Posted on 04/11/2007 12:28:15 PM PDT by dangus
A couple of recent posts referred to male-only congregations. It made me wonder what a Protestant, male-only service would look like. Let's see some suggestions, folks.
(Many of these would be offensive to Catholic and other high-church sensibilities, but so are most uniquely Protestant practices. That said, the intention is not to bash others, or to be prurient; keep this in good fun. This is farce, not bitter satire!)
Holy Water applied by Super Soaker.
“The Word of the Lord” changed to, simply, “Word!”
“Change my heart, O God” replaced with “Drop kick me, Jesus”
Kiss of Peace handshake replaced with High Five, strange grunting.
Communion wine replaced with communion beer.
Salsa dip served with bread.
Bells replaced with gongs.
Insence smells strangely like Mesquite.
Cathedra made by Barca.
Collection basket replaced by open guitar case.
Baptismal font is colored and foamy.
Church organ uses that funky “Prince” sound.
... in fact, the only reason I say “Protestant” is only because such changes are impossible within the Catholic Church.
If they wanted to go really wild, they might also have girls doing liturgical dances on the altar.
Hmmmm....is this what the monks do in all male monasteries? ;O)
I’ve been in some all-male meetings. The sound of snoring can be deafening.
I know some may laugh at this, but I think “men only” church services are horrible. Christianity was one of the very first religions that allowed men and women to worship together. If “men” want a religion that caters to their every need : slaves for wives, limitless concubines, “men only” religious services, a “manly” bloodthirsty warlord as a prophet, and all the whores you can shake a stick at in the afterlife, there’s already a religion that promises all that and more......
Faced with an alarming absence of men in its pews, one Iowa church is borrowing from successful fight promoters in a new form of "blended worship" designed to please a wide audience. The Third United Methodist Church of Ames will continue to use the historic liturgical form of worship, but has begun using bikini-clad "liturgy card girls" to announce each new part of the traditional service.
"Men are staying away more and more on Sunday morning," said Pastor William Knight, a 52-year-old former marketing consultant. "We need to do whatever it takes to fulfill the Great Commission by winning men's hearts for God."
Knight initially proposed scrapping liturgical worship altogether, replacing it with a contemporary football-themed service. When some younger members complained that they desired to deep the "solemnity" of the liturgy, Knight struck a compromise involving the liturgy card girls.
"We're all going to have to sacrifice if we're going to re-engage men in the life of the church," said Pastor Knight. "That includes some young women who are going to have to sacrifice some of their clothing for the sake of their erring Christian brothers."
Ok, I said let’s not make it prurient, but that IS kinda funny.
If you have ever been to a Promise Keepers rally, you know what it looks like.
“Kiss of Peace handshake replaced with High Five”
I’m surprised that has not been done at mass by someone; so much other nonsense goes on during the sign of peace!
Prayer would be called “Word Up”
Don’t forget pews changed to lounge chairs.
Gong hits for Jesus?
The robes would has NASCAR like sponser labels.
A couple of recent posts referred to male-only congregations. It made me wonder what a Protestant, male-only service would look like.
A chaplain led field service in the classic (no females) army would be one example of a real men only service.
LOL!
(A little too touchy-feely for me).
>A chaplain led field service in the classic (no females) army would be one example of a real men only service.
Is “Amen” replaced with “HOOAH”?
Incense smells strangely like Mesquite.
Cathedra made by Barca.
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I have never heard of bells being used in a services?
I have heard of incense but only in Catholic and eastern orthodox Churches.
I don't know what Cathedra is other than I assume you drink it.
I have been to men's retreat the and noticed real men are allowed to hug if they pat each other other on the back while or afterward. I don't understand why burping the other guy makes it ok.
During the Mass (at least in the Latin Rite of the Catholic Church), bells are often used during the Consecration of the Eucharist.
The Cathedra (Latin for 'chair') is the name given to a Bishop's chair: That would certainly limit it to Catholic/Orthodox/Anglican(?) circles. That's the same term that we get the root for the word 'cathedral' -- the church containing the Bishop's chair.
>> I have been to men’s retreat the and noticed real men are allowed to hug if they pat each other other on the back while or afterward. I don’t understand why burping the other guy makes it ok. <<
Har!
>> I have never heard of bells being used in a services? <<
In a Catholic service, at least, bells are rung when the priest enters, and when the bread and, seperately, the wine, are offered for sacrifice. With proper alter servers out of vogue, these are often skipped; The communion bells were decades ago reduced to mere dinner-bell sizes; they shouldn’t be: they should loudly proclaim a miracle.
>> Cathedra made by Barca. <<
A cathedra is a bishop’s chair. A “cathedral” is properly called a “cathedral church building,” meaning it is where the cathedra is located.
OK, that’s good!
Yes, part of the joke was intended to be how a Catholic/High-Churcher might suppose what these Low-Church Protestants must be up to. But, in reality, the most common European Protestant religions often retain these “high church” elements, even if they do not necessarily have the same significance.
(High-church refers to ritualized practice, and is not intended as an assertion of superior theology.)
*(**I don’t understand why burping the other guy makes it ok.***
LOL. Thanks for the laugh.
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