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CLINTON'S MEMOIRS (first sentence a problem)
wackyzoo.com ^

Posted on 04/09/2003 10:39:37 AM PDT by Liz

William Jefferson Clinton will fetch a handsome $10 million plus to write his memoirs, but that's only if he completes the manuscript.

Already, we have inside information that he's struggling with the first sentence:

1st DRAFT: Once upon a time, on a girl called Hope ... (crumple, crumple)

2nd DRAFT: Once upon a time, in a town called Hope, I was looking for a place to dispose of Vince Foster's body when ... (crumple, crumple)

3rd DRAFT: Be honest. You know why you purchased this book. You want juicy details about the defining episode of my presidency. Well, you've come to the right place, because starting here, in Chapter One, I will reveal everything I know about my attempts to broker a lasting peace in Northern Ireland ... (crumple, crumple)

4th DRAFT: As I sit here in my Harlem office, smoking a fine cigar ... (crumple, crumple)

5th DRAFT: My close friend Lani Guinier ... (crumple, crumple)

6th DRAFT: My close friend George Stephanopoulos ... (crumple, crumple)

7th DRAFT: My close friend Webb Hubbell ... (crumple, crumple)

8th DRAFT: Are you an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 35 years old and looking to meet a well-connected gentleman friend? (crumple, crumple)

9th DRAFT: Monica. If you're reading this, please call. (crumple, crumple)

10th DRAFT: I still can't believe she kept the dress. (crumple, crumple)

11th DRAFT: Hey, Starr. How much did Knopf pay for your memoirs? In Your Face! (crumple, crumple)

12th DRAFT: Inhale? Shoot. I practically swallowed the whole bong. (crumple, crumple)

13th DRAFT: This is the story of great love affair between a dashing young president and his ruthlessly ambitious, withholding shrew of a wife. (crumple, crumple)

14th DRAFT: Ruth Bader Ginsberg makes me hot. (crumple, crumple)

15th DRAFT: It was a night to remember. Barbra Streisand was bouncing on the trampoline in the Lincoln Bedroom. Ted Kennedy was sprawled in the corner, drinking a 32-ounce Singapore Sling. I knew then we needed to bomb Iraq. (crumple, crumple)

16th DRAFT: I'm just going to dodge this draft. (crumple, crumple)

17th DRAFT: Economy good. The End. (crumple, crumple)

18th DRAFT: It's tough to write a memoir when you're not sure what the meaning of "was" was. (crumple, crumple)

19th DRAFT: Remember when I saved Haiti? Nobody ever talks about that. (crumple, crumple)

20th DRAFT: During the darkest days of my presidency, when my moral failings were exposed to the world, I sought spiritual counsel from the Rev. Jesse Jacks ... (crumple, crumple)

21st DRAFT: Pardon me for squandering my legacy. I pardoned everyone else. (crumple, crumple)


TOPICS: Announcements; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: bubbaisms; bubbaporn; clinton; clintonautobiography; clintonlegacy; criesoncue; greatthreads; impeachedpresident; liesoncamera; liesunderoath; satire; x42
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Why do people hate me? ....would be a great beginning.
1 posted on 04/09/2003 10:39:37 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
Somehow the words "Clinton" and "Memoirs" (version of memory) in the same sentence doesn't make sense, since he has "No Memory".

ROFLOL.
2 posted on 04/09/2003 10:41:11 AM PDT by PetroniDE (Have Sign, Have Bullhorn, Will Freep -- WAR ON !!!)
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To: Liz
The more time that goes by, the less value any book with "Clinton" in the title will have. By the time either memoir is published, it will go straight to the $1.99 bin (where it will still collect dust).
3 posted on 04/09/2003 10:41:36 AM PDT by Larry Lucido
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4 posted on 04/09/2003 10:42:52 AM PDT by Support Free Republic (Your support keeps Free Republic going strong!)
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To: Liz
"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out..." (crumple crumple)

"Call me Ishmael..." (crumple crumple)

5 posted on 04/09/2003 10:44:07 AM PDT by My2Cents ("Well....there you go again.")
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To: Liz


Whooo-raaah!!!

MEGA-

Stay Strong
Fuzzy

6 posted on 04/09/2003 10:46:12 AM PDT by fuzzy122
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To: Larry Lucido; My2Cents; PetroniDE
I would bet good money that the Clintons ghostwriters wrote the two books
long ago and were waiting for the market and politics to decide the release.

But history, in the form of 9/11, caught up with the two lying connivers. They have to revise,
regroup and rewrite so as to make themselves look good in light of the devastation they've
wrought upon our nation.

7 posted on 04/09/2003 10:47:49 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
Chapter 1: Head Bangers Ball

"There I was, speaking on the phone with Congressman Hoyer about funding for current military operations, when of a sudden..."

