Skip to comments.[ Spoof site - Satire ] September 3, 2009 From the Archives: Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the F
Posted on 02/25/2014 4:33:56 AM PST by Gamecock
Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: Im Joel Osteen. Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. Theyre super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right? Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. I tell you what, I dont get it. Wheres the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didnt own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I dont know. You get my point. Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds or how being a good steward means being successful in the stock market. The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastors back. And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You cant be serious.
The experience has completely derailed work on Osteens next book Your Bestest Life Now. What am I supposed to tell people? When God came to Earth, He was poor? Come on. No one is going to buy that, Osteen said as he dismissively sipped on a Perrier. If people are going to do this whole Christian thing, theres gotta be something in it for them. And whats the Gospel offering them? Spiritual wealth? Treasures in Heaven? What does that even mean? Osteen is also unsure of how to incorporate Jesus words regarding the ease with which the wealthy enter heaven: A camel through the head of a needle? Give me a break. Thatd take a miracle.
In order to avoid any confusion between his writings and the poverty of the Gospels, Osteen has decided to have bookstores categorize his books as Christianish rather than just Christian. See that? See what we did there? Weve got Christian in there because thats P.C., but we threw the ish on the end so that people know its not so Christian that its not about money. We dodged a big one here, we really did, said Osteen.
Is it sad that I had a hard time telling whether this was satire or not?
I, too, had to look at the keywords...
I not surprised. His sermons have always been void of Jesus Christ’s teachings vs what you get from Billy Graham.
In short, I find Osteen pie in the sky, let’s all be warm and fuzzy about God etc. type of preaching, mainly if not exclusively Old Testament. So, now we learn that he’s reading the Gospels for the first time?
Someone gave me one of his daily reading books as a gift. At the time I was reading Billy Graham’s. The difference was dizzying to the mind. I was embarrassed, but had to return it to her with respect as she mean’t well. After reading a few days worth she too was surprised, and I think she returned the book.
Lent is coming up. I love to read daily Lent verses and teachings. Joel Osteen, I’m sad to say, will not be one of those I’m reading. When the going get tough out there in life the Gospels is ripe with answers.
For me, it wasn't that I thought it might be satire, it was that I thought it might be true.
All he has to do is learn his script and give a performance.
Sad to say, he ain’t the first and he damn sure will not be the last.
I don’t know about this guy, but I do view most of his ilk with a very jaundiced eye.
Like the Bible says,”Beware of false prophets”.
Maybe now he’ll come to a belief in Jesus as the only way to salvation and eternal life; something he has spoken against in the past.
Oh, I see. It’s satire. Very funny, but with a strong message. I take my hat off to you, as you proved the point very well that I was trying to make, before I made it.
I dont get this as satire. Satirical of what? He is firmly committed to material wealth. All the article really does is demonstrate he has no relationship to Christianity. Christianish indeed, truer words....
He sure made his $$$$$ but only before admitting this!
Hahaha! Very funny, like others are saying, so easy to buy this with Osteen. When he actually says things like he doesn’t know for sure if Christ is the “one way” to heaven or not.
Satire? I think it is right on the mark.
Not anymore. Someone didn't think the keywords were enough.
Boy, did YOU hit the nail on the head.
I gave up and moved on. Thanks for posting--it confirmed my uneasy thoughts.
Are we just going to mock him? Maybe we should call fire down on him? That is probably what the disciples would have suggested...
The disciples would have called down fire on him?
Nah, Jesus didn’t care for calling fire down, in that case anyway.
A light turned on is enough.
I've argued with my aunt several times about why every disciple except John died as a martyr, did they not have enough faith? Why do children die? Because there parents don't have enough faith? Why would God let one person die because of another's lack of faith. He wouldn't. I know God is not like that. The worse part, even my aunt knew and said that my mom had greater faith than most.
She was what a Christian should look like. She got up several times a week at 5am and opened the doors to the church for the women's prayer group to pray for our nation, abortion,....she stood outside abortionist carhartts office and prayed. She was part of angels on wheels. They went into the bad part of town and shared the gospel with the prostitutes, homeless, and children on the streets, bringing cookies and hot drinks. She was part of every event at church. At her funeral there was a letter read from a missionary from china who ran an orphanage. He said over 25 years ago a friend brought him to church with her. He had long hair, was barefoot and smelled of pot. He said this little lady came up to us and welcomed him and insisted he sit in front with her and my dad. He said he never felt such acceptance or love so he continued to come. She brought him a bible and mentored him and his life changed. The letter said a baby girl had been left at the orphanage the day she died, so he named her Amy after my mom.
I know I'm going on and on, but I feel like I have to warn people about prosperity gospel preachers and I wanted to remember my mom. She had so many people and over half 25 and under at her funeral and it was a weekday. A couple of the people who came and told me she regularly brought groceries to them (she did not have much money) A lady who my mom seen at walmart and felt something was wrong walked up to her and asked if she was ok. She wasn't. She eventually lead her to Christ. Many times when were shopping, my mom would be talking to someone, I thought a friend, but it was someone she felt God lead her to. A young man of 22 or so who said she was his Sunday school teacher in the 3rd grade. The church bus picked him up because his parents would never take him. She found out he never got birthday presents and not much at Christmas. So she made every birthday and Christmas special for him and attended his school programs because his parents never did. She was at his high school graduation. He came to see her before she died and he cried and cried on her shoulder. I wish I could have done that, but I was was doing what she asked. Sorry again about going on so long, the anniversary of her death is come soon.
I was so blessed to have her as a mom. We were best friends. I often wonder why God took her when she was doing so much work for Him. I really think it would have really upset her to see what the left has done to this country. Besides, now she doesn't have to pray, she's talking to God face to face. I know she has is having the time of her life and receiving her just rewards.
Is that what this article did - turn on a light?
I don't know Joel, I don't believe I have read anything of his, nor do I watch him on tv. But I do know that I don't want to be numbered with 'the accuser of the brethren'.
Thank you so much for sharing, this must have been painful for you.
The reason I run the YBPDLN ping list is just because of stories like yours.
Thanks for giving me a voice.