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CNN DECLARES "All-Out War" AGAINST FOX NEWS
BSNN.net ^ | 03.07.03 | NathanPorter

Posted on 04/07/2003 8:46:09 AM PDT by fight_truth_decay

NEW YORK, NY — “This will not stand,” fumed General Walter Isaacson, CNN’s commander in chief, as he announced his declaration of war on Roger Ailes and the FOX News Channel yesterday. The dispute between CNN and FOX has been simmering for years, exploding into public view in recent months. But the final straw for CNN was when Britt Hume mocked CNN’s “sexy Paula Zahn ad” on his show, Special Report. Isaacson blames Roger Ailes for the anti-CNN attacks, so CNN helicopter gun-ships struck a commissary just yards from the FOX News leader's New York office yesterday.

Simultaneously, CNN F-16 warplanes (purchased from the Clinton Administration) attacked FOX's Washington headquarters in an attempt to take out Brit Hume. Separate CNN incursions pushed into several FOX News-controlled cable markets early today while CNN special forces seized control of the lobby in the FOX News Building in Manhattan — a symbol of FOX News’ hopes for world-wide news domination.

The strikes were CNN’s first military retaliation against FOX News in a rapidly escalating war over cable news domination and whether or not Paula Zahn is sexy, repugnant, or just plain forgettable. In a televised address aired on all CNN channels, General Isaacson did not say what further steps would be taken but announced a “war – a real war – against FOX," and said Roger Ailes had chosen "a strategy of insults."

"We are at war — it's either CNN or FOX," Isaacson told viewers.

FOX News, which recently scored its biggest ratings victory against CNN, accused CNN of supporting terror by putting Paula Zahn on air in the morning.

Said FOX chief Ailes: "It's like waking up to a dead raccoon in your bed. Scary stuff."

For its part, the White House tried to stay out of the crossfire.

"The president's point of view is that he has no point of view," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said. "But certainly the president believes corporations have the right to defend themselves,” he added.

But does that corporate entitlement include the right to send armed forces into military combat against a competitor?

A CNN cruise missile sails by the window of MSNBC during their live coverage of the attack on FOX News.

"To say that CNN is engaged in a legitimate act of defense is to ignore the facts,” FOX News Propaganda Minister Bill O’Reilly told BSNN. “It is the FOX News Channel that is defending itself against a military occupation of its headquarters and bureaus.”

The CNN strike against FOX headquarters in Manhattan wounded 13 people, area health officials said. Around 5 CNN cruise missiles launched from B-52's pounded FOX headquarters and hit Laurie Dhue’s underground dressing room/bunker. The resulting lipstick fire sent a pall of thick smoke over the city. Three FOX News satellite trucks and two of Roger Ailes’ bulletproof limousines were destroyed, but Ailes was not in New York .

CNN Brig. Gen. Jamie McIntyre said Mr. Ailes’ limos were hit because "that’s where we thought the fat bastard would be."

Speaking by satellite phone from an undisclosed subterranean location, a furious Roger Ailes rallied the FOX troops asking them to face the coming struggle like winners: "We are at war. We will beat the enemy until they are a quivering mass of toe-jam. Americans love a winner and they hate a loser. Bill Press is a loser. Paula Zahn is a loser. Greata Van Susterin is a loser. Wait, no, Great Van Sustern is no longer a loser…well, at least she’s our loser. Anyway, we are going to win this war."

Taking his leader’s words to heart, FNC news anchor Shepard Smith immediately hijacked a passing taxi, drove to CNN’s New York headquarters and ran over a young intern who was saving a parking space for Walter Isaacson’s Hummer.

"I've always thought of this as a #$%^*& war and now I can &*(((^^$% hurt people without #$%*&%@ doing jail time," says Smith. "We want to put 'em $#&&^* away. I don't think there's any #%%&*$ secret about that. If you don’t @$&&^&%$ like it, Mr. Walter *&&^$#@ Isaacson, then $%&^%^&$!!."

