Skip to comments.So what does having a father at home have to do with raising healthy kids?
Posted on 12/20/2012 12:32:16 PM PST by truthczar2000
Recently, I posted a thread on what I consider to be at least one of the causes of Adam Lanza's state of mind when he went into Sandy hills School and killed little children. My suggestion was that the lack of a father living with his mother had at least a small part to play in his state of mind.
Needless to say, several people were angry at the mere suggestion that children growing up without fathers might play a role in the anger issues young men face today. Fair enough. No one can say that the mental issues Adam Lanza was dealing with (or not dealing with) were solely the result of anyone's failure outside of his own.
I understand the anger many people feel about what happened. I understand people's conclusion that Adam Lanza was "pure evil". I also understand the tendency of people to bristle when someone suggests that the lifestyle they maintain might not be ideal.
My heart goes out to divorced people. I understand that some people's circumstances will not allow them to save their marriages. But I believe in God's original plan, according to the Bible. That plan is for one man to marry one woman for one lifetime. Regardless of how many people miss that mark, it still remains the standard to which men and women should strive.
I have been marries to the same woman for 30 years now. We got married young under less-than-ideal circumstances. But we worked together to build a family. We have two well adjusted daughters who both have maintained a moral lifestyle. I believe the stability both I and my wife modeled for them has helped.
Too many people fall short of God's ideal plan for whatever reason, then justify their failure by blaming others. This is true of marriage as well. I know many men retreat into substance abuse. I know many men resort to violence against their spouses. I know many women neglect their homes and their children in the name of being "liberated".
But who suffers through all this? The children, that's who! As a youth pastor, I saw many young men and women dealing with anger, insecurity and abandonment issues because they were living with only one parent, usually the mother. That is not to say that I didn't see children in two-parent households who had issues. But they generally didn't have the same kinds of issues, and I can say without reservation that the kids living in single parent situations had far more issues than their peers.
The Bible says that a child left to himself will bring shame to his parents. When one parent leaves the home by choice, I see that as leaving a child to himself.
There is no honest data to show that a child is better off without a father living at home working to raise him or her with his wife. I know feminism has continually drilled into women's heads that they don't need men around. But the way our society is headed, based upon honest data, points to a different conclusion.
Besides, this is God's ideal plan. I know people fall short of it for a variety of reasons, and many people will not like hearing that they have fallen short. But rather than wallowing in guilt, or wanting to shoot the messenger, would it not be better to seek the face of God and allow Him to restore your families?
I have seen God work amazing miracles in families (mine included), so I believe with all my heart that following His plan will lead to a strong marriage and an abundant family life.
Think about this; All of Sandusky’s victims were boys who did not have their fathers around.
Excellent point, Perdogg
doesn;t surveys etc show that if a kid has a mother and a father at home then that kid prospers much more?
I know many parents today raise their kids as a second thought, come home tired, kick off shoes, grab a wine and leave kids in bedroom with TV, texting, radio or what ever they have in htere.
My kids don;t even have a TV in their bedroom because we like spending time with our kids
Here are several articles which make the case for the importance of fathers in the home:
The issue is not whether or not parents value their rolls as such. The issue here is the absence, and affect of, the father in the home.
Devoted men keep families strong. I’ve never understood why saying this took anything away from the honor of single moms, who struggle for their family’s survival despite the father’s neglect. I’m not saying all divorced dad’s neglect their kids, but there sure are a lot of completely uninvolved fathers who have terribly hurt their kids.
My husband stuck with his family though thick and thin, and I thank God for his love and protection. We are truly blessed.
As a Dad it was always my job to physically eject my couch-potato child from glowing screens and force her to go out and get some fresh air and exercise.
John Paul II said one time that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.
This is a no brainer.
A father, at the very LEAST, is another adult in the home who can either provide relief, and/or attend to much of the administrative tasks of running a home with children, so the mom can at least focus on the kids ...or better yet, they share those things so BOTH can attend to the parenting tasks. It takes TWO!!!
In this case, Lanza father could have done a walk through of the house and perhaps asked Nancy as to why the guns weren’t locked up with the kid around.
Or discussed the issue with her ... they say he had weekly visits ...what were they doing during these visits?
Many, many, many reasons men aren’t inovlved these days — many working long hours to stay afloat, many distracted by hobbies, sporting events, other women, or even some who play like they’re serving and volunteering in the community — when it’s THEIR kids who usually need the most time and attention!
