Free Republic
Browse · Search
Religion
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

One day in {mormon] Heaven
exmormon.org ^ | January 2, 2012 | Anonymous

Posted on 01/02/2012 8:59:16 AM PST by greyfoxx39


One day in heaven (mormon heaven of course), a bunch of the main players from the book of mormon got down to reminisce about their adventures over a nice bottle of wine (in heaven the WOW is still merely a suggestion, not a commandment ;-)). I went a little like this:

Nephi: Who would have thought, thirty hundred years ago, we'd all be sitting here in mormon heaven drinking Chateau de Chaselet, eh?
All: Aye, aye.
Jared: Them book of mormon days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Moroni: Right! A cup of cold tea!
Jared: Right!
Nephi: Without milk or sugar!
Alma - the son of Alma: Or tea!
Jared: In a cracked cup and all.
Nephi: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Moroni: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
Alma: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.
Jared: Because we were poor!
Alma: Right!
Jared: My brother, whose name I cannot for the life of me recall, used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, Jared!"
Nephi: He was right!
Moroni: Right!
Nephi: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumbled-down house in Jerusalem with great big holes in the roof. Then, me old man went barking mad and decided we had to leave Jerusalem and go on some crazy trip. After we left, he sent me back to get some plates made o' brass from some old fart. Well listen, he wouldn't give ‘em up, so I chopped ‘is ‘ead off, I did. Then I dressed up in the dead buggers clothes and got the plates from ‘is servant, who never once recognized me even though I was just a teenager wearing the blood soaked clothes of a man twice my age. But you know, I miss that ol' house.
Jared: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in a one room barge, all twenty- six of us, no furniture, no light except windows in the top and the bottom of the barge which we never could figure out why there was a widow in the bottom of the barge and we couldn't open the window at the top because it was tight like unto a dish. As a matter of fact the whole barge was tight like unto a dish. And my brother, you know the one whose name I cannot for the life of me recall, used to drink so much that he would get tight like unto a dish and thrash me about the head and shoulders, and whenever he would get tight like unto a dish we would all be huddled together in one corner for fear of a thrashing from my brother — whose name I cannot recall.
Alma: You were lucky to have a barge! We used to have to live in the corridor! Not to mention my parents giving me a girls name. Oooh, I used to get the crap beat out of me in school because of that. And me dad should have known better, I am after all Alma, the son of Alma. Ooh to ‘ave lived in a house.
Nephi: Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us! And then we ‘ad to travel for months in a boat tossed about the seas til we came to the uninhabited shores of Americas That's right Mr. Sorensen, I said UNinhabited.
Jared: You were lucky to have a boat! There were 150 of us living barge for years, tight like unto a dish!
Nephi: A wooden barge?
Jared: Aye!
Nephi: You were lucky! We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a the Arabian desert! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to traipsing around the desert, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week and when we got home, our dad Lehi would thrash us to sleep with his "Iron Rod"!
Jared: Luxury! Once we got to America we used to live in a lake. We would get up out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day building a civilization that would completely disappear anyway, by the time Nephi got here, come home, and my brother, whose bloody name I still cannot remember, would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, . . . if we were lucky!
Alma: Well, of course, we had it tough! When we got home, our dad, Alma, since I am after all Alma, the son of Alma, would slice us in two with a bread knife!
Moroni: At least you had a dad, my dad was killed along with 6 million others, soldiers, their wives and children. And I had to spend the next thirty years covering the bones with lime so they would decompose and not be found in the twentieth century. Not to mention that I had to carry two million steel swords and breastplates and hide them in a cave so that modern Mormons could believe in the book of mormon by faith, instead of any evidence that we really existed. Thirty Years, I worked.
Nephi: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down building a bloody temple like unto Solomon, which was supposedly built with hundreds of thousands of workers whereas we only had about twenty, and when we got home, our dad would kill us with his "Iron Rod" and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!
Jared: Aah. And you trying to tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!
All, joined by the three witnesses AND the eight witnesses: No, no they won't!


TOPICS: General Discusssion; Humor; Religion & Politics; Theology
KEYWORDS: bookofmormon; mormon; romney; wehatemormons
A humorous look at the Book of Mormon's "historical facts".

Liberal scholars will have a field day with the BOM if Romney is the nominee.

