Skip to comments.25 SIGNS YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!
Posted on 08/21/2006 9:57:35 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
Chances are, you're going to Hell, says a Bible scholar.
"Ninety-nine out of 100 people are damned," says Jacob L. Pinewood, professor of divinity at Holy Moses College in Jarvis, Australia.
"My research indicates God hates us. That's why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven."
But you may be one of the lucky few, says Pinewood, author of the handy guide So, You're Going To Hell. According to Pinewood, if you answer: "I sayeth yes," to any of the following situations, you should pack for a warm climate when the Grim Reaper calls your name.
You're going to Hell if you:
* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.
* Think WWJD stands "What Would J.Lo Do?"
* Are a whoremonger.
* Can't stand harp music.
* Wear white after Labor Day.
* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.
* Have severed heads in your freezer.
* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.
* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.
* Sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.
* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.
* Use the F word more than once a day.
* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.
* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.
* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.
* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.
* Ever fell down because you drank too much. "The Bible says, 'Thou mayest swayeth on thy feet,' " says Pinewood.
* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads," says Pinewood.
* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.
* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.
* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.
* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.
* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.
* Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains Pinewood. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a Catch 22 situation."
* Covet your neighbor's wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.
Oh, stop being a stick-in-the-mud. Go ahead and laugh! You have to admit that it's funny. It's from the Weekly World News.
If you still think it's not funny, we'll call for your elders to come and pray over you (James 5:14).
D'oh! Almost made it into Heaven.
"Wear white after Labor Day."
In Heaven you wear white every day.
Seeing as how "excessive religious content" will rate a movie as not for "general audiences" anymore, ANYONE watching a movie is guaranteed to see the above these days.
Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!
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This is just a knockoff of something from The Onion or Lark News, and not as clever, just smart-alecky. Nor did I need anyone praying over me to discern that.
Oh no.. .....I'm a big fan of Sonny Boy Williamson, Little Walter Jacobs, Junior Wells, and James Cotton.
I thought it was "Who Wants Jack Daniels?"
No self-respecting Southern woman would be caught wearing white after Labor Day and before Easter!!! It's not done!
Wow! Britney's really let herself go!
I am cracking up! That is TOO funny.
My mama always told me whoremongering would get me in trouble.
Who knew? She was right!
Technically, Dan Rather isn't an insect (4 legs, not 6). So I'm ok on this one.
If you put me on the PTL/HAIR ping list, I would be so excited, my hair would stand up to Southern Baptist height all by itself!
This is so bad, I don't even think the Onion would run it!
Sorry, blasphemy is not funny to me.
Maybe next time.
Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell,...it's a Catch 22 situation."
stuartcr gets the last laugh.
Alex, you in trouble, man.
Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.
I was doomed when we got to harp music, but this pretty much seals it.
I guess they're wardrobed challenged in heaven.
This is another one of those stupid Homeowners' Association rules, isn't it?
I Love the face on her. Definitely did more than one of the above---but I am Catholic and I am going to Purgatory for a few eons---that's why I have to make sure all my friends pray for my sad butt when I croke.
Well, that settles any lingering doubts about the denizens of DU.
You know, if I listed of all the things I've posted that FR Catholics have told me is blasphemous....
....it would look a lot like the WWN article.
People who find this blasphemous probably also think Voltaire and Monty Python were blasphemous. It's not making fun of God. It's making fun of the people who act like the Pharisees.
I recognize the top two as Paul and Jan Crouch. Who's the guy on the bottom?
For myself, I imagine a copy of your signed document was immediately transferred to the Vatican's Secret Archives.
Don't be surprised if it comes back to haunt you at a later date.
But i can testify that, when the public wasn't looking, she busted out laughing good and hard any time Monty Python or Dave Allen At Large did a church sketch (and she went out of her way to watch those shows on PBS, especially Dave Allen). Half the time I doubt she even understood the jokes. I think just the sight of men acting silly in vestments and stiff collars was what amused her.
That is none other than Tofik Benedictus "Benny" Hinn
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Thanks for the laugh!
Every Drill Instructoer that ever lived, is going straight there.
Benny Hinn. Known for wearing white after Labor day. His wife is a well-known gastroenterologist.
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