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How God Healed Me from My Abortion One woman's story of abortion, forgiveness, and grace
Aquila Report ^ | January 24, 2014 | Kevin DeYoung

Posted on 01/24/2014 6:37:18 AM PST by Gamecock

There are a lot of things that can and should be said on this the 41st anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I thought the best thing for this blog might be to let someone else say something.

Andi was one of my wife’s friends at Gordon College. Since graduating over a decade ago, they’ve kept up here and there like most people do–by Facebook. last November we saw Andi post her story about how she had an abortion while in college, and how she later received God’s grace for this sin. She gave me permission to re-post her story on my blog. It is honest, moving, heartbreaking, full of the gospel and full of hope.

Thirteen years ago, I had an abortion and I was completely alone. When I saw that pregnancy test, I was scared to death. I was 20. I was attending a Christian college. It was not ok that I was pregnant. But at the same time, the thought of that baby already growing inside me brought me unbelievable joy. I remember actually forcing myself to stop smiling before I went in to tell my boyfriend the news. When I walked in, he was sitting there with the phone book open to Planned Parenthood.

“You can’t have this baby,” he said. “It will ruin my future,” he said.

Those words have haunted me for years. They are disgusting and unbelievable. But at the same time, today they are almost laughable. Why would I allow someone to say that to me? Why would I hear these words coming from this immature boys’ mouth, and think, “Man, I don’t wanna lose this guy, so I better do what he says?” Since that time I have thought of countless, usually inappropriate, responses to his words. I have pictured myself throwing something in his face, stomping out of his apartment, and taking the train home, to carry and raise that baby by myself. I have replayed over and over again in my head how things could have gone so differently that day. How I could have stood up for myself and done what was right. How I could have told someone- just one person about my pregnancy and I probably would have made a different choice.

I am overwhelmed with how immature and stupid I was. How blind I was. I was convinced I had no choice. I couldn’t tell anyone. I was ashamed I was pregnant. I was ashamed I had been sleeping with my boyfriend. I was ashamed I was considering abortion. My life was filled with shame.

There seemed to be no escape. And this boy acted like this was the easiest, simplest and most obvious choice on the planet. He even called Planned Parenthood for me as I sat there sobbing on the bed. He would have made the appointment for me too, but the lady on the phone said I had to do it. So there I sat, sobbing into the phone. And she let me make the appointment. She didn’t ask if this was what I really wanted. She didn’t suggest I call back after I calmed down. Nope. I was sobbing so uncontrollably that I could barely speak, but she scheduled an appointment. And I went. It seems so obvious now. Just don’t go. But in that moment. I was 20, I was “in love,” I was scared, I was alone.

People often wonder, “How can someone be so hateful and heartless to make a decision to kill your own baby?” I don’t tell this story so people will feel bad for me. I tell it so people might be able to see why someone would make this decision. No one should. But it’s easy for me to understand how a young, lonely, desperate, and scared girl can make that decision. Someone makes that decision when there is no hope. I would go back and do it differently if I could. But it’s done. And when it was done, a piece of me died. I have been missing a piece of me since that day.

My boyfriend didn’t want to talk about it. He told me to move on. I held it in. I told no one. I immediately became depressed, filled with suicidal thoughts, and eventually had a severe panic attack. But still I kept silent. I became a very good actress. I could fake a smile like nobody’s business. I had been living with my roommate, Gwyn, for the previous two years. I told her everything. But I couldn’t tell her this. I was so afraid people would judge me and hate me for what I did. I hated me for what I did. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to ever be forgiven. I killed my baby. I didn’t deserve to live. So I went on pretending. Going through the motions and crying myself to sleep every night. My life went on like this for another 2 or 3 years until finally, one night I revealed it to Gwyn, who obviously didn’t judge me or hate me, but supported me and loved me.

