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Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the First Time
The Talking Mirror ^ | 3 September 2009

Posted on 10/31/2011 6:47:53 PM PDT by Gamecock


He didn't know Jesus was such a stickler.

Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood “Church” in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: I’m Joel Osteen. “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?” Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. “I tell you what, I don’t get it. Where’s the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I don’t know. You get my point.” Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to “invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds” or how “being a good steward means being successful in the stock market.” The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastor’s back. “And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You can’t be serious.”

The experience has completely derailed work on Osteen’s next book Your Bestest Life Now. “What am I supposed to tell people? When God came to Earth, He was poor? Come on. No one is going to buy that,” Osteen said as he dismissively sipped on a Perrier. “If people are going to do this whole ‘Christian’ thing, there’s gotta be something in it for them. And what’s the Gospel offering them? Spiritual wealth? Treasures in Heaven? What does that even mean?” Osteen is also unsure of how to incorporate Jesus’ words regarding the ease with which the wealthy enter heaven: “A camel through the head of a needle? Give me a break. That’d take a miracle.”

In order to avoid any confusion between his writings and the “poverty” of the Gospels, Osteen has decided to have bookstores categorize his books as Christianish rather than just Christian. “See that? See what we did there? We’ve got Christian in there because that’s P.C., but we threw the ‘ish’ on the end so that people know it’s not so Christian that it’s not about money. We dodged a big one here, we really did,” said Osteen.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: gospels; joelosteen; lakewood; osteen; satire

1 posted on 10/31/2011 6:47:56 PM PDT by Gamecock
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To: Alex Murphy

PinG


2 posted on 10/31/2011 6:48:37 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: Gamecock

pathetic


3 posted on 10/31/2011 6:49:51 PM PDT by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: Gamecock

LOL


4 posted on 10/31/2011 6:50:56 PM PDT by RnMomof7
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To: Gamecock

oh I am a dummy. Just realized this is tongue in cheek


5 posted on 10/31/2011 6:50:59 PM PDT by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: Gamecock

This is a joke, right? This guy is a pastor and he has never read the Gospels??


6 posted on 10/31/2011 6:51:13 PM PDT by SatinDoll (NO FOREIGN NATIONALS AS U.S.A. PRESIDENT)
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To: Gamecock

I didn’t realize it was April Fool’s Day. I thought it was All Hallows Eve.


7 posted on 10/31/2011 6:53:51 PM PDT by Past Your Eyes (I'm sticking with Herman. No more second terms!)
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To: yldstrk

“”oh I am a dummy. Just realized this is tongue in cheek””

I don’t find it at all difficult to believe he really feels this way. Listening to him only once tells you exactly where he comes from! And it’s not from a great love of the Scriptures!


8 posted on 10/31/2011 6:54:06 PM PDT by Thank You Rush
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To: Gamecock

Ha ha.

Please don’t post jokes like this with “fact-ish” headlines.

That being said, I don’t look to Osteen for insight at all.


9 posted on 10/31/2011 6:54:28 PM PDT by ROTB (Christian sin breeds enemies for the USA. If you're a Christian, stop sinning, and spread the Word..)
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To: Pan_Yans Wife

For your reading enjoyment.


10 posted on 10/31/2011 6:55:20 PM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Gamecock
This is the same Prosperity Preacher who said that Mormonism is NOT a cult.

If he's done any study of Christianity, and says something like that, then he's TOTALLY MISGUIDED and owes his "congregation" a huge apology for his false preaching.

I'm sure he's got a lot of overhead to take care of, and if his congregation starts to thin out, he and his beautiful wife will be broke.

Joel is maybe one step above the graft of Dr. Michael Murdock with Murdock's constant haranguing about money and how God will give to us as soon as we give to him (meaning Mike . . . not God).

I'm still waiting for Joel to tee off on the murderous abortion industry . . . It won't happen . . . he's too busy smiling.

11 posted on 10/31/2011 6:55:26 PM PDT by laweeks
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To: Gamecock

12 posted on 10/31/2011 6:56:06 PM PDT by re_nortex (DP...that's what I like about Texas.)
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To: Thank You Rush

Oh definitely, I don’t think he is a Bible preacher. He is a feel good preacher.


13 posted on 10/31/2011 6:56:32 PM PDT by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: Gamecock
Joel Osteen...CHRISTIANITY LITE!!
14 posted on 10/31/2011 6:56:42 PM PDT by az.b1bbomberfxr
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To: Gamecock

Satire I presume? I’m not a big fan of Osteen or any of the big money televangelists (though I have a soft spot for Swaggart when he gets into that chicken-walk) but I have to assume that he really did get a degree in divinity from somewhere... And I would think that the entire New Testament is somewhere in the curriculum.


