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Eye Of The Tiber 2013 Year In Review
Eye of the Tiber ^ | 12/31/2013

Posted on 12/31/2013 3:59:18 AM PST by markomalley

This January, Canadian pastor Ben Gregor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours after no laity could be found to bring the gifts up to the altar. After being questioned as to why there needed be anyone to bring up the gifts, Gregor justified his decision telling EOTT that, “Without Mary’s Fiat, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus.” Later that month near riots broke out in Baker, Oregon after female parishioners became outraged that men were not also being asked to set the altar before Mass.

In February, parishioners were mystified by the sudden appearance of a mysterious “shiny, golden box,” which turned out to be a tabernacle. Later that month, Vatican insiders confirmed that the reason Benedict XVI resigned was because the Roman Curia was too “fabulous” for him, revealing that Benedict was a simple man who could not keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, hair stylings, or near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.

Berkley sophomore Emanuel Ramsey revealed that he was extremely nervous about possibly coming out of the closet to friends and fellow classmates about his opposition to gay marriage in March, saying that “I’ve been living a lie and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of hiding who I really am.” In the meantime at the Vatican, in a show of humility, Pope Francis picked up a midnight shift at McDonald’s to help the poor. The manager at the McDonald’s reportedly said that although His Holiness was “ridiculously overqualified” for the job, that he didn’t exactly know how to say no to him.

The following month in April, Pope Francis made his television debut in the show Undercover Boss where he went undercover to investigate the Roman Curia. At Gonzaga University, a new text message Mass became all the rage as students were finally able to respond to the priest with their cell phones. ”The priest texted everyone, ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ said one student. “It was awesome.” Nearing the end of the month, Catholics around the country were shocked when the Catholic television network EWTN inexplicably and “for absolutely no good reason whatsoever” decided to pick up TV show Life on the Rock for yet another season. One EWTN viewer said in response to the news, “I just don’t know. Sometimes I just wonder how a good and loving God could allow something like this to happen…season after season.”

Come we now to May and June where a 17-year-old homeschool boy was able to figure out the Trinity while his mother combed his hair in the kitchen. In the U.S. millions were forced to miss the Pope’s global Holy Hour due to “super busy schedules.” ”I’m just absolutely swamped right now,” millions said in unison. “I hardly have time to breathe. I mean, I know that’s a bad excuse and all, but it’s just…you know,” millions of Catholics, located everywhere from Rome to Venezuela reported. Big news out of Fairbanks, Arkansas came in June when the local diocese obtained and email address to evangelize the modern world.”Once our modem is hooked up, we will be able to take part in the world wide webs,” a diocesan official said. In political news, after reporting that late-term abortion was sacred ground to her, Nancy Pelosi went on to say that virgin sacrifices at Black Masses were also sacred ground to her. And cooking celebrity Paula Deen was not in hot water after using an anti-Catholic slur.

In July and August, the second miracle attributed to John XXIII was confirmed after, what the Vatican called an “inexplicable surge of supernatural endurance” when Murrieta man was able sit through the entire St. Therese film in one sitting. Also that month, One million young-adults visited Rio de Janeiro to see Pope Francis on a gigantic screen, many of whom looked at their phone screens as they recorded the larger screen showing the Holy Father. On his way back from Rio, Pope Francis sent shockwaves through the Catholic Church after The New York Times reported that he had declared homosexuality obligatory for all Catholics. “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge, and would it not be judgmental for me to not require all Catholics to walk in his footsteps?” The New York Times reported him as saying. A Maestro who conducted his symphonies with his back facing the audience was labelled a “Radical Traditional.” A new California Law forced parishes to switch to e-thuribles. Pope Francis called director Zack Snyder to complain about his choice to cast Ben Affleck as Batman, and a bitter old man wrote an angry letter in all caps to the Vatican.

September, October, November, December, go. An Argentinian man whose every word was misconstrued and misrepresented by the media thought that a 12,000 word interview would be a good idea. “Sure, the media has made mistakes,” he said. “But you know, I believe fifth chances.” Later in October, Benedict finally broke his silence with a letter written to a prominent Italian atheist. The atheist denied the existence of a letter saying that anyone who believed in such a letter was “deceiving themselves.” At a local Clown Mass in November, a clown was reprimanded for honking the Sanctus Horn at the wrong part of the consecration, the music of Marty Haugen was outlawed under a new Geneva Convention Resolution, and a man dressed as a tabernacle at a Haloween party was promptly ignored, and moved to the corner of the room. A new study was released by Catholics and non-Catholics that all that really matters in life is having a good heart. A man dropped a $10 bill in the donation basket like he was some kind of Beverly Hills Millionaire, and Pope Francis named 2014 “The Year of Terror.”

Behold, another few minutes of your life has passed and you’ve chosen to waste it on a stupid little satirical recap of a stupid little satirical website rather than spending that time praying for the holy souls in Purgatory. For shame. Now go on and say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers. See you next week.


TOPICS: Catholic; Humor
KEYWORDS: romancatholicism; satire

You have been warned

1 posted on 12/31/2013 3:59:19 AM PST by markomalley
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To: markomalley

This passes for humor now. Actually, there was no fore-”WARNING”. Not even a snark tag. What’s your deal, anyway?


2 posted on 12/31/2013 4:55:45 AM PST by RitaOK ( VIVA CHRISTO REY / Public education is the farm team for more Marxists coming.)
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To: markomalley

reading that was penance enough....even though it was well done!!


3 posted on 12/31/2013 9:42:43 PM PST by terycarl
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