Calvinist Church Dumps Free Will Offerings

HARTFORD, CT – The moment of conviction came at what many would see as a rather inopportune time for Hartford Community Church Pastor Jeremy Galan.

"We'd just taken one of our so-called 'free will offerings' after a singing group from Liberty University came to perform for us," Galan said. "We were counting up the money in the back to cut the group a check when I realized that what we were doing by calling this a 'free will offering' was unwittingly promoting the heretical doctrine of free will. It just goes to show you how wily Satan can be in spreading false teachings. I was absolutely stunned at the thought."

What Galan did next left those assisting him with counting the offering more than a little stunned.

"He started mumbling something about the offering being 'Lucifer's collection,'" said HCC Treasurer Jason Leo. "Then he went to the church kitchen to get some matches. He gathered up all the money - checks, cash, coins and all - and he took it out back and burned it. I couldn't believe my eyes. There had to be two, maybe even three, large in there."

After turning a disappointed singing group away with no remuneration for their performance, Galan set himself directly to the task of creating official church policy that would ban the use of the term "free will offerings" in favor of "election collections."

“election collections”

We are called the elect because we are no longer in Satan’s pocket. In the same way if the money were elect it would no longer be in our pocket.

OTOH maybe all the money is His. After all His name is on it not ours.

A new preacher took his first collection. Then he realized he missed the class on what to do with it. The parsonage needed fixing, but the church roof leaked. There were parishioners who couldn’t afford books, yet his family needed food... and so on. How to divide the offering between his needs and those of his church?

So he decided to ask his fellow clergy.

He went to the Baptist preacher first.

“Here’s what I do,” he said. “I draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and what lands in the circle is the Lord’s and what falls outside the circle is for my use.”

“Ok,” said the new preacher. But he wanted a second opinion. So he went to see the Methodist preacher.

“Here’s what I do,” he said. “I draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and what lands OUTSIDE the circle is the Lord’s and what falls INSIDE is for my use.”

“Oh no,” thought the new preacher. Now he was confused, two opposite opinions. So he went to the tent revival and after it was over, he called the evangelical preacher aside and asked him.

“Here’s what I do,” he said. “I draw a circle on the ground, throw the money high into the air, and what the Lord wants he grabs and what falls to the ground...”

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