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Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the First Time
The Talking Mirror ^ | 3 September 2009

Posted on 10/31/2011 6:47:53 PM PDT by Gamecock


He didn't know Jesus was such a stickler.

Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood “Church” in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: I’m Joel Osteen. “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?” Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. “I tell you what, I don’t get it. Where’s the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I don’t know. You get my point.” Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to “invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds” or how “being a good steward means being successful in the stock market.” The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastor’s back. “And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You can’t be serious.”

The experience has completely derailed work on Osteen’s next book Your Bestest Life Now. “What am I supposed to tell people? When God came to Earth, He was poor? Come on. No one is going to buy that,” Osteen said as he dismissively sipped on a Perrier. “If people are going to do this whole ‘Christian’ thing, there’s gotta be something in it for them. And what’s the Gospel offering them? Spiritual wealth? Treasures in Heaven? What does that even mean?” Osteen is also unsure of how to incorporate Jesus’ words regarding the ease with which the wealthy enter heaven: “A camel through the head of a needle? Give me a break. That’d take a miracle.”

In order to avoid any confusion between his writings and the “poverty” of the Gospels, Osteen has decided to have bookstores categorize his books as Christianish rather than just Christian. “See that? See what we did there? We’ve got Christian in there because that’s P.C., but we threw the ‘ish’ on the end so that people know it’s not so Christian that it’s not about money. We dodged a big one here, we really did,” said Osteen.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: gospels; joelosteen; lakewood; osteen; satire
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1 posted on 10/31/2011 6:47:56 PM PDT by Gamecock
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To: Alex Murphy

PinG


2 posted on 10/31/2011 6:48:37 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: Gamecock

pathetic


3 posted on 10/31/2011 6:49:51 PM PDT by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: Gamecock

LOL


4 posted on 10/31/2011 6:50:56 PM PDT by RnMomof7
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To: Gamecock

oh I am a dummy. Just realized this is tongue in cheek


5 posted on 10/31/2011 6:50:59 PM PDT by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: Gamecock

This is a joke, right? This guy is a pastor and he has never read the Gospels??


6 posted on 10/31/2011 6:51:13 PM PDT by SatinDoll (NO FOREIGN NATIONALS AS U.S.A. PRESIDENT)
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To: Gamecock

I didn’t realize it was April Fool’s Day. I thought it was All Hallows Eve.


7 posted on 10/31/2011 6:53:51 PM PDT by Past Your Eyes (I'm sticking with Herman. No more second terms!)
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To: yldstrk

“”oh I am a dummy. Just realized this is tongue in cheek””

I don’t find it at all difficult to believe he really feels this way. Listening to him only once tells you exactly where he comes from! And it’s not from a great love of the Scriptures!


8 posted on 10/31/2011 6:54:06 PM PDT by Thank You Rush
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To: Gamecock

Ha ha.

Please don’t post jokes like this with “fact-ish” headlines.

That being said, I don’t look to Osteen for insight at all.


9 posted on 10/31/2011 6:54:28 PM PDT by ROTB (Christian sin breeds enemies for the USA. If you're a Christian, stop sinning, and spread the Word..)
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To: Pan_Yans Wife

For your reading enjoyment.


10 posted on 10/31/2011 6:55:20 PM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Gamecock
This is the same Prosperity Preacher who said that Mormonism is NOT a cult.

If he's done any study of Christianity, and says something like that, then he's TOTALLY MISGUIDED and owes his "congregation" a huge apology for his false preaching.

I'm sure he's got a lot of overhead to take care of, and if his congregation starts to thin out, he and his beautiful wife will be broke.

Joel is maybe one step above the graft of Dr. Michael Murdock with Murdock's constant haranguing about money and how God will give to us as soon as we give to him (meaning Mike . . . not God).

I'm still waiting for Joel to tee off on the murderous abortion industry . . . It won't happen . . . he's too busy smiling.

11 posted on 10/31/2011 6:55:26 PM PDT by laweeks
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To: Gamecock

12 posted on 10/31/2011 6:56:06 PM PDT by re_nortex (DP...that's what I like about Texas.)
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To: Thank You Rush

Oh definitely, I don’t think he is a Bible preacher. He is a feel good preacher.


13 posted on 10/31/2011 6:56:32 PM PDT by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: Gamecock
Joel Osteen...CHRISTIANITY LITE!!
14 posted on 10/31/2011 6:56:42 PM PDT by az.b1bbomberfxr
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To: Gamecock

Satire I presume? I’m not a big fan of Osteen or any of the big money televangelists (though I have a soft spot for Swaggart when he gets into that chicken-walk) but I have to assume that he really did get a degree in divinity from somewhere... And I would think that the entire New Testament is somewhere in the curriculum.


15 posted on 10/31/2011 6:57:48 PM PDT by Ramius (personally, I give us... one chance in three. More tea?)
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To: yldstrk

Yes but Joel is a pos as far as I am concerned, he will not say that abortion or homosexuality is a sin, only when pushed will he say it`s not God`s best.

I have zero use for any of these new wave phony`s like Joel and Rick Warren. They are both total loser A HOLES, will not stand up for what is Biblically right and wrong.

Franklin Graham, there`s a Man of God!!


16 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:00 PM PDT by Friendofgeorge (SARAH PALIN 2012 OR FLIPPIN BUST)
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To: Gamecock

He should go into soap operas.


17 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:45 PM PDT by AdamBomb
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To: laweeks
Dr. Michael Murdock

He's the 21st Century Robert Tilton.

18 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:50 PM PDT by re_nortex (DP...that's what I like about Texas.)
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To: yldstrk
oh I am a dummy. Just realized this is tongue in cheek.

You know, it's supposed to be satire. But, in this case, it's so close to the truth that it almost fails as satire.

19 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:54 PM PDT by Brandybux (Oportet ministros manus lavare antequam latrinam relinquent.)
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To: Gamecock
LOL!

Joel 3:16: "For the world so loved God, that they purchased treasures here and thanked God for them."

20 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:56 PM PDT by smvoice (The Cross was NOT God's Plan B.)
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