Posted on 11/02/2011 10:00:50 PM PDT by delacoert
Last month, evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.
Dallas megachurch preacher Robert Jeffresswas on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans — and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.
If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.
The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watchSupernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain.
But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies ofJesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores.
So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:
Why do Mormons worship Satan?
They don't, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It's just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth.
Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.
Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn't what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet.
As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization.
So you're saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?
No. Schizophrenia hadn't been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision.
Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That's when Smith discovered a second superpower — the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren't regarded for their penmanship.
He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a "tour de force of ecclesiastical drama."
He had the audacity to rewrite God's words?
Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress.
Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he'd pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.
What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?
Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the "Krakow of the Rust Belt," its restaurants known for serving the finest gruel on the western frontier.
With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet still grasping the subtleties of his all-seeing powers. He failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn't justly rewarded for blowing everyone's money, as bankers so rightfully are today.
In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.
Is that where he went perv?
Yes. Smith realized that a religion known for bank failure and an inability to find buried treasure lacked market potential. Fortunately, God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased.
The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed.
Bonus round: Smith's money problems were also solved when God told him about the Law of Tithing, which ordered Mormons to give 10 percent of their income to Joseph Smith, thus saving him the hassle of wrecking another bank.
But like Rev. Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Polygamy was not only heresy, but the Mormons were hogging all the chicks.
So the Christians naturally asked themselves, "What Would Jesus Do?" Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their ass to Illinois. The Mormons tried torching Christian houses in response, but showed an inferior gift for arson.
So you don't want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?
No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago.
Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim's Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.\
Plus, they believed in magic underwear, which contained super-celestial powers that allowed them to become kings or queens in Heaven.
Sadly, this was a darker time in America, when people were less tolerant of underwear fetishists than they are today. Smith was arrested for being a degenerate. And when the Christians once again asked, "What Would Jesus Do?" Jesus mentioned that it might be good to storm the jail and kill Smith's ass. So they did.Did he get 72 virgins for being a martyr?
No, but a very nice bunt cake was served at his Going Away to Heaven Party.
The problem was that God had forgotten to appoint Smith's successor. So his followers became prophets of their own. Their revelations told them to excommunicate, poison, and assassinate their rivals. Some encountered an even more tragic fate: They were forced to move to Pittsburgh.
In the end, Brigham Young arranged for the church to be run by 12 disciples — with him being the most disciplistic of all.
But isn't Brigham Young a football team?
No. It's actually a college that saw fleeting fame after discovering that Samoans were good at football. Then the Samoans realized that Mormons don't drink, which meant that dorm parties were totally lame. They all transferred to USC.
So how did that whole Occupy Utahthing come about?
We're getting to that. Young and his henchmen decided to move to a place so shitty no one else would go there. That would be Utah. Mormons migrated en masse, hoping to let their freak flag fly without anyone setting them on fire.
But prospectors heading for the California Gold Rush reported that they were creating their own polygamous kingdom, which was seen as treasonous. Eastern Christians bagged onPresident James Buchanan for letting wild sex orgies to take place, since they hadn't been invited. So Buchanan dispatched the army to see what was up with that.
Is that when the Mormons went terrorist?
Yes. By 1857, they'd grown tired of the Old Burn Down Our House & Drive us Out of Town Gag. So they took the offensive, torching army forts and setting fires to keep Buchanan's troops from reaching Utah.
They also indiscriminately robbed and murdered settlers. At one point, they killed 120 unarmed men, women and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre. For reasons unknown, this is no longer taught in Sunday schools.
Yet Buchanan was in no mood to start a war in Utah. The feds were soon to battle the South, and there were tons of Indians that still required slaughtering. Thus was born a strategy of armed engagement that still lives today: It always sucks to have more than two wars going at once. The feds and the Mormons reached a truce.
So Buchanan just let terrorists hold wild sex orgies?
Yes, except for the wild part. Think of a porn film starring ZZ Top and Ukrainian babushka ladies. It wasn't that interesting.
So when did they stop going perv?
