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Mormons: Whether We Should Hate Them or Not [A Shallow Yet Helpful Guide]
The Houston Press ^ | Nov 2 2011 | Pete Kotz

Posted on 11/02/2011 10:00:50 PM PDT by delacoert

Last month, evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.

Dallas megachurch preacher Robert Jeffresswas on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans — and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.

If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.

The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watchSupernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain.

But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies ofJesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores.

So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:

Why do Mormons worship Satan?

They don't, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It's just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth.

Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.

Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn't what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet.

As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization.

So you're saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?

No. Schizophrenia hadn't been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision.

Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That's when Smith discovered a second superpower — the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren't regarded for their penmanship.

He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a "tour de force of ecclesiastical drama."

He had the audacity to rewrite God's words?

Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress.

Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he'd pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.

What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?

Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the "Krakow of the Rust Belt," its restaurants known for serving the finest gruel on the western frontier.

With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet still grasping the subtleties of his all-seeing powers. He failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn't justly rewarded for blowing everyone's money, as bankers so rightfully are today.

In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.

Is that where he went perv?

Yes. Smith realized that a religion known for bank failure and an inability to find buried treasure lacked market potential. Fortunately, God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased.

The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed.

Bonus round: Smith's money problems were also solved when God told him about the Law of Tithing, which ordered Mormons to give 10 percent of their income to Joseph Smith, thus saving him the hassle of wrecking another bank.

But like Rev. Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Polygamy was not only heresy, but the Mormons were hogging all the chicks.

So the Christians naturally asked themselves, "What Would Jesus Do?" Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their ass to Illinois. The Mormons tried torching Christian houses in response, but showed an inferior gift for arson.

So you don't want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?

No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago.

Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim's Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.\

Plus, they believed in magic underwear, which contained super-celestial powers that allowed them to become kings or queens in Heaven.

Sadly, this was a darker time in America, when people were less tolerant of underwear fetishists than they are today. Smith was arrested for being a degenerate. And when the Christians once again asked, "What Would Jesus Do?" Jesus mentioned that it might be good to storm the jail and kill Smith's ass. So they did.Did he get 72 virgins for being a martyr?

No, but a very nice bunt cake was served at his Going Away to Heaven Party.

The problem was that God had forgotten to appoint Smith's successor. So his followers became prophets of their own. Their revelations told them to excommunicate, poison, and assassinate their rivals. Some encountered an even more tragic fate: They were forced to move to Pittsburgh.

In the end, Brigham Young arranged for the church to be run by 12 disciples — with him being the most disciplistic of all.

But isn't Brigham Young a football team?

No. It's actually a college that saw fleeting fame after discovering that Samoans were good at football. Then the Samoans realized that Mormons don't drink, which meant that dorm parties were totally lame. They all transferred to USC.

So how did that whole Occupy Utahthing come about?

We're getting to that. Young and his henchmen decided to move to a place so shitty no one else would go there. That would be Utah. Mormons migrated en masse, hoping to let their freak flag fly without anyone setting them on fire.

But prospectors heading for the California Gold Rush reported that they were creating their own polygamous kingdom, which was seen as treasonous. Eastern Christians bagged onPresident James Buchanan for letting wild sex orgies to take place, since they hadn't been invited. So Buchanan dispatched the army to see what was up with that.

Is that when the Mormons went terrorist?

Yes. By 1857, they'd grown tired of the Old Burn Down Our House & Drive us Out of Town Gag. So they took the offensive, torching army forts and setting fires to keep Buchanan's troops from reaching Utah.

They also indiscriminately robbed and murdered settlers. At one point, they killed 120 unarmed men, women and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre. For reasons unknown, this is no longer taught in Sunday schools.

Yet Buchanan was in no mood to start a war in Utah. The feds were soon to battle the South, and there were tons of Indians that still required slaughtering. Thus was born a strategy of armed engagement that still lives today: It always sucks to have more than two wars going at once. The feds and the Mormons reached a truce.

So Buchanan just let terrorists hold wild sex orgies?

