Skip to comments.France Declares War on Terrorism
Posted on 07/07/2003 3:14:00 AM PDT by Schnucki
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Pentagon announced plans today to deploy crack teams of French existentialists throughout the Middle East in an effort to destroy the morale of radical Islamists by persuading them that, after all, there is no God.
Led by a shifty-eyed Gaulois-puffing Parisian named Jean-Paul Angst, the feared Sartre Brigade, known popularly as Deconstructionist Warriors, will parachute into the region, insinuate themselves into the local milieu and spread existential anomie and a jihad of jadedness in the heart of the Islamist breeding ground, the Pentagon said.
Hardened by years of hard-fought intellectual warfare in dark little bistros on the Left Bank and accompanied by heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who never bathe and propagate fear by appearing remote and forever unattainable, the troops will target sidewalk cafes throughout the Middle East, talking with Arabs about the absurd nature of life and mans lonely isolation in the universe.
We cant lose, said Angst. Radical Islam is caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous proportions. There is no God, and we French can prove it!
He said the Deconstructionists will carry treatises printed in Arabic on mans inescapable lack of freedom of action, with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. The troopers have also memorized the treatise in case they encounter Arabs who cant read, he added.
These troops, said Angst, will prove decisive in the war against terrorism.
Anti-smoking zealots in Hollywood, however, immediately joined forces with humanitarian groups including the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Terrorists and announced plans to petition the U.N. Security Council to stop the deployment of the Deconstructionists.
Think of the collateral damage, said director Rob Reiner. Second-hand smoke will kill millions of innocent waiters and busboys in the sidewalk cafes of every city in the Arab world. We cant let that happen.
Meanwhile, in Paris, the French General Staff announced plans to defend the City of Light against radical Islamists no matter what.
This will take some doing, said a General Staffperson. We have no idea how many divisions it will take to defend Paris against its enemies because nobodys ever tried it.
WHAT A HOOT!