The use of B-52’s and F-16's in the strikes was the first time that warplanes have been used in a TV network dispute since the 1979 war between NBC and ABC, which began when Jessica Savitch accused Geraldo Rivera of stealing a bag of cocaine from her purse.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Culture/Society; Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: cnn; fox; foxnewsratings; humor; iraqifreedom; ruserious; televisedwar; urkiddinme
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1 posted on 04/07/2003 8:46:09 AM PDT by fight_truth_decay
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To: fight_truth_decay
LOL!!!

-Regards, T.
2 posted on 04/07/2003 8:49:11 AM PDT by T Lady (.Freed From the Dimocratic Shackles since 1992)
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To: fight_truth_decay
ROTFL
3 posted on 04/07/2003 8:49:30 AM PDT by I still care (All evil needs to prosper is that good men do nothing)
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To: fight_truth_decay
Wait, where are the FOX Fan Legions?
4 posted on 04/07/2003 8:50:35 AM PDT by Terpfen
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To: fight_truth_decay
A slanted article. Obviously, Fox has already won, and CNN is just late to the hostilities. ;-D
5 posted on 04/07/2003 8:50:49 AM PDT by Judith Anne (God bless our soldiers with swift victory...)
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To: Terpfen
Wait, where are the FOX Fan Legions?

CNN delanda est.

6 posted on 04/07/2003 8:51:54 AM PDT by Polybius
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To: fight_truth_decay
CNN- Weapon of Mass Distortion.
7 posted on 04/07/2003 8:52:00 AM PDT by techcor
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To: fight_truth_decay
The use of B-52’s and F-16's in the strikes was the first time that warplanes have been used in a TV network dispute since the 1979 war between NBC and ABC, which began when Jessica Savitch accused Geraldo Rivera of stealing a bag of cocaine from her purse.

LMAO! They saved the best line for the end!

8 posted on 04/07/2003 8:53:34 AM PDT by TontoKowalski
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To: fight_truth_decay
I saw Brit Hume Saturday in Georgetown. He looked OK to me, happy, no obvious injuries.
9 posted on 04/07/2003 8:54:57 AM PDT by 3AngelaD
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To: fight_truth_decay
Victory is ours. CNN will fail.
10 posted on 04/07/2003 8:56:11 AM PDT by bmwcyle (Semper Gumby - Always Flexable)
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To: fight_truth_decay
OUTSTANDING!
11 posted on 04/07/2003 8:57:26 AM PDT by Bobbisox
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To: fight_truth_decay
LOL! Indexing for later enjoyment.
12 posted on 04/07/2003 9:01:54 AM PDT by 6ppc
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To: bmwcyle
Picture James Carville as the CNN Information Minister.
13 posted on 04/07/2003 9:02:14 AM PDT by Democratshavenobrains
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To: fight_truth_decay
bump!
14 posted on 04/07/2003 9:04:10 AM PDT by clintonh8r (You can have no better friend and no worse enemy than a U.S. Marine.)
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To: fight_truth_decay
Getting in my pick up truck to go do jihad against a CNN tank now...don't worry, i have my embedded reporter with me
15 posted on 04/07/2003 9:05:23 AM PDT by KansasCanadian (Baghdad Bob on Comedy Central)
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To: fight_truth_decay
I was just at Uno's to pick up some lunch, when I noticed that the TVs above the bar were tuned, not to CNN, but to Fox News Network!
16 posted on 04/07/2003 9:08:22 AM PDT by COBOL2Java
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To: fight_truth_decay
Fox will win. They have better C3 and heavy infantry. (Of course, the Cub Scouts have better C3 and heavy infantry than CNN).
17 posted on 04/07/2003 9:10:22 AM PDT by strela ("a' poppin' off at Pop's Sodium Shop")
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To: KansasCanadian
It is obvious that Aaron Brown was taken out the first night in a decapitation strike. The dummy claiming to be Aaron Brown CNN has propped up night after night in front of the camera is clearly a cardboard cut-out.
18 posted on 04/07/2003 9:11:22 AM PDT by San Jacinto
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To: fight_truth_decay
If CNN had warplanes, wouldn't they be MiGs?
19 posted on 04/07/2003 9:12:01 AM PDT by Illbay (Don't believe every tagline you read - including this one)
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To: fight_truth_decay
LOLOL funny
20 posted on 04/07/2003 9:12:20 AM PDT by finnman69 (!)
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To: Democratshavenobrains
Picture James Carville as the CNN Information Minister.

