'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[dark_lord]

On the other hand, it can be argued that the purpose of sex is for procreation. If you are not trying to have kids, then by definition you are a pervert. (Pardon me whilst I don my asbestos armor. Okay...done. Flame away.)

[Registered]

I feel dangerous, I'll give it a bump!

"Her idea of foreplay is me taking out the trash and doing the dishes while keeping the kids entertained."

I get lots of foreplay. LOL.

[laurav]

This is just sad ... everyone trying to win the rat race and no time for each other. Both partners should cut back on the hours at work.

[laurav]

If men understood how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids ... they'd do more of it.

[TheBigB]

Comedian John Mendoza: "I once dated a gal who said that foreplay should last 90 minutes. I said, 'Ninety minutes? Does that include the drive over?'"

[Registered]

I'm incredibly sexy then!

[papertyger]

"Her idea of foreplay is me taking out the trash and doing the dishes while keeping the kids entertained."

That's nothing. What about when her idea of foreplay is a two and a half hour swedish massage?

[justshutupandtakeit]

That is the purpose with animals, not humans, otherwise there would be cycles of fertility like in animals. Women don't go into "heat" like female animals.

God made us different for recreation not merely creation.

[Temple Drake]

hey-- that's MY idea of foreplay -- but I will settle for 45 minutes if I don't have to keep nudging the masseur awake! The rewards are worth it!

[Cicero]

Numerous studies have shown that observant Jews, loyal Catholics, and church-going Protestants who avoid extramarital affairs and have traditional values have more and better sex than postmodernist yuppies and swingers.

I would agree. If you honor marriage and family and use sex with love and mutuality as it was meant to be used, things work out better.

I notice that this writer does not recommend pornography, and I agree. That would only make matters worse: more unnatural, dehumanized, self-centered, and mechanical.

[taxed2death]

....consequently, if women know how sexy it was to saaaaaaaaaaaaay......install stage three injectors and a pyrometer in a Dodge Turbodiesel, they'd get more too........

[Aliska]

Aside from the other things mentioned, too many couples tend to pick someone based on lust which seldom lasts. I think maybe there is a deeper love that lasts that passes most couples by.

[William McKinley]

If women acted as if they actually considered that sexy, I am sure men would catch on.

"Will you rub my back, I am so tired" is not a way to demonstrate that you found earlier actions 'sexy'.

[Registered]

"I think maybe there is a deeper love that lasts that passes most couples by"

It is FReeper looove.

[6323cd]

That thing got a hemi in it??? :>)

[Grando Calrissian]

All women need to know that quickest way to turn off a guy is to say these 5 words:

"What are you thinking about?"

[dirtboy]

I think maybe there is a deeper love that lasts that passes most couples by.

Like beer and Cheez-Its?

[banjo joe]

Here's a great line from a local tire retailer: "take care of your customer or someone else will".

Repeat often. At your peril, of course.

[ItsOurTimeNow]

This is just sad ... everyone trying to win the rat race and no time for each other. Both partners should cut back on the hours at work.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Vanity destroys everything.

[William McKinley]

It's all in ze louve

[dirtboy]

It is FReeper looove.

Easy, boy.

[governsleastgovernsbest]

the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages

Some couples don't find it a problem at all.

[Dementon]

If men understood how sexy it is to help with housework without being asked, to change diapers, to call babysitters, to play with the kids ... they'd do more of it.

If this is all you need to do, I must be the sexiest man alive ;)

[tuna_battle_slight_return]

"Women don't go into "heat" like female animals."

You must not know the women I know!

[laurav]

Yep, life won't be better if you get the promotion but your spouse leaves you. Just a thought...

[laurav]

A Los Angeles-area electronics consultant, a fitness buff, complains that his wife's weight gain has left him cold. He's not alone: Overweight spouses are a common beef among men and women who work out at his gym, he says.

One of the funniest lines in the Al Franken "Oh The Things I Know!" graduation book is that gaining weight and letting your appearance go to hell are good ways to passive-agressively punish your spouse. Says something about the Franken marriage!

[papertyger]

hey-- that's MY idea of foreplay -- but I will settle for 45 minutes if I don't have to keep nudging the masseur awake! The rewards are worth it!

No offense intended, but "the rewards" are very seldom worth it...therein lies the problem.

[MikeD]

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

MD

[txflake]

Bravo!