15 posted on 10/31/2011 6:57:48 PM PDT by Ramius (personally, I give us... one chance in three. More tea?)
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To: yldstrk

Yes but Joel is a pos as far as I am concerned, he will not say that abortion or homosexuality is a sin, only when pushed will he say it`s not God`s best.

I have zero use for any of these new wave phony`s like Joel and Rick Warren. They are both total loser A HOLES, will not stand up for what is Biblically right and wrong.

Franklin Graham, there`s a Man of God!!


16 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:00 PM PDT by Friendofgeorge (SARAH PALIN 2012 OR FLIPPIN BUST)
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To: Gamecock

He should go into soap operas.


17 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:45 PM PDT by AdamBomb
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To: laweeks
Dr. Michael Murdock

He's the 21st Century Robert Tilton.

18 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:50 PM PDT by re_nortex (DP...that's what I like about Texas.)
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To: yldstrk
oh I am a dummy. Just realized this is tongue in cheek.

You know, it's supposed to be satire. But, in this case, it's so close to the truth that it almost fails as satire.

19 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:54 PM PDT by Brandybux (Oportet ministros manus lavare antequam latrinam relinquent.)
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To: Gamecock
LOL!

Joel 3:16: "For the world so loved God, that they purchased treasures here and thanked God for them."

20 posted on 10/31/2011 6:58:56 PM PDT by smvoice (The Cross was NOT God's Plan B.)
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To: Gamecock
They’re super long....


21 posted on 10/31/2011 7:00:33 PM PDT by mnehring
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To: SatinDoll

It’s a joke.


22 posted on 10/31/2011 7:03:09 PM PDT by Lee N. Field ("Can a leopard change his spots, or a dispensationalist his faulty hermeneutic?")
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To: Ramius

>> “but I have to assume that he really did get a degree in divinity from somewhere” <<

.
Don’t think so. He has a degree in TV production, so he’s qualified to be Oprah’s producer...


23 posted on 10/31/2011 7:03:15 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Gamecock

Ever since Obama took office, I’ve been advocating the use of the satire tag in posts - that was when reality became hard to tell apart from satire without an explicit tag.


24 posted on 10/31/2011 7:03:39 PM PDT by ransomnote
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To: Ramius

I don’t think he does have a divinity degree, or any other. He just watched his dad (John Osteen) preach for years, and was able to carry it off once is dad died about 10 years ago.

BTW, I remember his dad including many more Scriptures in his sermons than does Joel. Joel seems to include only one Scripture in his sermons, and goes on and on with life stories about that. His dad, from what I remember, included many.


25 posted on 10/31/2011 7:05:40 PM PDT by Joann37
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To: editor-surveyor; Ramius

Wikipedia:

It has been widely reported that Osteen attended Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, for a two year period without receiving a degree. Likewise, it has been reported that he has no higher level training in religious matters or Bible studies. In an appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight in January, 2011, Osteen mentioned that he had never attended seminary.


26 posted on 10/31/2011 7:07:28 PM PDT by Pan_Yan
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To: Ramius

Is Swaggart even still around?


27 posted on 10/31/2011 7:07:36 PM PDT by fwdude ("When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve ...")
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To: yldstrk

>> “Just realized this is tongue in cheek” <<

.
You wish!


28 posted on 10/31/2011 7:09:23 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Past Your Eyes

Its always April fools day at Osteen’s “church.”


29 posted on 10/31/2011 7:10:40 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Gamecock

If you think of Osteen as a motivational speaker only, and not an actual preacher... he’s actually pretty good.


30 posted on 10/31/2011 7:11:57 PM PDT by abishai
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To: Gamecock
“Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?”

You almost had me fooled, Gamecock! That was hilarious!

31 posted on 10/31/2011 7:16:29 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: Alex Murphy

Get educated!


32 posted on 10/31/2011 7:18:02 PM PDT by editor-surveyor (No Federal Sales Tax - No Way!)
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To: Alex Murphy
You almost had me fooled, Gamecock!

There is no higher praise from you Alex!

33 posted on 10/31/2011 7:20:16 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: re_nortex

Whatever happened to ol’ Robert, anyway? LOL!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/255/


34 posted on 10/31/2011 7:27:16 PM PDT by RushIsMyTeddyBear (A MUST WATCH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KeOLurcQaqI)
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To: Gamecock

That his wife???

Otta keep him out of seedy motel rooms. But then absolute power corrupts absolutely.


