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Catholic Church to Replace Priests With Robots
Lying Dog News ^ | May 18, 2010 | Roland Pettigrew

Posted on 09/29/2011 7:48:46 AM PDT by Alex Murphy

Edited on 09/29/2011 9:22:12 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]

VATICAN CITY — In an attempt to head off a tidal wave of lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of children by priests within the Roman Catholic Church, and Rome’s attempt to cover up the crimes, the Vatican is planning to replace all priests with robots.

Initially the priests to be replaced will be in the United States, but if the program is successful, it could be extended to other countries, said Marco Batelli, a lawyer for the Vatican.

Batelli said human priests wouldn’t be arbitrarily ousted from their positions, rather they would be replaced by robots as they retired or died.

The church has been developing robot priests for the past two years, Batelli said. A live test took place recently in Japan, he said. In the ceremony, which was held in a restaurant to avoid protests from devout Catholics, bride Satoko Inouye was married to her groom Tomohiro Shibata by I-Fairy, a four-foot robot wearing a wreath of flowers. This was the first time a marriage had been led by a robot, according to a statement issued by RoboPriest Japan, a joint venture between the Vatican and robot manufacturer Kokoro Co.

Vatican observer Kristof Klein said, “The beauty of RoboPriests is that they can be programmed to perform almost all the sacramental duties of priests. Their ultimate virtue, of course, is that they don’t molest little boys.”

No one is sure if the RoboPriest ploy will turn the tide for a church under severe pressure in the courts, but most experts on Vatican affairs agree that desperate times call for desperate measures.

“The church is running scared,” said Walter Lysburn, an ecclesiastical scholar in Rome. “They are desperate to do anything they can to placate victims of sexual abuse. The lawsuits could cost them billions. I know for a fact that Sotherbys has visited the Vatican and put preliminary prices on the Pieta and the Sistine Chapel. [snip]


TOPICS: Catholic; Humor; Ministry/Outreach
KEYWORDS: robot
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In an attempt to head off a tidal wave of lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of children by priests within the Roman Catholic Church, and Rome’s attempt to cover up the crimes, the Vatican is planning to replace all priests with robots....

....The church has been developing robot priests for the past two years, Batelli said. A live test took place recently in Japan, he said. In the ceremony, which was held in a restaurant to avoid protests from devout Catholics, bride Satoko Inouye was married to her groom Tomohiro Shibata by I-Fairy, a four-foot robot wearing a wreath of flowers. This was the first time a marriage had been led by a robot, according to a statement issued by RoboPriest Japan, a joint venture between the Vatican and robot manufacturer Kokoro Co.


1 posted on 09/29/2011 7:48:49 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy
Father Bender


2 posted on 09/29/2011 7:52:37 AM PDT by USMCPOP (Father of LCpl. Karl Linn, KIA 1/26/2005 Al Haqlaniyah, Iraq)
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To: Alex Murphy

If the robot is on wheels does that make it a holy roller?


3 posted on 09/29/2011 7:55:03 AM PDT by CynicalBear
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To: Alex Murphy

What’s sad is that there are people who would actually believe this drivel. Zero concept of what the priesthood actually is. Very sad.


4 posted on 09/29/2011 8:05:44 AM PDT by surroundedbyblue (Live the message of Fatima - pray & do penance!)
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To: USMCPOP
Father Bender

He's an admitted robo-sexual, isn't "he"?

5 posted on 09/29/2011 8:06:54 AM PDT by Charles Martel (Endeavor to persevere...)
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To: Alex Murphy

Coin operated, no doubt... :P


6 posted on 09/29/2011 8:09:09 AM PDT by roamer_1 (Globalism is just socialism in a business suit.)
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To: Alex Murphy
And when the time is right, the Robots will rise up and help the Pope recapture Europe.
7 posted on 09/29/2011 8:10:38 AM PDT by MetaThought
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To: Tijeras_Slim
Been a while since we had a good robot thread

------------------------------------------

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says," What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

8 posted on 09/29/2011 8:12:10 AM PDT by don-o (He will not share His glory and He will NOT be mocked! Blessed be the name of the Lord forever.)
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To: Alex Murphy
"In an attempt to head off a tidal wave of lawsuits stemming from the sexual abuse of children by priests within the Roman Catholic Church, and Rome’s attempt to cover up the crimes, the Vatican is planning to replace all priests with robots...."

