Posted on 01/14/2010 1:10:34 AM PST by GonzoII
Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven – maybe – tips for avoiding an office affair.
A friend told me that when she started her job at a big company a few years ago, a family friend, who also worked there, pulled her aside to give her some advice.
Many people in their workplace had affairs, he said, and he’d seen lots of marriages break up. He’d kept his own marriage strong by following five rules about the workplace, and he urged her to keep the same rules:
1. Never take a first step in flirtation, even in jest.
2. Never have more than one drink with people from work. If that.
3. Never confide details from my personal life to people from work, and don’t allow them to confide in me.
4. Never allow myself to have a “special friend” of the attractive sex (sometimes called a “work spouse”) to whom I turn for particular support. (This is sometimes called an “emotional affair.”)
5. Unless it’s an unmistakably professional context, don’t meet alone with a colleague or client of the attractive sex. E.g, when a client calls with tickets for the baseball game, don’t go in a twosome.
He explained the reasoning behind his advice (which would apply to people in any long-term relationship, married or not).
There comes a time in every relationship, he said, when a couple doesn’t get along very well. This period might even last several years. Difficult kids, difficult schedules, health worries, money worries, and all the rest can create a lot of conflict.
If you have an intimate friend at work, someone who knows you very well, and understands your troubles, and appreciates you properly, and can offer you a sympathetic, conflict-free refuge from your annoying spouse/partner, the temptation to turn to that person is very strong.
Or if you’re alone with someone, on a business trip, or out drinking – you might give in to a sudden impulse.
Are these helpful tips? From a happiness-at-work perspective, some of them give me pause. In particular, I think #3 sounds awfully draconian. Studies show that people who have friends at work are happier than people who don’t, and it would be hard to have close friends if you followed Tip #3. In general, too, these tips put a constraint on work relationships, which are among the most important relationships we have.
Nevertheless, thinking back to my days working in an office, I think there’s some real value to these injunctions. They’re worth thinking over, to adapt to each person's particular situation.
In particular, I think people assume that it’s pretty straightforward to decide, “I would never have an affair” – that it’s just a matter of good character and solid values. But in practice, temptation can sometimes arise over a very long period of time, and not look the way we expect. Gradually, slowly, a relationship’s nature changes. Or by contrast, sometimes a very stressful or intense moment creates a sudden energy which, in the right environment, can lead to an affair.
La Rochefoucauld wrote, “It is much easier to extinguish a first desire than to satisfy all of those that follow it." I think that some people, quite innocently, can get started down a path that will lead them into temptation. It’s not easy to resist temptation, once it's presented, and this man developed his five strategies to keep himself from getting to that point.
I’ve heard two additional tips about avoiding an office affair, from other people:
6. Imagine your spouse/partner as an audience – cc’d on the email, listening to the phone call, walking suddenly into the conference room. If you’d feel uncomfortable in that situation, you’ve crossed some line.
7. If you develop a close relationship with someone from the attractive sex at work, get to know his or her family. That puts a damper on starting an affair.
What do you think? Do you agree with these tips? Do you think they’re too restrictive? Unnecessary? Would you suggest other strategies?
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Posted January 6, 2010
Just work with repulsive people.
Basically, if you don’t want to have an affair don’t start one.
Become so fat and repulsive nobody wants to have an affair with you.
Hey, it’s worked for a number of my former coworkers.
Or in my case, be repulsive :)
I work in law enforcement. Really don't have to worry too much about working with liberals.
Also, don’t play pranks on people you work with, like calling them up with a disguised voice and leaving a message with the secretary, “Just tell Frank his probation officer called.”
Also, never offer unsolicited compliments to people such as, “Say, that’s a nice haircut you gave yourself.”
“5. Unless it’s an unmistakably professional context, don’t meet alone with a colleague or client of the attractive sex.”
This is the big one. (so to speak)
It’s like sweet foods. If it ain’t in front of me, I typically won’t work too hard to get it.
.
6. Imagine your spouse/partner as an audience
or God, if you were married in a Church.
"I work for myself."
Right, and....? ;0)
I’ll file this under “duh”.
The fact someone would have to come up with 7 steps to not have an affair at the work place is pretty pathetic.
This is more of the touchy feely BS which will probably end up as new requirements for Office EEO & HRO folks to put out as mandatory reading.
