Comic's CD turns laughs on telemarketers

Post and Courier Charleston ^ | August 12, 2003

[gitmo]

The federal government's do-not-call list has saved millions of Americans from pesky telemarketers, but Tom Mabe had to take it one step further.

The comedian and jingle-writer goes on the offensive on "A Wake-Up Call for Telemarketers," his CD being released today. Last year, Mabe traveled to Washington, D.C., for a telemarketers convention and stayed at their hotel. He waited until the wee hours of the morning -- and started dialing.

Telemarketer: "Hello. Hello."

Mabe: "Hi, this is Tom Mabe. I'm calling on behalf of the Telemarketers With Insomnia Foundation. How are you doing this evening sir?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Mabe: "This is Tom Mabe. I'm calling with the Telemarketers With Insomnia Foundation. We call you at this hour only so you can better understand what these poor telemarketers with insomnia go through."

Telemarketer: "You're an idiot."

Mabe: "Sir with your help, we can help some of these telemarketers get some rest."

Telemarketer: "You're an absolute idiot."

Mabe: "I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot."

Telemarketer: "Well I don't appreciate being called at this hour. You're an idiot."

Mabe manages to ask the increasingly agitated victim for his credit card number before the phone slams down.

While Mabe, 36, was commuting from his Louisville, Ky., home to Nashville, Tenn., to write jingles and television theme songs, he said most of his inspiration struck at night, leaving him to sleep during the day.

When the phone rang, almost every call was from a telemarketer.

"They wouldn't take no for an answer," Mabe said. "I tried to be nice but nothing worked."

Eventually, Mabe started luring telemarketers into embarrassing and awkward situations with his quick tongue, which provided the material for his first two comedy CDs.

He revisits the gag on his new disc. Mabe asks one caller to wait a moment while he sees who is at the door. Listeners then hear Christmas carolers, followed by a series of shotgun blasts and murderous shrieks.

Mabe then asks the confused telemarketer -- who was selling a service that pays your credit card bill if you are incapacitated -- if the system works for people in prison.

"Telemarketers tell you that they are just doing their job, but some of them will rip you off," he said. Anyway, "telemarketers hate telemarketers."

[Normal4me]

I had one call me about waterproofing my basement. I let him go on with the whole speach before informing him that I lived in Florida.....seven feet above SEA LEVEL! Sadly, he was deeply dissapointed.

[cake_crumb]

Then there's the classic answer for people who call to sell newspaper subscriptions to some rag you hate:

"When I want to read what your rag has to say, I send my dog steal my neighbor's paper."

[TrappedInLiberalHell]

Check out this page: How to Have Fun with a Telemarketer.

[cake_crumb]

One called my sister-in-law one morning when she was really sick - hubby and I had spent the night there because we were worried about her - she insisted on answering the phone.

She said: "We don't need any, we $hit in a bucket!" and slammed the phone down.

You can guess what they were selling.

[Tribune7]

Temple Owl knows how to handle telemarketers

[Tennessee_Bob]

Had one call one evening - young woman by the sound of her voice - I let her go on and on about the product. She stopped and asked "Well, sir, what do you think?"

I answered "I'm completely naked - what are you wearing?"

It was silent for about five seconds, and then she hung up.

[watchin]

I need to make a list of the best ones on this thread and post it by the phone.

I usually just try and play the idiot, with something like, "What!! You're sending my your credit card!! Wow! You don't even know me!"

[watchin]

"my" should be "me"

[cubreporter]

In the past, we have said: "Huh"..."pardon me"..."Wuttt" and VERY, VERY LOUD...with grunts in between...they eventually hang up! Now we just hang up IF we get any at all which is RARE for sure.

[AngrySpud]

Before the "do not call" list, I seemed to have found the solution. When called by a telemarketer who asked if Mrs. So-and-so was home, I would pause for about ten seconds and then reply, "She passed away last week." The caller would stumble and apologize. And it would be months before another telemarketer, from ANY company, called again.

I'm convinced that my name or her name was manually struck from a master list of "callees". And we were no longer bothered ... at least until the next computer-generated list came out.

[gitmo]

Sometimes when I get a call from an unidentified number, I'll answer "Telephone.". Most people go "Uh Uh Uh" and hang up. Somehow that response just baffles them.

[WKB]

This is right up your alley.

You can get me this for my birthday next month
Thanks

[Temple Owl]

I feel sortry for some of the telemarketers. They are only trying to make a legal buck.

[Tribune7]

George Miller wouldn't feel sorry. If he were still alive, that is.

[Temple Owl]

But George miller is dead and the schocked telemarketer was invited to the funeral.

[Tribune7]

Oh, tell the story.

[NotJustAnotherPrettyFace]

Orders for this CD can be placed through Tom Mabe's website (no I don't work for him or anyone in his family ;-):

TomMabe.com

[steve-b]

Some telepest tried to sell me a subscription to the New York Times. I told him that I was kind of busy lately, but as soon as I had the free time for historical fiction I'd get back to him.