Skip to comments.Catholic Church to Replace Priests With Robots
Posted on 09/29/2011 7:48:46 AM PDT by Alex MurphyEdited on 09/29/2011 9:22:12 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
VATICAN CITY — In an attempt to head off a tidal wave of lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of children by priests within the Roman Catholic Church, and Rome’s attempt to cover up the crimes, the Vatican is planning to replace all priests with robots.
Initially the priests to be replaced will be in the United States, but if the program is successful, it could be extended to other countries, said Marco Batelli, a lawyer for the Vatican.
Batelli said human priests wouldn’t be arbitrarily ousted from their positions, rather they would be replaced by robots as they retired or died.
The church has been developing robot priests for the past two years, Batelli said. A live test took place recently in Japan, he said. In the ceremony, which was held in a restaurant to avoid protests from devout Catholics, bride Satoko Inouye was married to her groom Tomohiro Shibata by I-Fairy, a four-foot robot wearing a wreath of flowers. This was the first time a marriage had been led by a robot, according to a statement issued by RoboPriest Japan, a joint venture between the Vatican and robot manufacturer Kokoro Co.
Vatican observer Kristof Klein said, “The beauty of RoboPriests is that they can be programmed to perform almost all the sacramental duties of priests. Their ultimate virtue, of course, is that they don’t molest little boys.”
No one is sure if the RoboPriest ploy will turn the tide for a church under severe pressure in the courts, but most experts on Vatican affairs agree that desperate times call for desperate measures.
“The church is running scared,” said Walter Lysburn, an ecclesiastical scholar in Rome. “They are desperate to do anything they can to placate victims of sexual abuse. The lawsuits could cost them billions. I know for a fact that Sotherbys has visited the Vatican and put preliminary prices on the Pieta and the Sistine Chapel. [snip]
....The church has been developing robot priests for the past two years, Batelli said. A live test took place recently in Japan, he said. In the ceremony, which was held in a restaurant to avoid protests from devout Catholics, bride Satoko Inouye was married to her groom Tomohiro Shibata by I-Fairy, a four-foot robot wearing a wreath of flowers. This was the first time a marriage had been led by a robot, according to a statement issued by RoboPriest Japan, a joint venture between the Vatican and robot manufacturer Kokoro Co.
If the robot is on wheels does that make it a holy roller?
What’s sad is that there are people who would actually believe this drivel. Zero concept of what the priesthood actually is. Very sad.
He's an admitted robo-sexual, isn't "he"?
Coin operated, no doubt... :P
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says," What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
Is it ironic or iconic that you would stoop to posting from a source like "Lying Dog News" without identifying it as humor or sarcasm?. Do you think you have an obligation to post that this is a site not unlike the Onion or are you comfortable with inferring or implying that this is a legitimate story?
From their website: Lying Dog News: What You Need to Know But They Wont Tell You.
Lying Dog News provides a refreshing and provocative take on news, trends, pop culture, current events, politics, sports and entertainment.
Unlike the mainstream media which strives to present a factual representation of life on Earth while often falling woefully short, Lying Dog News has as its mission to always fall woefully short of the truth, often in spectacularly entertaining ways.
The priest is an alter Christus, another Christ, due to his Sacrament of Holy Orders.
I did see the humor marked on this, but you are playing with fire in blaspheming the Catholic Church in such a way.
Lord, have mercy.
There is nothing new under the sun :-)
The ancient Greeks had a coin operated Holy Water dispenser, designed by Heron around AD 60
Hey Chuckles, do you think you have an obligation to engage your brain before opening your piehole?
Can it be any CLEARER???!
Now that's just downright cool!
Designed by the Greek inventor Heron, this coin-operated holy water dispenser was used in Egyptian temples to dispense water for ritual washings. Worshippers would place a coin into the machine and receive holy water to bathe themselves with before entering the temple. At the end of the day, the slot machine would be emptied of its coins and refilled with holy water for the next day's worshippers. Dropping a coin into the slot machine initiates a chain reaction: the weight of the coin depresses a metal pan, which in turn results in the opening of a valve, which in turn allows the water to flow out for the worshipper.
Sounds like the inspiration for the "free burrito" coin drop game at Taco Bell!
Next we’ll hear about robotic molestation in the church.
Also, do not use potty language or references to potty language on the Religion Forum. It results in an automatic removal of your post.
The author forgot the first rule of comedy.
Understood. But if something is posted as "humor" doesn't it have to be funny?
“Lying Dog News”? I think the dog has a hold on my pants leg and is giving it a small tug! Yeeehawww!
That ain't gonna happen. And per my copy of Websters New World Dictionary the word in question is vulgar when used as a verb, but when used as a noun it means nonsense, falseness, insincerity, etc.
Yeah, it should be funny...
Do you really expect fairness when the originator of this thread is involved?
Exactly. Major fail.
The guy found a weird picture of a Japanese couple getting married by a robot and proceeded to write a humorless, predictable bore of an article out of it.
Nothing cutting, insightful, clever, original, or remotely entertaining emerges from the effort.
Funny to whom?
I usually don’t respond to this kind of stuff or post on the religious forum and probably shouldn’t have this time.
No. I just snipped the language from the article and removed the post for quoting it.
Thanks for removing that.
Gratias tibi, pater maxime roboto
Klaatu Barada Nikto!
“Another Christ”?!!! Talk about blasphemous! Not to mention completely unbiblical, just like much of Catholicism.
In After The Perpetually Offended
Why not? With a system in place, ex opere operato, (the built in efficacy of a sacrament properly conferred) why can’t a robot that’s properly programmed suffice?
The entire thread should be deleted or the offending responses likewise edited.
Flame Warriors The Crybaby
Gort not Styx fan. Gort like Kraftwerk.
Those who have their off color and foul mouthed comments pulled seem to be the most often offended. Probably just a coincidence,...... probably....
I wonder when the Onion picks it up and it goes viral.
Calling Frank Zappa...
If the robot is on wheels does that make it a holy roller?
Uhhhhhhh . . . no.
Unless it has been certified as a member of an authentic Roman Catholic Charismatic group.
Have been resisting entering the fray on this great humor thread . . .
However, given the obnoxious whining on the part of the usual ranters and spewers . . . it does get tempting.
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