Congressman Billybob Sez: "The Perfect Country and Western Song"

Cong. Billybob's website ^ | 10 June 2003 | Congressman Billybob (J. Armor, Esq.)

[Congressman Billybob]

"The Perfect Country and Western Song"

A lot of things happened last week that might seem worthy of discussion. Martha Stewart got indicted. Sam Waksal of ImClone was sentenced to seven years in jail (this week). The naughty bits of Hillary Clinton's autobiography leaked out a week early. Howell Raines and Gerald Boyd resigned from the New York Times. And the Israelis and Palestinians took tentative steps toward a hint of a beginning of peace. But there was another story last week of greater truth and enduring importance. Country Music Television (CMT) announced the top 100 country songs of all time.

It is possible to discuss weighty subjects without leaving the confines of country music. So we'll cover all those lesser stories in the course of covering the main subject. Don't believe that's possible? Hang onto your hats; we're in for a fast ride.

CMT followed a smart choice, similar to the American Film Institute in its various ratings of films and actors' performances. CMT had experts nominate 600 songs. Then it turned the voting over to the members of the Country Music Association, who are veterans and who know quality when they see it. The top ten songs in order, were these:

"Stand by Your Man," Tammy Wynette, 1968 (written by Billy Sherrill and Tammy Wynette); "He Stopped Loving Her Today," George Jones, George Jones (Bobby Braddock, Curly Putman); "Crazy," Patsy Cline, 1961, (Willie Nelson); "Ring of Fire," Johnny Cash, 1963, (June Carter Cash, Merle Kilgore); "Your Cheatin' Heart," Hank Williams, 1953 (Hank Williams); "Friends in Low Places," Garth Brooks, 1990 (Earl Bud Lee, DeWayne Blackwell); "I Fall to Pieces," Patsy Cline, 1961 (Hank Cochran, Harlan Howard); "Galveston," Glenn Campbell, 1969 (Jimmy Webb); "Behind Closed Doors," Charlie Pride, 1973 (Kenny O'Dell); "Mommas, Don't Let Your Children Grow Up to be Cowboys," Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, 1973 (Ed Bruce, Patsy Bruce)

It's worthwhile to name not just the performers, but the song writers who seldom get the credit they deserve. Sometimes, performers write their own hit songs. Sometimes surprises crop up, such as the fact that Willie Nelson was the songwriter for Patsy Cline's "Crazy."

Fox News had an excellent story on the Internet last week on the compilation of the 100 top country songs for CMT. It noted that, "Statistics such as weeks on the chart or total sales did not matter..., only the emotional, visceral reaction people have to a song."

That article ended with a quote from Ray Charles that captured the appeal of country music in a couple sentences. He said, "It's very plain, very simple music. It's just for the average guy. You don't have to be a scholar or you don't have to be in the elite class or nothing like that. You just have to listen to the music and listen to the lyrics and the lyrics tell everything."

Quite so, Mr. Charles. And now let us prove your point in the real world.

There is a single song – that unfortunately did not make the top 100 – which describes in its opening two lines the whole Martha Stewart thing. It perfectly captures the success of her many business ventures, her personal style, and the reason she did not cop a plea and accept a slap on the wrist a year ago. It is the Mac Davis 1980 (Mac Davis) favorite, "(Oh Lord,) It's Hard to be Humble (When you're Per-fect in E-ver-y way)."

Martha's friend, Sam Waksal of ImClone, was sentenced to more than seven years in jail plus a $3 million fine. His song is the Johnny Cash 1955 and 1968 favorite (Johnny Cash), "Folsom Prison Blues," number 25.

The autobiography of Hillary! (you DO remember that exclamation point on her earliest campaign materials, don't you?) provides a target-rich environment. Numbers 2, 3, 5 and 7 from the top 10 all leap to mind. "He Stopped Loving Her Today." "Crazy." "Your Cheatin' Heart." And "I Fall to Pieces." But the perfect one is number 76, the Waylon Jennings 1976 classic (Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson), "(She's a) Good-Hearted Woman (in Love with a Good-Timin' Man)." Well, halfway perfect -- Billyjeff Clinton is a good-timin' man.

