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Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the First Time
The Talking Mirror ^ | 3 September 2009

Posted on 10/31/2011 6:47:53 PM PDT by Gamecock


He didn't know Jesus was such a stickler.

Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood “Church” in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: I’m Joel Osteen. “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?” Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. “I tell you what, I don’t get it. Where’s the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I don’t know. You get my point.” Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to “invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds” or how “being a good steward means being successful in the stock market.” The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastor’s back. “And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You can’t be serious.”

The experience has completely derailed work on Osteen’s next book Your Bestest Life Now. “What am I supposed to tell people? When God came to Earth, He was poor? Come on. No one is going to buy that,” Osteen said as he dismissively sipped on a Perrier. “If people are going to do this whole ‘Christian’ thing, there’s gotta be something in it for them. And what’s the Gospel offering them? Spiritual wealth? Treasures in Heaven? What does that even mean?” Osteen is also unsure of how to incorporate Jesus’ words regarding the ease with which the wealthy enter heaven: “A camel through the head of a needle? Give me a break. That’d take a miracle.”

In order to avoid any confusion between his writings and the “poverty” of the Gospels, Osteen has decided to have bookstores categorize his books as Christianish rather than just Christian. “See that? See what we did there? We’ve got Christian in there because that’s P.C., but we threw the ‘ish’ on the end so that people know it’s not so Christian that it’s not about money. We dodged a big one here, we really did,” said Osteen.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: gospels; joelosteen; lakewood; osteen; satire
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To: Gamecock
They’re super long....


21 posted on 10/31/2011 7:00:33 PM PDT by mnehring
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To: SatinDoll

It’s a joke.


22 posted on 10/31/2011 7:03:09 PM PDT by Lee N. Field ("Can a leopard change his spots, or a dispensationalist his faulty hermeneutic?")
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To: Ramius

>> “but I have to assume that he really did get a degree in divinity from somewhere” <<

.
Don’t think so. He has a degree in TV production, so he’s qualified to be Oprah’s producer...


23 posted on 10/31/2011 7:03:15 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Gamecock

Ever since Obama took office, I’ve been advocating the use of the satire tag in posts - that was when reality became hard to tell apart from satire without an explicit tag.


24 posted on 10/31/2011 7:03:39 PM PDT by ransomnote
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To: Ramius

I don’t think he does have a divinity degree, or any other. He just watched his dad (John Osteen) preach for years, and was able to carry it off once is dad died about 10 years ago.

BTW, I remember his dad including many more Scriptures in his sermons than does Joel. Joel seems to include only one Scripture in his sermons, and goes on and on with life stories about that. His dad, from what I remember, included many.


25 posted on 10/31/2011 7:05:40 PM PDT by Joann37
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To: editor-surveyor; Ramius

Wikipedia:

It has been widely reported that Osteen attended Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, for a two year period without receiving a degree. Likewise, it has been reported that he has no higher level training in religious matters or Bible studies. In an appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight in January, 2011, Osteen mentioned that he had never attended seminary.


26 posted on 10/31/2011 7:07:28 PM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Ramius

Is Swaggart even still around?


27 posted on 10/31/2011 7:07:36 PM PDT by fwdude ("When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve ...")
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To: yldstrk

>> “Just realized this is tongue in cheek” <<

.
You wish!


28 posted on 10/31/2011 7:09:23 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Past Your Eyes

Its always April fools day at Osteen’s “church.”


29 posted on 10/31/2011 7:10:40 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Gamecock

If you think of Osteen as a motivational speaker only, and not an actual preacher... he’s actually pretty good.


30 posted on 10/31/2011 7:11:57 PM PDT by abishai
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To: Gamecock
“Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?”

You almost had me fooled, Gamecock! That was hilarious!

31 posted on 10/31/2011 7:16:29 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: Alex Murphy

Get educated!


32 posted on 10/31/2011 7:18:02 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Alex Murphy
You almost had me fooled, Gamecock!

There is no higher praise from you Alex!

33 posted on 10/31/2011 7:20:16 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: re_nortex

Whatever happened to ol’ Robert, anyway? LOL!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/255/


34 posted on 10/31/2011 7:27:16 PM PDT by RushIsMyTeddyBear (A MUST WATCH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KeOLurcQaqI)
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To: Gamecock

That his wife???

Otta keep him out of seedy motel rooms. But then absolute power corrupts absolutely.


35 posted on 10/31/2011 7:27:26 PM PDT by bigheadfred (wogga wogga)
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To: RushIsMyTeddyBear

http://www.roberttiltonlive.com/home.html


36 posted on 10/31/2011 7:31:48 PM PDT by re_nortex (DP...that's what I like about Texas.)
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To: Gamecock
I can't believe there are people on Free Republic here who claim to be Christians, but don't see through this "Prosperity Gospel" huckster.

When they post "devotional" threads by this con man, I want to throw up.

37 posted on 10/31/2011 7:34:09 PM PDT by SkyPilot
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To: bigheadfred; Alex Murphy
We haven't heard a lot about Vicky round here lately...
38 posted on 10/31/2011 7:37:38 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: Gamecock
We haven't heard a lot about Vicky round here lately...

VICTORIA OSTEEN: FLIGHT RISK
Pastor's (Joel Osteen's)wife involved in flight disturbance
Wife of Joel Osteen Asked to Leave Plane (posted 12/20/2005)
Osteen family leaves plane after dispute (pastor's wife didn't follow a fa's instructions)
Wife of Joel Osteen Asked to Leave Plane
Motion filed in suit against Osteen's wife
Lawyer asks judge to reveal Osteens' wealth
Victoria Osteen: Mother First, Pastor Second
Osteen's Wife on Trial for Temper Tantrum
Trial to Begin in Suit Against Prominent Pastor's Wife
Victoria Osteen defended as "excitable and expressive"
Pastor's Wife Embroiled in Civil Trial Addresses Lakewood Church Members [Vicky Osteen Watch]

39 posted on 10/31/2011 7:40:44 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: Gamecock
Joel was born in the church and may have a rude awaking when the sheep and goats are separated.
40 posted on 10/31/2011 8:21:38 PM PDT by guitarplayer1953 (Rebellion to Tyrants is Obedience to GOD! Thomas Jefferson)
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