1 posted on 01/02/2012 8:59:20 AM PST by greyfoxx39
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Colofornian; Elsie; FastCoyote; svcw; Zakeet; SkyPilot; rightazrain; Tennessee Nana; ...

Ping


2 posted on 01/02/2012 9:01:33 AM PST by greyfoxx39 (The Iowa caucuses gave you Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama. You're WELCOME, America.-Iowahawk)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39

That will pale in comparison to what will happen when they get a hold of the Temple Endowment Ceremony if he is the nominee.


3 posted on 01/02/2012 9:12:44 AM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39

As only you could have composed, GF ... thanx for the smile(s)


4 posted on 01/02/2012 9:15:52 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true ... I have no proof ... but they're true)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo

Its already online won’t be hard...

http://ldsendowment.org/

And then there are quotes like this by LDS Apostle Orson Pratt (Romney and Hunstman are descended from his brother Parley who was also a kook)

That vegetables as well as animals have spirits, is clearly shown from the fact that they have capacity for joy and rejoicing.... We are compelled to believe that every vegetable, whether small or great, has a living intelligent spirit capable of feeling, knowing, and rejoicing in its sphere....
This is the origin of spiritual vegetables in Heaven. These spiritual vegetables are sent from Heaven to the terrestrial worlds, where, like animals, they take natural tabernacles, which become food for the sustenance of the natural tabernacles of the animal creation. Thus the spirits of both vegetables and animals are the offspring of male and female parents which have been raised from the dead, or redeemed from a fallen condition.... Pratt, The Seer, March 1853, pages 34, 38; July 1853, pages 102-103; see also Doctrine and Covenants 77:1-4.


5 posted on 01/02/2012 9:16:17 AM PST by reaganaut (Romney IS Obama - just 'white and delightsome' 2 Nephi 30:6)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo
That will pale in comparison to what will happen when they get a hold of the Temple Endowment Ceremony if he is the nominee.

I am voting for a candidate whom I can agree with in prayer.

RICK PERRY 2012

6 posted on 01/02/2012 9:23:09 AM PST by stars & stripes forever (Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39

I think Monty Python at least deserves a tip of the hat for that.

http://www.phespirit.info/montypython/four_yorkshiremen.htm


7 posted on 01/02/2012 9:25:29 AM PST by DManA
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: knarf
As only you could have composed, GF

I would like to take credit, but it was authored by another exmormon. Glad you enjoyed it.

8 posted on 01/02/2012 9:26:10 AM PST by greyfoxx39 (The Iowa caucuses gave you Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama. You're WELCOME, America.-Iowahawk)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39

Good variation of Python’s “The Four Yorkshiremen”.


9 posted on 01/02/2012 9:28:46 AM PST by Fred Hayek (FUBO, the No Talent Pop Star pResident.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: DManA
I think Monty Python at least deserves a tip of the hat for that.

You are correct! I'm not a Monty Python fan, so didn't recognize the source.

It is still pretty funny in the present form.

10 posted on 01/02/2012 9:29:31 AM PST by greyfoxx39 (The Iowa caucuses gave you Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama. You're WELCOME, America.-Iowahawk)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: reaganaut

Last night a carrot screamed just as my wife prepared it for dinner.


11 posted on 01/02/2012 9:35:11 AM PST by AEMILIUS PAULUS (It is a shame that when these people give a riot)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: AEMILIUS PAULUS

Were the carrots wife and kids around?


12 posted on 01/02/2012 9:37:15 AM PST by reaganaut (Romney IS Obama - just 'white and delightsome' 2 Nephi 30:6)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 11 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39
(in heaven the WOW is still merely a suggestion, not a commandment ;-))

Just like on EARTH!!!

THE
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS
OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS


SECTION 89:1-2

1 A Word OF Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—
2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and bwill of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

13 posted on 01/02/2012 10:07:33 AM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: knarf
As only you could have composed, GF


14 posted on 01/02/2012 10:10:24 AM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39
I would like to take credit, but it was authored by another exmormon.

My tears have dried!

15 posted on 01/02/2012 10:13:04 AM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: Elsie

I don’t get it, Elsie ... but cute kid, anyway.


