Posted on 04/05/2006 2:10:06 PM PDT by restornu
What is sarcasm? The dictionary calls it a sharply ironical taunt or gibe; a sneering or cutting remark. It's a popular form of joking because of its seemingly fun interaction. It seems fun, witty, shows a bit of brilliance on the part of the one who delivered it. It can also create an atmosphere of competition as one remark often generates a response of equal or greater brilliance. This interaction is sometimes called playful bantering.
We watch sarcasm constantly on our favorite sitcoms. Perhaps because we see it so often, we may be tempted to insert sarcastic remarks itself into marital and family interactions. But does sarcasm belong in our relationships?
The greater brilliance of sarcasm is often in the cutting aspect. Once you understand that, you’re not far from understanding that sarcastic remarks aren’t as innocent as they may seem.
A sarcastic remark among friends does not seem that harmful because it's a joke, after all. Right? But there may be real harm underneath the joke. Cutting words uttered with a sugar coating of humor can cause deeply hurt feelings. The one receiving the remark is left to wonder if the deliverer really thinks what he said. And the usual conclusion is that he does.
An uncle watching an animal show about the big-beaked toucan turns to his teen nephew and says, "Look — there's your twin." All in the room laugh because of course nobody has a nose as big as a toucan's beak. But the nephew is left to wonder, “Is my nose really big?” He becomes self-conscious about the size of his nose from that point on. The uncle, on the other hand, didn't think a thing of it because everybody laughed. He was actually quite pleased with himself for making such a quick-witted quip. Would he have thought so highly of himself if he knew how it made his nephew feel?
Sarcasm can also cover true feelings a person has about another. For example, you may have a negative feeling about your spouse or child. You want to express your feelings but are not brave enough to do it directly so instead you say it sarcastically — with a touch of humor. Your spouse or child is left to interpret your "true" feelings, and this usually has a negative effect on the relationship.
For example, a wife who knows she needs to lose weight has been told by her husband he loves her the way she is. As she heads off to the grocery store one day to do the family shopping, and while closing the door behind her, she hears her husband singing, "That little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home." The wife thinks, “My weight really does bother him,” and she becomes hurt and even more self-conscious next time they are together. He wonders why she isn't as enthused to be with him sexually and has a difficult time letting him see her body.
The term sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkasmos, which in turn derives from the verb sarkazsein, meaning, "to tear the flesh." It may be that sarcasm originated as a metaphorical idea that someone who uses sarcasm is "cutting up" the person that is the target of the remark. Indeed, sarcasm is a "tearing," not of the flesh, but of the feelings. Is this what you want in your relationship: torn feelings under the disguise of humor?
Two illustrations from The FrogBuster: A Girl’s Guide for Survival in the Dating Swamp based on true stories, show the effects of sarcasm further:
Cathy had a brother, whom she adored. One day as she and her brother were working out he told her in a joking brotherly way, "You sweat pretty for a fat girl." It may seem like a silly statement because Cathy was not at all fat. But it left Cathy wondering, “Did he mean I'm pretty, or that I'm fat?” Because of this nonsense statement, Cathy had a fat complex throughout her high school years and early adulthood.
Another example is Gretta. She was very athletic at a young age. For birthdays she would ask for bats and balls, not dolls. One night, in her impressionable early teen years, she was getting ready for the evening and decided to wear make-up and try out a purse. As she came down the stairs to the family room, her brothers and parents who were not used to seeing her with make-up and looking feminine, laughed and said, "What do you think you are, a girl?" For years after this experience, she wouldn't wear make-up or a feminine haircut because she felt funny about trying to be a girl.
Parents and partners who issue a steady stream of sarcastic remarks can expect injuries. We are not saying to stop all playful interaction, but interaction that is cutting, especially when delivered as a joke, should be removed from your playful arsenal. If your loved one tells you that you offended them with your remark, or that it bothers them, respect that and stop. Don't be too proud to apologize, even if your remark seems like no big deal to you.
Just remember we reap what we sow. In marriage, sarcasm is one of the things that can kill love and a family. Some parents are able to dish out sarcasm but get upset when their children treat them sarcastically. The children see the parents as hypocritical. And, as we can see from our actual examples, sarcasm can have lasting effects for years to come — all under the guise of humor.
If you interact in a sarcastic manner, and if you want to see your relationship improve, try removing the sarcasm from your interaction. It is one of the fastest ways to see improvement in marital interaction. You may find changing such interaction takes constant effort. It does for most people. Just remember, the next time you go to deliver a sarcastic remark, before you say it, think of the possible outcome. Ask yourself if you want the tearing part of the comment to have the effect on your loved one that it probably will have. If not, the remark would be better off left unsaid. There are plenty of healthy ways to fit humor into your marriage and relationships without the tearing of emotional flesh. Another interesting outcome of not using sarcasm anymore is you will begin to notice how often others use it. If you start to observe others' use of sarcasm you will be amazed at how often sarcasm finds its way into our interaction. It may give you some insight into how much you have been using it without even realizing it.
Make a conscious effort to break the sarcasm habit and watch your relationships improve.
Yeah. Surrrrrre it does.
I found your first problem right here. Turn off the tube, boobs.