35 posted on 10/31/2011 7:27:26 PM PDT by bigheadfred (wogga wogga)
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To: RushIsMyTeddyBear

http://www.roberttiltonlive.com/home.html


36 posted on 10/31/2011 7:31:48 PM PDT by re_nortex (DP...that's what I like about Texas.)
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To: Gamecock
I can't believe there are people on Free Republic here who claim to be Christians, but don't see through this "Prosperity Gospel" huckster.

When they post "devotional" threads by this con man, I want to throw up.

37 posted on 10/31/2011 7:34:09 PM PDT by SkyPilot
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To: bigheadfred; Alex Murphy
We haven't heard a lot about Vicky round here lately...
38 posted on 10/31/2011 7:37:38 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: Gamecock
We haven't heard a lot about Vicky round here lately...

VICTORIA OSTEEN: FLIGHT RISK
Pastor's (Joel Osteen's)wife involved in flight disturbance
Wife of Joel Osteen Asked to Leave Plane (posted 12/20/2005)
Osteen family leaves plane after dispute (pastor's wife didn't follow a fa's instructions)
Wife of Joel Osteen Asked to Leave Plane
Motion filed in suit against Osteen's wife
Lawyer asks judge to reveal Osteens' wealth
Victoria Osteen: Mother First, Pastor Second
Osteen's Wife on Trial for Temper Tantrum
Trial to Begin in Suit Against Prominent Pastor's Wife
Victoria Osteen defended as "excitable and expressive"
Pastor's Wife Embroiled in Civil Trial Addresses Lakewood Church Members [Vicky Osteen Watch]

39 posted on 10/31/2011 7:40:44 PM PDT by Alex Murphy (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/2703506/posts?page=518#518)
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To: Gamecock
Joel was born in the church and may have a rude awaking when the sheep and goats are separated.
40 posted on 10/31/2011 8:21:38 PM PDT by guitarplayer1953 (Rebellion to Tyrants is Obedience to GOD! Thomas Jefferson)
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To: Thank You Rush

But the ruse pays well.


41 posted on 10/31/2011 8:48:12 PM PDT by 353FMG (Liberalism is Satan's handiwork.)
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To: abishai
If you think of Osteen as a motivational speaker only, and not an actual preacher... he’s actually pretty good.

You've nailed it!

42 posted on 10/31/2011 9:15:17 PM PDT by Last Dakotan
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To: Gamecock

dude’s a snake oil saleman from the first git-go.

How ANYBODY cannot see through this feel good new age fraud is totally beyond me.

Its all the religion with none of the guilt.


43 posted on 10/31/2011 9:32:04 PM PDT by Hammerhead
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To: Past Your Eyes

April Fool’s Day... Reformation Day... same thing...


44 posted on 10/31/2011 9:33:52 PM PDT by dangus
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To: Ramius
"Satire I presume?"

If you can't tell, then maybe it ain't.

45 posted on 11/01/2011 6:28:54 AM PDT by Past Your Eyes (I'm sticking with Herman. No more second terms!)
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To: Gamecock

*** “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels....”***

Toughed it? Comeon! Even the KJV is an easy read for this! Want it tough? Try Wycliff’s or the KJV in OLD ENGLISH lettering. Or the Geneva bible.

After a few pages it also becomes an easy read.


46 posted on 11/01/2011 7:50:50 AM PDT by Ruy Dias de Bivar (Click my name. See my home page, if you dare!)
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To: Gamecock

You know it is getting bad when you have to study an article for a while to determine whether it is really a satire.


47 posted on 11/01/2011 12:43:10 PM PDT by TexasRepublic (Socialism is the gospel of envy and the religion of thieves)
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To: Gamecock
Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], ...

Since he is the Creator, he technically owns everything.

(I know this is parody.)

Does the world hate Joel Osteen? Or does it love him?

48 posted on 11/01/2011 2:33:17 PM PDT by nonsporting
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To: nonsporting
Does the world hate Joel Osteen? Or does it love him?

Why should the world hate him? He doesn't preach sin. He doesn't preach the exclusivity of Christ. Heck, he has gone so far as to say there are other ways to God! Granted he backtracked after solid Bible believers howled in protest....

49 posted on 11/01/2011 2:57:37 PM PDT by Gamecock (I’m so thankful for [the] active obedience of Christ. No hope without it. JGM)
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To: Gamecock
Why should the world hate him? He doesn't preach sin. He doesn't preach the exclusivity of Christ. Heck, he has gone so far as to say there are other ways to God!

I didn't think the world hated him (given his position on many Bible doctrines you enumerate). I wasn't sure just how much he was loved by the world, like Billy [Balaam] Graham is.

If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. (John 15:19,30b)

50 posted on 11/01/2011 4:09:33 PM PDT by nonsporting
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