I am writing to make the announcement that I am becoming a Roman Catholic along with my wife Rhea and our six children. I realise that this decision is going to make some really happy, some very sad and others possibily angry. But, I have made the decision with the deepest sense of integrity and by conscience. I would like to share a bit of my faith journey though there are many gaps here, it is descriptive of my heart over the past few months. This is not particularly an academic account of what I have done in my studies but rather the spiritual wrestling that went on within me. The announcement was made this morning in all three parishes where I serve and is now a matter of public knowledge. My duties and licence in the parish end on 14 June 2009 (Corpus Christi Sunday) and my reception into Holy Mother Church is forthcoming.
My PhD studies really set me on my Catholic journey in a deep theological way though I did not realise it at the time. I have been looking at Bishop Lancelot Andrewes as a catalyst for ecumenism with the Catholic Church in the area of Eucharistic sacrifice. Andrewes was in regular dialogue with S. Robert Bellarmine SJ and it is in this dialogue and Andrewes’ other writings that I saw how Catholic he was with regards to the Eucharist being the Christian offering which consisted of more than a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving. It was and is propitiatory as well as other things.
Through my time of study in Catholic sacramental theology and viewing my own priestly ministry within this theological framework the question of communio began to frequently come to mind. I had fully embraced Catholic sacramental theology and believed that I could be a Catholic in the Church of England and planned on retirement from the C of E later in life. With all that is going on around the Anglican Communion presently, and particularly within the C of E and how she makes decisions on matters of doctrine, I began to ask questions about authority. As a theologian praying for reunion with the Holy See the question I was now asking was, ‘on whose terms does this reunion take place?’
What I became aware of was that it was almost impossible to say 'the Church teaching is' within the Anglican church because there are so many various opinions on matters of sacraments, liturgy, morality, scripture etc. What I did not want to experience anymore was proclaiming the teaching of the Church only to end up defending myself rather than the Anglican church defending me. This has become an ever-increasing impossibility that is no secret to the entire Anglican world. My preaching would always be seen as a matter of personal opinion rather than having the authority of the Magisterium that backs up what I teach publicly. Of course there is dissent in the Catholic Church but it is always that, dissent towards what Mother Church proclaims as authoritatively true. It is the truth of Mother Church that I embrace as my own deep personal faith.
In January of this year I began to seriously pray about my journey and was moving deeper into the question of communio. What was God saying to me and why did he bring me all the way to England to have me consider the possibility of becoming a Catholic? What about the last 19 years of my life and the pursuit of serving him in full-time ministry? What do I do about the ever-increasing reaffirmation and sense of call to vocational priesthood? These items I took to prayer with Ss Bede and Cuthbert at the Durham Cathedral each Friday during Lent. There I prayed for requests given to me by people from around the world and my own spiritual journey was a part of this prayer ministry. I gave myself to Mary and her Son and said ‘please lead and guide in the way you want me to go either by remaining a priest in the C of E or a move to the Catholic Church’. At this time I scheduled my retreat during Easter week to make a spiritual journey and pilgrimage to Rome. I had a number of meetings there with priests and a former Episcopal bishop (Father Jeffrey Steenson) who had converted from Anglicanism as well as an American Catholic priest who is in Rome finishing his PhD on the Pastoral Provision of the late Pope John Paul II.
In my heart, I knew that I had grown to love and believe the Catholic faith as it was taught in the Catholic Catechism. On my final day in Rome on 17 April 2009 I went to the tomb of S. Peter and knelt and prayed for quite some time. I knew in my heart I was a Catholic and asked what it was that was keeping me from converting. All sorts of fears ran through my head and I felt very restless there and at times just knelt quietly asking S. Peter to pray for me because I didn’t know how or the way to go. At the end of this time I went over and knelt at JPII's tomb and asked him to please pray for me as I was scared to make a journey like this with a wife and six children not knowing how God would provide for us.
After praying with JPII, I got up and went to S. Peter’s tomb again and there with conviction of heart signed the Roman Catholic Catechism stating ‘This is the Faith of the Church and this is my Faith’, and signed my name with the day's date. Before leaving the Basilica I walked over to the statue of S. Peter with the key in his hand, rubbed his foot, and said, ‘I am going out to find the way, open the door and make this happen and pray for me as I make this journey.’