[cake_crumb]

Everybody's spouse has something about them that gets on their nerves. There really is no quick fix, though immersion in the rat race definitely doesn't help.

[papertyger]

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Ever try holding a woman to that?

Good Luck.

[whereasandsoforth]

Yeah, just like beer & cheeze-its. Sex is, always has been, and always will be, over-rated. Describe to me, in twenty words or less, your last orgasm. One can sometimes get more satisfaction, and real "after-results", from a great meal.

I like sex, please. It is nice to be with the woman I love. But I'll be damned if I will ever think sex is all man and woman have to share. There is so much more for an intelligent being to gather from the union. So many more things than the last orgasm. Sex is nice, but love is the true experience.

[sonserae]

Glad you read this!

[MikeD]

Ever try holding a woman to that?

No, my wife holds me to it... ;^{)

MD

[FeliciaCat]

"That's nothing. What about when her idea of foreplay is a two and a half hour swedish massage?"


Now your talking.....

[ItsOurTimeNow]

Yep, life won't be better if you get the promotion but your spouse leaves you. Just a thought...

Again, I agree.

I've always held the belief that it is possible to run a family on one income. The problem is, when you have two couples heavily immersed in the rat race, they're working to support a lifestyle, not just run a family.

My wife is a Stay-at-home-mom, and my salary (high 30K range) is enough to suit us fine. Granted, we don't take vacations in hawaii, or weekenders in the Hamptons, but we have a very close family because of it.

[dirtboy]

Describe to me, in twenty words or less, your last orgasm.

I'll try. Uh... Ung... Ah... Ah... Ahhh... Uh... AHH.. UUUHHH... AHHRGH... Oh, cripes, get that damned dog off the bed!

[Chemist_Geek]

Those people ought to be glad that they have a spouse to begin with...

[sonserae]

Oh my gosh! That was funny!

[luckystarmom]

I'll agree with that statement!!!!!!!!!!! While doing that, the woman can relax and gain some energy back.

[luckystarmom]

When my husband and I both worked, everything was great. We also worked at the same company which was lots of fun.

Things got hard once we had 3 little kids and 1 income, so I don't buy the 2 income thing.

[Reeses]

Women don't go into "heat" like female animals.

There's an evolutionary reason for that. Unlike less intelligent animals, humans can assess long term consequences for short term behavior. A cave man would lock up his daughter or keep an extra eye on his wife if he knew either were in heat. Because of that, women who had pronounced signs of heat bred much less than women who's heat was hidden. Nature has had to use trickery to get the human female pregnant, and has also given human females the reward of orgasm, something no other type of female animal has.

Before the invention of abortion and the pill, more than half the people born were accidents. The invention and widespread adoption of the pill happened too fast for nature to adapt new tricks. The result is having a profound impact on the gene pool. The smartest women do not have any kids, pretty much capping how smart women in general can be.

[ItsOurTimeNow]

Oh, cripes, get that damned dog off the bed!

Usually with us, it's a tiny voice coming in over the baby monitor at the most crucial moments.

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Mommy! Daddy! Bad dreams!"

[RMDupree]

Lack of female sex drive is almost always a result of fatigue.

That's why the sex life suffers (in most cases) after kids are born. We're just too durned tired!

[sauropod]

Interesting thread ping...

[sonserae]

Wow...you are full of opinions without any facts. Don't know where you are coming up with these philosophies...maybe in your cave or something.

[justshutupandtakeit]

Orgasms in women is another indication that sex is not strictly procreational in humans.

I don't believe smarter women don't have kids. Nor that that would cap the level of intelligence for them anymore than for their male offspring.

[Aeronaut]

Sex is nice, but love is the true experience.

Amen! I am lucky enough to feel I have married my best and most trusted friend.

[Interesting Times]

Although therapy can still help a marriage if only one spouse participates, it's best if both attend. If your spouse resists, try saying, "We need to talk more about our relationship, and I think a third party might help," suggests William Northey of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, Alexandria, Va.

Now there's an objective, disinterested opinion.

Try making a deal: "If you attend just one session, I'll get off your back."

"Tell me, what will it take for you to buy this fine previously-owned automobile today?"

Usually one session is enough to allow a good therapist to win over a reluctant spouse. Some are willing to call a resistant spouse to urge participation.

No surprise there.

She asks, "Is it worth it for me to go through some kind of therapy?"

"Absolutely," says Tony Jurich, a past president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy...

Our motto: "Your dysfunction is our renumeration."