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Fear Of Elderly Vatican Priests, Nuns Violently Storming U.S. Embassy Reason For Relocation...
Eye of the Tiber ^ | 12/1/2013

Posted on 12/02/2013 3:47:37 AM PST by markomalley



A security guard outside the U.S. Embassy to the Vatican checks for dangerous religious medals.

ROME (EotT) The recent decision to close the current “free-standing” U.S. Embassy to the Holy See was made because of “growing fears of a Benghazi-like terrorost attack” led by 60 to 90-year-old zealot priests and nuns stationed in the Vatican, the U.S. State Department confirmed today.

The decision has led to sharp criticism by Vatican officials who say that the U.S. has not clearly specified any plot to overtake the embassy. But U.S. intelligence officials say they have been tracking a growing threat against American and Western targets from Vatican’s affiliate organizations and religious orders for the last several weeks.

There has been additional intelligence about a potential attack on the embassy to the Holy See by several leaders of religious orders near and within the Vatican, leading to the Obama administration’s decision to shut down the embassy, and to warn publicly of the threat, U.S. officials tell EOTT.

“Based on the intelligence,” officials say, “there is particular concern about the U.S. Embassy at this time. Today marks the beginning of Advent, and officials say they are concerned about attacks in the days to come.”

The official went on to tell reporters that a higher-than-normal threat stream coming from telephone intercepts have revealed that at least two religious orders have made clear their intentions on “walking to the embassy very, very slowly, and after a little break to catch their breaths, to potentially pelt the embassy with Miraculous Medals.”

“We need to take every precaution that we can,” one official said. “Some zealots are very, very angry about the Obamacare mandate requiring that insurance provide free coverage for contraception and sterilization services and drugs they consider abortion-inducing. We believe they may be planning to attack with other religious medals as well, and to violently say rosaries in front of the embassy to perhaps try and convert the hearts and minds of U.S. officials. We must take every precaution that such a thing does not happen.”


TOPICS: Catholic; Humor
KEYWORDS: satire
Full title: Fear Of Elderly Vatican Priests, Nuns Violently Storming U.S. Embassy Reason For Relocation, U.S. State Department Confirms

You've been warned.

1 posted on 12/02/2013 3:47:37 AM PST by markomalley
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To: markomalley

You can tell the really dangerous ones by their scapulars.


2 posted on 12/02/2013 3:53:18 AM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: markomalley

Suicide Nuns? No...nuns with pointers and yardsticks ready to give me noogies and crack my knuckles...that is my nightmare.


3 posted on 12/02/2013 3:55:02 AM PST by Vaquero (Don't pick a fight with an old guy. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.)
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To: markomalley

What difference does it make now?


4 posted on 12/02/2013 3:55:50 AM PST by neodad (USS Vincennes (CG-49) Freedom's Fortress)
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To: shibumi

It’s that pointy hat the Pope wears....looks sharp and dangerous to me....he could gore somebody!


5 posted on 12/02/2013 4:21:03 AM PST by JoeDetweiler
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To: JoeDetweiler

You leave Gore out of this!


6 posted on 12/02/2013 4:25:13 AM PST by muir_redwoods (Don't fire until you see the blue of their helmets)
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To: markomalley

Please put “humor” or “satire” in headline. I highly resent having my time wasted by a juvenile FReeper who rings the digital doorbell and then runs away. Cheap. Shallow. Childish.


7 posted on 12/02/2013 4:51:59 AM PST by Mamzelle
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To: markomalley
Aha! Your clever little satire avoids all mention of the albino monk assassins, the holy flying monkeys, and the giant database in the Vatican basement! /s
8 posted on 12/02/2013 4:53:16 AM PST by Campion ("Social justice" begins in the womb)
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To: markomalley

Fear the Dominicans. “The Hounds of God.”


9 posted on 12/02/2013 5:16:05 AM PST by PowderMonkey (WILL WORK FOR AMMO)
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To: markomalley
Just for being cheap, shallow and childish .....


10 posted on 12/02/2013 5:22:51 AM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: shibumi

No! Not the comfy chair! !


11 posted on 12/02/2013 5:34:02 AM PST by markomalley (Nothing emboldens the wicked so greatly as the lack of courage on the part of the good -- Leo XIII)
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To: markomalley

Your digital doorbell won’t save you now, Old Woman!

(Pardon me while I go mix some more metaphors.)


12 posted on 12/02/2013 5:36:08 AM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: markomalley

Yeah, but some of those old nuns can be really tough.....


