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[SATIRE] Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion
CAP News ^ | CAP News Staff

Posted on 12/05/2013 7:24:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy

BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents.

"Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind."

According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses.

"Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."

The new wafer is the first part of a multi-year branding effort by the Catholic Church to try to inject some life into what many consider to be a stale, outdated religion. The endeavor, dubbed transsubflavorization by the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops, aims to double the membership in two-thirds of congregations within three years, and put the Church back on the path to profitability.

"We have been hurting in that coveted 24-39 demographic for a long time," said New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. "Our goal is to take that holier-than-thou Christmas crowd and get them to show up in the dead of summer when we've got no particular focus and nothing new to say.

"We think programs like Sin-Free Sundays, Double Points Redemption Confessional, and the new Wii Mass will return Catholicism to the glory days of the Crusades," added Dolan.

Egan said Catholic leaders have a littany of other plans they hope to put in place over the course of time to both modernize and energize the religious experience. One forward-thinking concept, the often hotly-debated idea of anointing women as priests, would likely be implemented "only over my crucified body," said Dolan.


TOPICS: Catholic; Humor; Religion & Culture
KEYWORDS: satire
According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses. "Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."
1 posted on 12/05/2013 7:24:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy
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To: All

If you can read, you've been warned.

2 posted on 12/05/2013 7:27:02 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy

In bad taste all round. (The flavoring would render the matter invalid—but you did get me to click the link.)


3 posted on 12/05/2013 7:29:12 AM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G.K. Chesterton))
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To: Alex Murphy

I could actually see this happening at the chapel at Notre Dame—or maybe Georgetown.


4 posted on 12/05/2013 7:29:41 AM PST by SC_Pete
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To: Alex Murphy

Hah! At first glance, I thought it said “flavored Communism.”


5 posted on 12/05/2013 7:30:30 AM PST by C. Edmund Wright (Tokyo Rove is more than a name, it's a GREAT WEBSITE)
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To: Alex Murphy
For a second I thought it said "Flavored Communism".

6 posted on 12/05/2013 7:30:45 AM PST by BitWielder1 (Corporate Profits are better than Government Waste)
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To: Alex Murphy

Its soo hard to tell these days


7 posted on 12/05/2013 7:30:59 AM PST by driftdiver (I could eat it raw, but why do that when I have a fire.)
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To: Hieronymus; Alex Murphy

I agree about the flavoring making the host invalid. Is that correct or not, Alex?


8 posted on 12/05/2013 7:31:32 AM PST by MSSC6644 (Defeat Satan: pray the Rosary.)
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To: Alex Murphy

Got any Orios?


9 posted on 12/05/2013 7:35:28 AM PST by shove_it (long ago Orwell and Rand warned us of Obama’s America)
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To: Alex Murphy

IBTSC

(In before the satirically challenged)


10 posted on 12/05/2013 7:36:01 AM PST by freedomlover
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To: MSSC6644; Alex Murphy
It tweaked (twerked?) my interest sufficiently so that I clicked on some of their other stories:

Amazon Offers Discounts For Torching Retail Stores

2nd Annual Cyberstalking Saturday A Success

And BTW, flavoring thing would render the matter of the Eucharist invalid.

11 posted on 12/05/2013 7:36:09 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o ("Faith with love is the faith of Christians; without love, it is the faith of demons." - Ven. Bede)
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To: Alex Murphy

Careful! There is no satire so outlandish and bizarre that it will not be taken seriously by a goodly number of readers.


12 posted on 12/05/2013 7:36:33 AM PST by count-your-change (you don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough)
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To: Alex Murphy
Flavored communion?

Pssh. My church is more modern that that.


13 posted on 12/05/2013 7:39:08 AM PST by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: Alex Murphy

Not really funny.


14 posted on 12/05/2013 7:49:46 AM PST by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: Gamecock; markomalley

Satire Ping


15 posted on 12/05/2013 7:50:25 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Responsibility2nd
"the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers"

Are they saying Jesus tastes bland? Did they get that idea from Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code," or are the corporate manufacturers of the wafer using sub-par Jesus flesh?


16 posted on 12/05/2013 7:54:19 AM PST by thetallguy24
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To: thetallguy24
Are they saying Jesus tastes bland? Did they get that idea from Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code," or are the corporate manufacturers of the wafer using sub-par Jesus flesh?

ROTFL!
Breaded bliss [one company makes 80% of all Catholic Eucharist wafers sold worldwide]
[2012] Midwest drought to impact altar bread prices

17 posted on 12/05/2013 8:01:07 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Cicero

Funny or not isn’t really the point. With some posters, it’s a wondrous relief to see that they finally realize their posts are fiction.


18 posted on 12/05/2013 8:03:17 AM PST by Hegewisch Dupa
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Comment #19 Removed by Moderator

To: Hegewisch Dupa

Very nice point Hegewisch.


20 posted on 12/05/2013 8:10:42 AM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G.K. Chesterton))
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Comment #21 Removed by Moderator

To: Alex Murphy
Bad-taste satire and therefore non-humorous.

A waste of FR space and freepers' time.

Leni

22 posted on 12/05/2013 8:21:12 AM PST by MinuteGal
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To: Alex Murphy
"Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings...
Is that Jesus I hear laughing? (No, I think it's someone else.)
23 posted on 12/05/2013 8:23:51 AM PST by mlizzy ("If people spent an hour a week in Eucharistic Adoration, abortion would be ended." --Mother Teresa)
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To: Alex Murphy; markomalley
According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz.

I once attended a Nazarene Church and they served Saltines.

24 posted on 12/05/2013 8:24:13 AM PST by Gamecock (If you like your constitution, you can keep your constitution. Period. (M.S.))
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To: MSSC6644; Alex Murphy

I agree about the flavoring making the host invalid. Is that correct or not, Alex?


I wouldn’t rely on Alex for a correct answer on this one—his current tag line is to be commended for truth in advertising.

Canon 924 makes it clear that for the Latin Rite, which covers all that the piece deals with, all that is involved as food is wheat (add water to make dough, flatten, and heat). The eastern rite does have slightly different standards on what is allowed—with the notable difference being yeast.

While there have been more precise definitions given, particularly of what constitutes wheat (much to Alex’s interest apparently), suffice it to say that messing around with this stuff is playing with fire, and literally trying to construct a Jesus that is more to one’s taste—perhaps an apt metaphor for those who have to rely on their own private judgment, and wittingly or not end up constructing a false god in their own image.


25 posted on 12/05/2013 8:29:14 AM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G.K. Chesterton))
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To: Alex Murphy

Protesters Question Clergyman’s Loyalty
At Archbishop Jose Gomez Residence

Dozens of protesters have shown up at Archbishop of Los Angelus Jose Gomez residence many carrying American flags and bearing signs questioning his loyalty to the US not Mexico along with many signs demanding equal rights for American citizens in Mexico.

The protest was apparently triggered by the clerics decision to push forward with his predecessors decision the disgraced Cardinal Mahoney with offering amnesty thus citizenship to Mexicans crossing the border illegally while thousands of Americans in Mexico suffer under 2nd class citizenship unable to own property and suffer indignitys let alone participate in Mexican elections while living there in Mexico.

A spokeswoman for the group, Harriet Hildegarden insisted her group consists of Catholics loyal to the church. “We will be protesting at other locations where prominent clergy of the church have sided with the Obama regime”Hildy” claims the church is supporting the democrat party which denied God at their convention and declared what she claims is war on the Catholics but would collude with i t on many issues including “amnesty” .

When asked if she may be denied communion for her activities her reply was “Well it’s been known that when that happens quicker when clerics get personally attacked than when some politican challanges the church on the grounds of faith and morals” . You didn’t hear much from them (the bishops) about the Gosnell baby murderer trial. Now that it’s winding up perhaps the bishops might call a “conference” next year but they sure acted swiftly when it comes to allowing this country resigning its sovereign rights new parishioners.

http://www.theusmat.com/natldesksatire.htm


26 posted on 12/05/2013 8:36:15 AM PST by mosesdapoet (Serious contribution pause.Please continue onto meaningless venting no one reads.)
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Comment #27 Removed by Moderator

To: Alex Murphy

Thanks for the warning. I missed it above.


28 posted on 12/05/2013 8:45:53 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: Alex Murphy
Well, Boston is the home of Necco.
29 posted on 12/05/2013 8:47:13 AM PST by RichInOC (2013-14 Tiber Swim Team)
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To: RichInOC
Well, Boston is the home of Necco.

Spittake

30 posted on 12/05/2013 8:50:02 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy

Agree. Not funny. However, for those interested in different flavors of funny, here’s a distracting clip from AMC TV.

Madrigal Industries Taste Test: Behind the Scenes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXT-g0bhwxg


31 posted on 12/05/2013 8:56:30 AM PST by LurkedLongEnough
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To: thetallguy24

It isn’t that I have no sense of humour—though Alex just doesn’t strike me as funny today, and the post is in poor taste.

If it was a Baptist satirizing his own denomination, I might consider something prolonged about the subject funny if well written etc. I have a variety of Baptist relatives and ancestors, and do know some good Baptist jokes received from those quarters. (Why are Baptists again sex? Because it might lead to dancing.) Otherwise, no.

That said, given what Alex declares himself in his tag line, and that some Catholics these days are very on edge, I think the post is more along the lines of taunting.


32 posted on 12/05/2013 9:01:04 AM PST by Hieronymus ( (It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. --G.K. Chesterton))
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To: Alex Murphy
This would be funny if stuff like this didn't actually happen.

A few years ago, my diocesan newspaper ran an article on how the kids in one parish baked the communion "bread". They gave their "bread" recipe, which made something between a graham cracker and a gingersnap, but definitely was not valid matter for communion.

That was right after our new bishop had taken over. I think there were some memoranda and telephone calls after that. I haven't heard any more about graham-cracker communion "bread" since.

33 posted on 12/05/2013 9:01:26 AM PST by Campion ("Social justice" begins in the womb)
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To: Campion
This would be funny if stuff like this didn't actually happen.

That's why it's called satire.

34 posted on 12/05/2013 9:25:55 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy

Calling reality “satire” doesn’t make it funny, sorry.


35 posted on 12/05/2013 10:43:49 AM PST by Campion ("Social justice" begins in the womb)
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To: Alex Murphy; Gamecock; Cicero; Salvation
Sorry...this one missed the mark. (And, no, I get the point was not as much to mock Catholic belief on transubstantiation as to mock AMCHURCH on their political correctness (polyunsaturated fat and all))
36 posted on 12/05/2013 12:55:57 PM PST by markomalley (Nothing emboldens the wicked so greatly as the lack of courage on the part of the good -- Leo XIII)
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To: markomalley; Gamecock
Sorry...this one missed the mark. (And, no, I get the point was not as much to mock Catholic belief on transubstantiation as to mock AMCHURCH™ on their political correctness (polyunsaturated fat and all))

My favorite line in the entire article is this:

"The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."
I love the imagery of the bolded section. I would not have posted the article if that had not been in there.
37 posted on 12/05/2013 1:05:09 PM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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