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Joel Olsteen Joins With Catholics To Convert Confused Protestants
What?..Um - theological satire ^ | 6/28/2007 | seth

Posted on 11/05/2007 6:56:11 AM PST by Alex Murphy

mark_hamill_1978.jpgHouston, TX — Joel Olsteen, author of the bestselling book Starting Your Best Life Now, has agreed to work together with the Roman Catholic Church in Texas to help convert Protestants who are confused about the large number of denominations. According to one poll, many Protestants are troubled with the conflicts and disagreements among groups like the Baptists, Presbyterians and Lutherans, and they have begun to ask themselves what the church should actually look like. “Any regularly attending Catholic has seen the marked increase in the number of Protestant converts,” stated Mark Hamill, archbishop of Houston. “Many of these Protestants are coming to our Pastors looking for answers. They are confused about all of the contradicting diversity, and they need answers to help them sort through the chaos. That’s why we called on Joel Olsteen for help.”

Olsteen, who has also authored Your Best Life Now Journal, Your Best Life Now Devotional, Your Best Life Now Calendar, and Your Best Life Now For Mom (available here), has already helped hundreds of Protestants convert to Catholicism stress-free. Olsteen stated, “Mark has asked me to help confused Protestants to realize that it’s okay if they leave their original denomination, because ultimately it’s not about denominational affiliation. It’s about living victoriously. It’s about living the joyful life, and if changing denominations is what will bring that inner peace and joy, then the choice is obvious — convert!”

Former PCA member Carrie Fisher shared her conversion experience with INN News. “Joel Osteen was so great for me. He helped me tremendously. Well I guess that’s why he is after all, America’s most influential Christian in 2007. He helped me discover a peace in my heart about my desires to become Catholic, despite the challenge I faced and still face with my disapproving family. Olsteen showed me that in order to be victorious, I had to stop restricting Christian living to one single denomination. Once I realized this, none of the differences mattered to me anymore!”

olsteencatholic.jpg

Pictured above: Joel Olsteen showing his anti-or-pro-denominational sentiments by donning Catholic garb.

In an interview with Olsteen, INN reporter Joseph Knoll asked Olsteen to explain why his consulting is so successful. “Well, Joseph, one of the first things I do to help potential converts is take them to one of my church services to attempt overwhelming them with the diversity in my church. When they see the smoke, the lights, the lasers, and when they hear the pop-style music, most of these people begin to wonder if they are even in a church. In fact many of those who consult me actually ask me, ‘Is this really a church?’ That’s when I ask them, ‘I don’t know, is it?’ As they look at me with a puzzled expression, I explain to them that the number of tickets requested for services at my church is only second to tickets to U2 concerts. I tell them that my church is so popular because I help people be happy without getting caught up in all the doctrinal non-essentials. ‘It all doesn’t really matter,’ I tell them. And then it hits them that it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you’re Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Lutheran, or whatever, because we’re all in the family of God seeking a life of joy, as my book Your Best Life Now explains, which can be yours for only $9.99 from our website.”

Alec Guiness, another PCA convert to Catholicism, told INN News, “Osteen helps the dogmatic Presbyterian mind to relax his rigid expectations. He doesn’t want us to stop seeking uniformity in a church. He just wants us to see that we can be insistent about our preferences for church doctrine and practice, while at the same time relish in the fact that ecclesiastical differences really don’t matter. One day my loving parents said to me, ‘You know Alec, Catholics believe in a works salvation.’ I said to them, ‘Well even so, it doesn’t even matter. It’s all about setting your mind free and finding happiness and joy in God.’ I couldn’t have said that without Olsteen’s wisdom.”