The sitcoms are worthless anyway because the writers are too stupid and uncreative to come up with anything but sex innuendo and bathroom humor.
This post always reminds me of experience of being chided on a Christian forum when I parodied some of the most extreme famous-evangelical-leaders-are-fellow-travellers-of-Sun-Myung-Moo conspiracies many years ago. There were some young (probably still in high school) and very zealous brotehrs and sisters in Christ who wrote angrily back that I was being judgmental.
Later on, I read that a common British reamrk about Americans is that Americans tend to be very earnest and serious. Sarcasm and senses of irony seem to be absent from many Americans' speeches.
It is not necessarily a bad thing, because sarcasms don't easily communicate to second-language learners and is a very Anglo-Saxon cultural aspect. But on the otehr hand, this is perhaps why the US produces Ann Coulter but not Mark Steyn with his style of wits and wordplays in his columns (Steyn is a product of British school system).
What a bunch of girlie drivel!
Undoubtedly the French brought it with the Norman Conquest. Scandinavians and Germans, who are ethnically closest to Anglo-Saxons, are of course not known for their sarcasm. As the writer says, sarcasm is a way of saying something if one is not brave enough to say it directly - which of course would be very French.
If you must employ sarcasm, use it only on your enemies. It is never well received, and may cause accidental injury to someone you don't wish to hurt.
French humour in modern times is definitely not renowned for their wittiness. I wonder if that's because the murder and surrender mentalities have replaced their capacities to make jokes?
"Just remember we reap what we sow. In marriage, sarcasm is one of the things that can kill love and a family."
Sarcasm is the #1 offender in all relationships. It is used most often due to dishonesty and disregard for oneself and other people...
My Word for the Day!
"He learned more of Malacandrian humour and of the noises that expressed it in this one night than he had learned during the whole of his life on the strange planet hitherto....Apparently the comic spirit arose chiefly from the meeting of the different kinds of hnau. The jokes of all three were incomprehensible to him. He thought he could see differences in kind--as that the sorns seldom got beyond irony, while the hrossa were extravagant and fantastic, and the pfifltriggi were sharp and excelled in abuse--but even when he understood the words he could not see the points."
C.S. Lewis, Out of the Silent Planet, chapter eighteen (first paragraph), page 117
"It came about at noon, that Elijah mocked them and said, "Call out with a loud voice, for he is a god; either he is occupied or gone aside, or is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and needs to be awakened.""
I Kings 18:27 (NASB)
Well, if you're familiar with the Roman writers you know that some of them were quite sarcastic. So when Caesar conquered what is now France, he must have imposed sarcasm on the local Frenchies which, indeed, might even have been extended to Britain with Caesar, Claudius, Vespasian and Agricola.
As the Roman empire in the west crumbled, the Dark Ages dawned(?) and the Roman legions withdrew to Italy, it would appear the French were left with nothing humorous but a vestigial sense of sarcasm (later to be imported to England via the Conqueror) and Jerry Lewis.
"It came about at noon, that Elijah mocked them and said, "Call out with a loud voice, for he is a god; either he is occupied or gone aside, or is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and needs to be awakened.""
That was an incredibly funny part to read in the Bible. Especially considering that Elijah very seldom, if ever, made fun of people...
Did you know that the phrase "gone aside" is a Biblical colloquialism for (ahem) "using the latrine"? Not only was Elijah being sarcastic at their expense (literally), you might even argue that there's an appropriate use for "potty humor" at that!
Posted in a thread about sarcasm, of all places :D
Those things you have quoted were done from a place I think was without animosity...
I feel where it gets dangerous is when there is negativty towards our love ones,friends and community, and this article was trying to show how this kind of behavior can pull people apart instead mending wounds!
IMO sarcasm as humor "works" best when used with someone whom you know extremely well. In other words, the words don't hurt or divide because each of you already knows the other well enough to understand and accept the joke. Otherwise, I would wholly agree with you and the article - sarcasm is most often used at the other person's expense, and if they're unprepared, unwilling, or incapable of taking it, sarcasm will quickly drive a wedge between the user and the hearer.
In the case of Elijah's use, he used it prophetically as a downpayment of God's eternal judgment against the false prophets. In other words, God had Elijah use sarcasm as a form of divine judgment. God wanted Elijah to be mean, and God would be getting even meaner with the false prophets of Baal the very next day. God wasn't worried about driving a wedge between the false prophets and Elijah - God was about to make the division permanent :D
James 3 says lot on the tongue!
You and I might think we know what is in the heart of our friend, but many times we are not aware of others in that friends life also hits on those places.
Some times it could lead to lowering moral, but one would never show it to others!
In our quite hours we reflect on the day and the dialogue that goes on in our head can also add to those remarks that might seem innocent!
So it is best not to do it...
but that is MHO!
I Kings 18:27 (NASB)
And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he [is] a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, [or] peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked.
And barring those limited circumstances that I laid out earlier, I find that I agree with you! I liked your wording "it is best not to do it". Using sarcasm IMO isn't a question of right vs wrong, but rather one of acting wise vs acting foolish.
I whole hardly agree!
Sarcasm is not welcome in our home. It is a chicken-poop way of saying something mean while sounding 'funny.'
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