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Woman wonders, ‘Will I be fat in heaven?’
Lark News ^ | B. Jokin

Posted on 11/27/2012 9:00:34 AM PST by Gamecock

BROKEN ARROW, Okla. — Kerrie Jameson is confident she is going to heaven. What scares her is the possibility that she’ll show up 30 pounds overweight and stay that way forever.

“I work a desk job, and my physique reflects that,” says Jameson, 28, who used to work out daily but has fallen into bad eating habits. “I have this horrible image of myself standing before the throne looking like a lumpy sack of flour. Everyone else will be worshiping, and I’ll be slinking off to a corner to eat chocolate and console myself.”

The idea of being fat in heaven first occurred to her during a sermon on Jesus’ nail-scarred hands and feet. Jameson realized that some earthly attributes, including physical characteristics, follow us to the next life.

“Jesus still has wounds on his body,” Jameson says. “Doesn’t that tell us something? What if I die before I get my weight down? Will I be stuck like this always? Will I have to diet in heaven?”

Concerned, she brought it up at a recent women’s retreat, sparking a vigorous discussion during the afternoon meeting. Jameson said she dreaded the prospect of “wearing a plus-size robe for eternity” and was searching for any biblical evidence that people in heaven will have bodies that “represent their perfect selves.”

Her secret hope, applauded by many of the women, was that when she walks through the pearly gates the weight will “disappear” to be remembered no more.

“If overeating is a sin, and the effects of sin are completely wiped away in heaven, then people with weight issues should be in the clear,” she said.

Brianna Worthington, 27, a mom who is in marathon shape, openly disagreed.

“I haven’t worked this hard on my body only to have it taken away once I die,” she said to scattered boos. “Don’t our works follow us? Don’t we get rewarded for what we’ve done down here? Do I get nothing for keeping my temple in shape?”

She said it felt “unfair” that every saint would look instantly perfect in heaven, but she also didn’t want heaven to look like “every mall in the U.S. where half the people are so big they have a hard time moving around.”

Jenny, a substantially overweight church member who says she carries around enough extra pounds “to form another small human,” said she believed people in heaven will look almost exactly like they do here — and that “weight diversity” makes life interesting. She cited instances from the Bible where people appeared in their post-death forms and were still recognizable: the prophet Samuel, Moses, Elijah and, of course, Jesus himself.

“Some people are built fat and happy, and that makes the world fun,” said the longtime church organist. “I don’t want a heaven where everyone looks like a cover model.”

She said she looks forward to “zooming around heaven in a big, impressive body.”

Other women expressed concern about physical attributes such as tattoos and breast implants. There was a rough consensus that foreign substances like ink and silicone probably would not make the translation, but the verdict was out on plastic surgery and obesity.

Jameson found little comfort in the discussion and is starting a “salad and cucumbers” diet upon returning home. She prays God will give her enough time to hit her weight goal before exiting this life.

“Everything right now is about making sure I reach my preferred dress size in case I die suddenly,” she says. “I’m driving a lot more carefully now.” •


TOPICS: General Discusssion; Humor
KEYWORDS: humor; parody
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1 posted on 11/27/2012 9:00:40 AM PST by Gamecock
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To: Alex Murphy

2 posted on 11/27/2012 9:01:34 AM PST by Gamecock (Bayonets, Benghazi, Balls, Binders, Big Bird, Birth Control, BS.....)
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To: Gamecock

Maybe if they put down that coke...


3 posted on 11/27/2012 9:03:20 AM PST by Perdogg (Rep. Tom McClintock (R-CA4) for President 2016)
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To: Gamecock
Purgatory is Heaven's physical fitness center. And if you thought your high school gym teacher was rough, wait until you have an archangel telling you to give one more rep.
4 posted on 11/27/2012 9:05:12 AM PST by KarlInOhio (Big Bird is a brood parasite: laid in our nest 43 years ago and we are still feeding him.)
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To: Gamecock

I believe there are a number of instances where Jesus actually was not recognized, weren’t there? For example, there is the walk to Emmaus. I have always wondered about that.......


5 posted on 11/27/2012 9:05:12 AM PST by esquirette ("Our hearts are restless until they find rest in Thee." ~ Augustine)
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To: Gamecock

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”


6 posted on 11/27/2012 9:05:21 AM PST by MNDude
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To: MNDude

Now where did I put my screen wipes. I need to get the Mountain Dew of my monitor.


