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Oh, Those Church Bulletins
http://www.tysknews.com/LiteStuff/church_bulletins.htm ^

Posted on 10/19/2012 1:29:24 PM PDT by virgil283

Oh, Those Church Bulletins... gathered excerpts..

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off — let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, I Will Not Pass This Way Again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM — prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours.”


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: humor; sourcetitlenoturl
OH my my my I wish my Granny was around to read this. She would've nearly lost her upper plate...
1 posted on 10/19/2012 1:29:26 PM PDT by virgil283
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To: virgil283

LOL, a lot of these have been around for years, thanks for the chuckle..:-)


2 posted on 10/19/2012 1:37:13 PM PDT by PROCON (Liberty vs Tyranny, our vote in November.)
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To: virgil283

I used to attend a very small church whose volunteer secretary was able to produce some memorable gaffes. In our official records, we presented a “plague” to a retiring minister. In a midweek bulletin, it was supposed to read “Plan now to attend the Easter Musical.” What came out was “Plan not to attend the Easter Musical.”

I once asked the younger pastor about the typos and his response was “You should have seen some of the ones I caught.”


3 posted on 10/19/2012 1:39:36 PM PDT by OrangeHoof (Our economy won't heal until one particular black man is unemployed.)
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To: virgil283

LOL!! (I am a church secretary and I’ve made similar errors - thankfully the pastor was a great proof-reader!)

*great Friday afternoon post, btw. thanks for the chuckle. :)


4 posted on 10/19/2012 1:45:41 PM PDT by dixiebelle
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To: virgil283

Those are pretty good.

I remember when I was a teenager and would sit in back of church and play with the church bulletin. I was surprised how easy it was to change the meaning of sentences etc. by just crossing out or adding a single letter.


5 posted on 10/19/2012 1:50:52 PM PDT by yarddog
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To: virgil283; PROCON

I’ve seen a lot of these. Another one I recall “The Little Mothers group meets regularly. All those wishing to become Little Mothers should meet with the pastor in his study following the service.”


6 posted on 10/19/2012 1:53:52 PM PDT by The Truth Will Make You Free
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To: virgil283

A couple of my faves from years past...

Next Sunday there will be a Blessing of the Animals at 10 am, followed by a barbeque at noon.

Ladies of the church have cast off clothes of all kinds. They may be viewed in the church basement after services.


7 posted on 10/19/2012 1:58:46 PM PDT by Hugin ("Most times a man'll tell you his bad intentions, if you listen and let yourself hear."---Open Range)
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To: virgil283

‘Do you know what Hell is like? Come hear our sermon on Sunday.’


8 posted on 10/19/2012 2:03:46 PM PDT by Ken H
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To: virgil283
I've been on Maui for many many years and have picked up the local customs and lingo. A pastor friend new to Maui gave a talk at our church and he had no sense of the local Hawaiian language. He stated that he wanted to thank me for taking him to a Lua ( a place to go potty, he meant Luau, a feast) where he tried shi shi (to take a pee, he meant sushi, a raw fish dish). Good thing our congregation is in a tourist area and not a lot of locals as no one really knew what he had just said. LOL I told him later and he was so embarrassed.
9 posted on 10/19/2012 2:11:45 PM PDT by fish hawk
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To: virgil283

Thanks!


10 posted on 10/19/2012 2:15:31 PM PDT by Inyo-Mono (My greatest fear is that when I'm gone my wife will sell my guns for what I told her I paid for them)
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To: OrangeHoof

Back in the late 90s, Texas executed a woman named Karla Faye Tucker. Unspeakable crime, supposedly got religion in prison, lots of moaning and groaning from the anti-DP crowd, but GWB did not grant her clemency.

Anyway, after she was executed, someone at our church who apparently knew a member of Karla’s family had asked for prayers for the family. Unfortunately, a member of our church had a name very similar to that of the murderess, and our church secretary had a knack for making mistakes. Sure enough, Sunday’s bulletin read: “Please pray for the family of [church member], who was executed this past week.”


11 posted on 10/19/2012 2:30:24 PM PDT by Burma Jones
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To: virgil283

Read Florence King’s classic “Southern Ladies and Gentlemen”. As copy editor for wedding & church activity announcements, she saw some real doozies.

The mother of a bride wanted the hymns highlighted for her daughter’s wedding:

“Because”, “I Love You Truly”, “I’d Rather Have Jesus”.

;^)


12 posted on 10/19/2012 2:36:03 PM PDT by elcid1970 ("Free speech is more important than Islam.")
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To: virgil283

HAHA

Best laugh all day, thanks.


13 posted on 10/19/2012 2:42:55 PM PDT by OldNewYork
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To: virgil283

Enjoyed this article very much, thanks.


14 posted on 10/19/2012 3:50:41 PM PDT by TheConservativeParty (Trust in the Lord. Psalm 37:3)
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To: virgil283

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and south ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.

The preacher for next Sunday’s services can be found pinned to the notice board.


15 posted on 10/19/2012 6:29:41 PM PDT by Diapason
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To: dixiebelle
One Sunday our son’s Sunday School teacher asked my wife if today was her birthday. Told that it was, the teacher replied, “Your son told me so. Have you noticed what you typed for the date in the bulletin?”

Sure enough, the month and day were those of my wife’s birthday - and so was the year!


16 posted on 10/19/2012 7:17:57 PM PDT by conservatism_IS_compassion (The idea around which “liberalism" coheres is that NOTHING actually matters except PR.)
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To: virgil283

Back in the day, I had a pastor for whom English was his second language.

After a viewing of a Dr. Dobson Film about Self-esteem, The pastor spoke about a hurtful incident in his childhood that caused him to “Cry My Bawls Off”.

Seriously. Really.


17 posted on 10/20/2012 9:10:07 AM PDT by left that other site (Worry is the Darkroom that Develops Negatives.)
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To: virgil283

I’ll never many years ago visiting a church and as I was reading the bulletin I noticed that one group in the church was doing Fasting & Prayer while another group in the church was doing Pizza & Prayer.


18 posted on 10/20/2012 10:59:39 AM PDT by fkabuckeyesrule (Lets institute SARAH-ia law in America!)
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To: elcid1970

I always enjoy reading Florence King in NR.


19 posted on 10/20/2012 11:02:54 AM PDT by fkabuckeyesrule (Lets institute SARAH-ia law in America!)
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To: virgil283

I saw this in the bulletin at an Army Chapel, had something to do with a function later in the week:

“Sign up in the voyeur.”

Best part was the Chaplain didn’t even know what a voyeur was. When my buddy and I told him he turned beet red. We gave him heck for months.


20 posted on 10/20/2012 12:29:33 PM PDT by Gamecock
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To: stylecouncilor; windcliff

...ping....


21 posted on 10/20/2012 5:51:05 PM PDT by onedoug
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To: Hugin

I hadn’t heard the barbecue one. l


22 posted on 11/26/2012 8:07:29 AM PST by dangus
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