Is it ironic or iconic that you would stoop to posting from a source like "Lying Dog News" without identifying it as humor or sarcasm?. Do you think you have an obligation to post that this is a site not unlike the Onion or are you comfortable with inferring or implying that this is a legitimate story?

From their website: Lying Dog News: What You Need to Know But They Won’t Tell You.

Lying Dog News provides a refreshing and provocative take on news, trends, pop culture, current events, politics, sports and entertainment.

Unlike the mainstream media which strives to present a factual representation of life on Earth while often falling woefully short, Lying Dog News has as its mission to always fall woefully short of the truth, often in spectacularly entertaining ways.

9 posted on 09/29/2011 8:12:50 AM PDT by Natural Law (For God so loved the world He did not send a book.)
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To: Alex Murphy

The priest is an alter Christus, another Christ, due to his Sacrament of Holy Orders.

I did see the humor marked on this, but you are playing with fire in blaspheming the Catholic Church in such a way.

Lord, have mercy.


10 posted on 09/29/2011 8:13:13 AM PDT by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: Alex Murphy

There is nothing new under the sun :-)

The ancient Greeks had a coin operated Holy Water dispenser, designed by Heron around AD 60

http://www.smith.edu/hsc/museum/ancient_inventions/hsc18b.htm


11 posted on 09/29/2011 8:19:04 AM PDT by RedStateRocker (Nuke Mecca, Deport all illegals, abolish the IRS, DEA and ATF.)
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To: Natural Law
Is it ironic or iconic that you would stoop to posting from a source like "Lying Dog News" without identifying it as humor or sarcasm?. Do you think you have an obligation to post that this is a site not unlike the Onion or are you comfortable with inferring or implying that this is a legitimate story?

Hey Chuckles, do you think you have an obligation to engage your brain before opening your piehole?

TOPICS: Catholic; Humor; Ministry/Outreach; Click to Add Topic

12 posted on 09/29/2011 8:19:43 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: Alex Murphy
It's all coming together now. The current pope will retire and be replaced by a Popebot. "Peter" The RO-MAN.

Can it be any CLEARER???!

13 posted on 09/29/2011 8:21:07 AM PDT by smvoice (The Cross was NOT God's Plan B.)
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To: RedStateRocker
The ancient Greeks had a coin operated Holy Water dispenser, designed by Heron around AD 60

http://www.smith.edu/hsc/museum/ancient_inventions/hsc18b.htm

Now that's just downright cool!


Designed by the Greek inventor Heron, this coin-operated holy water dispenser was used in Egyptian temples to dispense water for ritual washings. Worshippers would place a coin into the machine and receive holy water to bathe themselves with before entering the temple. At the end of the day, the slot machine would be emptied of its coins and refilled with holy water for the next day's worshippers. Dropping a coin into the slot machine initiates a chain reaction: the weight of the coin depresses a metal pan, which in turn results in the opening of a valve, which in turn allows the water to flow out for the worshipper.

14 posted on 09/29/2011 8:24:33 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: RedStateRocker
Dropping a coin into the slot machine initiates a chain reaction: the weight of the coin depresses a metal pan, which in turn results in the opening of a valve, which in turn allows the water to flow out for the worshipper

Sounds like the inspiration for the "free burrito" coin drop game at Taco Bell!

>

15 posted on 09/29/2011 8:29:15 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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Comment #16 Removed by Moderator

To: Alex Murphy

Good grief!!!
Next we’ll hear about robotic molestation in the church.


