Skip to comments.They Say Marriage is a Dying Institution: What's Really Dying is Love
Posted on 05/10/2011 7:59:51 AM PDT by Bed_Zeppelin
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Catholic Online) - The pronouncement came from actress Cameron Diaz and psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow last week: marriage is a dying institution. It is an old tradition that has now overstayed its welcome and should be thrown out the back door. It doesn't suit us or our world any longer. So they say.
(Excerpt) Read more at catholic.org ...
Been married for 26 years by the grace of God. Don't see marriage being a dying, antiquated institution. It is selfishness that destroys marriage.
"And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold." Matt 24:12
I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get married. Even assuming no children are involved a man can lose his shirt and good bit of skin in a divorce. If there are kids involved I would probably never see them again except when mommy neded money.
The entire institution of marriage has become such a stacked and risky game that I can’t see myself becoming a part of it unless I had a bullet proof prenup. Then we’ll talk about love.
Congrats on 26 years. I'll be starting in about 30 days! Haha. I'd also like to add that it's a lack of hard work as well. People today feel that things should come easy, and if they don't, they quit. That philosophy has been drilled into us. IE, Computer slows down... don't fix it, get a new one.
About to hit 30 years here. It all depends on whether you can put the interests of your spouse ahead of your own interests and if she/he can do the same.
Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church.
Sometimes one party does hold up their end of the contract while the other commits adultery or worse... and abandons their mate.
Love is important, but what is really “dying” is commitment (and not just in marriage).
You are right on the money. It is a lot of work, but the rewards more than justify the effort.
Months back, I was watching the raunchy comedian Jim Breuer (SNL’s Goat Boy) and his Hard Core comedy live series.
He goes on to his segment about marriage. He explains (a bit serious) that the reason of divorces/separation and using the “passion is not there” is a COP OUT and an EXCUSE.
I cannot go into specifics of “how” he explained it due to the uncensored version of it but this guy who hung out with Howard Stern and Lars Ullrich of Metallica in drinking binges explained it in a raunchy way that the passion/love is and always be there in a relationship. It’s on Youtube too.
She's almost 40 and has never been married. She has been dumped by a cavalcade of celebrities, however.
I'm not sure if her analysis here is disinterested. I am sure that it's as uninformed as her commentary on every other topic.
When she's without makeup....WOOF!
Married 29 years at the end of this month. Still in love, still attracted, still happy, with far more understanding of the strength of love than when we were 20.
The psychiatrist is a fool if he thinks children need mostly just to be provided for, and not to grow up in a stable home, knowing that they were brought into the world by a love that endures.
And he is a fool if he thinks that his interpretation of the experience of his patients - people troubled by mental illness or circumstances with which they cannot cope - is
the standard by which marriage should be judged.
Does he think that most people aren’t attracted to their partners after five years? How attractive are his patients going to be after they hit their thirties and forties anyway? How many men are going to be lined up to provide sex and companionship to a single mother in her forties who’s been around the block too many times already?
I’m engaged to someone I went to high school with 30 years ago. He is divorced from one of our other classmates and had to start over financially 7 years ago. That has made him very wary. Luckily them sharing the kids equally has worked out well.
He feels in his heart that we are married and at our age having kids is off the table. However, I’ve never been married before and I believe that the act and vows are extremely important so he’ll do what makes me happy.
I’ve offered to sign a prenup but he has declined, stating that he can’t enter into a marriage again thinking that it could fail. Neither of us is perfect but we’re perfect for each other and at 48 we’re old enough and weathered enough to know how to make things work.
You just may find the right person some day too.
Ms Diaz needs to take her message to the homosexual community.
Exactly right. I have been married 23 years. I have seen friends after 15 years and a couple of kids later call it quits. First, what attracted them to their spouse in the beginning that doesn’t attract them now, same person? Second, why did they continue to have children with someone they don’t care for anymore? And third, have they ever stuck to any commitment in their life? I believe it is the same entitlement attitude at a different level. Extremely selfish and not fair to the children they involve. They need to grow up.
Marriage may be fraught with risk, but it is less risky to you and the human race than promiscuity. Promiscuity leads to poorly reared children or aborted children, STDs, broken hearts or hardened hearts. Unless you have taken a vow a celibacy, I would urge you to consider that committed love is worth the risk and may even extend your life, as compared with whatever sex you are having without it.
Also, won’t you be needing some mutual care-giving when you are elderly? Plan now to spend your life with a loyal and caring person who will help you when you can’t do it all yourself.
>>The psychiatrist is a fool if he thinks children need mostly just to be provided for, and not to grow up in a stable home, knowing that they were brought into the world by a love that endures.
After I started teaching, I noticed that honors/AP classes had mostly kids from 2 parent homes, while regular ed has children from divorced homes. It’s pretty obvious.
translation: hollyweird types want to flaunt their hedonism and marriage as norm obstruct their revelries.
Well, I was the honors/AP kid from a broken home. And having had the foundation of my world destroyed, I was determined that my children would never have to endure that.
Perhaps Dr. Ablow comes from a subculture where divorce and self-serving parents are the norm, and children grow up never knowing what they have lost.
Precisely. When you say "I choose you" to your spouse first thing every morning, and then proceed with the attitude you mentioned, every act you perform is a gift of giving, and everything your spouse does is a gift you receive. 15 years married here. Looking forward to every day to come.
One could argue that a prenuptial agreement needn't have anything to do with distrust. Rather, it could be viewed strictly as a protection of his children's inheritance rights (e.g., in the event that he should precede you in death).
Part of it is how society has changed the definition of "love." Now it's just a feeling or attached to the physical, and once that changes or is gone, so are they. But that's not how God defines love. It's a decision, an act of will, a choice. The best definition I ever heard for love "a quality decision to view someone as valuable and precious." Notice it doesn't say anything about how lovely the beloved is or how loving the beloved is behaving at any particular time. It's totally on the person doing the loving to will to love.
The End Of Empathy
A University of Michigan Study of nearly 14,000 college students has found that they have less empathy than college students did during the 1980s or 1990s. In fact, todays college students scored about 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts did 20 or 30 years ago.
Empathy is one of the most valuable psychological resources we have. It allows us to resonate with and respond to the suffering of others. It also allows us to care deeply about the fates of those we love, including our spouses and children. When empathy is destroyed, people are free (in a terrible way) not only to ignore the needs of others, but to perpetrate emotional or physical violence upon them.
Liberals believe that empathy is the government's business.
Agreed. Also the ability to delay gratification and actually put in the labor before gaining the reward is "dying."
And contraception is the killer.
Hmmm. I wonder how much of that is an unintentional consequence of the combination of both multiculturalism and the self-esteem movements? When it's been drilled into your head from the time you're 2 that everyone is the same and everyone is a winner, and that you're just so special, it's hard to see anyone's plight. First, because you're taught to be self-centered, and second because you're taught to just accept other cultures/people as they are and not worry about them, after all, they WANT to be that way, or the government will fix it.
2-Promotion of immediate Self gratification.
3-Promotion of a “no consequences” society.
Priorities to form a solid foundation!
1- Similar Values
2- True Friendship
3- Mutual Trust
4- Mutual Respect
These are important, but change throughout your life, and therefore don’t provide the FOUNDATION that the first 4 do.
Just married for the first time at 57.
They fail to consider that a voluntary provision of wealth is called charity, but an involuntary provision is called theft.
Petards. They are hoisted.
I had one 33 years ago do that to me. I have been married to my second wife now for 26 years.
Congratulations. Husband and I have been married 20 years and have known each other for 25. What I hope for my children: to find good, honest, committed spouses and marry for life. You are right that selfishness destroys a marriage. Personally, if people lived up to the vows they took before God and their family/friends then divorce would be rare IMHO.
I tried to tell him that, but he doesn’t want to listen. His son is 22 and daughter is 15. Since I’ve never had kids of my own I feel blessed to be involved in their lives.
It’s my intent to make sure there’s never a reason for him to have needed one.
Wishing you the best and an early Congratulations! May you and your loved one be blessed with many years of happiness!
I have been so blessed with 28 years with the man of my life! That unconditional love can be sometimes difficult to find, but one is so blessed when you find it!
There has been an excellent paper posted in here about the relationship between marriage and civilization. It basically makes the case for marriage creating and maintaining civilization.
Marriage protected me from myself in my younger wilder days. It provided sustenance and protection for my wife and children, so it protected them too.
It’s not about feelings, or “love”, it’s about making and keeping a promise that I made to her and God, in the presence of witnesses in 1967. It ultimately is about honor and integrity. It’s a way for me to define who I am.
It seems like I’ve spent my entire adult life married. Not quite that long, but she’s still happily my Shorter Cuter Half. Marriage is a sacrament, and a gift from God. I treasure it, and pray that all here who are married, do too.
>>Well, I was the honors/AP kid from a broken home. And having had the foundation of my world destroyed, I was determined that my children would never have to endure that.
>>Perhaps Dr. Ablow comes from a subculture where divorce and self-serving parents are the norm, and children grow up never knowing what they have lost.
Excellent, my principal was from a single parent family and worked his butt off to get a free-ride scholarship and now has a Ph.D. in education. Most of these kids, however, end up depressed and forlorn.
Thanks but it truly is strength and grace from God. We’ve literally been through it all. Deaths in the family, sickness, unemployment, etc., and the multitude of temptations that came to each of us. We’re scarred and battle tested but still together. I honestly feel a deeper love for my wife now than I did at the beginning. I feel for those who will never experience this.
There is truth to that. Which is why you HAVE to be very careful.
“I feel for those who will never experience this...”
I do as well. I especially feel sorry for those who tried. I mean really tried, did the right things but were hurt by the other person. Unfortunately, it takes TWO people committed to make it work. Sometimes one isn’t and the other person is left in shambles. To me, that is very sad.
God is Love, God can’t die, Love can’t die.
Quite frankly, one can have the same fears about nearly anything.
I don't think things are so bad -- check http://www.divorcerate.org/
It is frequently reported that the divorce rate in America is 50%. This data is not accurately correct, however, it is reasonably close to actual. The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that "Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue.", which is actually a projection.....I think the 40% rate is heavily due to multiple marriages
According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%
Also, it depends on the mentality of the partners -- for my wife and me divorce is not even on the table, not an option, full stop. For many folks an argument means the big D word. Just put it out of your mind and both should sincerely try to work it out.
Of course, the chance of divorce increases if people don’t share the same religious, moral beliefs.
Would be good for you guys past the Silver Anniversary to give any words of advice to the rest of us!
During a disagreement one of our daughters asked “You’re not getting a divorce are you?”
We laughed, and said no - sometimes we disagree, and we apologized for letting it show in front of them. But it is sad because they see so many of their friends with divorced parents.
We told them that when we got married, divorce was not an option. Things can sometimes be rough, but you work through them. Divorce is not an option for us.
The same daughter, after thinking a bit asked “So did you have to sign the no divorce option before you got married? Or can you do it afterwards?”