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[SATIRE] Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion
CAP News ^ | CAP News Staff

Posted on 12/05/2013 7:24:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy

BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents.

"Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind."

According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses.

"Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."

The new wafer is the first part of a multi-year branding effort by the Catholic Church to try to inject some life into what many consider to be a stale, outdated religion. The endeavor, dubbed transsubflavorization by the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops, aims to double the membership in two-thirds of congregations within three years, and put the Church back on the path to profitability.

"We have been hurting in that coveted 24-39 demographic for a long time," said New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. "Our goal is to take that holier-than-thou Christmas crowd and get them to show up in the dead of summer when we've got no particular focus and nothing new to say.

"We think programs like Sin-Free Sundays, Double Points Redemption Confessional, and the new Wii Mass will return Catholicism to the glory days of the Crusades," added Dolan.

Egan said Catholic leaders have a littany of other plans they hope to put in place over the course of time to both modernize and energize the religious experience. One forward-thinking concept, the often hotly-debated idea of anointing women as priests, would likely be implemented "only over my crucified body," said Dolan.


TOPICS: Catholic; Humor; Religion & Culture
KEYWORDS: satire
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According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses. "Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."
1 posted on 12/05/2013 7:24:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy
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To: All

If you can read, you've been warned.

2 posted on 12/05/2013 7:27:02 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy

In bad taste all round. (The flavoring would render the matter invalid—but you did get me to click the link.)


3 posted on 12/05/2013 7:29:12 AM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G.K. Chesterton))
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To: Alex Murphy

I could actually see this happening at the chapel at Notre Dame—or maybe Georgetown.


4 posted on 12/05/2013 7:29:41 AM PST by SC_Pete
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To: Alex Murphy

Hah! At first glance, I thought it said “flavored Communism.”


5 posted on 12/05/2013 7:30:30 AM PST by C. Edmund Wright (Tokyo Rove is more than a name, it's a GREAT WEBSITE)
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To: Alex Murphy
For a second I thought it said "Flavored Communism".

6 posted on 12/05/2013 7:30:45 AM PST by BitWielder1 (Corporate Profits are better than Government Waste)
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To: Alex Murphy

Its soo hard to tell these days


7 posted on 12/05/2013 7:30:59 AM PST by driftdiver (I could eat it raw, but why do that when I have a fire.)
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To: Hieronymus; Alex Murphy

I agree about the flavoring making the host invalid. Is that correct or not, Alex?


8 posted on 12/05/2013 7:31:32 AM PST by MSSC6644 (Defeat Satan: pray the Rosary.)
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To: Alex Murphy

Got any Orios?


9 posted on 12/05/2013 7:35:28 AM PST by shove_it (long ago Orwell and Rand warned us of Obama’s America)
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To: Alex Murphy

IBTSC

(In before the satirically challenged)


10 posted on 12/05/2013 7:36:01 AM PST by freedomlover
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To: MSSC6644; Alex Murphy
It tweaked (twerked?) my interest sufficiently so that I clicked on some of their other stories:

Amazon Offers Discounts For Torching Retail Stores

2nd Annual Cyberstalking Saturday A Success

And BTW, flavoring thing would render the matter of the Eucharist invalid.

11 posted on 12/05/2013 7:36:09 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o ("Faith with love is the faith of Christians; without love, it is the faith of demons." - Ven. Bede)
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To: Alex Murphy

Careful! There is no satire so outlandish and bizarre that it will not be taken seriously by a goodly number of readers.


12 posted on 12/05/2013 7:36:33 AM PST by count-your-change (you don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough)
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To: Alex Murphy
Flavored communion?

Pssh. My church is more modern that that.


13 posted on 12/05/2013 7:39:08 AM PST by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: Alex Murphy

Not really funny.


14 posted on 12/05/2013 7:49:46 AM PST by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: Gamecock; markomalley

Satire Ping


15 posted on 12/05/2013 7:50:25 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Responsibility2nd
"the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers"

Are they saying Jesus tastes bland? Did they get that idea from Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code," or are the corporate manufacturers of the wafer using sub-par Jesus flesh?


16 posted on 12/05/2013 7:54:19 AM PST by thetallguy24
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To: thetallguy24
Are they saying Jesus tastes bland? Did they get that idea from Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code," or are the corporate manufacturers of the wafer using sub-par Jesus flesh?

ROTFL!
Breaded bliss [one company makes 80% of all Catholic Eucharist wafers sold worldwide]
[2012] Midwest drought to impact altar bread prices

17 posted on 12/05/2013 8:01:07 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Cicero

Funny or not isn’t really the point. With some posters, it’s a wondrous relief to see that they finally realize their posts are fiction.


18 posted on 12/05/2013 8:03:17 AM PST by Hegewisch Dupa
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Comment #19 Removed by Moderator

To: Hegewisch Dupa

Very nice point Hegewisch.


20 posted on 12/05/2013 8:10:42 AM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G.K. Chesterton))
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