16 posted on 01/02/2012 10:18:05 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true ... I have no proof ... but they're true)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39
You don't even have to imagine a day in Calvinist Heaven. All you have to do is go back to Geneva, circa 1550.

Any who do not subscribe to the Calvinist brand of theology are banished, beheaded or burned at the stake.

17 posted on 01/02/2012 10:19:43 AM PST by Vigilanteman (Obama: Fake black man. Fake Messiah. Fake American. How many fakes can you fit in one Zer0?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Elsie

I don’t get it, Elsie ... but cute kid, anyway.


18 posted on 01/02/2012 10:20:36 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true ... I have no proof ... but they're true)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Elsie

I don’t get it, Elsie ... but cute kid, anyway.


19 posted on 01/02/2012 10:20:36 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true ... I have no proof ... but they're true)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: reaganaut

“These spiritual vegetables are sent from Heaven to the terrestrial worlds,”

I’m sure you know this, but for lurkers, mormons teach that EVERYTHING on earth started in heaven first.
The quote above is just one example. This is all based on a poor translation of a Bible verse! Yet, even
when it is pointed out, they still believe it because their faith is feelings based, not fact based.


20 posted on 01/02/2012 10:45:00 AM PST by aMorePerfectUnion (You know, 99.99999965% of the lawyers give all of them a bad name)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: aMorePerfectUnion; reaganaut
“These spiritual vegetables are sent from Heaven to the terrestrial worlds,”

Oh swell - now they are trying to corrupt "Veggie Tales"

21 posted on 01/02/2012 11:37:44 AM PST by Godzilla (3/7/77)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: Godzilla
"Oh swell - now they are trying to corrupt "Veggie Tales""

There is nothing - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - that mormonism touches, that it does not corrupt and pervert. It corrupts the God into the image of a pathetic created thing, instead of eternally God. It perverts the Gospel of Grace into human worthiness. It perverts the nature of God into polytheism. It perverts marriage into polygamy. It perverts the Godhead into three Gods. Everything it touches is corrupted, while using the same words.

22 posted on 01/02/2012 11:43:33 AM PST by aMorePerfectUnion (You know, 99.99999965% of the lawyers give all of them a bad name)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: Godzilla

LOL. True. Like AMPU said, Mormonism corrupts everything it touches.

What really angers me is their “Biblical” Cartoons (Living Scriptures) that are put forth as Christian cartoons but full of anything but. People buy them for their kids/grandkids thinking they are fine and the kids/grandkids are being brainwashed into Mormon views.

http://www.livingscriptures.com/SeriesDescription.aspx?SeriesID=3


23 posted on 01/02/2012 11:51:22 AM PST by reaganaut (Romney IS Obama - just 'white and delightsome' 2 Nephi 30:6)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: aMorePerfectUnion

Ampu, sorry forgot to ping you.


24 posted on 01/02/2012 11:57:03 AM PST by reaganaut (Romney IS Obama - just 'white and delightsome' 2 Nephi 30:6)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: stars & stripes forever

While that’s not the end all, be all for me ... it IS a factor.


25 posted on 01/02/2012 12:43:10 PM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: reaganaut

The BIGGEST problem, hands down, is the covenant made where you pledge EVERYTHING, “time, talents, etc” to the LDS Church. In short, the Church comes before ANYTHING which includes the U.S. Now while they may not often be in conflict, they will be at times. So if Romney is elected who will be the real POTUS? It will be the President of the LDS Church, that’s who.

I don’t think many GOPers really know that. We probably do, but the non-political junkie types may not. They only know the LDS neighbor who is “pretty nice people”. And I am not saying they are NOT nice. But if you want the LDS Church to run America ... vote Mitt for POTUS.


26 posted on 01/02/2012 12:59:45 PM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: Vigilanteman

Heck with MORMONs!

Let’s get a good C vs A fight going!


27 posted on 01/02/2012 1:20:05 PM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 17 | View Replies]

To: Godzilla

Where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where oh where...

...is my hairbrush?


28 posted on 01/02/2012 1:21:29 PM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo

And that is what some of us have been saying for a very long time. Tricia Erikson wrote a book on it, Rocky Hulse wrote a book in 2008 “When Salt Lake City Calls” stating exactly what you just did. I am surprised at the number of freepers who don’t see it or realize it and think I have my tin foil hat on too tight.