Over those years of secrecy, and in the few years following, when I started opening up to a few people, I began learning about grace. Growing up in the church, I thought I knew what grace was, but I had no idea. I didn’t want God to forgive me for what I had done. I never wanted to stop torturing myself with thoughts of what happened. But a wise woman said to me that if I don’t accept God’s forgiveness and grace, that’s like saying Jesus dying on the cross wasn’t enough. Is that what I was saying? God’s sacrifice on the cross, his grace and mercy being poured out for this broken, sinful world, wasn’t enough to take away MY sin? It took years to sink in, but now I know that when Jesus hung there on that cross, with the sins of the world bearing down on his perfect soul, he saw me. He saw my face. He saw me lying in that abortion clinic. 2000 years ago He knew what I was going to do. And He gave His life for me anyway. He took the punishment for my sin. THAT particular sin, as well as all the others. When He died, and when my heart broke because of my own sin, I was forgiven. I was set free. That is exactly why Jesus died on the cross, because we were all going to do things that are completely unforgivable.

We are all guilty. But God doesn’t want me to live a life filled with guilt. He wants me to live a life filled with joy. And now, when I think about my baby, my heart misses her and my arms long for her, but I know I am forgiven. I can live my life. I can forgive myself. I have forgiven myself. And I have accepted God’s forgiveness. And I have peace and hope, knowing, in the next life, when I get to my real home, I will see her again.

I praise God for women like Andi who share their stories of guilt, grace, and gratitude (you read the whole thing here). I praise God for good friends like Gwyn. I praise God for every politician working to make abortion less available and less frequent. I praise God for every crisis pregnancy center and women’s shelter. I praise God for loving churches. I praise God for adoption agencies and adoptive parents. I praise God for every mom who chooses life. And I praise God that there is grace in Christ for the women–and the complicit men–who didn’t.

TOPICS: General Discusssion

1 posted on 01/24/2014 6:37:18 AM PST by Gamecock
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To: Gamecock

I don’t understand how so many people on “our side” can say that abortion is a wedge issue and we shouldn’t talk about it so much. How can any of us decry the millions that were killed under communism and fascism and overlook the millions that have been killed in the 41 years since this has been legalized in our own country?

2 posted on 01/24/2014 6:55:08 AM PST by Old Teufel Hunden
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To: Gamecock

Its long past time that young boys should be raised and taught to be men...

to take responsibility for what they do...

To be accountable ...

3 posted on 01/24/2014 6:57:13 AM PST by Tennessee Nana
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To: Gamecock

This is a story that needs to get out.

Post-abortive women can go into depression, or spend their lives justifying their decision,

or, as this woman’s story shows, repent and seek forgiveness from God. He is gracious and will forgive the repentant.

4 posted on 01/24/2014 6:57:58 AM PST by MrB (The difference between a Humanist and a Satanist - the latter admits whom he's working for)
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To: MrB

I briefly dated a girl in college who had an abortion a couple years before we met. She was a total wreck. Hope she found peace in Christ.

5 posted on 01/24/2014 7:00:38 AM PST by Gamecock (If you like your constitution, you can keep your constitution. Period. (M.S.))
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To: Gamecock
I have read several accounts over the years about women who have had an abortion dying of breast cancer. Has this been either proved or debunked?
6 posted on 01/24/2014 7:11:18 AM PST by Ditter
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To: Gamecock

I know you know this:
There is peace in none other than Christ.

I just had to say it.

Also, healing begins with confession and repentance. Sometimes the “natural” consequences don’t end (in this lifetime) but God’s forgiveness cleanses us of all unrighteousness. In His mind we are then clean. So often, we have to try to see things from His perspective - in order to be healed of guilt. That takes faith. Jesus defeated death. Satan is a liar. Satan is a false accuser - he wants to steal what God has done by leading us back into guilt and shame.

Our victory is in Christ alone.


7 posted on 01/24/2014 7:24:53 AM PST by kinsman redeemer (The real enemy seeks to devour what is good.)
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To: MrB



8 posted on 01/24/2014 7:44:38 AM PST by cyn (Benghazi.)
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To: kinsman redeemer


Our sins will often have earthly consequences, but through Jesus we are clothed in His righteousness.