Hamill and many other Catholic leaders couldn’t be more excited. “We’ve seen a 9% rise in Catholic membership,” stated Hamill. “Olsteen is absolutely amazing. He sets other converting Protestants on fire, and they become so excited that they go out and tell other confused Protestants about the help they received. Before it’s all said and done, Olsteen’s methodology has Protestants so confused that when they come to a Catholic church, they are able to breathe a sigh of relief and find true inner solace. We become a real safe haven for them.” –

This has been a news brief by the Imaginary News Network


TOPICS: Catholic; Evangelical Christian; Humor; Mainline Protestant
KEYWORDS: olsteen
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1 posted on 11/05/2007 6:56:12 AM PST by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy; Dr. Eckleburg; Gamecock; HarleyD; ears_to_hear; nobdysfool
Ahh...so the Empire is advancing...


2 posted on 11/05/2007 7:26:39 AM PST by Frumanchu (Life is too short to argue with liars)
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To: Frumanchu

3 posted on 11/05/2007 7:31:44 AM PST by Frumanchu (Life is too short to argue with liars)
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To: Alex Murphy

These aren’t the converts we’re looking for?


4 posted on 11/05/2007 7:54:21 AM PST by Campion
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To: Alex Murphy

Great piece. It wouldn’t surprise me bit - after all Joel does believe in god.


5 posted on 11/05/2007 8:51:45 AM PST by AZhardliner
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To: Campion

bwahaaaa!


6 posted on 11/05/2007 8:59:07 AM PST by mockingbyrd (peace begins in the womb)
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To: Campion; Frumanchu
These aren’t the converts we’re looking for?

What? You think you're some kind of Catholic, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Calvinist - mind tricks don't work on me!

7 posted on 11/05/2007 9:41:04 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("Therefore the prudent keep silent at that time, for it is an evil time." - Amos 5:13)
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To: Alex Murphy; Frumanchu

I find your lack of works ... disturbing ...


8 posted on 11/05/2007 10:48:33 AM PST by Campion
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To: Alex Murphy
I'm a Calvinist - mind tricks don't work on me!

LOL. Amen.

"The determining factor of my existence is no longer my past. It is Christ's past. -- Sinclair Ferguson

9 posted on 11/05/2007 10:49:03 AM PST by Dr. Eckleburg ("I don't think they want my respect; I think they want my submission." - Flemming Rose)
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To: Alex Murphy

Buffoonery.


10 posted on 11/05/2007 10:49:56 AM PST by subterfuge (HILLARY IS: She who must not be Dismayed)
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To: Campion
I find your lack of works ... disturbing ...

Bwahahahaha.

11 posted on 11/05/2007 10:52:13 AM PST by NeoCaveman (Every time you’re somewhere, that means you’re not somewhere else, Fred D Thompson 44)
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To: Alex Murphy

Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less? Otherwise I’ll have to watch his show for more than ten seconds.


12 posted on 11/05/2007 10:53:30 AM PST by Aquinasfan (When you find "Sola Scriptura" in the Bible, let me know)
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To: Campion

work or don’t work, there is no try.


13 posted on 11/05/2007 10:53:36 AM PST by NeoCaveman (Every time you’re somewhere, that means you’re not somewhere else, Fred D Thompson 44)
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To: Aquinasfan
Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less?

Just another "health and wealth" preacher.

14 posted on 11/05/2007 10:55:08 AM PST by NeoCaveman (Every time you’re somewhere, that means you’re not somewhere else, Fred D Thompson 44)
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To: Aquinasfan
Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less?

Sheesh - that's easy. The real challenge is to tell what Joel is about in 21 words or more.

15 posted on 11/05/2007 10:56:01 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("Therefore the prudent keep silent at that time, for it is an evil time." - Amos 5:13)
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To: NeoCaveman
Just another "health and wealth" preacher.

With 14 words to spare!

In the battle of the Great Capped Teeth, he'd give Tony Robbins a run for his money.

16 posted on 11/05/2007 10:58:45 AM PST by Aquinasfan (When you find "Sola Scriptura" in the Bible, let me know)
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To: Alex Murphy

I think that Joel is a great human being. Being Catholic I am not sure of this but I think he really cares about faith. The guy has a front row seat in Heaven in my opinion.