29 posted on 01/02/2012 1:32:20 PM PST by reaganaut (Romney IS Obama - just 'white and delightsome' 2 Nephi 30:6)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo
But if you want the LDS Church to run America ... vote Mitt for POTUS.

Bears repeating...loudly and often 1

30 posted on 01/02/2012 2:18:33 PM PST by greyfoxx39 (The Iowa caucuses gave you Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama. You're WELCOME, America.-Iowahawk)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo

Sure, because they ran Massachusetts.


31 posted on 01/02/2012 3:58:05 PM PST by Choose Ye This Day (The thing that counts is not what we could do, but what we actually do. -- Leo Spears)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: Choose Ye This Day
Sure, because they ran Massachusetts.

No, because that state is SMALLER than UTAH.

32 posted on 01/02/2012 5:35:56 PM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: Choose Ye This Day

The Mormon Church won’t particularly care about the policies of one State. To a bit they will, but once they get America, they run it.

Mormon prophecy states that the Constitution will “hang by a thread” and that the nation will only be saved by the Mormon Church. They see Romney as the fulfillment of prophecy.

And regardless of MA ... a vote for Romney is a vote for the Mormon Church running America.


33 posted on 01/02/2012 7:14:47 PM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo

That’s conspiracy nonsense, but you’re free to continue believing nonsense if you choose.

A vote for Romney is a vote for a spineless politician with no discernible core conservative values. Nothing more.


34 posted on 01/03/2012 4:56:26 AM PST by Choose Ye This Day (The thing that counts is not what we could do, but what we actually do. -- Leo Spears)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: Choose Ye This Day

And you are free to ignore the Truth.

Mormon’s covenant to put the Church before ALL things. They DO believe this is the fulfillment of Prophecy. Joseph Smith “prophesied” that the Constitution would hang by a thread and the Church would save it. They believe this is that time.

Dismissing it as “conspiracy nonsense” does nothing to change the truth of it.


35 posted on 01/03/2012 8:34:13 AM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo; Choose Ye This Day; colorcountry; Colofornian; Elsie; svcw; Zakeet; Tennessee Nana; ..
Dismissing it as “conspiracy nonsense” does nothing to change the truth of it.

If this is "conspiracy nonsense" then CYTD, the taking of the vow of consecration by all worthy mormons is just nonsense, right? If Mitt is allowed to ignore this law as POTUS, then all mormons should be allowed to ignore it.

"You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the Law of Consecration as contained in the Doctrine and Covenants, in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the Kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion.

Law of Consecration

Mormon’s covenant to put the Church before ALL things.

36 posted on 01/03/2012 10:27:53 AM PST by greyfoxx39 (The Iowa caucuses gave you Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama. You're WELCOME, America.-Iowahawk)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 35 | View Replies]

To: greyfoxx39

Indeed they should. that is the covenant of which I speak. Toss in the belief that, “when the Prophet speaks, the thinking has been done”, follow the Prophet as the spokesperson of God, etc (so many more) ... and you get a Mormon theocracy, cleverly shrouded by Mitt, as the law of the land.


37 posted on 01/03/2012 10:34:34 AM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 36 | View Replies]

To: Choose Ye This Day; greyfoxx39; RIghtwardHo

Have you been through the Temple? Taken the Oath? Do you ‘follow the prophet’? Obey the Priesthood?

And if there is no basis to it, why did Mittens meet with Hinkley just prior to announcing his run?

CYTD you may want to get a copy of When Salt Lake City Calls before you just dismiss this.


38 posted on 01/03/2012 12:40:40 PM PST by reaganaut (Ex-Mormon, now Christian "I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: reaganaut

Not sure you meant this reply for me as I agree with you.


39 posted on 01/07/2012 5:50:10 PM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 38 | View Replies]

To: RIghtwardHo

It was for CYTD. I just pinged you because you were in on the convo.


40 posted on 01/07/2012 6:11:45 PM PST by reaganaut (If Romney is a conservative then I'm the frickin Angel Moroni.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 39 | View Replies]

To: reaganaut

OH. I see that now. Sorry about that. Thank you!!!! Guess watching football and trying to read don’t mix. lol


41 posted on 01/07/2012 10:53:54 PM PST by RIghtwardHo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 40 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
Religion
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson