Posted on 04/07/2003 8:46:09 AM PDT by fight_truth_decay
NEW YORK, NY — “This will not stand,” fumed General Walter Isaacson, CNN’s commander in chief, as he announced his declaration of war on Roger Ailes and the FOX News Channel yesterday. The dispute between CNN and FOX has been simmering for years, exploding into public view in recent months. But the final straw for CNN was when Britt Hume mocked CNN’s “sexy Paula Zahn ad” on his show, Special Report. Isaacson blames Roger Ailes for the anti-CNN attacks, so CNN helicopter gun-ships struck a commissary just yards from the FOX News leader's New York office yesterday.
Simultaneously, CNN F-16 warplanes (purchased from the Clinton Administration) attacked FOX's Washington headquarters in an attempt to take out Brit Hume. Separate CNN incursions pushed into several FOX News-controlled cable markets early today while CNN special forces seized control of the lobby in the FOX News Building in Manhattan — a symbol of FOX News’ hopes for world-wide news domination.
The strikes were CNN’s first military retaliation against FOX News in a rapidly escalating war over cable news domination and whether or not Paula Zahn is sexy, repugnant, or just plain forgettable. In a televised address aired on all CNN channels, General Isaacson did not say what further steps would be taken but announced a “war – a real war – against FOX," and said Roger Ailes had chosen "a strategy of insults."
"We are at war — it's either CNN or FOX," Isaacson told viewers.
FOX News, which recently scored its biggest ratings victory against CNN, accused CNN of supporting terror by putting Paula Zahn on air in the morning.
Said FOX chief Ailes: "It's like waking up to a dead raccoon in your bed. Scary stuff."
For its part, the White House tried to stay out of the crossfire.
"The president's point of view is that he has no point of view," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said. "But certainly the president believes corporations have the right to defend themselves,” he added.
But does that corporate entitlement include the right to send armed forces into military combat against a competitor?
A CNN cruise missile sails by the window of MSNBC during their live coverage of the attack on FOX News.
"To say that CNN is engaged in a legitimate act of defense is to ignore the facts,” FOX News Propaganda Minister Bill O’Reilly told BSNN. “It is the FOX News Channel that is defending itself against a military occupation of its headquarters and bureaus.”
The CNN strike against FOX headquarters in Manhattan wounded 13 people, area health officials said. Around 5 CNN cruise missiles launched from B-52's pounded FOX headquarters and hit Laurie Dhue’s underground dressing room/bunker. The resulting lipstick fire sent a pall of thick smoke over the city. Three FOX News satellite trucks and two of Roger Ailes’ bulletproof limousines were destroyed, but Ailes was not in New York .
CNN Brig. Gen. Jamie McIntyre said Mr. Ailes’ limos were hit because "that’s where we thought the fat bastard would be."
Speaking by satellite phone from an undisclosed subterranean location, a furious Roger Ailes rallied the FOX troops asking them to face the coming struggle like winners: "We are at war. We will beat the enemy until they are a quivering mass of toe-jam. Americans love a winner and they hate a loser. Bill Press is a loser. Paula Zahn is a loser. Greata Van Susterin is a loser. Wait, no, Great Van Sustern is no longer a loser…well, at least she’s our loser. Anyway, we are going to win this war."
Taking his leader’s words to heart, FNC news anchor Shepard Smith immediately hijacked a passing taxi, drove to CNN’s New York headquarters and ran over a young intern who was saving a parking space for Walter Isaacson’s Hummer.
"I've always thought of this as a #$%^*& war and now I can &*(((^^$% hurt people without #$%*&%@ doing jail time," says Smith. "We want to put 'em $#&&^* away. I don't think there's any #%%&*$ secret about that. If you don’t @$&&^&%$ like it, Mr. Walter *&&^$#@ Isaacson, then $%&^%^&$!!."
The use of B-52’s and F-16's in the strikes was the first time that warplanes have been used in a TV network dispute since the 1979 war between NBC and ABC, which began when Jessica Savitch accused Geraldo Rivera of stealing a bag of cocaine from her purse.
Perfect!
FOX Fedayeen saddle up!
My sources tell me that Aaron Brown was not decapitated, but was treated by Russian doctors for a series head wound. He was last seen at CNN headquarters, walking through pre-emptive smoky oil fires and glad-handing the staffers
Aaron Brown has changed into his golf clothes and has hidden himself amoung other golfer's on a local municipal golf course.
This might have been a misguided decision on Brown's part as all golf courses are closed on Monday.
FOX Special Ops are, at this very momment, infiltrating all 19th holes around the greater metro area for signs of Brown and his henchmen. Developing...
FoxNews has it's tanks in their palace, and they have Larry King on the air telling folks our troops are outside killing themselves.
Bagdad Bob has nothing on CNN. CNN should change their intials to HasBn.
Calcutta, maybe, but Atlanta ??
Regards,
TS
Reporting from the 19th hole, Fox special ops has just replaced Brown's Pink Lady with an exploding Titlest Xout
Obviously, CNN is getting their copy of the NY Times a day late! ;D
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