CLINTON'S MEMOIRS (first sentence a problem)

William Jefferson Clinton will fetch a handsome $10 million plus to write his memoirs, but that's only if he completes the manuscript.

Already, we have inside information that he's struggling with the first sentence:

2nd DRAFT: Once upon a time, in a town called Hope, I was looking for a place to dispose of Vince Foster's body when ... (crumple, crumple)

3rd DRAFT: Be honest. You know why you purchased this book. You want juicy details about the defining episode of my presidency. Well, you've come to the right place, because starting here, in Chapter One, I will reveal everything I know about my attempts to broker a lasting peace in Northern Ireland ... (crumple, crumple)

4th DRAFT: As I sit here in my Harlem office, smoking a fine cigar ... (crumple, crumple)

8th DRAFT: Are you an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 35 years old and looking to meet a well-connected gentleman friend? (crumple, crumple)

11th DRAFT: Hey, Starr. How much did Knopf pay for your memoirs? In Your Face! (crumple, crumple)

12th DRAFT: Inhale? Shoot. I practically swallowed the whole bong. (crumple, crumple)

13th DRAFT: This is the story of great love affair between a dashing young president and his ruthlessly ambitious, withholding shrew of a wife. (crumple, crumple)

15th DRAFT: It was a night to remember. Barbra Streisand was bouncing on the trampoline in the Lincoln Bedroom. Ted Kennedy was sprawled in the corner, drinking a 32-ounce Singapore Sling. I knew then we needed to bomb Iraq. (crumple, crumple)

18th DRAFT: It's tough to write a memoir when you're not sure what the meaning of "was" was. (crumple, crumple)

19th DRAFT: Remember when I saved Haiti? Nobody ever talks about that. (crumple, crumple)

20th DRAFT: During the darkest days of my presidency, when my moral failings were exposed to the world, I sought spiritual counsel from the Rev. Jesse Jacks ... (crumple, crumple)

21st DRAFT: Pardon me for squandering my legacy. I pardoned everyone else. (crumple, crumple)

It All Began (Unfortunately) in a Place Called Hope

Bill Clinton was born (a poor black child, named) William Jefferson Blythe III on August 19, 1946, in the small town of Hope, Arkansas. He was named after his (purported) father, William Jefferson Blythe II, who (like dozens of other Clinton associates) had been killed in a car accident just three months before his (evil) son was born. Needing to find a way to support herself and her new (evil) child, Bill Clinton's mother, Virginia Cassidy Blythe, moved to New Orleans, Louisiana, to study nursing. Bill Clinton (had his horns surgically removed and) stayed with his mother's parents in Hope. There he was surrounded by many relatives who (married each other and) gave him love and support and who played a significant role in his upbringing.

Bill Clinton's grandparents, Eldridge and Edith Cassidy, taught him (to not have) strong values and beliefs. They owned a small grocery store just outside of Hope, and despite the segregation laws of the time, (Bill's spinmeisters invented the story that) they allowed people of all races to purchase goods on credit. They taught their (evil) young grandson that everyone is created equal and that people should not be treated differently because of the color of their skin (although you should choose cabinet members not on their qualifications, but on their race and gender.) This was a lesson Bill Clinton never forgot (yet he couldn't remember getting sucked off by an intern).

His mother returned from New Orleans with her nursing degree in 1950, when her (evil) son was four years old. Later that same year, she married an automobile salesman named Roger Clinton (who soon realized that he was the stepfather to devil-spawn). When Bill Clinton was seven years old, (he spun his head around 360 degrees and) the family moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas. Known for its natural mineral hot springs, its scenic beauty, and its racetrack, Hot Springs was bigger than Hope and offered better (chicks and) employment opportunities. Roger received (oral sex from a hooker, and then landed) a higher paying job as a service manager for his brother's car dealer-ship and Virginia was able to find a better job (and accidently kill a guy) as a nurse anesthetist. In 1956. Bill Clinton's (dopey) half-brother, Roger Clinton, Jr., was born. When his (halfwit) brother was old enough to enter school, young Bill (killed a cat in a ritualistic offering to Satan and) had his last name legally changed from Blythe to Clinton (much to the chagrin of his stepfather)...

> They have to revise, regroup and rewrite so as to make
> themselves look good in light of ...

They have a bigger problem than that.

The "I can't recall" twins also have to make extremely
sure that the books don't include details "not recalled"
under oath and on the record. That may not leave much to
say.

It could happen. Liars and psychotics have a problem. They
have to hold two (or multiple) realities in their brains,
and make sure that details from the fake universes don't
spill over into the real one. Slip-ups happen. Even the
Soviet Union couldn't keep its lies straight. Lawyers will
be watching, and reading.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.