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25 SIGNS YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!
Weekly World News ^ | 4/20/2005 | Becky Todd

Posted on 08/21/2006 9:57:35 AM PDT by Alex Murphy

Chances are, you're going to Hell, says a Bible scholar.

"Ninety-nine out of 100 people are damned," says Jacob L. Pinewood, professor of divinity at Holy Moses College in Jarvis, Australia.

"My research indicates God hates us. That's why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven."

But you may be one of the lucky few, says Pinewood, author of the handy guide So, You're Going To Hell. According to Pinewood, if you answer: "I sayeth yes," to any of the following situations, you should pack for a warm climate when the Grim Reaper calls your name.

You're going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.

* Think WWJD stands "What Would J.Lo Do?"

* Are a whoremonger.

* Can't stand harp music.

* Wear white after Labor Day.

* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.

* Have severed heads in your freezer.

* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.

* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.

* Sometimes use the Lord's name in vain, especially when you can't find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.

* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

* Use the F word more than once a day.

* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.

* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.

* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

* Don't understand what's so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.

* Ever fell down because you drank too much. "The Bible says, 'Thou mayest swayeth on thy feet,' " says Pinewood.

* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person. "This is especially difficult as the rule includes midgets with big heads," says Pinewood.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.

* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.

* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.

* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.

* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.

* Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains Pinewood. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a Catch 22 situation."

* Covet your neighbor's wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.



TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: betterthancbs; crackpot; hell; religion; religiousintolerance; sin; weeklyworldnews

Oh, stop being a stick-in-the-mud. Go ahead and laugh! You have to admit that it's funny. It's from the Weekly World News.

If you still think it's not funny, we'll call for your elders to come and pray over you (James 5:14).

1 posted on 08/21/2006 9:57:38 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy
* Have severed heads in your freezer.

D'oh! Almost made it into Heaven.

2 posted on 08/21/2006 9:59:19 AM PDT by thoughtomator (There is no "Islamofascism" - there is only Islam)
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To: Alex Murphy

"Wear white after Labor Day."

BS

In Heaven you wear white every day.


3 posted on 08/21/2006 9:59:25 AM PDT by weegee (Remember "Remember the Maine"? Well in the current war "Remember the Baby Milk Factory")
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To: Alex Murphy
Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.

Seeing as how "excessive religious content" will rate a movie as not for "general audiences" anymore, ANYONE watching a movie is guaranteed to see the above these days.

4 posted on 08/21/2006 10:00:58 AM PDT by weegee (Remember "Remember the Maine"? Well in the current war "Remember the Baby Milk Factory")
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To: All

Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!


This should never happen to anybody. Don't let this happen to you! Join the pinglist now!


So what are YOU waiting for? Join the Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club TODAY! FReepmail me for details!

PTL=Pardon The Laughing
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5 posted on 08/21/2006 10:02:22 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 2:6)
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To: Alex Murphy
Wow, Alex. Two posts in one day from Weekly World News. Maybe you should put down the mouse and go outside.
6 posted on 08/21/2006 10:02:56 AM PDT by GreenAccord (I just spell-checked MOONBAT. Shouldn't that be in the FR lexicon as a valid word?)
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To: thoughtomator
I note that is said severed heads, not a severed head - so, um, I'm OK there.
7 posted on 08/21/2006 10:03:26 AM PDT by Psalm 73 ("Gentlemen, you can't fight in here - this is the War Room".)
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To: Alex Murphy
Oh, very humorous. I always snicker at the thought of people going to hell. Makes my day go better. /sarc

This is just a knockoff of something from The Onion or Lark News, and not as clever, just smart-alecky. Nor did I need anyone praying over me to discern that.

8 posted on 08/21/2006 10:03:35 AM PDT by Scothia ( When something important is going on, silence is a lie.)
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To: Alex Murphy
If you .....Can't stand harp music.

Oh no.. .....I'm a big fan of Sonny Boy Williamson, Little Walter Jacobs, Junior Wells, and James Cotton.

9 posted on 08/21/2006 10:05:48 AM PDT by Mr. Mojo
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To: All
* Think WWJD stands "What Would J.Lo Do?"

I thought it was "Who Wants Jack Daniels?"