The proper reply to the first Clinton biography (hers), and probably to the second one as well (his), is number 89 by Travis Tritt in 1991 (Travis Tritt), "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)."

The resignations of Howell Raines as Executive Editor and Gerald Boyd as Managing Editor of the New York Times over the Jayson Blair plagiarisms and other faults, is another target-rich environment. Numbers 6 and 9, "Friends in Low Places" and "Behind Closed Doors." Number 20 by the Soggy Bottom Boys in 2000 (100+ years old, writer unknown), "I am a Man of Constant Sorrow." For Howell himself, the Charlie Daniel's 1979 favorite, number 69 (Charlie Daniels, Tom Crane, Taz DiGregorio, Fred Edwards, Charlie Halyward, Jim Marshall), "(The) Devil Went Down to Georgia." But of course the best is the classic from Johnny Paycheck in 1978 which came in at 93 (David Allen Coe), "Take This Job and Shove It."

For the Israelis and Palestinians the proper fit is an instrumental classic, which were sadly neglected in the top 100 list. (Only Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs made the list at number 95 with their 1949 classic (Earl Scruggs), "Foggy Mountain Breakdown.") But the instrumental that really fits the Israeli-Palestinian conflict didn't make the list. It is "Feudin' Banjos" by Don Reno and Arthur Smith from 1953 (Reno and Smith).

I do not mean to make fun of the conflict in Israel. The other three stories involve people who are to some extent stuffed shirts and deserve to be ridiculed. The Israeli situation deserves no such thing. Had President Lincoln and his generals not been gracious in victory toward their Confederate foes, the American Civil War would have continued for decades after its official end. (Yes, I know. It has continued to this day, but only as a literary and cultural contretemps.)

Prime Minister Sharon of Israel has shown grace. But since the Palestinians have not been totally defeated militarily as yet, it is necessary for Prime Minister Abbas of the Palestinians also to show grace. He is trying, but he cannot really do that as long as he is under the thumb of Yassir Arafat, and as long as Hamas is not under his thumb.

Returning to the main subject, the number 1 song, Wynette's "Stand by Your Man," is an excellent example of type. But it is not the "perfect country and western song." Ironically, that honor belongs to a song by Steve Goodman which did not even make the top 100 list. In a cultural environment littered with good times, personal losses, drinking and bad puns, the judges for Country Music Television got too serious in their analysis and left this gem on the cutting room floor.

The final verse of "You Never Even Called Me by my Name" performed by David Allen Coe, Charlie Pride and Merle Haggard (Steve Goodman) qualifies it as the "perfect country and western song." Here's the story:

At the end of the song as originally written, David Allen Coe says, "Well, a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song, and he told me it was the perfect country and western song.... I told him it was NOT the perfect country and western song, ‘cause he hadn't said anything at all about mama, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or gettin' drunk. Well, he sat down and wrote another verse.... After reading it I realized my friend had written the perfect country and western song. ... the last verse goes like this here."

"Well, I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison,
And I went to pick her up in the rain,
But before I could get to the station in my pick-up truck,
She got run over by a damned old train.

And I'll hang around as long as you will let me,
And I never minding standin' in the rain,
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'
You never even called me by my name."

Like I say, there's no subject under the sun that cannot be properly described within the confines of country music. Give it a try. Start with any subject in the news, then think creatively about the wide span of country music.

[Congressman Billybob]

I did not submit this to UPI since I thought it too "country-fied" for their purposes. I did send it to the Nashville Tennessean.

Reactions to this have been very good. I think Freepers will enjoy this.

[Ernest_at_the_Beach]

The proper reply to the first Clinton biography (hers), and probably to the second one as well (his), is number 89 by Travis Tritt in 1991 (Travis Tritt), "Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)."

