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[SATIRE] As Catholic numbers decline, old church tries new tricks
Lark News ^

Posted on 11/16/2013 4:48:41 PM PST by Alex Murphy

MEXICO CITY — Capitalizing on momentum from recent papal events, the Catholic church yesterday acknowledged its “insane jealousy and rabid envy of Pentecostals” in Latin America, and launched an ambitious plan to re-assert itself in countries where it has lost ground.

Fleets of CC-Mobiles, new roving confession and Communion trucks, are plying neighborhoods in Mexico and the U.S.

“When I heard the tinkling music, I thought it was the ice cream man, so I sent the kids out with money,” says Maria Gonzalez. “Then I saw a priest at the wheel. He invited us into the truck to have brightly-colored Communion wafers and confess anything we needed to confess. I have to admit, it was convenient.”

The Church hopes to appeal to youth with Radical Rosary conferences. The PromiseKeepers-style events will promote church rituals under new names like “Man Your Stations” stations of the Cross and “Kickin’-It Confessionals” which Church literature describes as “hang-out sessions with priests where you can talk about anything that’s on your mind except subjects relating to child abuse.” Priests are also distributing bumper stickers that say, “Sì, Catolico!” and “Catholic … And Cool.”

But long term success depends on the new pope, they say.

“We are excited about the potential of our 78-year-old German conservative pope to dazzle people with his proven ‘rock star quality,’” says a priest from Oaxaca. “He will help us take back ground we conquered five hundred years ago.” •


TOPICS: Catholic; Humor; Ministry/Outreach
KEYWORDS:

Fleets of CC-Mobiles, new roving confession and Communion trucks, are plying neighborhoods in Mexico and the U.S.... The Church hopes to appeal to youth with Radical Rosary conferences. The PromiseKeepers-style events will promote church rituals under new names like “Man Your Stations” stations of the Cross and “Kickin’-It Confessionals” which Church literature describes as “hang-out sessions with priests where you can talk about anything that’s on your mind except subjects relating to child abuse.” Priests are also distributing bumper stickers that say, “Sì, Catolico!” and “Catholic … And Cool.”

See related:
"Confessional car" designed for tourists' needs
College students create confessional in a car

1 posted on 11/16/2013 4:48:41 PM PST by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy

That’s tackier than anything I’ve ever seen some white-suited, blowdried televangelist do. Does it play kiddie music so it can be heard coming from blocks away? Danger, danger Dr. Smith, lol. The driver of that one needs to stay out of the communion wine before driving, too, looking at the recent dents.


2 posted on 11/16/2013 4:55:38 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
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To: Alex Murphy

“...yesterday acknowledged its “insane jealousy and rabid envy of Pentecostals” in Latin America...”

_______________________________

LOL! How and where was this done...and by whom? Lol!

I notice that the website producing this article also offers horoscopes. Could it be that we are getting a rather distorted “reporting” from this group?

;-o


3 posted on 11/16/2013 4:57:31 PM PST by SumProVita (Cogito, ergo....Sum Pro Vita - Modified Descartes)
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To: Alex Murphy

Satire alert missing


4 posted on 11/16/2013 4:58:21 PM PST by Dr. Sivana (There's no salvation in politics.)
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To: Alex Murphy

Cute idea. We should get out with the people where they are. You can keep the fluorescent colored Eucharists, though. Nowadays, doing anything close to giving your confession in the public square means you accept the risk that others are probably listening to your stammered litany of inequities.
There’s the NSA, the FBI, PETA, EPA, IRS, and our young (ex) Pal; Monsieur E. Snowden, newly relocated to Siberia.


5 posted on 11/16/2013 4:58:26 PM PST by lee martell
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To: Alex Murphy

Not really new. Catholic Church in America used mobile vans for missionary work in the 30s and 40s.


6 posted on 11/16/2013 5:01:54 PM PST by vladimir998
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To: lee martell

The Roman Catholics need to do something to keep people in the Pews. How about more traditionalist Mass? How about more getting with the people-—Better Music-— Christmas is coming! That should be a big boost.


7 posted on 11/16/2013 5:03:10 PM PST by Forward the Light Brigade (Into the Jaws of H*ll)
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To: Forward the Light Brigade

“Twenty naked Pentecostals in a Pontiac,
Brothers and sisters shoutin’ in the back,
Elders in the front,
choir in the trunk,
Twenty naked Pentecostals in a Pontiac!”


8 posted on 11/16/2013 5:22:24 PM PST by pingman (Trust a lib? Surely you jest!)
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To: Alex Murphy
LOL, I saw what you did!

"On the snow white wings of a ..... Lark!