7 posted on 11/27/2012 9:07:56 AM PST by Gamecock (Bayonets, Benghazi, Balls, Binders, Big Bird, Birth Control, BS.....)
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To: Gamecock

I think all of them need to delve into their Bibles a little more deeply. Our souls are eternal, our bodies are not. In Heaven the ‘body’ we have will be exactly what God wants us to have and His idea of perfection. Tha’s good enough for me.
And no, there aren’t going to be heavenly rewards for marathon running.


8 posted on 11/27/2012 9:09:17 AM PST by Wiser now (Socialism does not eliminate poverty, it guarantees it.)
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To: Gamecock

Anyone who thinks they will appear before any Pearly Gates or before God in the body they have now are dreaming..

We will have no need for earthly bodies in heaven.


9 posted on 11/27/2012 9:09:31 AM PST by Venturer
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To: Gamecock

Heh. Silly first-world worries about the afterlife. Will I be fat in Heaven? Will I be the old or young version of me? Will I still be able to see the Cowboys game? Will Heaven have buffalo wings? Medium-rare steak?

My guess is that none of it matters and we’re just not bright enough to understand ... though I can’t imagine a Heaven without steak.

SnakeDoc


10 posted on 11/27/2012 9:10:24 AM PST by SnakeDoctor (Texas survived one Obama term, and we'll survive another. The rest of you are screwed.)
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To: KarlInOhio

>>Purgatory is Heaven’s physical fitness center. And if you thought your high school gym teacher was rough, wait until you have an archangel telling you to give one more rep.<<

And your shop teacher having you make that birdhouse AGAIN until endtimes.


11 posted on 11/27/2012 9:10:41 AM PST by freedumb2003 (Here comes bama claus here comes bama claus left down bama claus lane!)
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To: Gamecock

Now here’s a person who has not read her Bible.

I am bemused by peoples’ amazingly trivial views of heaven and hell. Both a light view of hell and a low view of heaven are really a distortion of the character of God.


12 posted on 11/27/2012 9:13:20 AM PST by lurk
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To: esquirette

It’s because before Crucifixion the Roman Soldiers ripped off Jesus’ beard/ After Resurrection he bore the scars of that and his followers didn’t recognize him until he spoke to them. When we get to heaven we will see his scarred face, hands, feet and side and know just HOW MUCH we are LOVED!


13 posted on 11/27/2012 9:16:00 AM PST by US Navy Vet (Go Packers! Go Rockies! Go Boston Bruins! See, I'm "Diverse"!)
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To: MNDude
Three women die and go to heaven. Before passing through the gates, Saint Peter conducts them to a waiting room and says he'll be back shortly.

3 hours later he returns. He goes up to the first lady and says "Sorry for the wait. Did you mind?"

The lady replied "Saint Peter, I've waited 76 years to get here. I didn't mind at all."

"Oh, good," said Saint Peter, "Just before you can go into heaven, please spell God." "G-O-D" the lady replies, and in she goes.

The second lady gets the same treatment. Saint Pete asked the thir lady did she mind, and she replied "Saint Peter, I've waited all my life in grocery store lines, in movie-ticket lines, at the RMV, and now even at heaven's gate! Yes I did mind. Truth be told, I'm peeved off!"

Saint Peter smiles ingraciatingly. "Well I'm very sorry. You just have to spell one word before you can go in."

The lady, having seen the other two ladies, starts "G-o--" Saint Peter cut her off. "Oh no ma'am, your word is Methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylarginyl...isoleucine*."

.

*Chemical name of titen, a protein molecule, FYI.

14 posted on 11/27/2012 9:16:04 AM PST by Wyrd bið ful aræd (Gone Galt, 11/07/12)
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To: SnakeDoctor

Exactly. I assume that just being in God’s awesome, incredible, currently-not-understandable presence will be enough to keep you overfowing with joy for time without end.


15 posted on 11/27/2012 9:19:18 AM PST by Wyrd bið ful aræd (Gone Galt, 11/07/12)
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To: SnakeDoctor
though I can’t imagine a Heaven without steak.

Try imagining the diet of Adam and Eve. Fruits, nuts and vegetables. To get a steak you would have to kill a cow. I'm pretty sure death in Heaven will not be an option. I'm thinking you'll be out of luck on the steak.

16 posted on 11/27/2012 9:19:51 AM PST by BipolarBob (Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.)
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To: Wiser now
I think all of them need to delve into their Bibles a little more deeply

Exactly. Since they don't they are misled by their own earthly thinking. I can't be bothered with those who are so deliberately misled.

