Skip to comments.The most boring sporting event on Earth
Posted on 07/08/2003 9:55:22 AM PDT by presidio9
It's tough luck for Mark Philippoussis, but otherwise a great relief all around that it is over for another year. Wimbledon fortnight, that is - the most boring sporting event on Earth. Two weeks of wall-to-wall tedium, the only excitement coming when they pull the covers over when rain stops play.
What brings people to it? After all, unrelieved boredom does not exactly come cheap. A seat can cost you as much as $175, while souvenirs such as baseball caps (especially designed to be worn backwards) can cost $45. A towel could set you back about $70.
One reason for Wimbledon's popularity could be that British people lead such exciting lives, always zinging about - here, there and everywhere - that a good dose of tedium is just what the doctor ordered to slow them all down a bit.
Then again, it could be that they are more interested in having first-hand experience of such never ending tennis soap operas as At Home with the Dokics; or perhaps checking out whatever bizarre attire the Williams sisters have shoe-horned themselves into for the day's match.
There is one really entertaining thing about Wimbledon fortnight: the chance to eat strawberries and cream. It is simple, uncomplicated fare. A serving will cost you about $5 for 10 strawberries, so it is sort of reasonably priced.
A bit of trivia: About 27,000 kilos of strawberries are scoffed during a Wimbledon fortnight. If we subtract two rest days, and assume that they sell strawberries for six hours on every play day, then punters are downing strawberries at the rate of about six kilograms a minute.
Meanwhile, back at Centre Court, we are forced to ask if anything can be done to make grand slam tennis interesting. Apparently not. But here are some suggestions for spicing it up a bit:
1. Use smaller racquets. Something about the size of a ping-pong bat should suffice, and each player only gets one per match. If it is broken, players must use their hand, or whatever else they can find.
2. Penalise players who serve aces.
3. Wash players' mouths out with soap and then send them home if they question any line call or the umpire's decision.
4. Make the nets higher - say, about three metres, and in the form of a hedge or a brick wall so that players don't know what's coming at them.
5. Have two balls in play at the same time for singles matches, and four for doubles matches to keep them all on their toes.
6. Or play two different singles matches at the same time, on the same court.
There may be another answer. The name of the club that runs the tournament is The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.
What if they just concentrated on the croquet? Two weeks of retired vicars playing knock-down, drag-out, winner-take-all croquet with strawberries and cream thrown in - now that would really get your pulse racing.
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It is in the breaking news sidebar!
for everyone. Screw this stuff.
I love Wimbledon.
Sure, I wish they had
some kind of roof. Sure I wish
rackets were smaller.
But I'm not relieved
it's over. Hell, I miss it,
and all I can do
is get ready for
the US Open next month.
(My only complaint
is that so many
women haven't raised their games
to match the Williams'...)
I would pay money to see some professional players play a match like this.
(I used to live on
the north side of Chicago.
A lot of she-males
are a darn sight hotter than
LOL! I was thinking of yacht racing. It's a pick 'em.
Oh, maaaan. I hope it was all finally worth it.