One week later I was in a meeting with a couple of Catholic bishops in London. I had made the commitment in my heart that coming home to the Catholic Church was God’s plan for me. I have now made the biggest jump I have ever made in my life and I am trying really hard not to struggle too much as I fall while waiting for God to catch me. The one thing that has not changed in my heart but has only grown over the past nine years is my desire to remain in England as a Catholic. This desire has been confirmed through much prayer and discernment and all signs point to us remaining in England for the entirety of our lives. For numerous reasons, I am discerning God calling me to the southern region of the country, which has been my plan for three years. London will be our new home and if I am ever to be priested in the Catholic Church it is where I will be incardinated.
Though my time in Rome had quite a bit of emotion as I prayed, what I actually came to see was the end of the wrestling with these questions in my mind and heart. It was now time to act on what my conscience was saying to me for some time. It was time to surrender myself and submit to Mother Church knowing in faith that God would open doors. Here I saw the connection of what communio meant and how the union with Mother Church was now bringing me closer to Jesus where I am no longer to be in a party that is merely catholic-minded but am coming into communion with the Church of Jesus Christ which is in union with Saint Peter. This is my salvation. What I mean is that though I have continually been drawn closer to Jesus through worship, sacraments, and the cure of souls, this decision to move is a conversion to Christ that I have not yet experienced. I am now beginning to see how closely this final decision has drawn me to Jesus where what began ten years ago as a love discovered within the ceremonial beauty of worship has been God’s instrumental means of uniting me to the Catholic Church.
Finally, this leads me to my vocation to the priesthood and the cura animarum. I realise that I do not come to the Church making demands. I come offering my life to Jesus and to the Church as I seek his will for my life. For the time being, I am simply giving up being the teacher and am now becoming the student of Mother Church. What she does with me is in the best interest of her and God's kingdom. As I said, the family is preparing to move to London in the near future to begin a new life of ministry and service. There will be more details forthcoming as things become confirmed to me.
There are many people to whom I owe much thanks. I am particularly grateful for the opportunity Bishop Tom Wright entrusted to me by giving me the privilege of serving God in the Durham Diocese as a priest. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve the wonderful people of my parishes in Brandon, Ushaw Moor and New Brancepeth. I am grateful for my family of brothers in the SSC, FiFUK and our PEV's for seeking to maintain the Catholic faith in the C of E. I am grateful for the support my Anglican spiritual director, Canon Arthur Middleton, has given me over the past five years. I am also thankful for the support given to me the past few years from Father Peter and Brian my colleagues. For the latter part of this journey I am grateful for my new Catholic spiritual director Father Gerard Bradley who teaches at St. John's Seminary Wonersh and Gerard Hatton a soon-to-be candidate for ordination. My deepest gratitude goes to the wonderful woman who said 'yes' to my question over sixteen years ago. She has given me six wonderful children and all of them have a deep Catholic faith and serve Christ as witnesses to his love. Rhea meant her vows 16 years ago and has followed me throughout our marriage as my best friend, supporter and wisest critic. She is so grateful to finally be becoming Catholic as her family did a few years ago. Lumen Gentium reminded me that, Whosoever, therefore, knowing that the Catholic Church was made necessary by Christ, would refuse to enter or to remain in it, could not be saved. And so, I swim with my family entrusted to me by God. The process of our reception is now well under way.
There will be much more to come but this blog is now a Roman Catholic blog. I will continue to write within the framework of de cura animarum. Please pray for us as we pray for all of you!
UPDATE COMMENT: Can I go ahead and thank every one of the readers, commenters and those hundred or so private emails welcoming us home and promising us your prayers. Thi has been absolutely incredible to see the reception we are receiving. Please do keep praying while we sort out a home, work, schools etc. Keep them coming because they mean so much to us and we are saving them. One day when I write up my own apologia I will use them. Right now, as there have been the inevitable bumps along the way, they are floatation devices for us. What I mean is, sometimes crossing the Tiber looks like an easier swim than it really is. I told my Catholic bishop that I sometimes feel like the Tiber has stretched as wide as the Atlantic and I've been cast into the middle and told to swim. He said, 'yes, Jeffrey but there are devices out there to keep you above water, grab onto them and do not fear.' All of you are those devices that we are grabbing onto because of your love for us as we make this journey. So from all the Steels, thank you very much!!
There are some blogs that people have sent me about my move that the readers may be interested in. Here, here and here. If you have blogged this story please leave a link in the comment box. I cannot keep up with the mail and comments!