17 posted on 11/27/2012 9:20:44 AM PST by presently no screen name
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To: Gamecock

In heaven you spend all day (there are no nights) on a bright, hot, sunny beach, eating grilled hamburgers made from frozen, pre-formed patties with store-bought potato salad, cole slaw and chips, washed down with an endless supply of Milwaukee’s Best Light. You do this until you are sick of being an angel, then you get reincarnated and go another round.


18 posted on 11/27/2012 9:20:55 AM PST by Mr Ramsbotham (Laws against sodomy are honored in the breech.)
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To: Gamecock

Depends. Are there Twinkies in Heaven?


19 posted on 11/27/2012 9:22:34 AM PST by Smedley (It's a sad day for American capitalism when a man can't fly a midget on a kite over Central Park)
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To: Gamecock

I expect that the sheer glory of being in the awesome, unspeakable presence of our Creator - the One who spoke everything into existence - will be sufficient.

People with humanistic views of heaven, like the ones in this article, make themselves and their own ego the focus of Heaven.

God Himself is the focus of all souls in Heaven, nothing else.

When my middle child died, my oldest asked me if we’d recognize her in Heaven and be able to be together. I told her I didn’t know for sure, but I didn’t expect so. Anything less than the glory of God as sole focus of Heaven wouldn’t make it Heaven, in my opinion.


20 posted on 11/27/2012 9:23:48 AM PST by ItsOurTimeNow ("This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no foolin' around.")
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To: esquirette

Because they saw him in the flesh and not in the spirit. They didn’t ‘see’ him for who He truly is by using their natural eyes. They didn’t have ‘eyes to see’.


21 posted on 11/27/2012 9:24:45 AM PST by presently no screen name
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To: BipolarBob

I’m not hindu. I’m fine with killing cows. God isn’t hindu either.

>> To get a steak you would have to kill a cow. I’m pretty sure death in Heaven will not be an option.

“With God, all things are possible.” — Jesus Christ, Matt 19:26.

Pretty sure the Almighty could find a way to get a steak. Probably could even do so without killing a cow. Either way, I’m optimistic.

SnakeDoc


22 posted on 11/27/2012 9:26:19 AM PST by SnakeDoctor (Texas survived one Obama term, and we'll survive another. The rest of you are screwed.)
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To: Gamecock

No, if she gets into heaven, everything will be perfect for her. So she will not be fat.

If Jesus keeps the marks of His Crucifixion after his Ascension into Heaven, it is because He chooses to do so. They are signs not only of His suffering, but also of His loving willingness to die for our salvation. And they are signs of His triumph over sin and death.

We know from the story of Thomas and the Apostles that He kept his wounds after rising from the tomb on Easter. We don’t necessarily know for certain if He kept his wounds all the time, or only when He chose to display them, if I understand correctly.


23 posted on 11/27/2012 9:26:33 AM PST by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: Gamecock
Fortunately, this is satire...but pretty close to the truth...

Less, of course, American women have de-evolved to think like the Islamist who believe shaking an infidel hand or using his comb will make your penis fall off

24 posted on 11/27/2012 9:26:54 AM PST by Popman
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To: MNDude

That was great!


25 posted on 11/27/2012 9:27:15 AM PST by LostInBayport (When there are more people riding in the cart than there are pulling it, the cart stops moving...)
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To: Gamecock

“Do these wings make me look fat?”


26 posted on 11/27/2012 9:28:33 AM PST by mikrofon (At least in Heaven, there is no beer...)
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To: SnakeDoctor
Will I still be able to see the Cowboys game?

If it's with Romo and Jones, it'll be hell.

27 posted on 11/27/2012 9:31:00 AM PST by bgill (We've passed the point of no return. Welcome to Al Amerika.)
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To: BipolarBob

“To get a steak you would have to kill a cow. I’m pretty sure death in Heaven will not be an option. I’m thinking you’ll be out of luck on the steak.”

“In vitro meat” — if WE can think of it....

Does the Bible tell us that Adam and Eve were vegetarians?


28 posted on 11/27/2012 9:33:23 AM PST by treetopsandroofs (Had FDR been GOP, there would have been no World Wars, just "The Great War" and "Roosevelt's Wars".)
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To: Gamecock

Well, no. The heat from the fires will melt it right off, sweetie.


29 posted on 11/27/2012 9:35:10 AM PST by Safetgiver ( Islam makes barbarism look genteel.)
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To: Gamecock

Fat and happy!


30 posted on 11/27/2012 9:37:26 AM PST by GSWarrior
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To: Mr Ramsbotham

No (pay) toilets in Heaven? Nice!