8 posted on 04/09/2003 10:48:55 AM PDT by quark
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To: Liz
It was a night to remember. Barbra Streisand was bouncing on the trampoline in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Nope -- it was Linda and Markie.

9 posted on 04/09/2003 10:49:12 AM PDT by martin_fierro (Mr. Avuncular)
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To: Liz
"Rosebud...."
10 posted on 04/09/2003 10:50:29 AM PDT by kimoajax
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To: martin_fierro
Ol' BillyBoy rewrites facts as he sees fit.
11 posted on 04/09/2003 10:51:08 AM PDT by Liz
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To: kimoajax
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
12 posted on 04/09/2003 10:52:01 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
Clinton's Legacy Of Greatness in numerical order 1. .
13 posted on 04/09/2003 10:52:02 AM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Caring Rational Alert Professional)
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To: Liz
I would venture to guess that whoever gives him 10 million bucks is probably looking for favorable treatment from Senator Hillary.
14 posted on 04/09/2003 10:52:04 AM PDT by Slyfox
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To: Liz
Liz..Clinton's ego will force him to keep interjectign himself into politics, and that almost guarantees that the Dems will never be able to regain power as long as he's alive....He has a life expectancy of about 35 years, unless he doesn't die from a drug overdose or an STD.....so,
15 posted on 04/09/2003 10:53:07 AM PDT by ken5050
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To: My2Cents
"Twas the night before Christmas..... (crumple, crumple)
16 posted on 04/09/2003 10:53:12 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
It was the best of times and I made it the worst of times...
17 posted on 04/09/2003 10:53:18 AM PDT by pbear8 ( sed libera nos a malo)
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To: PetroniDE
Strange ways of "rewarding" crooked politicians, phony contracts, "consulting" fees, speaking, etc. Time to follow the money and see for what the favor is due!

Have you noticed how Klintoon rape victims were treated and how "that woman" was treated with all kinds of "deals" like payola for losing her fat A$$ (what happened?).

Am I the only one who doesn't believe that it was just "oral sex"? Like here is the certified rapist (when sees the woman) and here is the stupid emphatuated intern resorting only to "sucking" ? - RIGHT!

She had the dress, she had him by the balls, she agreed to keep qiet if properly rewarded. Where is the pack of "just" journalists (still chasing Lott)? Will Klintoons get away with EVERYTHING! Hitlery for President - that's all we need!

Freep & Roll!

18 posted on 04/09/2003 10:54:11 AM PDT by Leo Carpathian
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To: Flurry
Make that minuz zero.
19 posted on 04/09/2003 10:54:17 AM PDT by Liz
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To: pbear8
Heheh. Good one.
20 posted on 04/09/2003 10:54:55 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
It All Began (Unfortunately) in a Place Called Hope

Bill Clinton was born (a poor black child, named) William Jefferson Blythe III on August 19, 1946, in the small town of Hope, Arkansas. He was named after his (purported) father, William Jefferson Blythe II, who (like dozens of other Clinton associates) had been killed in a car accident just three months before his (evil) son was born. Needing to find a way to support herself and her new (evil) child, Bill Clinton's mother, Virginia Cassidy Blythe, moved to New Orleans, Louisiana, to study nursing. Bill Clinton (had his horns surgically removed and) stayed with his mother's parents in Hope. There he was surrounded by many relatives who (married each other and) gave him love and support and who played a significant role in his upbringing.

Bill Clinton's grandparents, Eldridge and Edith Cassidy, taught him (to not have) strong values and beliefs. They owned a small grocery store just outside of Hope, and despite the segregation laws of the time, (Bill's spinmeisters invented the story that) they allowed people of all races to purchase goods on credit. They taught their (evil) young grandson that everyone is created equal and that people should not be treated differently because of the color of their skin (although you should choose cabinet members not on their qualifications, but on their race and gender.) This was a lesson Bill Clinton never forgot (yet he couldn't remember getting sucked off by an intern).

His mother returned from New Orleans with her nursing degree in 1950, when her (evil) son was four years old. Later that same year, she married an automobile salesman named Roger Clinton (who soon realized that he was the stepfather to devil-spawn). When Bill Clinton was seven years old, (he spun his head around 360 degrees and) the family moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas. Known for its natural mineral hot springs, its scenic beauty, and its racetrack, Hot Springs was bigger than Hope and offered better (chicks and) employment opportunities. Roger received (oral sex from a hooker, and then landed) a higher paying job as a service manager for his brother's car dealer-ship and Virginia was able to find a better job (and accidently kill a guy) as a nurse anesthetist. In 1956. Bill Clinton's (dopey) half-brother, Roger Clinton, Jr., was born. When his (halfwit) brother was old enough to enter school, young Bill (killed a cat in a ritualistic offering to Satan and) had his last name legally changed from Blythe to Clinton (much to the chagrin of his stepfather)...