10 posted on 08/21/2006 10:07:45 AM PDT by Yo-Yo (USAF, TAC, 12th AF, 366 TFW, 366 MG, 366 CRS, Mtn Home AFB, 1978-81)
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To: Alex Murphy

No self-respecting Southern woman would be caught wearing white after Labor Day and before Easter!!! It's not done!


11 posted on 08/21/2006 10:09:32 AM PDT by Froufrou
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To: Alex Murphy; Xenalyte

Wow! Britney's really let herself go!


12 posted on 08/21/2006 10:11:18 AM PDT by Froufrou
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To: Froufrou

I am cracking up! That is TOO funny.


13 posted on 08/21/2006 10:13:03 AM PDT by Xenalyte (No movie shall triumph over "Snakes on a Plane.")
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To: Alex Murphy

My mama always told me whoremongering would get me in trouble.

Who knew? She was right!


14 posted on 08/21/2006 10:15:10 AM PDT by Xenalyte (No movie shall triumph over "Snakes on a Plane.")
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To: Alex Murphy
* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.

Technically, Dan Rather isn't an insect (4 legs, not 6). So I'm ok on this one.

15 posted on 08/21/2006 10:15:52 AM PDT by kidd
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To: Alex Murphy

If you put me on the PTL/HAIR ping list, I would be so excited, my hair would stand up to Southern Baptist height all by itself!


16 posted on 08/21/2006 10:16:14 AM PDT by Xenalyte (No movie shall triumph over "Snakes on a Plane.")
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To: Alex Murphy

This is so bad, I don't even think the Onion would run it!


17 posted on 08/21/2006 10:16:57 AM PDT by Calpernia (Breederville.com)
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To: Alex Murphy

Sorry, blasphemy is not funny to me.


18 posted on 08/21/2006 10:17:17 AM PDT by SerpentDove (I heard they're implanting chips in the tinfoil now.)
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To: Alex Murphy

20/25


19 posted on 08/21/2006 10:19:20 AM PDT by Toby06 (True conservatives vote based on their values, not for parties.)
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To: Alex Murphy

Maybe next time.

;-)


20 posted on 08/21/2006 10:24:12 AM PDT by sitetest (If Roe is not overturned, no unborn child will ever be protected in law.)
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To: Alex Murphy; stuartcr
You're going to Hell if you:

Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell,...it's a Catch 22 situation."

stuartcr gets the last laugh.

21 posted on 08/21/2006 10:26:05 AM PDT by siunevada (If we learn nothing from history, what's the point of having one? - Peggy Hill)
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To: Alex Murphy
"Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex."

Uh oh.

22 posted on 08/21/2006 10:27:32 AM PDT by Enterprise (Let's not enforce laws that are already on the books, let's just write new laws we won't enforce.)
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To: Alex Murphy
Holy Moses College

LOL!!

23 posted on 08/21/2006 10:29:26 AM PDT by Osage Orange (The old/liberal/socialist media is the most ruthless and destructive enemy of this country.)
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To: Alex Murphy
Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

Yikes.
24 posted on 08/21/2006 10:39:00 AM PDT by JamesP81 ("Never let your schooling interfere with your education" --Mark Twain)
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To: Alex Murphy
blasphemy is not funny

Alex, you in trouble, man.

25 posted on 08/21/2006 10:42:45 AM PDT by siunevada (If we learn nothing from history, what's the point of having one? - Peggy Hill)
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To: Alex Murphy
Well...I guess I'm among the damned, but I always thought this one was one of the signs you may be a redneck:

Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

26 posted on 08/21/2006 10:44:22 AM PDT by 6ppc
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To: Alex Murphy
* Belong to any organized religion. "Every religion believes the members of every other religion are going to hell," explains Pinewood. "And since you can only belong to one religion at a time, it's a Catch 22 situation."

I was doomed when we got to harp music, but this pretty much seals it.

I'm toast.

27 posted on 08/21/2006 10:46:12 AM PDT by Dog Gone
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To: weegee

I guess they're wardrobed challenged in heaven.


28 posted on 08/21/2006 10:49:14 AM PDT by brooklyn dave (Nasrallah, Hizballah, Ayatollah, Walla Walla--they all rhyme, I should write a ditty.)
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To: Alex Murphy
* Have severed heads in your freezer.

This is another one of those stupid Homeowners' Association rules, isn't it?