31 posted on 11/27/2012 9:38:39 AM PST by equaviator (There's nothing like the universe to bring you down to earth.)
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To: Gamecock

I dunno if a cloud is going to support all the weight. ;)


32 posted on 11/27/2012 9:39:45 AM PST by dfwgator
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To: Smedley
Are there Twinkies in Heaven?

Not if there are unions in Heaven.

33 posted on 11/27/2012 9:39:55 AM PST by GreenHornet
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To: Gamecock
Breaking news! Lark News is a satire site.
34 posted on 11/27/2012 9:40:30 AM PST by Carpe Cerevisi
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To: KarlInOhio

Hell is forever being squeezed in between two 600 pounders.


35 posted on 11/27/2012 9:40:54 AM PST by dfwgator
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To: Smedley
Depends. Are there Twinkies in Heaven?

Yes! Because heaven is not unionized.

36 posted on 11/27/2012 9:42:19 AM PST by reg45 (Barack 0bama: Implementing class warfare by having no class.)
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To: Gamecock
Lark News, OK.
37 posted on 11/27/2012 9:43:47 AM PST by Lee N. Field ("And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise" Gal 3:29)
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To: Gamecock
We will have no need for earthly bodies. I think it will be like in Matthew 17 when Jesus was transfigured and his face was like the sun and his clothes became like white light. Perhaps in our heavenly souls we all become beings of light.
38 posted on 11/27/2012 9:44:25 AM PST by Teotwawki (For a person to get a thing without paying for it, another must pay for it without getting it.)
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To: dfwgator
Let me fix that for you:

Hell is forever being squeezed in between two 600 pounders on Southwest Airlines.

39 posted on 11/27/2012 9:46:44 AM PST by Gamecock (Bayonets, Benghazi, Balls, Binders, Big Bird, Birth Control, BS.....)
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To: Carpe Cerevisi

Yes it is!

But haven’t you ever been in a group study of some type and silly conversations like this broke out?


40 posted on 11/27/2012 9:48:46 AM PST by Gamecock (Bayonets, Benghazi, Balls, Binders, Big Bird, Birth Control, BS.....)
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To: Gamecock
Keep this handy:


41 posted on 11/27/2012 9:49:08 AM PST by carriage_hill (America - a great idea while it lasted.)
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To: GreenHornet

There was one Union in Heaven once, The shop stewards name was Lucifer. The Union hall is now called Hell’s Gate.


42 posted on 11/27/2012 9:51:03 AM PST by American in Israel (A wise man's heart directs him to the right, but the foolish mans heart directs him toward the left.)
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To: Gamecock

You stay fat, but gravity is 1/6th that of earth.


43 posted on 11/27/2012 9:56:47 AM PST by Larry Lucido
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To: Larry Lucido; F15Eagle

Wonder what Aunt Baby looks like in heaven?


44 posted on 11/27/2012 10:02:53 AM PST by Gamecock (Bayonets, Benghazi, Balls, Binders, Big Bird, Birth Control, BS.....)
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To: MNDude

My neighbors wife is spoiled rotten. Spends like a drunken lotto winner.

Her husband tells me for her birthday she wants something that goes from 0-200 fast, and didn’t care what color it was.

I suggested he buy her a bathroom scale.


45 posted on 11/27/2012 10:03:08 AM PST by dragnet2 (Diversion and evasion are tools of deceit)
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To: bgill

No, hell will be an eternity of watching the Raiders with JaMarcus Russell at QB.


46 posted on 11/27/2012 10:15:57 AM PST by ZirconEncrustedTweezers (Democrats are evil. Republicans are stupid.)
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To: dragnet2

I actually fell for this one:

Hubby was gassing up the car in Linn Co, IA.

Woman stops and asks him for directions “How do I get to 380?”

Hubby replies: “Have you considered Weight Watchers?”


47 posted on 11/27/2012 10:17:25 AM PST by LadyBuck (Some day very soon, Life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.)
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To: Gamecock

LOL. Fat, old, ugly and bald in Heaven. With bad arthritis and half senile. What a way to go through eternity!


48 posted on 11/27/2012 10:25:40 AM PST by Opinionated Blowhard ("When the people find they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.")
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To: Gamecock

49 posted on 11/27/2012 10:26:41 AM PST by yefragetuwrabrumuy (DIY Bumper Sticker: "THREE TIMES,/ DEMOCRATS/ REJECTED GOD")
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To: Gamecock

That’s pretty good...but, many a truth is said in jest. Grannies beware ;)


50 posted on 11/27/2012 10:28:18 AM PST by jacknhoo (Luke 12:51. Think ye, that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, no; but separation.)
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