In 1890. Still worried that the feds might attack, God told them to lose the polygamy thing. They decided instead to become the most tight-assed people in America. You couldn't even get into church if you smoked cigs, pounded brewskies, or used caffeine.
They can't drink coffee?
No. That means if Mitt Romney becomes president, the government will only be open from noon to 5 p.m., and he'll be really crabby if Pakistan starts a nuclear war during Good Morning America.
But wouldn't our country suck if it was just like Utah?
Yes. Think of it as the white Saudi Arabia, only with better skiing. Have you ever tried buying a shot of whiskey in Salt Lake City? It's like fishing for lobster in a parking garage.
I heard Mormons don't like black people.
They didn't — past tense. Until 1978, Mormons wouldn't let blacks into Heaven. But this created problems. Young Mormons are required to do two years of unpaid missionary work. When they went door-to-door in Detroit, they encountered uncomfortably long silences, since they could only talk about the weather.
So church elders had a revelation to let black people in. They may have been 10 years behind southern Christians in their racial policies, yet they were totally pumped to beatSouth Africa and avoid finishing last in their division.
But aren't Mormons a bunch of damn socialists?
Yes and no. Joseph Smith prophesied of building a New Jerusalem in Jackson County. To make it happen, he urged followers to give up all their property for equal redistribution.
But his flock thought his commie revelation sucked, so he put the blueprints in storage.
Prominent modern Mormons — like Glenn Beck and Romney — have since had revelations of their own. They assert that what Smith was really trying to say is that Mormons should give all their money to very large corporations, whose excess divinity would eventually trickle down to everyone else.
Most Mormons today prefer the revised prophesy.
Sounds like the South Park episode...minus the dum dum dum dum dum..going on in the background.
Someone should print fliers to hand to these Occupy Wall Street people connecting ...........
- Obama to Wall Street. No political candidate has ever received more Wall Street money than Obama.
- corzine - democrats - Wall Street.
- several more examples ....
If enough of this is distributed in a non-confrontational way, it might just backfire on obamar and the democrats. These folks may not vote republican but they may find it more difficult to vote democrat.
Just a thought.
Must say I have never read a more accurate description of Mormon history, you got most of the highlights in LOL
Sick article. I would no more hate Mormons because of this “history” than I would hate Spaniards because of Monty Python’s skits about the Inquisition.
Hate them? No. Pray for them, yes.
It’s a satire that’s actually attacking people that hate Mormons.
I have a feeling you wouldn’t “get” Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” either.
Freepers should take some time to listen to this informative interview with Tricia Erickson about a book she wrote on Mormonism. This is very informative.
It is the October 27th interview and it begins at 5.45 on the recording.
http://www.trunews.com/listen_now.htm
Topic: Rick interviews Tricia Erickson, a former Mormon, who discusses the beliefs and rituals of the Mormon religion. Tricia also shares her thoughts on what she believes the election of Mitt Romney as President would mean to our nation.
Disagreeing with Mormon doctrine and theology is not the same as hating Mormon people. That’s the kind of tactics liberals use. If you disagree with them you “hate” liberals. I guess it’s because of the fact that liberals generally not only hate conservatism but conservatives also.
Just responding to the headline: Why would I hate mormons? I do however loath mormonISM.
Ahh, my dear svcw, did you forget that; according to the many who are incapable of comprehension, that any who dare to disagree with the Restored® church’s doctrine must also hate those who follow it? It only follows no?
It’s really sad that so many have willingly bought into political correctness, that it’s no longer permissible to disagree with someone or something. It must be bigotry, hatred, etc. That’s the only “logical” reason why someone would have a “disagreement”.
Alinsky Rules for radicals #13.
Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it. In conflict tactics there are certain rules that [should be regarded] as universalities. One is that the opposition must be singled out as the target and ‘frozen.’...
“...any target can always say, ‘Why do you center on me when there are others to blame as well?’ When your ‘freeze the target,’ you disregard these [rational but distracting] arguments.... Then, as you zero in and freeze your target and carry out your attack, all the ‘others’ come out of the woodwork very soon. They become visible by their support of the target...’