29 posted on 08/21/2006 10:51:26 AM PDT by steve-b ("Creation Science" is to the religous right what "Global Warming" is to the socialist left.)
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To: Alex Murphy

I Love the face on her. Definitely did more than one of the above---but I am Catholic and I am going to Purgatory for a few eons---that's why I have to make sure all my friends pray for my sad butt when I croke.


30 posted on 08/21/2006 10:51:32 AM PDT by brooklyn dave (Nasrallah, Hizballah, Ayatollah, Walla Walla--they all rhyme, I should write a ditty.)
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To: Alex Murphy
* Use the F word more than once a day.

Well, that settles any lingering doubts about the denizens of DU.

31 posted on 08/21/2006 10:52:33 AM PDT by steve-b ("Creation Science" is to the religous right what "Global Warming" is to the socialist left.)
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To: SerpentDove; siunevada
Sorry, blasphemy is not funny to me.

You know, if I listed of all the things I've posted that FR Catholics have told me is blasphemous....

....it would look a lot like the WWN article.


32 posted on 08/21/2006 11:14:24 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 2:6)
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To: Alex Murphy

People who find this blasphemous probably also think Voltaire and Monty Python were blasphemous. It's not making fun of God. It's making fun of the people who act like the Pharisees.


33 posted on 08/21/2006 11:16:00 AM PDT by HungarianGypsy (Like food and fun? Join the Freeper Kitchen ping list.)
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To: Alex Murphy

I recognize the top two as Paul and Jan Crouch. Who's the guy on the bottom?


34 posted on 08/21/2006 11:18:15 AM PDT by murdoog
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To: Alex Murphy; HarleyD
Lady Gamecock and I would like to join! Where do we send our love offering?


35 posted on 08/21/2006 11:31:00 AM PDT by Gamecock (The GRPL: Because life is too short for bad Theology*)
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To: Alex Murphy
I think SerpentDove is making this call sola scriptura.

For myself, I imagine a copy of your signed document was immediately transferred to the Vatican's Secret Archives.

Don't be surprised if it comes back to haunt you at a later date.

36 posted on 08/21/2006 11:31:22 AM PDT by siunevada (If we learn nothing from history, what's the point of having one? - Peggy Hill)
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To: HungarianGypsy
My grandmother used to take great offense whenever someone made fun of the Catholic Church in any way, shape, or form. She's purse up her face in a scowl and fold her hands across her chest (quite a bit like the photo in post #1), and make sure that you and everyone around you that knew she didn't approve of that kind of humor.

But i can testify that, when the public wasn't looking, she busted out laughing good and hard any time Monty Python or Dave Allen At Large did a church sketch (and she went out of her way to watch those shows on PBS, especially Dave Allen). Half the time I doubt she even understood the jokes. I think just the sight of men acting silly in vestments and stiff collars was what amused her.


37 posted on 08/21/2006 11:31:46 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 2:6)
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To: murdoog
Who's the guy on the bottom?

That is none other than Tofik Benedictus "Benny" Hinn

38 posted on 08/21/2006 11:36:20 AM PDT by Gamecock (The GRPL: Because life is too short for bad Theology*)
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To: Gamecock; murdoog
That is none other than Tofik Benedictus "Benny" Hinn

Financial transactions on the Benny Hinn Ministries website are encrypted using SSL technology for your privacy and protection. Please confirm that your browser is using encryption by looking for either a closed lock symbol (Internet Explorer) or an unbroken key (Netscape). Please let us know of any difficulty you may be having.

39 posted on 08/21/2006 11:40:00 AM PDT by siunevada (If we learn nothing from history, what's the point of having one? - Peggy Hill)
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To: Alex Murphy
Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!

ROFLOL!!

Thanks for the laugh!

40 posted on 08/21/2006 2:36:13 PM PDT by FJ290
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To: steve-b

Every Drill Instructoer that ever lived, is going straight there.


41 posted on 08/21/2006 2:41:33 PM PDT by stuartcr (Everything happens as God wants it to.....otherwise, things would be different.)
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To: murdoog
Who's the guy on the bottom?


Benny Hinn. Known for wearing white after Labor day. His wife is a well-known gastroenterologist.

42 posted on 08/21/2006 5:05:22 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 2:6)
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To: Alex Murphy
Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.

You're not going to hell for that; you're going to Arkansas.
43 posted on 08/21/2006 7:15:03 PM PDT by miketheprof
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