13 posted on 12/02/2013 6:26:04 AM PST by metmom ( ...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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To: shibumi

I always knew those sisters had some bad habits...


14 posted on 12/02/2013 6:27:40 AM PST by MrB (The difference between a Humanist and a Satanist - the latter admits whom he's working for)
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To: MrB

They seemed perpetually cross with me.


15 posted on 12/02/2013 6:37:50 AM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: Mamzelle

Please put “humor” or “satire” in headline.

&&&
The blurb didn’t tip you off? Yipes!


16 posted on 12/02/2013 6:52:48 AM PST by Bigg Red (Let me hear what God the LORD will speak. -Ps85)
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To: shibumi

Now, now, we’ll have nun of that!


17 posted on 12/02/2013 6:54:03 AM PST by Bigg Red (Let me hear what God the LORD will speak. -Ps85)
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To: Bigg Red

Watch yer step or you’ll get yer knuckles ctacked by Sister Mary Immaculata of the Holy Tree of Jerusalem and Sister May Moses of the Burning Bush All Lit Up!


18 posted on 12/02/2013 7:52:06 AM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: markomalley

Oh, thank goodness this is satire.


19 posted on 12/02/2013 8:25:18 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: Campion

Oh dear God...not the flying monkeys!!!


20 posted on 12/02/2013 8:54:05 AM PST by Conservative4Ever (A pox on the House of Apple and the ios7 horse they rode in on.)
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To: Mamzelle; markomalley
You didn't notice "The Eye of the Tiber" 1 mm below the headline?

That didn't "signify" to you, when every dagnab piece of Humor and Satire, circled in red, nailed onto the Wittenburg Door of the Free Republic by our own dear markomalley, comes from "The Eye of the Tiber"??

There may be another test of your critical reading competence coming up in the near future. If I were you, I would sharpen up my skills by quickly jabbing the little arrow thingie in he upper left hand corner that says "go pack one page".

I hope this helps.

21 posted on 12/02/2013 10:43:38 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o (It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o; Mamzelle; markomalley

I’m not what you’d call a “doctrinaire Catholic” but I went through 16 years of parochial education.

One of the great gifts of that system, in addition to rigorous attention to discipline in the early years is the wealth of material they gifted us for humorous use in our adulthood.

The Nuns and Priests of my childhood live on as great caricatures of warmth and humor and in a few select cases the greatest intellects I have yet to come across.

They themselves would cringe at the notion that they could not be made fun of.


22 posted on 12/02/2013 12:39:34 PM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: shibumi

You must have been a naughty child.


23 posted on 12/02/2013 12:46:45 PM PST by Bigg Red (Let me hear what God the LORD will speak. -Ps85)
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To: Bigg Red

Very much so.


24 posted on 12/02/2013 12:50:27 PM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: Mamzelle

I would have thought the idea of geriatric priests and religious trying to go Tehran 1979 on any embassy should have been a huge tipoff.


25 posted on 12/02/2013 1:11:15 PM PST by RichInOC (2013-14 Tiber Swim Team)
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To: Mrs. Don-o
I want it in the headline.

Hope that helps.

Ring, ring.

26 posted on 12/02/2013 7:05:08 PM PST by Mamzelle
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To: shibumi

Well, I was a very well-behaved little girl in my Catholic school. Never got physical punishment — except at home.


27 posted on 12/03/2013 5:53:07 AM PST by Bigg Red (Let me hear what God the LORD will speak. -Ps85)
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To: Bigg Red

So “Bigg Red” is a girl?

Hmmmmm........ Life is just full of surprises.

(Red hair? Loved the 80s?)


28 posted on 12/03/2013 5:58:47 AM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: shibumi

Yes, red hair. Nickname from the husband.

I would not have used the name if I had foreseen how often I FReepers would think I am a guy. Oh, well.... I have tried to change it, but I don’t know how to.


29 posted on 12/03/2013 2:47:55 PM PST by Bigg Red (Let me hear what God the LORD will speak. -Ps85)
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To: Bigg Red

Just off the get-go I assumed (bad habit - I know) that I was talking to a Ruddy Viking.

Not that that’s a bad thing.


30 posted on 12/03/2013 3:02:47 PM PST by shibumi (Cover it with gas and set it on fire.)
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To: Mamzelle

Geesh! Lighten up, Frances.


31 posted on 12/03/2013 3:18:12 PM PST by Cyber Liberty (H.L. Mencken: "The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.")
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