Perfect!

21 posted on 04/07/2003 9:12:29 AM PDT by San Jacinto
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To: 3AngelaD
Oh, sure! And just 100 yards away elements of the CNN invading forces were parading through the streets!
22 posted on 04/07/2003 9:13:11 AM PDT by Illbay (Don't believe every tagline you read - including this one)
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To: fight_truth_decay
Hilarious, but you didn't mention The Forehead!


23 posted on 04/07/2003 9:14:19 AM PDT by O.C. - Old Cracker
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To: Terpfen
Wait, where are the FOX Fan Legions?

FOX Fedayeen saddle up!

24 posted on 04/07/2003 9:15:16 AM PDT by ErnBatavia (Bumperootus!)
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To: fight_truth_decay
Hilarious!
25 posted on 04/07/2003 9:15:43 AM PDT by amused (Republicans for Sharpton!)
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To: Terpfen
The FOX fans are waiting in the West New Jersey Petrolieum Fields to start the invasion of Atlanta..
26 posted on 04/07/2003 9:17:18 AM PDT by ewing
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To: fight_truth_decay
CNN............

Cancelled News Network
27 posted on 04/07/2003 9:18:38 AM PDT by DD938 (God Bless America & Great Britian ( an old Navy veteran))
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To: San Jacinto
It is obvious that Aaron Brown was taken out the first night in a decapitation strike. The dummy claiming to be Aaron Brown CNN has propped up night after night in front of the camera is clearly a cardboard cut-out.

My sources tell me that Aaron Brown was not decapitated, but was treated by Russian doctors for a series head wound. He was last seen at CNN headquarters, walking through pre-emptive smoky oil fires and glad-handing the staffers

28 posted on 04/07/2003 9:18:41 AM PDT by KansasCanadian (Baghdad Bob on Comedy Central)
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To: San Jacinto
Your report is premature....

Aaron Brown has changed into his golf clothes and has hidden himself amoung other golfer's on a local municipal golf course.

This might have been a misguided decision on Brown's part as all golf courses are closed on Monday.

FOX Special Ops are, at this very momment, infiltrating all 19th holes around the greater metro area for signs of Brown and his henchmen. Developing...

29 posted on 04/07/2003 9:18:44 AM PDT by battlegearboat (I'm almost done.)
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To: fight_truth_decay
The only problem with this attack description, is that CNN doesn't have this advanced equipment. They're using the likes of Zahn, Blitzer, Chung/King (takeout) against Hume, Smith, Cavuto, O'Reilly, Hannity/Colmes. We have the long range bombers, the cruise missiles and the precision bombs. They have the devisions in full retreat.

FoxNews has it's tanks in their palace, and they have Larry King on the air telling folks our troops are outside killing themselves.

Bagdad Bob has nothing on CNN. CNN should change their intials to HasBn.

30 posted on 04/07/2003 9:19:56 AM PDT by DoughtyOne
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To: ewing
Whoa ! Who would want to invade ATLANTA ???

Calcutta, maybe, but Atlanta ??

31 posted on 04/07/2003 9:21:12 AM PDT by genefromjersey (Save the last 6 for pall-bearers !)
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To: fight_truth_decay
Good stuff. I'm glad you have that Smirking Jerk Bill Press in there, even though he is now over at MSNBC and WMAL.
32 posted on 04/07/2003 9:21:29 AM PDT by leadpenny (OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM)
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To: fight_truth_decay; Interesting Times
This was humorous but not outrageously funny because all humor has to have some basis in truth and it is impossible to imagine anyone at CNN having the capability to rally troops of any type. Now, had the author speculated on CNN being capable of sponsoring terrorism.... that would be more accurate!