17 posted on 09/29/2011 8:37:28 AM PDT by Joan Kerrey
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To: Natural Law
Humor is allowed on "open" Religion Forum threads. If you find it offensive, IGNORE the "open" RF thread altogether and instead post to RF threads labeled "prayer" "devotional" "caucus" or "ecumenical."

Also, do not use potty language or references to potty language on the Religion Forum. It results in an automatic removal of your post.

18 posted on 09/29/2011 8:39:40 AM PDT by Religion Moderator
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To: Alex Murphy

The author forgot the first rule of comedy.


19 posted on 09/29/2011 8:40:13 AM PDT by dead (I've got my eye out for Mullah Omar.)
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To: Religion Moderator
Humor is allowed on "open" Religion Forum threads.

Understood. But if something is posted as "humor" doesn't it have to be funny?

20 posted on 09/29/2011 8:47:32 AM PDT by johniegrad
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To: Alex Murphy

“Lying Dog News”? I think the dog has a hold on my pants leg and is giving it a small tug! Yeeehawww!


21 posted on 09/29/2011 8:48:40 AM PDT by count-your-change (You don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough.)
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To: Religion Moderator
"If you find it offensive, IGNORE the "open" RF thread altogether and instead post to RF threads labeled "prayer" "devotional" "caucus" or "ecumenical.""

That ain't gonna happen. And per my copy of Websters New World Dictionary the word in question is vulgar when used as a verb, but when used as a noun it means nonsense, falseness, insincerity, etc.

22 posted on 09/29/2011 8:51:18 AM PDT by Natural Law (For God so loved the world He did not send a book.)
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Comment #23 Removed by Moderator

To: dead
The author forgot the first rule of comedy.

Yeah, it should be funny...

24 posted on 09/29/2011 8:54:16 AM PDT by Last Dakotan
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To: johniegrad
"It also doesn't apply to the article apparently."

Do you really expect fairness when the originator of this thread is involved?

25 posted on 09/29/2011 8:57:48 AM PDT by Natural Law (For God so loved the world He did not send a book.)
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To: Last Dakotan
Yeah, it should be funny...

Exactly. Major fail.

The guy found a weird picture of a Japanese couple getting married by a robot and proceeded to write a humorless, predictable bore of an article out of it.

Nothing cutting, insightful, clever, original, or remotely entertaining emerges from the effort.

26 posted on 09/29/2011 9:04:29 AM PDT by dead (I've got my eye out for Mullah Omar.)
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To: johniegrad

Funny to whom?


27 posted on 09/29/2011 9:18:22 AM PDT by Religion Moderator
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To: Natural Law

I usually don’t respond to this kind of stuff or post on the religious forum and probably shouldn’t have this time.


28 posted on 09/29/2011 9:20:00 AM PDT by johniegrad
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To: Religion Moderator
For future reference, can any “potty language” used in an article be considered OK to use in the comments related to that article?

Regards

29 posted on 09/29/2011 9:22:17 AM PDT by Rashputin (Obama is insane but kept medicated and on golf courses to hide it)
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To: Rashputin

No. I just snipped the language from the article and removed the post for quoting it.


30 posted on 09/29/2011 9:24:44 AM PDT by Religion Moderator
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To: Religion Moderator

Thanks for removing that.


31 posted on 09/29/2011 9:27:22 AM PDT by johniegrad
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To: Religion Moderator
Thanks, I was just wondering not suggesting something be removed.
32 posted on 09/29/2011 9:36:18 AM PDT by Rashputin (Obama is insane but kept medicated and on golf courses to hide it)
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To: don-o

Gratias tibi, pater maxime roboto

Freegards


33 posted on 09/29/2011 9:53:44 AM PDT by Ransomed
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To: Ransomed
Gratias tibi, pater maxime roboto

Klaatu Barada Nikto!