I’m tired of passivity from men nowdays. Don’t LET these women push you out. Do your duty to your kids. Scouts are a great way to spend time as a father with your son — in the company of other like minded men and to teach and get these kids away from the video games!
One of the most obvious causes of the many socially disoriented of our youth, is the fact that they are not growing up with proper role models. Does the absence of such fuel a sub-conscious rage, which can erupt in terrible acts?
Consider this: Until recently the ideal for young men was found in concepts adopted from the Chivalric Code in Christian Europe. Would anyone suggest that if more of our youth were conditioned by Chivalric values, we would not see a reduction in anti-social behavior?
In my opinion, while there may be multiple factors at play here, most of them relate to the loss of traditional purpose among our youth. Most of them!
As materialists, liberals want empirical proof that fathers are needed in the home. There actually is proof but they want it to be 100% proof. The same dynamic works in their atheism. More humble previous generations knew things by common sense and experience. Today’s arrogant generation wants things proven beyond a doubt or they won’t believe. As Jesus says:”An evil and adulterous generation seeks a sign.”
A mother alone has a hard time teaching a boy to be a man, and teaching a girl how a man should treat her. The lack of fathers is the single greatest plague on the black community in this country, and its spreading.
agree on all points.
I’ve pointed out how the left have attacked the traditional fmaily for decades over the last few days so I;m not going to write another long post but the left promoted this new family , told women they do not need a guy and they are now seeing their chickens come home.
Wait till another 20 years when we see kids who have been bought by homosexuals grow up with their mental problems to add.
No coincidence that the rules for commies back in 1963 attacked the family and society and since that the fmaily has been destroyed, hell they even tried to go after the boy scouts.
Just been told two girls at my oldest school were crying because the texted naked photo’s of themselves and now it;s been passed about.\
Girls are 15 as is my oldest boy
Neither girls have fathers, both have mothers who go out all the time and never bother with their daughters, both girils smoke, have weed, get drunk and now this.
Mother is too busy working and then going out getting laid, no father and this is another product of the lefts attack on traditional families
Of course, old Nancy still had her ex-husband’s money. To many women, that’s all they think they need ...but in this case, she needed HIM, too.
I would be lost without my husband. (shhh, don’t let him know I told you that). But he makes this family WORK. He just does “stuff” around here and takes half the burden from me. We have an austistic son and a high needs older son as well. If I didn’t have my husband, those boys would run roughshod over me. it would be out of control in a matter of days ... they’re cute, but they are a handful. Their dad’s steady influence keeps them grounded and walking the line.
I just want to know what sort of man backs out of a kid’s life and remains so passive. What is it with some men these days? We all know half the women are nuts ...maybe half the men are, too.
Didnt the Columbine killers come from two parent homes?..........
Dont LET these women push you out.
The problem isn’t about women pushing men out. The problem are men checking out.
Liberals KNOW that a healthy marriage with mom and pop is key to a healthy growing economy and a strong secure nation.
But they also know the way to grow a tyrannical government with ultimate power to the State means DEFEATING the family and replacing dear old dad with a welfare check.
May LBJ rot in hell for the damage he did to the USA.
I don’t think this has anything at all to do with parentage. Lanza was just nuts in a clinical way. The statements by former teachers that he couldn’t feel pain and would burn himself and not feel a thing lead me to believe he had far more serious mental problems than what is reported. There may have been undiagnosed schizophrenia, hereditary sensory and autonomic neuropathy, or a combination of disorders.
Absolutely. Everyday I look forward to being with my 3 girls and Mrs Frogjerk.
Divorce is never good for the kids. I know a young man (15) who lost his father to cancer some years ago. Is he also doomed? Or do different circumstances of single-parenthood make a different outcome?
Bears repeating again and again.
That’s why the Great Society was such a “success” for the progressives. Raising unwed black births > 75% has made them a permanent underclass reliably dependent on the govt.
Therein lies the problem. When you have a father who's not so well-adjusted, who makes the entire family miserable, emotionally abuses them, whatever, should the wife keep him in the picture for the kid's sake?
I don't think so. There is no blanket policy for people's lives they just have to try to figure it out as they go and make the best decisions they can. And none of us should second-guess them.
