We really need labels? Please help us, Darwin

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[chance33_98]

We really need labels? Please help us, Darwin

COMMENTARY

Warning: Do not eat this column. It would be bad.

You know, I came into adulthood fully equipped with the knowledge that my thighs were not a hot beverage cup holder.

But ever since one woman without a McClue sued because of her religious experience with that boiling lava styrofoam cup of McDonald's coffee, we've all had to pay.

Now just about anything you can think of has a warning label for stupid people.

Most of us know that knives are sharp, Windex is not a cocktail and that fruity candles - though purdy - are not to be eaten.

And those adults who don't know these things, well I always just figured that was nature's way of thinning the herd. So with all the warning labels out there now, it's no wonder we're overpopulated.

But as I researched some of the warnings, I realized that the most mundane object, in the wrong dopey hands, can kill! Yes, kill! OK. Sometimes they just make ya look like a raving dink.

Here are some of my faves, because at one time or another, you have to think that someone stupid somewhere did the things a warning label now has to advise others against doing.

- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally." (And if you do, make sure it's twice a day.)

- On one of those dashboard sunshields: "Caution: Do not drive with sunshield in place!" (I wondered why I missed that off-ramp.)

- On a package of peanuts: "Warning! May contain nuts." (Uh. Yeah.)

- On a hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Not possible. I tried it, but the noise kept waking me up.)

- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat toner!" (Aw, dang.)

- On a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." ("So, Tommy, that's why Uncle Bufford is always sad.")

And here are a couple that, well, tell us that some people out there just shouldn't be in charge of other living things:

- In the manual of a microwave oven: "Do not use for drying pets." ("Now, Muffin, I think two minutes oughta . . . Oh!")

- On a portable stroller: "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." ("Ah. Now Mommy can really relax.")

I feel bad for companies that make steak knives. They actually have to put a warning label on them that says "Warning! Knives are sharp!" so some goober won't sue them because "nobody told me that dang thing would cut me."

Maybe a better label would be: "Warning! Knives are sharp! Put it down and - run, Forrest, run!"

I remember reading about a guy who sued a refrigerator company because he hurt his back. How? Well, he strapped his fridge to his back to see whether he was man enough to carry it to the other side of his kitchen. His journey ended halfway to the finish line with "GE" stamped on his butt.

But, he claimed, the company owed him compensation for his back injury because there was nothing on the warning label that said: "Hey, burro! Do not strap this really heavy, incredibly unwieldy fridge to your back for any reason! It'll hurt ya!"

He was awarded a lot of money. And the company has since added a warning label advising against moving the fridge by strapping it to your back.

La-la-laaaaaaaa.

Recently, a passenger in my white hot Ford Tempo laughed and said, "Hey, did you read this?"

It was the warning on the passenger's side visor that said:

"Warning: Always wear your lap belt when the car is moving. If the lap belt can not be worn, you should move the seat forward so your knees are as close to the instrument panel as possible."

I suppose this way, if there's an accident, your death will be quick and you'll be squashed into a tidy package for easier cleanup.

Finally, a warning that makes sense.

[bjcintennessee]

On a hair-dryer. "Do Not Use While Sleeping"

I had always thought this one was especially a no-brainer -- until I learned that my brother-in-law needed the sound of a running hair-dryer in order to sleep.

[skr]

Right now I wish they'd labeled the cinnamon gum that burned my mouth and tongue yesterday. Owwwwwww! Nope, it wasn't the extra hot stuff either. Hmmmm, perhaps it's a good time to go on a diet...

[gcruse]

A care label on a pair of trousers that said,
"Do not press while wearing."

[longtermmemmory]

On an iron: Do not iron clothes while wearing them.

[libertylover]

I remember grunting with an 80lb. bag on concrete looking for "instructions", meaning, "mix x parts water with y parts concrete for a strong mixture", something like that. I didn't find any such instructions, but I did find a label that said, "Do Not Eat".

But the one that bugs me most is the ole restroom sign, "Employees must wash hands before returning to work." My problem here is that I can't decide which is worse: a society that's so dumbed-down that people don't know they should wash their hands after using the toilet (even #2!), or a government which is so intrusive into lives that it feels the need to enter our restrooms. Sigh.

[fporretto]

My favorite:

CAUTION: Do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.

Freedom, Wealth, and Peace,
Francis W. Porretto
Visit the Palace Of Reason:
http://palaceofreason.com