“One acts decisively only in the conviction that all the angels are on one side and all the devils on the other.”
IOW, get your opponent to defend themselves from false accusations, taking them off the topic at hand.
That was brilliant! I laughed ‘til I cried. Thanks for posting it. And no I was not offended. We can take a joke, us Mormons.
“It’s a satire that’s actually attacking people that hate Mormons.”
Exactly right. I loved it.
“Disagreeing with Mormon doctrine and theology is not the same as hating Mormon people.”
Hmmmm. The Rev Jeffress and his flock like to condemn Mormons to hell which I think is rather hateful. I wish I had a buck for every time I have been condemned to hell on this site. I’d be rich.
Meanwhile, Jesus Christ is my Savior, and I look to Him for my salvation and judgement. Amen.
It doesn’t sound to me like Jeffress wants Mormons to go to hell. Sounds to me more like he wants them to turn away from their false religion and to the true Jesus found in the Bible so that they will end up in heaven instead. It’s not loving to tell someone they’re about to drink milk when you know they’re about to drink poison instead.
Sandy you will go to hell with your eyes wide open if you wish.
No one can condemn you there, a soul goes with their eyes wide opened.
Who hates mormons?
“Who hates mormons?”
Anyone who has a disagreement with a Mormon about absolutely anything./sarc
It’s a very similar tactic to what contemporary liberals use:
Someone holds pro-life views on when human life begins, he “hates women!”
Someone disagrees with the Q’uran, he “hates Moslems!”
Someone believes marriage involves both a man and a woman, then he “hates gays!”
Someone believes Barack Hussein Obama’s policies are bad, then he “hates blacks!”
Someone believes Mormon doctrine is in error, then he “hates Mormons!”, etc.
“Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Council of the Twelve gave the following illustration to show how Christ’s atonement makes it possible to be saved from sin if we do our part. ‘Let me tell you a story.… There once was a man who.…incurred a great debt.…the day came, and the contract fell due. The debt had not been fully paid. His creditor appeared and demanded payment in full.… The debtor had a friend. He came to help.…He stepped between them, faced the creditor, and made this offer. ‘I will pay the debt if you will free the debtor from his contract so that he may keep his possessions and not go to prison.’…And so the creditor agreed. The mediator turned then to the debtor. ‘If I pay your debt, will you accept me as your creditor?’ ‘Oh yes, yes,’ cried the debtor. ‘You saved me from prison and show mercy to me.’ ‘Then,’ said the benefactor, ‘you will pay the debt to me and I will set the terms. It will not be easy, but it will be possible.” —Gospel Principles, 1992ed, pp. 75, 77
“There is one crucial test of repentance. This is abandonment of the sin….The saving power does not extend to him who merely wants to change his life.…Nor is repentance complete when one merely tries to abandon sin....To ‘try’ is weak. To ‘do the best I can’ is not strong. We must always do better than we can....” —The Miracle of Forgiveness, pp. 163-165
“And now, verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, will not lay any sin to your charge; go your ways and sin no more; but unto that soul who sinneth shall the former sins return, saith the Lord your God.” —Doctrine and Covenants, Section 82:7
Really now - How can the Jesusof Mormonism promise you forgiveness when he holds you accountable for every sin you repeatedly commit?
“This progress toward eternal life is a matter of achieving perfection. Living all the commandments guarantees total forgiveness of sins and assures one of exaltation through that perfection which comes by complying with the formula the Lord gave us. In his Sermon on the Mount he made the command to all men: ‘Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.’ (Matt. 5:48) Being perfect means to triumph over sin. This is a mandate from the Lord. He is just and wise and kind. He would never require anything from his children which was not for their benefit and which was not attainable. Perfection therefore is an achievable goal.”—The Miracle of Forgiveness, pp. 208-209
So really SD - where is your mormon Jesus in all of this huh? Mormon salvation depends upon the works of man - not the work of Christ.
Trusting in and following a fictitious Christ will result in a fictitious salvation, no matter how sincere we may be.
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