Sadly, liberalism is bereft of love, and it has enabled no-fault divorce, where whimsy as well as neglect and abuse can be the deciding factor to leave the relationship legally. The man may love his wife, but his voice is moot.
Lack of fathers has caused horrific ill in America, and women bear as much of the blame for it as men. Maybe more, because if I remember correctly, most divorces are filed by wives. I also blame the oxymoronic "family law" system in America, which serves to create financial incentive for women to divorce their husbands and become "single moms."
Sorry, it's the hard, cold truth. I say it as a woman.
“A mother alone has a hard time teaching a boy to be a man, and teaching a girl how a man should treat her. The lack of fathers is the single greatest plague on the black community in this country, and its spreading....”
This is so very true. My Dad died of a heart attack at age 51 years, and my Mom was left with 7 children, although only three were minors yet. Two others were still in post-HS education processes (a teacher and a radiologic tech). I was only 11 years old, and I still feel an emptiness when I think of my Dad’s death.
Only 17 years later, my sister (who was the RT) lost her husband in a small airplane crash. He was only 36 years old. She was living on the East coast and had five kids under age 14 years. She decided to move back to Minnesota where she had 2 brothers, 3 brothers-in-law (her husband’s brothers), plus some other in-law males such as husbands of siblings. Many of her friends on the East Coast asked her why she was moving; perhaps she was being too hasty. However, my sister was determined to raise her children where they would have adult male members of both families to advise them and who could be examples to her children of well-balanced men. It was a good decision. Her kids turned out great.
“Dont LET these women push you out.”
“The problem isnt about women pushing men out. The problem are men checking out.”
Unfortunately selfishness knows no particular gender, and I have seen personally cases of bad fathers abandoning their homes for other women, and bad mothers who check out of a marriage so they can run around at night with guys at the bars.
I just wish people would not have kids if they are not mature enough to put their childrens’ needs ahead of their own whims and weaknesses. Unfortunately our society glorifies sex/lust above love, marriage, and restraint. The kids are the BIG losers
Fair enough. I am not saying that all mass murderers have daddy issues. Bet a look at the profile of both the Columbine killers shows two young men dealing with what they saw as rejection.
What kind of rejection do you think a child whose parents split up feels. Imagine the pain of seeing a father or mother walking out the door by choice!
We see the results of that kind of rejection in kids all the time. People just need to acknowledge the truth; maybe then we can get about the business of dealing with it.
And you think that a father being gone from his life for years had nothing to do with his mental problems?
I can tell you from my own interactions with young men and women is that the kind of numbness described in Mr. Lanza is often caused by personal trauma. Is it not possible that his father walking out of the home contributed to this kind of mental trauma?
God second guesses all of us, and He’s right. That is why it’s important to make Godly choices in things like marriage and raising children.
I am not second guessing anyone’s choices. I am merely pointing out God’s plan. You can choose to do with it what you will.
To the level of schizophrenia and worse is usually a biochemical problem unless severe abuse was involved. Absence of proper parenting can lead to some functional problems, however, severe mental problems are physical and chemical.
It has been my experience that a parent dying is different from a parent walking out.
Yes, there is a profound sense of loss, but not the kind of feelings of rejection divorce can foster. I don’t know for sure if that is true in all cases ( the heart is known but to God). But that has been my experience, for the most part.
I understand what you are saying, and I agree with it to a point. However, I also believe that mental trauma can manifest itself in chemical changes in the brain. I won’t say that is a definitive cause for schizophrenia; I do believe, however that it can be a factor in some cases.
I deal with disabled people in my line of work. I know that these severe mental problems are physical and chemical. But is it not also possible that the level of trauma needed to push someone over a theoretical edge varies from person to person. One person’s bad experience may well be another person’s mind-altering trauma.
As I recall, those homes were broken and rebuilt, which means the real fathers weren't there.
Thank you for your kind words.