34 posted on 09/29/2011 10:14:34 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: Salvation

“Another Christ”?!!! Talk about blasphemous! Not to mention completely unbiblical, just like much of Catholicism.


35 posted on 09/29/2011 10:58:34 AM PDT by WXRGina
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To: Alex Murphy; 1000 silverlings; bkaycee; blue-duncan; boatbums; caww; count-your-change; ...

In After The Perpetually Offended


36 posted on 09/29/2011 12:23:34 PM PDT by metmom (For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore & do not submit again to a yoke of slavery)
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To: Alex Murphy

Why not? With a system in place, ex opere operato, (the built in efficacy of a sacrament properly conferred) why can’t a robot that’s properly programmed suffice?


37 posted on 09/29/2011 12:32:14 PM PDT by blue-duncan
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To: Alex Murphy

LOL


38 posted on 09/29/2011 12:37:06 PM PDT by wmfights (If you want change support SenateConservatives.com)
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To: CynicalBear

LIKE


39 posted on 09/29/2011 12:38:05 PM PDT by RnMomof7
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To: smvoice

LIKE


40 posted on 09/29/2011 12:39:52 PM PDT by RnMomof7
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To: Religion Moderator
"No. I just snipped the language from the article and removed the post for quoting it."

The entire thread should be deleted or the offending responses likewise edited.

41 posted on 09/29/2011 12:53:33 PM PDT by Natural Law (For God so loved the world He did not send a book.)
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To: Alex Murphy
I see your thread is bringing out the best in people.

Flame Warriors The Crybaby

42 posted on 09/29/2011 1:05:41 PM PDT by metmom (For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore & do not submit again to a yoke of slavery)
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To: Alex Murphy

Gort not Styx fan. Gort like Kraftwerk.

Freegards


43 posted on 09/29/2011 1:06:42 PM PDT by Ransomed
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To: metmom

Those who have their off color and foul mouthed comments pulled seem to be the most often offended. Probably just a coincidence,...... probably....


44 posted on 09/29/2011 1:26:28 PM PDT by count-your-change (You don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough.)
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To: Alex Murphy

Cute article.

I wonder when the Onion picks it up and it goes viral.


45 posted on 09/29/2011 1:47:55 PM PDT by markomalley (Nothing emboldens the wicked so greatly as the lack of courage on the part of the good-Pope Leo XIII)
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To: Salvation; Alex Murphy
The priest is an alter Christus, another Christ, due to his Sacrament of Holy Orders.

I did see the humor marked on this, but you are playing with fire in blaspheming the Catholic Church in such a way.
Lord, have mercy.



Did this get erased from your Bible ?

Mathew 24:4 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you. 24:5 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.

Just who is that says they he will be like the most High?

Isiah14:12 How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! :13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: :14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.


Hmmm a fake Jesus is sent by who?????
46 posted on 09/29/2011 2:21:05 PM PDT by Lera
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To: Alex Murphy

Calling Frank Zappa...


47 posted on 09/29/2011 2:22:05 PM PDT by montyspython (This thread needs more cowbell)
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To: metmom
I see your thread is bringing out the best in people.
Flame Warriors The Crybaby

ROTFL!

48 posted on 09/29/2011 2:29:43 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: CynicalBear

If the robot is on wheels does that make it a holy roller?


Uhhhhhhh . . . no.

Unless it has been certified as a member of an authentic Roman Catholic Charismatic group.


49 posted on 09/29/2011 2:39:21 PM PDT by Quix (Times are a changin' INSURE you have believed in your heart & confessed Jesus as Lord Come NtheFlesh)
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To: Alex Murphy

Have been resisting entering the fray on this great humor thread . . .

However, given the obnoxious whining on the part of the usual ranters and spewers . . . it does get tempting.


50 posted on 09/29/2011 2:39:28 PM PDT by Quix (Times are a changin' INSURE you have believed in your heart & confessed Jesus as Lord Come NtheFlesh)
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