17 posted on 11/05/2007 10:59:35 AM PST by napscoordinator
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To: Alex Murphy
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
18 posted on 11/05/2007 11:00:31 AM PST by dragonblustar (Once abolish the God, and the government becomes the God - G. K. Chesterton)
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To: Alex Murphy; Dr. Eckleburg
Calvin, Joel is coming to save you


19 posted on 11/05/2007 11:01:38 AM PST by 1000 silverlings (Everything that deceives also enchants: Plato)
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To: Alex Murphy

Somehow I had a sneaking suspicion....


20 posted on 11/05/2007 11:24:58 AM PST by Gamecock (Gamecock: Declared anathema by the Council of Trent!)
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To: dragonblustar; Alex Murphy; Dr. Eckleburg; Campion

Okay, folks, let’s be nice. May the Schwartz be with you all.


21 posted on 11/05/2007 11:30:05 AM PST by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: Larry Lucido
May the Schwartz be with you all.

Moichendeising!

22 posted on 11/05/2007 11:38:45 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("Therefore the prudent keep silent at that time, for it is an evil time." - Amos 5:13)
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To: Alex Murphy

lol.


23 posted on 11/05/2007 12:05:42 PM PST by Dr. Eckleburg ("I don't think they want my respect; I think they want my submission." - Flemming Rose)
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To: Dr. Eckleburg; Alex Murphy; Larry Lucido

24 posted on 11/05/2007 12:26:04 PM PST by Gamecock (Gamecock: Declared anathema by the Council of Trent!)
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To: Terriergal

ping


25 posted on 11/05/2007 12:28:41 PM PST by Gamecock (Gamecock: Declared anathema by the Council of Trent!)
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To: Gamecock

LOL. Another “another Christ.”


26 posted on 11/05/2007 12:32:50 PM PST by Dr. Eckleburg ("I don't think they want my respect; I think they want my submission." - Flemming Rose)
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To: Aquinasfan

Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less? Otherwise I’ll have to watch his show for more than ten seconds.
____________

I’m late to the thread and I’m likely not the first to say that I can opine what I think he is about in exactly 2 words: Joel Osteen.


27 posted on 11/05/2007 1:01:09 PM PST by dmz
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To: Tamar1973

Since you’re also a Star Wars fan........!!!!!!!!!


28 posted on 11/05/2007 7:42:18 PM PST by fishtank ("Patriotic Nationalism?" - YES!!!....."Globalist Multiculturalism?" - NO!!!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,)
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To: fishtank

29 posted on 11/05/2007 7:47:16 PM PST by Tamar1973 (Riding the Korean Wave, one BYJ movie at a time! (http://www.byj.co.kr))
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To: Tamar1973

So, who wins in a fight, Joel or Anakin??


30 posted on 11/05/2007 7:51:13 PM PST by fishtank ("Patriotic Nationalism?" - YES!!!....."Globalist Multiculturalism?" - NO!!!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,)
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To: Alex Murphy; NeoCaveman

Luke Skywalker is the Archbishop of Houston???


31 posted on 11/05/2007 7:52:38 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA (Guns up Red Raiders!)
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To: NeoCaveman
Just another "health and wealth" preacher.

Bingo night in the Catholic church just got mega......

32 posted on 11/05/2007 7:54:46 PM PST by skateman (Bush good, demonrats bad.)
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Luke Skywalker is the Archbishop of Houston???

The force is strong with that one.

33 posted on 11/05/2007 7:58:33 PM PST by NeoCaveman (Every time you’re somewhere, that means you’re not somewhere else, Fred D Thompson 44)
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To: fishtank

Ani all the way! LOL!


34 posted on 11/05/2007 8:02:23 PM PST by Tamar1973 (Riding the Korean Wave, one BYJ movie at a time! (http://www.byj.co.kr))
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To: fishtank

I can tell ya Joel would never win a staring contest, unless he gets new contacts.


35 posted on 11/05/2007 8:07:50 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA (Guns up Red Raiders!)
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To: NeoCaveman

“I am your Father” has a whole new meaning now.