9 posted on 01/24/2014 8:06:41 AM PST by Gamecock (If you like your constitution, you can keep your constitution. Period. (M.S.))
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To: Ditter

Well, the left tries to shout down any such linkage, because baby murder is one of their non-negotiables, but this site says otherwise:

And this very recent study also supports linkage:

10 posted on 01/24/2014 8:17:26 AM PST by afsnco
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To: afsnco


11 posted on 01/24/2014 8:27:57 AM PST by Ditter
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To: Joe 6-pack

See this?

12 posted on 01/24/2014 9:18:21 AM PST by definitelynotaliberal (Go, Cruz! Go!)
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To: Ditter

My late wife did and I have always believed the abortion she had was the cause.

For the record if you switch genders in this story it is our story. We were both 20, college kids, actually in love which I doubt was the case in this story based on the boyfriends reaction, scared to death and told no one about the pregnancy or subsequent abortion. After 8 weeks of seemly preparing for marriage and parenthood my girlfriend/wife, suddenly at week 12 of her pregnancy, changed course 180 degrees. Now she was telling me she couldn’t have the baby. Her argument became, “We can’t have the baby now it is just not the right time. We both need to finish school. I still love you, we will still get married and I still want to have children with you, but now is not the time.”. We went back and force for over an hour. I wanted her and the baby, even offering to take the child and raise it if she wasn’t interested or felt the need to finish school without the encumbrance of motherhood. All she had to do was carry it to term. Time after time she tearfully refused and since I loved her and didn’t want to lose her I drove her to NY and paid for the procedure. We stayed together for 20 more years, which is unusual, did get married a year later, subsequently got divorced and never had children because as we found out 15 years into our marriage, the abortion caused her to be sterile.

The cancer hit 3 years after our divorce. It was aggressive and she died 2 years later.

No one knew about the pregnancy until 6 years after her death when, after many years of having people push me about why we never had children, I finally told my mom. Her only comment, “I would never have believed L**** J*** would have done that. You never throw away a baby”. Since then it has become common knowledge in my family. I have no idea if anyone in her family knows.

The last time we talked before she died we talked about the abortion. I was in tears. At the introduction of the topic she turned very cold and commented, “I’m sorry it meant that much to you, but I never think about it. It was just something that needed to be done at the time. It was the right decision.” Did she real believe that? I will never know. She was one of the most loving, gentle people I have ever known so this attitude was very alien to who I knew her to be. A few people I know who have also gone through abortions or counseled those peoples who have contend she probably was never able to allow any other feelings to boil to the surface because she was never able to forgive herself and decided locking her feelings away forever was her only defense mechanism. I would like to believe that was the case. I do know that her last job was a counselor at a newborn/children’s hospice where I am sure she worked with many parents with very young terminally ill children. Maybe through that work she was able to work out her issues and find peace.

Thanks to everyone for enduring a rather long post.

13 posted on 01/24/2014 9:33:46 AM PST by redangus
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To: redangus
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Those of us who have not been through it, have no idea how awful it is.

I am 73 my husband of 56 years is 78, we were not able to have children of our own and we adopted 3 infants. We are thankful that we were able to do that.

I know that pregnancy outside of marriage was a very shameful thing back when we were young. I can remember people counting back to peoples wedding date when a baby was born. Just checking.

14 posted on 01/24/2014 10:24:42 AM PST by Ditter
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To: Ditter
Thank you for your kind words. I am sure your three kids are very thankful for the birth mother's decision as well as having the luck of being adopted by you and your husband. On a lighter note, as the say, the first one can come anytime all the rest take nine month😊.
15 posted on 01/24/2014 11:48:37 AM PST by redangus
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To: Gamecock

Ping for later.

16 posted on 01/24/2014 12:42:46 PM PST by bjorn14 (Woe to those who call good evil and evil good. Isaiah 5:20)
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To: Gamecock; Responsibility2nd


17 posted on 01/24/2014 7:03:11 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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To: Gamecock

Praise God for His mercy and grace.

What a moving story.

18 posted on 01/24/2014 7:03:41 PM PST by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith....)
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