Priceless!

[martin_fierro]

Random Country-Music Lyrics Generator

[alancarp]

It was a rainy night in Arkansas; the Whitewater runnin' high.
I had to fetch my husband from another sweetie-pie.
The troopers were a helpin'
And reporters looked away.
So no one knew 'bout all my pain, how he was mean to me.
So I finally how to tell him all that I was gonna say:

CHORUS:
I'll put it in a book,
Gonna tell it to the news.
I'll write my lifelong story 'bout how I wuz bein' used.
You'll see it all in print,
Soo much you'll have to squint.
Just don't ask me to repeat it, for I don't know that it's true.

[tomswiftjr]

Best Country song? Jimmy Buffet's "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?"

[thatsnotnice]

Best Country song? Jimmy Buffet's "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?"

I don’t know. I don’t normally think of Jimmy Buffet when I think of country. I suppose that one might qualify, but if you follow it up with Havana Daydreaming or something… it doesn’t sound quite right.

But if it’s Best Raunchy Country songs you want, David Allen Coe would still be the winner. In fact this article used lyrics from probably the only song from him (that I can remember offhand) that would be printable without heavy editing.

[bruin66]

My favorite

Ev'ry Time I go to Town, the Boys keep Kickin' my Dog Around

[Erasmus]

Mine:

They caught My Sweetheart Makin' Booze But You Know I Love Her Still

I've Left Her Behind
Behind Me

[BOBTHENAILER]

David Alan Coe's, perfect addition to the perfect C&W song is a classic.

[dubyagee]

My brother plays the guitar and it is an unwritten rule that the "perfect C & W song" be played and sung loudly at all family gatherings. (That and Family Tradition by Hank of course.) If that ain't country you can kiss my...well, you know.

Great article!

[AIRFORCE76]

My brother and I ran around with a C & W band his wife was a singer in and from personal experience I can tell you we played those two songs til we were sick of them. On the other hand,(which is a great Randy Travis song) we had what had to be the best possible times travelling with this band. My brother was killed in an accident a few years ago and this time together is one of my fondest memories.

[NormsRevenge]

LOL.. Thanks for the Ping.

What 8-? "DropKick Me Jesus, Thru the Goalposts of Life" and "Mama Tried" didn;t make it! I'm shocked!

[razorback-bert]

They Ain’t Makin’ Jews LiKe Jesus Anymore
(Kinky Friedman)

[snopercod]

Contrast the most popular country music songs with the VH1 "Top Songs of the Last 25 Years".

The Nirvana tune "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came in Number One. Roger Hedgecock (filling in for Rush) read the lyrics and played a clip of that "music" today. The music was the nasal whining drone of a love-sick adolecent. The lyrics were the incoherent ramblings of a heroin addict, which, in fact, Kurt Cobain was.

[crazykatz]

I was drunk the day my mama got out of prison....

And I went to pick up her up in the rain....

but before I could get there in my pick-up truck..... she gotted runned over by a danged ole train.....

OH.....you don't have to call me darling, DARLINGgg.....

Well, it went something like that, anyway.

[Prince Charles]

I have a soft spot in my heart for Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.

[Lawgvr1955]

Ah, country music. (I'm not a fan, but do like Jerry Jeff Walker and David Alan Coe).

You know what happens when you play a country song backwards? They rehire you at work, your wife takes you back and you sober up.

[Ernest_at_the_Beach]

Then there is Jim Beam makes me taller, stronger and bulletproof.

Heard that around the home country of Joplin Mo and Miami OK!

[Bear_in_RoseBear]

Play It Backwards
by the Geezinslaws

First Verse:
Well I was raised on country music
songs about drinking and cheating and losing.
Real sad songs that would make a grown man cry.

Songs about pain and unemployment,
songs that interfere with life's enjoyment.
you sing about these things, you're singing about my life.