Yes, except for the wild part. Think of a porn film starring ZZ Top and Ukrainian babushka ladies. It wasn't that interesting.

So when did they stop going perv?

In 1890. Still worried that the feds might attack, God told them to lose the polygamy thing. They decided instead to become the most tight-assed people in America. You couldn't even get into church if you smoked cigs, pounded brewskies, or used caffeine.

They can't drink coffee?

No. That means if Mitt Romney becomes president, the government will only be open from noon to 5 p.m., and he'll be really crabby if Pakistan starts a nuclear war during Good Morning America.

But wouldn't our country suck if it was just like Utah?

Yes. Think of it as the white Saudi Arabia, only with better skiing. Have you ever tried buying a shot of whiskey in Salt Lake City? It's like fishing for lobster in a parking garage.

I heard Mormons don't like black people.

They didn't — past tense. Until 1978, Mormons wouldn't let blacks into Heaven. But this created problems. Young Mormons are required to do two years of unpaid missionary work. When they went door-to-door in Detroit, they encountered uncomfortably long silences, since they could only talk about the weather.

So church elders had a revelation to let black people in. They may have been 10 years behind southern Christians in their racial policies, yet they were totally pumped to beatSouth Africa and avoid finishing last in their division.

But aren't Mormons a bunch of damn socialists?

Yes and no. Joseph Smith prophesied of building a New Jerusalem in Jackson County. To make it happen, he urged followers to give up all their property for equal redistribution.

But his flock thought his commie revelation sucked, so he put the blueprints in storage.

Prominent modern Mormons — like Glenn Beck and Romney — have since had revelations of their own. They assert that what Smith was really trying to say is that Mormons should give all their money to very large corporations, whose excess divinity would eventually trickle down to everyone else.

Most Mormons today prefer the revised prophesy.

TOPICS: Humor; Religion & Politics
KEYWORDS: cult; inman; mormon; mormonism; mormons; satire
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To: ReformationFan

In days gone by, a lot of people hated Catholics - some still do. Hatred of Jews is well documented and exists today. Mormons have been the target of haters since the early 1800’s. I think it’s a spiritual battle. Since Jesus Christ told us to love one another, I am perplexed by so many so-called Christians who are practically up in arms over members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. P.S. Jesus Christ is my Savior and Advocate with the Father and the Holy Ghost is my Witness.

21 posted on 11/04/2011 8:29:47 AM PDT by Saundra Duffy ( For victory & freedom!!!)
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To: Saundra Duffy; ReformationFan
Since Jesus Christ told us to love one another, I am perplexed by so many so-called Christians who are practically up in arms over members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

SD doesn't know her lds history RF -

"...all the priests who adhere to the sectarian religions of the day with all their followers, without one exception, receive their portion with the devil and his angels." - Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. , The Elders Journal, v. 1, no. 4, p. 60

"With a regard to true theology, a more ignorant people never lived than the present so-called Christian world." - Prophet Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, v. 8, p. 199

"Christians—those poor, miserable priests brother Brigham was speaking about—some of them are the biggest whoremasters there are on the earth, and at the same time preaching righteousness to the children of men. The poor devils, they could not get up here and preach an oral discourse, to save themselves from hell; they are preaching their fathers' sermons —preaching sermons that were written a hundred years before they were born. ...You may get a Methodist priest to pour water on you, or sprinkle it on you, and baptize you face foremost, or lay you down the other way, and whatever mode you please, and you will be damned with your priest. - Apostle Heber C. Kimball, Journal of Discourses, v. 5, p. 89

"What! Are Christians ignorant? Yes, as ignorant of the things of God as the brute beast." - Prophet John Taylor, Journal of Discourses, v. 13, p. 225

"After the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was organized, there were only two churches upon the earth. They were known respectively as the Church of the Lamb of God and Babylon. The various organizations which are called churches throughout Christendom, though differing in their creeds and organizations, have one common origin. They all belong to Babylon." - Apostle George Q. Cannon, Gospel Truth, p. 324

