Do others affect your self esteem?

Web MD medical news | May 30, 2003 | Jeanie Lerche Davis

[Sonny M]

Is your self-esteem affected by others' opinions? It sure is, according to a new study, which shows that virtually everyone -- no matter what they say -- cares what people think of them.

We all know people who steadfastly deny that their self-esteem isn't based on the opinions of others, says Mark R. Leary, PhD, psychologist at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C. His study appears in the current Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Psychologists have noted that people in Western cultures "underestimate the degree to which their behavior is affected by their concerns with preserving face and avoiding embarrassment," he writes.

Other researchers have speculated that a person's low self-esteem or high self-esteem actually helps determine how another person feels about them -- whether they dislike or like them.

Leary and his colleagues set out to determine what was true. In two experiments, they tested the effects of social approval and disapproval on 36 college students.

First, each student completed a questionnaire that measured low or high self-esteem. Then, each filled out another questionnaire about themselves -- describing personal information like the loneliest time in their lives and their happiest childhood memory.

Others in the group read these personal accounts, then decided: Would they want to know that person better, based on this information?

Then, after learning if people liked them or not, each person revealed how this news affected them. Did being liked, approved, or accepted make a difference? Did they feel low self-esteem or high self-esteem?

In the second experiment, Leary changed things a bit. At the outset, he asked people to evaluate how they thought their self-esteem would be affected by others' approval or disapproval.

He then led them through the same series of exercises -- the questionnaires, the personal accounts, the revelations regarding "liking" or "disliking," the self-evaluation -- and how all this ultimately affected their self-esteem.

The upshot of it all? Even those who strongly denied caring about others' approval were indeed affected by it: Disapproval created twinges of low self-esteem. "The results of this study show that social approval and disapproval affect virtually everyone's feelings about themselves, even those individuals who steadfastly and adamantly claim that their feelings about themselves are not affected by other people's evaluations," says Leary in a news release.

"People underestimate the degree to which they are influenced by others," he says. "It's hard to know why, but part of it may be the American ideal of marching to your own drummer. We grow up thinking we shouldn't be affected by what others think."

The study helps remind us that perfectly healthy people -- with perfectly healthy self-esteem -- are still affected by what others think, he says. Occasional feelings of low self-esteem are only normal.

[Sonny M]

Oh god, another study on self-esteem.

[M. Peach]

"Oh god, another study on self-esteem."

And how does that make you feel?

[The_Pickle]

My advice? Suck it up, put some ice on it and walk it off!!

[annyokie]

My, at the time, nine year old son told his third grade teacher that he would tell her what he THOUGHT and not what he felt about the DARE program.

It made me proud.

[BibChr]

Do others affect your self esteem?

Why? Why do you ask? It's something I've done, isn't it? Oh, crud, I screwed up again. Why me?? WHY ME????

Dan

[Lurking Libertarian]

LOL

[Sonny M]

Suck it up, put some ice on it and walk it off!!

What are you Bill Clinton?

Joking, but thats the line he said after his rape in the last 1970's.

[ShapeShifter]

Why's everybody always pickin' on me?

[Husker24]

They needed a study to figure this out?

[Kerberos]

"Why's everybody always pickin' on me? "

Charlie, is that you? Where you been all this time?

[The_Pickle]

Actually I was channeling the spirit of my high school wrestling coach... :)

[ShapeShifter]

Oh No. What did I do now??

[RightWhale]

Mark R. Leary, PhD, psychologist

Why do you suppose Dr Leary feels he needs to put the extra letters between his name and his job? It's a self-esteem thing isn't it? Psychologists have a tough job stating the obvious in terms unfamiliar to those without the PhD, and perhaps he needs to distinguish betwwen those who just state the obvious and those who need a PhD to state the obvious. You'd think just having the PhD would kick up the self-esteem to a permanent high, but maybe it needs to be in something a little more serious like business management or philosophy.

[Joe Bfstplk]

I have found it better to get away from the concept of self-esteem, which requires constant attention to the question of "how I am doing," and to get into self-acceptance. There the question changes to "what is it that I enjoy doing, and how can I do more of it without harming anyone?"

I found the works of Dr. Albert Ellis invaluable in helping me to make the conversion.

[Conspiracy Guy]

If mom and dad and the kids at school would quit making fun of me I would quit wetting myself. I mean what's a 16 year old supposed to do when everybody hate them?

[Kerberos]

"Oh No. What did I do now??"

LOL

[Loyalist]

And how does that make you feel?

With my hands, wiseguy!

[JmyBryan]

Of course, once you have "grown up" (ie developed a moral code), you no longer need look to others for esteem.