Well, I think I found me a way to remove the curse
Just take a country record, play it in reverse.

Chorus:
If you take a country song and you play it backwards,
You sober up and you don't cheat on your wife
and your dead dog comes to life!

Your truck gets fixed and you get your job back,
there's money in the bank and you never ever had that fight.
and everythings all right.

Second Verse:
Now if you think that you got problems
I've got one good way to solve 'em
guaranteed to turn your life around.

Tears, divorce, sheer frustration
broken hearts and aggravation
You don't have to go around feeling down.

Well I know this might sound crazy, but it works.
You take a country song and you play it in reverse.

Chorus:
If you take a country song and you play it backwards,
You sober up and you don't cheat on your wife
and your dead dog comes to life!

Your truck gets fixed and you get your job back,
there's money in the bank and you never ever had that fight.
and everythings all right.

Bridge:
Well the roof quits leaking,
the kids behave, you get out of jail, the bills get payed
Your wife quits calling you a lazy bum
and your mother in law finally goes back home.

Chorus:
If you take a country song and you play it backwards,
You sober up and you don't cheat on your wife
and your dead dog comes to life!

Your truck gets fixed and you get your job back,
there's money in the bank and you never ever had that fight.
and everythings all right.

and every-things all right!

[Lawgvr1955]

Play It Backwards by the Geezinslaws

Thanks! I didn't know there was such a song. Guess I wasn't first to think of it.

[genefromjersey]

Why, Billybob, it plumb makes we want to haul out my banjo-mandolin and start to plinkin' ( but, on second thought, I don't want the neighbors callin' the poh-leese agin ! )

[Constitution Day]

NC ping, incoming! Great piece, BTW.

Johnny Cash is my personal favorite.

[Constitution Day]

NC ping!
Please FRmail me if you want to be added to or removed from this North Carolina ping list.

[STONEWALLS]

..Here's the CMT site for the top 100, but it's kinda hard to read:

http://www.cmt.com/cmt/shows/100greatestsongs/ranked.list.jhtml

Thanks Congressman Billy Bob, lots of good string band music in western NC.....in the early 60s I used to go to Ashville in August to play gut bucket bass in the music festival.....an attorney named Bascomb Lamar Lunsford used to head it up...he did an awful lot to encourage preservation of traditional southern Appalachian music...which are the roots of today's country music...

Good luck to all!

Stonewalls

[Congressman Billybob]

Two things fascinated me about this article. First was the widespread, favorable response from readers both here and elsewhere on the Internet. I almost didn't write this, because I thought not many people (other than me) would be interested in the subject.

The other intrigue was the relatively large number of people, like you, who not only like country music including the pure blue grass still found hereabouts, but have been directly involved. There are normal-type folks who played in bands or wrote songs, or both -- imagine that.

Thanks for adding your experience to this thread.

Congressman Billybob

[snopercod]

See #14. That VH1 poll really got around, didn't it?

[strela]

My absolute, all-time favorite country song title?

I'd Give a Dollar For a Dime To Put Into This Machine And Play The Song That Brings You Back To Me"

(Thank you, Dan Jenkins)

[show me state]

Here is one for Hillary:

I'D RATHER LOAN YOU OUT [ than let you go ]
(Vic McAlpin - Roy Drusky - Lester Vanadore)
« © '61 Acclaim Music »

[oyez]

Flushed from the Bathroom of your Heart.

From the back door of your life, you swept me out, Dear.
In the bread line of your dreams, I lost my place.
At the table of your love, I got the brush-off.
At the Indianapolis of your heart, I lost the race.
I’ve been washed down the sink of your conscience.
In the theater of your love, I lost my part.
And now you say you’ve got me out of your conscience.
I’ve been flushed from the bathroom of your heart.
In the garbage disposal of your dreams, I’ve been ground
up, Dear.
On the river of your plans, I’m up the creek.
Up the elevator of your future, I’ve been shafted.
On the calendar of your events, I’m last week.
I’ve been washed down the sink of your conscience.
In the theater of your love, I lost my part.
And now you say you’ve got me out of your conscience.
I’ve been flushed from the bathroom of your heart

[bmwcyle]

Doug from Upland and the others are just not the stars today.

