Huh, teaching them to swim would be a threat to their self-esteem; and, tough, no-b.s. lifeguards would be too judgmental.
We will henceforth paint a large rectangle of the municipal parking lot a nice aqua blue.
There, try to drown in that.
As for diving, read the sign: No standing or stopping 6am-7pm M-F, No diving ANYTIME.
No toy guns, no dodgeball, no swimming pool.
Listen up! It's time for Ritalin! Line forms to the right!
I'm from the government. Resistance is futile.
Next thing you know there will be door-to-door mandatory delivery of Valium or Librium along with Gestapo type nurses who won't leave until we take our dosages. That would be one way to keep us in line. (And no, I'm not being sarcastic. I'm being Orweillian!)