Skip to comments.Religious Funnies
Posted on 05/06/2009 5:38:20 AM PDT by dangus
OK, folks. We haven't been doing a very good job at keeping the "humor" tag worth keeping. Months come and go, and the same fake news stories appear in my Religion::Humor category. I'M getting tired of seeing my OWN post about Georgetown giving an honorary degree to Satan. So here's at it:
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "What do you expect from him, given HIS side of the family?"
Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters - a tiny one bedroom apartment.
The Pope is horrified and demands to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.
Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.
"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important than a lawyer!"
"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
I love the one with the bear.
My Evangelical Presbyterian Pastor told this joke in church:
Note: (The Presbyterians, even the politically conservative branch of it called the Evangelical Presbyterians are not known to have spirited services. Nice services, but dont expect to see lots hands waving, hallelujahs from the back roll being shouted, emotional alter calls, that sort of thing. If you are shy, the EPC is a good church for you.)
The FOUR PASTORS
Four Pastors from different churches were sitting on a park bench, enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon, when they started debating which denomination would be the first called up to Heaven.
The Catholic Minister said certainly Catholics will be first, because they have such great compassion for our fellow man , and have done such great works that is pleasing in God’s eyes. We have built the Worlds most beautiful churches, and hold on to the ancient Catholic profession of the Christian Faith, and have produced many martyrs.
The Pentecost Pastor said, no, we will rise first, because we are filled with the Holy Spirit, and we celebrate our faith with joyful music and inspirational sermons, bringing thousands to Christ each week. We certainly deserve to be the first called up.
The Baptist Pastor said you are both wrong, because we have spread the Gospel of Christ around the globe like no other, and have sacrificed much in doing so. And we hold strong to the words of the teachings of the Apostles, our brothers in Christ. God certainly intends to catch us up first.
The Presbyterian Pastor said all three of you are wrong. The Bible says the Dead in Christ will rise first, leaving the other three will jaws dropped , and the Presbyterian smiling with pride.
If you’re going to continue using the HUMOR tag, at least try to post something humorous.
One along the same vein was that a Jesuit, Franciscan and Dominican were arguing about which order was most dear to Christ. They burned up a note with the question on it, and the ashes rose up to the Heavens. Just then, a light shone apon a note floating downward towards them, landing perfectly in the middle of them. It read,
“My dear children; I am proud of each one of you. I have no favorites among your orders. Signed, Jesus Christ, O.P.”
(O.P. is the suffix used by Dominicans. Naturally, the other versions of this joke have it signed, “, S.J.” (Jesuits) and “, O.F.M.” (Order of Franciscan Minors) I just really can’t bring myself to joke that Christ is a Jesuit or Franciscan.)
>> “With respect Sir,” says Saint Peter, “We have lots of Pope’s up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!” <<
I actually prefer the one with Satan telling St. Peter, “Oh? Where are YOU going to find a lawyer.” But to be fair, St. Paul was a lawyer.
"Surely you know," said God, "that I have all the best players up here."
"Yes," said Satan, "but I have all the umpires!"
Q: Why don’t Baptists “do it” standing up?
A: Because someone might see them and think they are dancing.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too!
Are you Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too!
Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, Me too!
Are you Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too!
Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too!
Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!”
I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
The pastor of a poor Protestant church passed away and the congregation went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
“Would you give $5 to bury the preacher?”
“Here’s $10,” said the atheist, “bury two of them.”
OK, I’m done :-)
Our Youth pastor used to work at a Presbyterian church. He calls them the "Frozen Chosen."
“Our Youth pastor used to work at a Presbyterian church. He calls them the “Frozen Chosen.” “
LOL, Yea I heard that one before. I grew up in an Assembly of God, and my wife in a community church that was even cooler than our EPC. The AOG down the street from our home is too charismatic for her taste, and the community church nearest us puts me to sleep. We settled on the EPC, and both like it. My only dislike is there are no Alter calls after a fiery sermon. If you want to come to Christ, you do it in a back room with an Elder.
The little girl replied: "Crap! We're a bunch of inbreds!"
I grew up Lutheran, but the church got a little to liberal for our taste, so we went to my Grandma’s (God rest her soul) Church, and found a home. We have a few Holy rollers in our Southern Bapstist Church. I did a major LOL when I first heard “Frozen Chosen!”
I had always presumed that “Frozen Chosen” referred to Lutherans, but I was told it referred to Presbyterians. I then resolved to get the local Korean Presbyterian congregation to adopt the nickname, “Chosun Frozen.”
(If they were Southern Baptists, they could serve their casseroles as Seoul Food?)
It was SILENCE and no fidgiting!
So when I was about 10 we had some sort of ecumenical thing one evening. The church was downtown and many of our guests were older black people, but it was sort of a light turnout and people scattered themselves around the echoing place.
So I was quite shocked and a little outraged at a pair of tiny older ladies a few rows behind us who "quietly" (to them I'm sure) added a heartfelt "AMEN" or "yes Lord" or "praise God" here and there during the service. I believe I turned and shot them sideways scowls several times but to my righteous little Catholic self, they just didn't know how to behave in church!