I think this one is the most important tip. If you're having an after-work drink, what would your spouse say? If you're sharing details about the family, what would your spouse say? If you're online with someone and your spouse was looking over your shoulder, what would your spouse say?
'Bout sums it up for me.
Don't tempt fate or give satan ammo. Believe me, this can happen to the best of us.
I know from experience...
My husband and I have a home business.
He’s gonna be really freaked out when I refuse to be alone with him any more.
Take a job at the DNC, you’ll want to never socialise and would have to have a chemical scrub at the end of the day, guaranteed fidelity.
Although guaranteed your possibility of falling into a suicidal phase from being near the dems is possible.
So now, the phrase “opposite sex” has been consigned to the trash heap?
Yeah, I noticed that too. Interesting read if you take the term “attractive sex” to mean “some other dude”.
MAKE your spouse an audience. After-work drink with someone tempting? WTH? GO HOME!
Ok, pop-culture stupidity…
just work with the Fat, Ugly and Disgusting; become a eunuch or lizard drone…welcome to the Brave New World where everyone is not allowed to have a life or improve on social status…except for the political class, in other words: Butt Boy Paradise.
You're right, but I was thinking of the after-work office party - not just two individuals.
Pretty good advice for kids just starting out on their careers. I would say the rest of us have seen enough at
work we could have made the list.
How about, you live your life as such a witness of Christ’s love that people don’t even approach you with sexual suggestions, but still come for you as counsel? How about when an attractive woman comes into your office crying about her husband, you tell her that your heart goes out to her, and that Jesus dies on the Cross even for their sins and that forgiveness is the only way they will ever be happy? How about instead of fantaiszing about that hot woman at work, you ask God for forgiveness for coveting something that does not belong to you and being unfaithful in thought to Him and the wife He chose for you?
I think you make a good point. With the help of grace we can tactfully advise our colleagues about moral concerns.
I was just trying to be funny and advise you not to be a drunk. ;0)
“Never have more than one drink with people from work”
What if getting completely trashed is the only way to tolerate the people you work with?
For some reson this is really hard for some folks.
All of these “suggestions” just boil down to one immutable rule about not doing things you don’t want to do.
Simply put if you avoid situations where you will be tempted, low and behold you generally aren’t going to have a problem.
Doesn’t matter what the temptation is, you avoid placing yourself in situations where you can be tempted, you never have to worry about that “moment of weakness”.
I flirt, drink, go out with, and have fun with people from work and hell lots of people I know from other contexts. I don’t talk to much about my personal life with them, but I don’t talk much about my personal life with anyone. But I never let myself get into the situation where its clearly available right that moment. Been there, and let me tell you, saying NO is very very hard. I can definitely understand how people can fall in those situations.
Everyone whos ever faced temptation and is honest can tell you, simply avoiding the temptation is the easiest path to not wind up yeilding to it.
Everyone has to know their limitations, but no matter how strong or weak you personally are, the simplest path is to simply avoid situations that put you in a place where you will be tempted.
#8 Work with your spouse.
Personally I can’t imagine having an affair with someone I work with, no matter how attracted I may be to them. That to me just has disaster written all over it. Though I suppose with enough alcohol in me in the right situation a line could get crossed, but I just can’t see it.
Then again I work in IT, and attractive women in IT are few and far between... hell, women at all in IT are an overwhelming minority.
Work with your spouse?? Hell that’s a recipe for divorce.
It does appear to be on the way out, don't it?
Ain't that the truth. And the few women are usually from India or China.
LOL - It certainly can be. My husband and I run a construction related business. Obviously I am surrounded by hunky men. My husband's presence is enough to remind me not to drool.
“ATTRACTIVE SEX” ?
is this an article that states the obvious being used to modify the language to imply homosexual affairs/relations as “normal”? seems so.
I’ve had several close friendships with the opposite sex in the workplace.
Just fear God, and act decently. What’s so difficult?
time for a new job ...
Hahaha... well I was thinking of it from a different viewpoint.. I love my wife dearly, but the idea of being around her 24 hours a day 5 days a week.. Hell, we’d be at each other’s throats.
Thank you for your vulnerability. We *do* need to be on guard, even if we think we’re invulnerable.
Just don’t take her 127.0.0.1
Yeah, I read that the same way. “Opposite sex” would have affirmed normal male-female relationships, while “attractive sex” affirms homosexual relationships. Yuck.
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