9 posted on 11/16/2013 5:28:15 PM PST by Col Freeper (FR: A smorgasbord of Conservative Mindfood - dig in and enjoy it!)
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To: pingman

Is that sung to the tune of Beck’s “Two Turntables And A Microphone” ir that oldies soul tune that went “Diamond in the back, sunroof top, diggin’ the scene in a gangsta lean, wooo-oooh,” lol?


10 posted on 11/16/2013 5:28:27 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
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To: RegulatorCountry

Lark News


11 posted on 11/16/2013 5:33:40 PM PST by metmom ( ...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of faith....)
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To: Alex Murphy

Catholics NEVER call the host a “wafer.”


12 posted on 11/16/2013 5:34:09 PM PST by Arthur McGowan
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To: Alex Murphy
“We are excited about the potential of our 78-year-old German conservative pope to dazzle people with his proven ‘rock star quality,’

Was this article from 2005?

13 posted on 11/16/2013 5:36:00 PM PST by ClaytonP
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To: RegulatorCountry

You be the judge: Curtis Mayfield - “Diamond In The Back”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVANQheoRUw


14 posted on 11/16/2013 5:37:22 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
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To: Alex Murphy; metmom; boatbums; caww; presently no screen name; smvoice; Greetings_Puny_Humans; ...
Capitalizing on momentum from recent papal events, the Catholic church yesterday acknowledged its “insane jealousy and rabid envy of Pentecostals” in Latin America, and launched an ambitious plan to re-assert itself in countries where it has lost ground.

Not exactly the Latin Mass, while once again, Rome's preeminence is manifest as being the real goal, not converting the lost, by warring against conservative evangelicals who left Rome due its spiritual deficiencies. Which is now replaced with hype.

“We are excited about the potential of our 78-year-old German conservative pope to dazzle people with his proven ‘rock star quality,’” says a priest from Oaxaca. “He will help us take back ground we conquered five hundred years ago.”

Apparently an old story.

15 posted on 11/16/2013 5:42:35 PM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: RegulatorCountry

I am a former Episcopalian of the strict observance. Let nothing tacky pass before my eyes!

There was a little culture shock involved with my “conversion.”

But recently I realized that Naaman the Syrian probably thought the Jordan was tacky.h


Other than that, it’s nice to see the church in Mexico actually engaging in outreach. When my then (and now late, RIP) pastor and I had a ministry to migrant workers, they were politely reluctant to have us provide them with sacramental and pastoral ministry. Finally we winkled out of them that they thought we were going to CHARGE them! While I think the persecution and oppression of the Catholic Church in Mexico is disgraceful, I do think that a lot of the clergy there are (or have been) dopes.


16 posted on 11/16/2013 5:50:51 PM PST by Mad Dawg (In te, Domine, speravi: non confundar in aeternum.)
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To: SumProVita
Could it be that we are getting a rather distorted “reporting” from this group?

When I heard about colored communion wafers I knew there was a high PPM BS in the article.

17 posted on 11/16/2013 5:52:27 PM PST by Mad Dawg (In te, Domine, speravi: non confundar in aeternum.)
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To: Alex Murphy
Perhaps they just need to learn to put their hands in the air.


18 posted on 11/16/2013 6:09:18 PM PST by Gamecock (If you like your constitution, you can keep your constitution. Period. (M.S.))
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To: Alex Murphy
Why not stick with the clown mass?
19 posted on 11/16/2013 6:09:56 PM PST by Greetings_Puny_Humans (I mostly come out at night... mostly.)
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To: RegulatorCountry

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=twenty%20naked%20pentecostals%20in%20a%20pontiac&source=video&cd=1&ved=0CDUQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D0zVZKtSa6Sw&ei=OCWIUqvzJs_H4APqhoC4Bg&usg=AFQjCNHBEuynGA8TXrS6PfwBmJYxlIGEfQ&sig2=8B7s7p2Sr-s3dqYev4MPSA&bvm=bv.56643336,d.dmg


20 posted on 11/16/2013 6:10:37 PM PST by pingman (Trust a lib? Surely you jest!)
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To: ClaytonP

This article is from Lark News.


21 posted on 11/16/2013 6:17:25 PM PST by metmom ( ...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of faith....)
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To: pingman

That’s actually kind of catchy, got a little Cajun Zydeco thing going on with the scrub board.


22 posted on 11/16/2013 6:20:37 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
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To: Mad Dawg

Different people respond to different messages and ways of reaching out. If they’re teaching Christ risen and forgiveness through repentance then it’s for the good even if it might cause some to wince. That’s been my take on tacky televangelists, happy-clappy megachurches, etc. and it would apply here, too, if it weren’t satire. I was just having a little fun.