[martin_fierro]

[4mycountry]

You're making me feel bad. Everyone makes me feel bad. WHY ME?!?! ;_;

[The Brush]

Nobody likes me... and I don't blame them!

[Zipporah]

I'm totally in agreement.. the self esteem crapola wears thin. I couldn't believe it when I had gall bladder surgery.. the question I got before surgery? "How is this surgery going to effect your self esteem..?" I told the nurse .. "I cannot believe your asking me this but.. it'll effect my self esteem 'cause everyone else will have a gall bladder and I won't"... ;P

[nothingnew]

99% of the time, I could give a rat's arse what people think about me...the other 1% is my wife, and that matters a lot...but we usually work it out.

FMCDH

[radiohead]

interesting... i just filled in a very long survey about how being diabetic affected my 'feelings' about myself and my interactions w/others.

while i admit that there can be some feelings of 'why me' or 'why am i different' when the rest of the office is downing triple hazelnut lattes (i'm in seattle); i long ago learned to deal w/what i have to deal w/and move on.

on the other hand, i think the idea of health and self esteem is an interesting topic to the academic (i'm a 'mature' phd student, so everything is interesting...), but i wonder if regular, chronically ill people worry about this stuff. especially if you have a chronic illness that doesn't show. i'm willing to stipulate that dealing w/deformity, amputation, etc. is a much different matter and certainly may affect one's self esteem.

[NewRomeTacitus]

I have found supressing my selfish, egotistical nature to be very liberating. I'm less depressed, more interested in other people and find the oddest things make me happy.
If I could extend this to cover moral outrage when encountering evil and purposeful ignorance I'd have it made.

[gcruse]

This is the Doppler-Packerd exercise in self-esteem deflation.

• "Mommy, why is it raining?"
• "It's raining because Jesus is crying, honey."
• "Why is Jesus crying, Mommy?"
• "It's probably because of something you did."

Discuss among yourselves.

[DE50AE]

Oh god, another study on self-esteem.

Bumper sticker I've seen a couple of times: "Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole."

[Jotmo]

Can't drink my tea...laughing to hard...sides hurt.

[Dan from Michigan]

Disapproval created twinges of low self-esteem. "The results of this study show that social approval and disapproval affect virtually everyone's feelings about themselves, even those individuals who steadfastly and adamantly claim that their feelings about themselves are not affected by other people's evaluations," says Leary in a news release

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Dan from Michigan]

"Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile you F***" - Bruce Willis, Last Boy Scout.

[HiTech RedNeck]

Charlie Brown, he's a clown

[enuu]

This is a "study" of 36 college kids. Basically teenagers or early twenties at most? Gosh, what a surprise that these are folks who worry about what others think of them.

[cherry_bomb88]

(((((((((((((((ping))))))))))))))))

It's important for me to know what you guys think of this {g} (note sarcasm)

Some really cool guy once said to me "no one can make you feel anything you don't want to feel". :o)

[cherry_bomb88]

ROTLF...only you would quote that, Dan

[cherry_bomb88]

Flurry, do you like my new dress??? I really need to know (hehehe)

[Dan from Michigan]

ROTLF...only you would quote that, Dan

I needed to find a thread where I can quote that. This one's perfect.

[Badray]

"Do others affect your self esteem?"

If I say "NO!", then will you like me? Huh, will you?

Or do you want me to say "YES?"

[Conspiracy Guy]

You look absolutely STUNNING. But even more important is how smart and caring you are. If everyone was like you the world would be a better place.

[HiTech RedNeck]

Go stuff it.

[tame]

Hi, well...here's what I think...I think that...well...I think that...I don't know...what do you guys think? ;o)

[cherry_bomb88]

I think all this feel good BS psychology stuff is just a bit much, but I'll talk to my shrink about it later. :o)

[Fintan]

I feel so much better about myself now...

[FBD]

Well, sometimes I worry that people think I look kinda goofy...but I get over it.

[BibChr]

LOL!

Dan

"They like me! They really -- or, are they just SAYING they like me?!?"

[Conspiracy Guy]

I was telling my shrink how people seem to ignore me and he said, "What did you say?"

[Conspiracy Guy]

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Lexus doing 65 miles per hour with her face stuck on her rear view mirror putting on eyeliner.

I looked away a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up. As a man I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my hand. In all of the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees on the steering wheel, I dropped my cell phone which splashed in my coffee that I was holding between my legs, and burned "Big Flurry and the Twins", ruined my damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!!

[Conspiracy Guy]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

[Badray]

ROFL

And people wonder why you drink.

I guess they've just never had days this bad.

[Badray]

Dan

In your case, we're just saying it. ;-)

[Badray]

Hey SCOTUS!!

I just found the definition of obscene!