21 posted on 04/09/2003 10:55:34 AM PDT by dead
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Comment #22 Removed by Moderator

To: ken5050
Clinton's ego will force him to keep interjecting himself into politics, and that almost
guarantees that the Dems will never be able to regain power as long as he's alive....

Nice dream to contemplate.....hope it comes true.

23 posted on 04/09/2003 10:56:44 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz

24 posted on 04/09/2003 10:57:52 AM PDT by geedee
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To: Liz
"I...I...and then I...but I..."

"Now let's talk about me for a minute..."

25 posted on 04/09/2003 10:58:10 AM PDT by chimera
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To: dead

Clinton family portrait. That's young
Roger Clinton, left, with his parents.

26 posted on 04/09/2003 10:58:57 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
Minus zero is not a real number. I feel that 1. with nothing listed sums it up. Now, if we wanted to list all the bile he and his henchpersons heaped on the American people, Freerepublic would need a bigger server.
27 posted on 04/09/2003 10:59:34 AM PDT by Conspiracy Guy (Caring Rational Alert Professional)
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To: Liz
"Last night I dreamt I was at the Mandy lay. Or was her name Monica? Whatever.
28 posted on 04/09/2003 11:00:37 AM PDT by Attillathehon (Just got this story in my email.)
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To: chimera
"Now let's talk about you for a minute. So, what do you think about ME?"
29 posted on 04/09/2003 11:02:17 AM PDT by quark
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To: Liz
> They have to revise, regroup and rewrite so as to make
> themselves look good in light of ...

They have a bigger problem than that.

The "I can't recall" twins also have to make extremely
sure that the books don't include details "not recalled"
under oath and on the record. That may not leave much to
say.

It could happen. Liars and psychotics have a problem. They
have to hold two (or multiple) realities in their brains,
and make sure that details from the fake universes don't
spill over into the real one. Slip-ups happen. Even the
Soviet Union couldn't keep its lies straight. Lawyers will
be watching, and reading.
30 posted on 04/09/2003 11:04:51 AM PDT by Boundless
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To: Attillathehon
"I lead a lonely life as a child until I found a position as a governess at Thornfield Hall".......
......better make that "president of the United States" (crumple, crumple)
31 posted on 04/09/2003 11:06:26 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Boundless
Nice take....very nice.
32 posted on 04/09/2003 11:07:08 AM PDT by Liz
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To: geedee

"Tee hee. This is the real me. I'll
write about my multiple personalities."

33 posted on 04/09/2003 11:09:42 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
"The media is not finding as easy a transfer of its prurient affections ... from the traitor-pervert Bill Clinton --- to the sinister and corrupt socialist polyp Tom Daschle. A warthog would have the same problem and write it off as aesthetic."
34 posted on 04/09/2003 11:14:16 AM PDT by f.Christian (( who you gonna call ... 1 800 orc // evo bstr ))
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To: dead
More, more, I want more!
35 posted on 04/09/2003 11:18:15 AM PDT by Taffini (I like Tony Soprano even though he is a fat-boy)
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To: Liz
Shouldn't his autobiography begin:

"Dear Penthouse Forum,

I know that everyone always says it but you'll never believe the story that I am about to relate!

I was working in the office late one night when one of the college interns cozies up to me. I order a pizza (her favorite!) and..."

36 posted on 04/09/2003 11:19:45 AM PDT by weegee (McCarthy was right, Fight the Red Menace)
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To: Larry Lucido
>>>straight to the $1.99 bin

*gasp* That's an awful lot for a Clinton book!!
37 posted on 04/09/2003 11:19:47 AM PDT by 4mycountry (Anyone can be average---it takes something special to be weird. I am honored to be weird.)
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To: dead
LOL.
Did you seee post 24?
38 posted on 04/09/2003 11:21:08 AM PDT by 4mycountry (Anyone can be average---it takes something special to be weird. I am honored to be weird.)
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To: Liz

"I was born a poor black child."

39 posted on 04/09/2003 11:23:48 AM PDT by weegee (McCarthy was right, Fight the Red Menace)
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To: weegee
"I was born a poor black child and everyone called me a jerk." (crumple, crumple)
40 posted on 04/09/2003 11:26:41 AM PDT by Liz
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To: weegee
Dear Playboy,

When are you gonna do a centerfold on Playmates of Presidents Who Fooled Around?"

41 posted on 04/09/2003 11:28:22 AM PDT by Liz
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To: Liz
DRAFT 22: The most important lesson I learned as the President of the United States is to retain a sense of humor. When leaving the funeral of Ron Brown, I...(crumple, crumple)
42 posted on 04/09/2003 11:33:50 AM PDT by kitkat
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To: chimera
"I...I...and then I...but I..."