23 posted on 11/16/2013 6:31:04 PM PST by RegulatorCountry
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To: Forward the Light Brigade
How about seeing that every Catholic child has access to a solidly Catholic education that doesn't put the worship of Marxist liberation theology before God?
24 posted on 11/16/2013 6:35:39 PM PST by wintertime
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To: Alex Murphy; RegulatorCountry; SumProVita; lee martell; vladimir998; Forward the Light Brigade
"Lark News is an online comedy website satirizing contemporary American Christian culture, specifically evangelicalism. It is written by author and freelance journalist Joel Kilpatrick."


"We are excited about the potential of our 78-year-old German conservative pope to dazzle people with his proven ‘rock star quality,’” says a priest from Oaxaca. “He will help us take back ground we conquered five hundred years ago."


Not only 8th grader satire, but dumb outdated 8th grader satire.

Other than that, as a proton, I protest the waste of electrons.

25 posted on 11/16/2013 7:22:04 PM PST by Mrs. Don-o ( Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes.))
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To: Alex Murphy
As Catholic non-Catholic numbers decline, old new churches try new old tricks
26 posted on 11/16/2013 7:33:16 PM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: daniel1212

2 As to the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered together to him, we beg you, brothers and sisters,[a] 2 not to be quickly shaken in mind or alarmed, either by spirit or by word or by letter, as though from us, to the effect that the day of the Lord is already here. 3 Let no one deceive you in any way; for that day will not come unless the rebellion comes first and the lawless one[b] is revealed, the one destined for destruction.[c] 4 He opposes and exalts himself above every so-called god or object of worship, so that he takes his seat in the temple of God, declaring himself to be God. 5 Do you not remember that I told you these things when I was still with you? 6 And you know what is now restraining him, so that he may be revealed when his time comes. 7 For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work, but only until the one who now restrains it is removed. 8 And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus[d] will destroy[e] with the breath of his mouth, annihilating him by the manifestation of his coming.
2 Thessalonians 2:1-8

the falling away is here as you have well documented. the two witnesses of Revelation are dead ( the Church ) and the world is rejoicing. the remnant has headed to the mountains ( prayer, looking up to clouds waiting for the imminent return of our Lord Jesus Christ )


27 posted on 11/16/2013 8:12:52 PM PST by one Lord one faith one baptism
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To: one Lord one faith one baptism

That’s one way to explain it, and indeed a relative remnant is what is saved, but we disagree where the majority of that resides.


28 posted on 11/16/2013 8:19:29 PM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: daniel1212

well, if your theology is correct, the great falling away or apostasy occurred in the 2nd century and lasted until the 16th century. of course such an occurrence is not Biblical.

the Scriptures show the Church will be here throughout the whole NT time frame, but right before the end of the world and the second coming of Jesus Christ, Satan will be loosed from his chains for a bit and there will be a rebellion or falling away such that Jesus wondered would He find faith on the earth when he returned. we also are told Satan will take his seat in the temple of God during this time of great tribulation. where is the temple of God since Jesus ascended and the Holy Spirit was poured out?? the temple is the Church!
we have been given the benefit of hindsight that Christians living in the first 20 centuries did not have in looking at the Scriptures and seeing which way the wind is blowing. most Americans have been blinded by dispensational nonsense, so the Satanic deception is even stronger.


29 posted on 11/16/2013 8:42:10 PM PST by one Lord one faith one baptism
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To: All
[SATIRE] As Catholic numbers decline, old church tries new tricks

I see the old rules are back. In which case, I guess I'll have to revise the old disclaimers, too. Here's a rough draft, based on the original:


Why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Years ago, a poster claimed that every one of my posts (and I quote) "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. Now I'm appreciative of the compliment, but this is not the place to brag about my I.Q. Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. Posters like these believe that there is a need to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting your brain in the process. Remember that I give you all more credit than that, but it doesn't make it any better if someone else doesn't. Someone else thought that your posts were making you look stupid, and that you needed these warning labels to protect you from yourself.

30 posted on 11/16/2013 8:42:19 PM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: RegulatorCountry

I am WAY too naive! LOL


31 posted on 11/16/2013 8:43:24 PM PST by Mad Dawg (In te, Domine, speravi: non confundar in aeternum.)
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To: RegulatorCountry

We call that a Texas Two-Step on the dance floor. Keeps you moving!


32 posted on 11/16/2013 9:08:56 PM PST by pingman (Trust a lib? Surely you jest!)
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To: Alex Murphy

33 posted on 11/17/2013 4:53:05 AM PST by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
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To: one Lord one faith one baptism; Iscool; GarySpFc; CynicalBear; boatbums; metmom; caww; ...
well, if your theology is correct, the great falling away or apostasy occurred in the 2nd century and lasted until the 16th century. of course such an occurrence is not Biblical.