If anyone wants to know more about the European Code of Chivalry, that information can be found at http://www.middle-ages.org.uk/knights-code-of-chivalry.htm
A Prayer for Fathers
No Better Gift for Fathers Day
Gift of Fatherhood: Kneel before the Father from Whom Every Family in Heaven on Earth is named
Fathers are important
Fatherhood and Religion
The New Catholic Manliness (about priests)
Dads: Men for All Seasons
The Father of Fathers
On The Demise of Fatherhood
Fathers Day 2009: An End to Buffoonish Fathers
Of Treacheries, Tykes, and the Trinity (Fatherhood, Family, Effects of Abortion)
Priests and the importance of fatherhood [Catholic Caucus]
[OPEN] The Government, Divorce, and the War on Fatherhood
Study Shows Christianity Makes Men Better Husbands and Fathers
Study Shows Christianity Makes Men Better Husbands and Fathers (Open)
Honoring Thy Fathers
Priests of the Domestic Church: A Father's Day Homily
The Blueprint for Heroic Family Life [Fathers' Day] [Ecumenical]
Honoring Thy Fathers
A Father's Tough Love
Children Who Have An Active Father Figure Have Fewer Psychological And Behavioral Problems
Where Have All the Christian Men Gone? My Conversation with John Eldredge
The Transforming Power of Prayer [Part 1] (Catholic Man)
The Transforming Power of Prayer, Part 2 (Catholic Man)
The 10 Paradoxes of Fatherhood, There is a certain immediacy about motherhood that cannot
The Story of Champions [Father's Day]
What Makes a Man a Hero? [Father's Day]
The New Catholic Manliness
Applying St. Benedict's Rule to Fatherhood and Family Life - Using 6th-Century Wisdom Today
The best thing we can do as parents is to be the best examples we can to our children. A lot of stuff they learn just by watching us.
I have taught my children about what a good spouse is by pointing out the good example of my better half they have in front of them.
So far, two of my kids have made excellent choices for spouses.
In other words, we need to teach our children to pick their spouses well. That way they don't have to be surprised by a bad one.
The advice my dad gave me was, "You want to see every side of that person, you want to see what he is like when he is mad, how he treats his mother, how he treats little kids, does he maintain a responsible attitude in all situations?"
I agree, and the great psychiatrist Eric Berne agreed even more. He postulated a formula for the formation of a successful person:
Parent of opposite gender tells you what to do/be; parent of same gender shows you how.
The government views such as PARIAHS and THE ENEMY to be forced out of the home at all costs. In the Western world, upon birth (and before), women are granted "custodial" and supreme authority over any and all children. This is the problem with thinking that a pregnancy is simply a "part" of the woman's body in which she has ultimate authority over: it filters down to post natal as well: (see http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden-uterus-complex-15-characteristics-of-the-golden-uterus/)
Schools, churches, daycares, government agencies, especially in BLUE states will tell you that dad has ZERO rights; his only job is to pay matriarchy aka "child" support. They have government agencies to enforce this that get matching fed kickbacks for the greatest amount of "child" support mandated and collected (search: Title IV-D)
There is no such government agency as "Equal/Shared Parenting Enforcement Agency." Today ALL correction of children is equated with ABUSE. Mom is free to trash dad in front of the children and block dad's visitation at will; especially if said dad has DARED to move on after he is dumped.
Most divorce filings are filed by MOM not dad. Soon dad has run out of the tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees that he needs to protect his basic parental rights and eventually gives up in hopelessness.
Now mom is free to coddle her child(ren) yet inappropriately give them what I call "A.S.S." (adult spousal status). Junior has the same rights as an adult spouse would in his "single mom" home, making choices as to where they will live, what groceries they will buy and often privy to adult conversation as Junior becomes mommy's "shoulder to cry on." Junior likes his "adult" status and when dad tries to institute normal parent/child relationship on his time, providing he is "allowed" it by mom, he is rebuked by both Junior AND mom. Child Protective Services is often called and trumped up charges against dad are launched. All discipline, boundaries and structure is removed from Junior's life.
Meanwhile mom continues to molly coddle Junior or Sally and when they become a little too unmanageable after some time, she then puts them on MEDS.
Junior/Sally get very little exercise, fresh air, non-junk food meals (mom is too frazzled and depressed to cook), or anything educational. Often fed a steady diet of "Sponge Bob" or such other garbage (have you seen kid's cartoons these days? just a bunch of bodily function noises) Add in a constant stream of video games and an extremely defensive posture by mom to enable and excuse Junior/Sally's negative behavior and VOILA! You have today's messed up, spoiled, lazy, self-absorbed, entitled, narcissistic, wimpy EMO child!
While there is sorrow and loss, the departed is remembered with loving thoughts and words; not true in a divorce where there is often much bitterness and torn loyalty.