[TC Rider]

You are right again.

If you freepmail me Mrs. Billybob's email address, I'll be happy to copy her on the above.

[Chemist_Geek]

The music was the nasal whining drone of a love-sick adolecent. The lyrics were the incoherent ramblings of a heroin addict, which, in fact, Kurt Cobain was.

I prefer the Yankovic version...

What is this song all about?
Can't figure any lyrics out
How do the words to it go?
I wish you'd tell me, I don't know
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...

Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin'
And I don't know what I'm singin'
Crank the volume, ears are bleedin'
I still don't know what I'm singin'
We're so loud and incoherent
Boy, this oughta bug your parents
Yeah!

It's unintel-ligible
I just can't get it through my skull
It's hard to bargle nawdle zouss
With all these marbles in my mouth
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...

Well, we don't sound like Madonna
Here we are now, we're Nirvana
Sing distinctly? We don't wanna
Buy our album, we're Nirvana
A garage band from Seattle
Well, it sure beats raising cattle
Yeah

And I forgot the next verse
Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse
The lyric sheet's so hard to find
What are the words? Oh, nevermind
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...

Well, I'm yellin' and we're playin'
But I don't know what I'm sayin'
What's the message I'm conveyin'?
Can you tell me what I'm sayin'?
So have you got some idea?
Didn't think so -- Well, I'll see ya
Sayonara, sayonara
Ayonawa, odinawa
Odinaya, yodinaya
Yaddayadda, yaaahyaaah
Ayaaaaaah!

[Quilla]

David Allen Coe's Perfect and Country Western Song is a favorite of mine. Actually, the last verse goes like this here:

"And I'll hang around as long as you will let me,
And I never minded standin' in the rain,
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'
You never even called me by my name."

I sang that song with DAC on stage at the War Eagle Supper Club about 20 years ago.

[snopercod]

ROFL! Wierd Al is a favorite of mine. Not only is he funny, but his original music is damn good. I own several of his albums on cassette.

Trivia: He attended Cal Poly SLO at the same time I did, and lived in Pismo Beach IIRC.

[oyez]

I'm almost sure the Geezinslaws wrote "Flushed from the Bathroom of your Heart". I know I've seen the perform it years ago, with a dead pan and serious as all get out delivery while the audience was rolling in the floor.

[FairWitness]

My favorite, though not in the 'Top 100', is Good Old Boys Like Me (sung by Don Williams). My favor part goes:

When I was in school I ran with a kid down the street.
I watched him burn himself up on bourbon and speed.
But I was smarter than most and I could choose,
Learned to talk like the man on the six o'clock news.
When I was eighteen Lord I hit the road,
but it really don't matter how far I go.
I can still hear the soft summer wind in the live oak trees,
And those Williams boys still mean a lot to me, Hank and Tennessee.
I guess we're all gonna be what we're gonna be,
So what do you do with good old boys like me?

[Congressman Billybob]

Not only do I like the song you named, I drew the title of my first novel from that song. The book title was "The Six O'Clock Man" and it was about the achorman "on the second-ranked station in the third-ranked city in the poverty capitol of Hew Ess Hay." He was on WDMB-TV in Charlestown, West Virginia.

Cheers,

Billybob

[Bear_in_RoseBear]

I'm almost sure the Geezinslaws wrote "Flushed from the Bathroom of your Heart".

That is one that I am not familiar with! Sammy Allred, one of the founding members of the Geezinslaws, is on a morning call-in radio show here in Austin. Maybe I'll call in and ask about it...

[oyez]

Johnny Cash recorded it on his Folsum Prison Live record way back in the '60's.