"Now let's talk about me for a minute..."

Check out this description (and my heckling) of Bubba's thrill at writing his autobiography:

[Q: Let me ask you about your book. Maybe you can do anything, but with respect it's hard to imagine you sitting in a room for hours at a stretch, pulling out your hair and writing. Can you actually write this book?]

Yes. [The "yes" was very quick a sharp. Then a pause and a shift to a more jovial and reflective tone.] But let me tell you how I'm doing it.

You know, I was scared to death I wouldn't be able to do it. So we had this old barn at the house, a hundred-year-old barn. And I converted it into an office. There was a little apartment in the back, so I made it a little bigger and converted it into an office. And in this office I have all my Native American pottery and stuff I've been collecting for thirty years. And my photo albums from the White House, the kind of non-right-wing-kook books about the Administration[Ah, those must be the boot licking toadies and lapdog books.], a whole collection of other people's memoirs, my tapes of the White House years, increasingly tapes I've done with Ted Widmer for oral history. [Widmer was a White House speechwriter and now teaches at Washington College in Maryland.] And then I have out in the garage all these boxes of stuff. I've got my grade school band programs. I've got every letter I wrote to my mother in college and every letter she wrote to me. I organize this stuff, I bring the boxes in, I sit down and make an outline. I read what I've got in the oral history. And I sit and I write in a notebook.

I have a notebook, and I write it all. I got the most done in August when I didn't have anything else to do.[I guess that the foundation he spends 'half' his time with must have been on vacation] But when I get free days, book days, I go out there and I sit at a glass table, and I sit there and I write. I do get some work done on the road. I make outlines of how I want to write the next section. I started out with an outline I made well over a year ago that I've pretty much stuck to. But it has been difficult. It's been frustrating. I haven't gotten the time. When I get a little bit behind... I'm more or less on schedule for where I'm supposed to be to be finished next June. So it can come out around Thanksgiving. I want to have it come out at the holiday season.

Some of this has been painful for me, but it's all been wildly instructive. And it convinced me that nearly every person over fifty should try to find a time to sit down and engage in the same exercise, even if you never intend to publish anything. You need to think about what really meant something to you. Who did you really love. Who really made you what you are. What the seminal events did. And also it's an incredible discipline. Because I found it shocking to me what I remember and what I don't. [Don’t' worry, Bubba, some of us will never be able to forget what you did to this nation.] It's shocking to me what I can remember factually and how hard it is for me to be absolutely sure about how I felt at the time. You know[An accomplished author and a Rhode scholar should really try to avoid phrases like "you know"], how did I feel when I was 16?[Bubba this really shouldn't be so hard, you are a perpetual adolescent. Grow up.] I don't really know. Because I have some letters and other things it's a little easier to kind of return to those days. I've got an amazing amount of stuff in my pre-public life, and I'm working through it.

But so far I've had the time of my life. [Of course this is the time of your life. You're spending it obsessing over the person you love the most in your life, yourself]You know, this is scary. And you know it's frightening to write a book. Even if you've been totally honest, and think the book is you, what if people don't like it? [Yeah, tell me about it.] You can't make 'em buy a book. You know, what was that line from The Producers - Sometimes they won't come and you can't make 'em; [Clinton laughs heartily]

An Interview With Bill Clinton (long)

43 posted on 04/09/2003 11:43:06 AM PDT by weegee (McCarthy was right, Fight the Red Menace)
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To: Liz
"Hillary was assigned to me as my Communist operative and from that moment on ...."
44 posted on 04/09/2003 12:06:32 PM PDT by Joy Angela
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To: Liz
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! GREAT GRAPHIC!
45 posted on 04/09/2003 12:09:59 PM PDT by geedee
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To: Taffini
Click the link at the top of Post #21 for the whole thing.

The link also explains its origins.

46 posted on 04/09/2003 12:15:43 PM PDT by dead
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To: 4mycountry
Yeah, that gif's a classic.
47 posted on 04/09/2003 12:16:20 PM PDT by dead
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To: Liz
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought I would write to the Forum....
48 posted on 04/09/2003 12:17:41 PM PDT by Spruce
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To: Liz
The reason a book authored by William Jefferson Clinton will sell is because in order to write his book he must collaborate with Mrs. Clinton, and she with him. The two books must validate each other. How much is revealed depends on how gutsy the author. The writers are facing vast potential for error.

We shall see.

49 posted on 04/09/2003 12:34:54 PM PDT by MosesKnows
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To: Liz
In the begining...(crumple, crumple)

It was the worst of days, it was the uh worst of days...(crumple, crumple)

50 posted on 04/09/2003 12:37:53 PM PDT by Free_at_last_-2001 (is clinton in jail yet?)
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