Well, if your theology is correct, then there was no great falling away that needed reformation in the 16th century, which is one reason for Trent.

Even where Rome had its own headquarters, at the time of the Reformation, the Catholic historian Paul Johnson described the existing social situation among the clergy:

“Probably as many as half the men in orders had ‘wives’ and families. Behind all the New Learning and the theological debates, clerical celibacy was, in its own way, the biggest single issue at the Reformation. It was a great social problem and, other factors being equal, it tended to tip the balance in favour of reform. As a rule, the only hope for a child of a priest was to go into the Church himself, thus unwillingly or with no great enthusiasm, taking vows which he might subsequently regret: the evil tended to perpetuate itself.” (History of Christianity, pgs 269-270)

In the summer of 1536, Pope Paul III appointed Cardinals Contarini and Cafara and a commission to study church Reform. The report of this commission, the Consilium de emendanda ecclesiae, was completed in March 1537. The final paragraphs deal with the corruptions of Renaissance Rome itself:

“the swarm of sordid and ignorant priests in the city, the harlots who are followed around by clerics and by the noble members of the cardinals’ households …” (A.G. Dickens, “The Counter Reformation,” pg. 100)

“… honest manners should flourish in this city and church, mother and teacher of other churches … [yet] whores perambulate like matrons or ride on muleback, with whom noblemen, cardinals, and priests consort in broad daylight …” (cited in Denis R. Janz, “A Reformation Reader, Primary Texts with Introductions,” pg 406.

we have been given the benefit of hindsight that Christians living in the first 20 centuries did not have in looking at the Scriptures and seeing which way the wind is blowing. most Americans have been blinded by dispensational nonsense, so the Satanic deception is even stronger.

The Scriptures teach awaiting Christ's imminent return is to foster holiness, while the present declension is due to becoming more like the world, which Rome effectually fosters now. While when it had temporal power to exercise her claim to "coercive jurisdiction," she conformed to the world in using physical force, torture and murder, to deal with theological nonconformists. Which early Prots had to unlearn.

And it remains that while you want to selectively choose who is a a Catholic, those whom Rome treats as members testify that they are overall more liberal and less unified in conservative mortal views than those who most strongly hold to the supremacy of Scripture as the basically literal supreme authority, which is what RCs attack.

34 posted on 11/17/2013 3:11:05 PM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: daniel1212

there certainly was a reformation needed, one of holiness and following the Apostolic Faith.
what wasn’t needed was the false teachers arising and teaching doctrines not found in the Scriptures and not believed by anyone up until that time.


35 posted on 11/17/2013 4:58:13 PM PST by one Lord one faith one baptism
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To: one Lord one faith one baptism
there certainly was a reformation needed, one of holiness and following the Apostolic Faith. what wasn’t needed was the false teachers arising and teaching doctrines not found in the Scriptures and not believed by anyone up until that time.

That is according to the judgment of Rome, based upon her own self-proclaimed infallibility, which does not make it true. Meanwhile, the idea that Trent corporately simply precisely defined uniformly held beliefs by their statements, and that the Reformers were novel in theirs is contrary to Scripture, as well as some scholarly research.

36 posted on 11/17/2013 6:54:43 PM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: Alex Murphy
I'm a bit late in offering reply...but I'll admit after getting past the opening sentence (one of those ? "!" ? sort of things) but carried along from there far as colored communion wafers before a more serious "duh-waht?" moment.

The Volks are too easily distracted. They'll go for almost anything put in front of them, if you don't mind me saying so, mein fuhrer.

37 posted on 11/17/2013 7:21:32 PM PST by BlueDragon
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To: BlueDragon; Alex Murphy
..before the satire alert was added, and the sirens from the old thread (of course) -- which i did visit yesterday.

Some people have no sense of humor. Take old Joe. Invading the Ukraine -- not that big a deal, at first. Then, the Caucasus (they didn't like that, i-doan'-know-why), but Stalingrad? Joe really lost his sense of humor then.

Some people...born to be sourpusses all their life, I guess.

38 posted on 11/17/2013 7:31:28 PM PST by BlueDragon
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To: daniel1212

There are 3 groups of people on the earth:

The Jews
The Nations (heathen)
The Church (Christians)

None of these groups has any relation to color, education, knowledge, experience, etc.


39 posted on 11/18/2013 8:16:49 AM PST by CyberAnt (MY AMERICA: "... I'm terrified it's slipping away.")
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