Regards,

TS

33 posted on 04/07/2003 9:21:48 AM PDT by The Shrew
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To: 3AngelaD
That was one of Brit's doubles. He never goes out it public with the war on. :)
34 posted on 04/07/2003 9:22:01 AM PDT by xp38
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To: battlegearboat
Aaron Brown has changed into his golf clothes and has hidden himself amoung other golfer's on a local municipal golf course.

Reporting from the 19th hole, Fox special ops has just replaced Brown's Pink Lady with an exploding Titlest Xout

35 posted on 04/07/2003 9:22:39 AM PDT by KansasCanadian (Baghdad Bob on Comedy Central)
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To: nina0113
ping -- this is too funny.
36 posted on 04/07/2003 9:22:56 AM PDT by Steve1789
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To: Judith Anne
Obviously, Fox has already won, and CNN is just late to the hostilities. ;-D

Obviously, CNN is getting their copy of the NY Times a day late! ;D

37 posted on 04/07/2003 9:24:00 AM PDT by Dutchgirl ( "We have missiles named Hellfire. Theirs are named Seersucker. You tell me who's going to win.)
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To: genefromjersey
Only the CNN Center in Atlanta, the light infantry march from New Jersey to Georgia will be the 'fastest in modern history'
38 posted on 04/07/2003 9:25:34 AM PDT by ewing
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To: battlegearboat
Aaron Brown has retreated to Pine Valley Golf Club taking his two top commanders with him, Judy 'Minister of Information' Woodruff and Christianne 'Where's My 5 Star Hotel' Ammenpour.
39 posted on 04/07/2003 9:28:39 AM PDT by ewing
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To: fight_truth_decay
CNN = DNC = French = Germans
40 posted on 04/07/2003 9:29:36 AM PDT by skinkinthegrass (Just because your paranoid,doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. :)
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To: fight_truth_decay

"No. No. FOX News is NOT leading CNN. No. CNN is victorious. It is like a snake in the desert..."

41 posted on 04/07/2003 9:30:17 AM PDT by SquirrelKing ("I drank what?" - Socrates)
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To: fight_truth_decay
Good one.:)
42 posted on 04/07/2003 9:30:59 AM PDT by RightOnline
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To: fight_truth_decay
Hehehehe........
43 posted on 04/07/2003 9:32:14 AM PDT by sweetliberty ("Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your your mouth and remove all doubt.")
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To: fight_truth_decay
Taking his leader’s words to heart, FNC news anchor Shepard Smith immediately hijacked a passing taxi, drove to CNN’s New York headquarters and ran over a young intern who was saving a parking space for Walter Isaacson’s Hummer.

LOL! My favorite line.

Did anyone hear Shepard Smith's Freudian slip this morning? He said he hoped the war would soon come to a "successful confusion".

44 posted on 04/07/2003 9:33:11 AM PDT by MCH
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To: skinkinthegrass
Don' you just love this.
CNN and Saddam have a lot in common.
They don't know when to give up.
45 posted on 04/07/2003 9:33:15 AM PDT by fabriclady
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To: O.C. - Old Cracker
That's not a forehead...that's A FIVEHEAD!!
46 posted on 04/07/2003 9:34:33 AM PDT by Puppage (You may disagree with what I have to say, but I will defend to your death my right to say it)
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To: fight_truth_decay
"Walter Isaacson’s Hummer."

Hmm, he has a Monica Lewinsky type on staff?
47 posted on 04/07/2003 9:36:09 AM PDT by poet
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To: SquirrelKing
"More viewers watch a portion of CNN during the day than FOX" (counting their entire world viewership)-this guy could really work for CNN..!!


48 posted on 04/07/2003 9:36:47 AM PDT by ewing
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To: fight_truth_decay
UPROARIOUS! "It's like waking up to a dead raccoon in your bed. Scary stuff." Was she crying to make her masquera run - that usually gives rise to a racoon look?
49 posted on 04/07/2003 9:43:18 AM PDT by Henchman
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To: fight_truth_decay
"CNN Brig. Gen. Jamie McIntyre said Mr. Ailes’ limos were hit because "that’s where we thought the fat bastard would be."

Hahahahah!!!!

50 posted on 04/07/2003 9:50:04 AM PDT by Theresa
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