“... all the millions of apostate Christendom have abased themselves before the mythical throne of a mythical Christ.... in large part the worship of apostate Christendom is performed in ignorance, as much so as was the worship of the Athenians who bowed the Unknown Gods.” - Apostle Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, pp. 269, 374-375

"This is not just another Church. This is not just one of a family of Christian churches. This is the Church and kingdom of God, the only true Church upon the face of the earth..." - Prophet Ezra Taft Benson, Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, p. 164-165

“Remember: when you see the bitter apostate, you do not see only an absence of light, you see also the presence of darkness. Do not spread disease germs.” - Apostle Boyd K. Packer, “The Mantle is Far, Far Greater Than the Intellect,” speech given August 1981 at BYU, Brigham Young University Studies, Summer 1981;

Yep, Christianity has felt the 'love' of mormonism throughout its existance.

22 posted on 11/04/2011 8:42:49 AM PDT by Godzilla (3/7/77)
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To: ReformationFan
“Who hates mormons?”

Anyone who has a disagreement with a Mormon about absolutely anything./sarc

Mormon leaders and members alike have been playing the "persecution" card since Joseph Smith first invented the sect. It works well with folks who are ignorant of the real history and doctrines of mormonism and those who are taken in by the false faces presented to the world by its members who are NOT "the nicest people".

23 posted on 11/04/2011 9:53:32 AM PDT by greyfoxx39 (If other churches were dead dunking mormons to save them mormons would be furious.)
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To: svcw

“Sandy you will go to hell with your eyes wide open if you wish.”

Good grief! What a perfectly horrible thing to say!

Thank God Almighty you are not my judge! Whew!

24 posted on 11/04/2011 3:03:36 PM PDT by Saundra Duffy ( For victory & freedom!!!)
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To: ReformationFan

Why does every article and thread have to turn into a bash Mormons dog pile?

This article is hilarious! It is funny but some people just can’t help themselves from jumping on every opportunity to bash away. It is very sad to me.

25 posted on 11/04/2011 3:08:18 PM PDT by Saundra Duffy ( For victory & freedom!!!)
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To: greyfoxx39

‘Mormon leaders and members alike have been playing the “persecution” card since Joseph Smith first invented the sect.’

I think the following quote is a perfect example of that:

“Why does every article and thread have to turn into a bash Mormons dog pile?”

Notice how it says “bash Mormons” rather than “bash Mormonism”. A subtle but distinct difference.

26 posted on 11/04/2011 3:38:01 PM PDT by ReformationFan
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To: Saundra Duffy
For some reason you appear to not beable to understand what I wrote.

This is what I wrote: Sandy you will go to hell with your eyes wide open if you wish. No one can condemn you there, a soul goes with their eyes wide opened.

In short, people go to hell because it is a chose they make. No one condemns them, they condemn themselves. God wants none to parish, NONE. He has given us a clear picture of how to spend eternity with Him, in His Glory.

Sandy, as someone who claims they were once involved in Christian churches, you should know this.

In my post I did not judge you, only God can judge your heart. You are free to chose His path or not.

27 posted on 11/04/2011 3:40:13 PM PDT by svcw
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To: Saundra Duffy

Please show one post that bashes mormons.

28 posted on 11/04/2011 3:41:39 PM PDT by svcw
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To: Saundra Duffy

Then why is mormonISM so anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, anti-Catholic. psst - ever since its very foundation.

29 posted on 11/04/2011 3:44:27 PM PDT by svcw
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To: ReformationFan
“Why does every article and thread have to turn into a bash Mormons dog pile?”

I have a problem with the EVERY article and thread....just imagine the total number of threads every day on FR...that's just a sign of the mormon belief that it is "special"...

What I'd like to see is a comment on the 52,000 mormon missionaries out there every day "bashing" Christianity with lies about being the "only true church".

30 posted on 11/04/2011 5:07:43 PM PDT by greyfoxx39 (If other churches were dead dunking mormons to save them mormons would be furious.)
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To: svcw
Please show one post that bashes mormons.

Don't hold your breath.

31 posted on 11/06/2011 11:01:40 AM PST by Graybeard58 (Of course Obama loves his country but Herman Cain loves mine.)
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