)
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To: DoctorMichael
Agree!!! LOL The odds are better he's a time traveler rather than 126 on the mark deals. :o
65 posted on 03/28/2003 6:55:58 PM PST by BossLady (Liberalism is a mental disorder.....)
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To: JeepInMazar
X42 would give his left knut to get hold of that "machine".
66 posted on 03/28/2003 7:53:32 PM PST by Waco
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To: JeepInMazar

Is he a friend of Bat Boy?

67 posted on 03/28/2003 7:59:07 PM PST by FreedomCalls (It's the "Statue of Liberty" not the "Statue of Security.")
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To: Only1choice____Freedom
I believe this guy is the real deal. He went into a panic when the SEC cops told him to "make your time".
68 posted on 03/28/2003 8:01:37 PM PST by Lawgvr1955 (Never draw to an inside straight)
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To: JeepInMazar
I say hold him for 200 years and then release him into the time he came from. He will not have missed a beat so how can it be punishment?
69 posted on 03/28/2003 8:04:38 PM PST by Mind-numbed Robot
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To: danneskjold
Jenny put the "sigh" in sci-fi!

Thanks for the pix!

70 posted on 03/28/2003 8:05:28 PM PST by who_would_fardels_bear
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To: calljack
"Catching the worlds first time traveler would probably make the news."

He was never caught. It never made the news. You never read this thread, and my reply was never sen...
71 posted on 03/28/2003 8:21:02 PM PST by kcar
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To: JeepInMazar
Bump for FUTURE read
72 posted on 03/28/2003 9:09:20 PM PST by Colorado Doug
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Are you adding perspective?

Ah--good one!

73 posted on 03/28/2003 9:33:05 PM PST by giotto
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To: TomServo
The search function doesn't work very well then. I searched for 'Time-Traveler' 'Time Traveler' and Time Traveler.
74 posted on 03/29/2003 6:01:43 AM PST by JeepInMazar (
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To: giotto
How You Can Own A Piece Of Iraq Land

Just think if you had a piece of land there with a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert right now.

75 posted on 03/29/2003 6:06:41 AM PST by JeepInMazar (
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To: JeepInMazar
I thought using future knowledge in stock transactions wasn't declared illegal until 2521.
76 posted on 03/29/2003 7:24:41 AM PST by gitmo ("The course of this conflict is not known, yet its outcome is certain." GWB)
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To: JeepInMazar
77 posted on 04/01/2003 11:52:39 PM PST by kimosabe31
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