36 posted on 11/05/2007 8:10:22 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA (Guns up Red Raiders!)
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To: Aquinasfan

I have never watched more than moments of his broadcast but I just saw Osteen on a CNN Interview, of all places. Two thoughts: 1) his message is that if you live by God’s laws you will prosper and be happy, with or without wealth. Hard to argue with. 2) If those teeth are capped he needs a new dentist desperately. I don’t think you know much about this guy, since you obviously have his teeth confused with someone else’s and appear to have missed his basic message.


37 posted on 11/05/2007 8:22:08 PM PST by hinckley buzzard
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To: Aquinasfan
Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less?

He's about 4 miles wide and about two inches deep.

38 posted on 11/06/2007 4:32:58 AM PST by Uncle Chip (TRUTH : Ignore it. Deride it. Allegorize it. Interpret it. But you can't ESCAPE it.)
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To: Gamecock; HarleyD; TommyDale; Alex Murphy; shaggy eel; My2Cents; jumpdrive; Calvert Cliffs Cafe; ...

Oh, WOW ! ROFL that is NOT funny — but it is...

Does that make me a confused protestant?


39 posted on 11/06/2007 4:28:46 PM PST by Terriergal ("I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace," Shakespeare)
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To: Aquinasfan

He’s about:

“I think I can I think I can (etc) I know I can I know I can (etc etc)”


40 posted on 11/06/2007 4:35:11 PM PST by Terriergal ("I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace," Shakespeare)
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To: AZhardliner
Great piece. It wouldn’t surprise me bit - after all Joel does believe in god.

I don't get it...

41 posted on 11/06/2007 4:39:57 PM PST by Terriergal ("I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace," Shakespeare)
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To: Alex Murphy
They are confused about all of the contradicting diversity, and they need answers to help them sort through the chaos. That’s why we called on Joel Olsteen for help.”

LOL that is good satire.

42 posted on 11/06/2007 4:44:28 PM PST by Terriergal ("I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace," Shakespeare)
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To: napscoordinator

It’s a good thing that heaven “attendance” isn’t based on the opinion of humans, rather the Word of God.

Osteen does not take a stand for anything. In his secular interviews, he waffles more than a breakfast special at IHOP. He’s out to win popularity contests, not souls for Glory.


43 posted on 11/06/2007 5:18:26 PM PST by ItsOurTimeNow ('Post Tenebras Lux '- It's not a breakfast cereal!)
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To: Frumanchu

44 posted on 11/06/2007 5:56:49 PM PST by Constitutionalist Conservative (Global Warming Heretic -- http://agw-heretic.blogspot.com)
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To: Alex Murphy

Great satire always has the ring of truth to it. This is funny; and very much true.


45 posted on 11/06/2007 6:40:00 PM PST by Manfred the Wonder Dawg (Test ALL things, hold to that which is True.)
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To: fishtank
So, who wins in a fight, Joel or Anakin??

That'd be a tough one... you know Joel can bench press 300 lbs. And he has nicer teeth.

46 posted on 11/06/2007 7:42:58 PM PST by Terriergal ("I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace," Shakespeare)
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To: Gamecock; Dr. Eckleburg; Alex Murphy; Terriergal

Sounds Orthodox.


47 posted on 11/07/2007 4:34:15 AM PST by HarleyD
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To: HarleyD

ha! more satire!


48 posted on 11/07/2007 12:44:35 PM PST by Terriergal ("I am ashamed that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace," Shakespeare)
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To: Alex Murphy

Nice work, Alex.


49 posted on 11/08/2007 1:30:07 PM PST by MarkBsnr (V. Angelus Domini nuntiavit Mariae. R. Et concepit de Spiritu Sancto.)
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To: Alex Murphy

The comments here have been funny, but I don’t get the main article. I’m not trying to be a wet blanket; I’m just curious if I’ve missed something. Is leading people into the Catholic church just some anti-Catholic writer’s satirical on leading them into apostasy? And why a bunch of Catholic Star Wars characters? Did Olsteen make some comment about Catholicism, Jesuits and Lucas, or Campbell?


50 posted on 11/13/2007 1:20:16 PM PST by dangus
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