Skip to comments.[ Spoof site - Satire ] September 3, 2009 From the Archives: Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the F
Posted on 02/25/2014 4:33:56 AM PST by Gamecock
Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: Im Joel Osteen. Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. Theyre super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right? Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. I tell you what, I dont get it. Wheres the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didnt own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I dont know. You get my point. Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds or how being a good steward means being successful in the stock market. The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastors back. And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You cant be serious.
The experience has completely derailed work on Osteens next book Your Bestest Life Now. What am I supposed to tell people? When God came to Earth, He was poor? Come on. No one is going to buy that, Osteen said as he dismissively sipped on a Perrier. If people are going to do this whole Christian thing, theres gotta be something in it for them. And whats the Gospel offering them? Spiritual wealth? Treasures in Heaven? What does that even mean? Osteen is also unsure of how to incorporate Jesus words regarding the ease with which the wealthy enter heaven: A camel through the head of a needle? Give me a break. Thatd take a miracle.
In order to avoid any confusion between his writings and the poverty of the Gospels, Osteen has decided to have bookstores categorize his books as Christianish rather than just Christian. See that? See what we did there? Weve got Christian in there because thats P.C., but we threw the ish on the end so that people know its not so Christian that its not about money. We dodged a big one here, we really did, said Osteen.
Is it sad that I had a hard time telling whether this was satire or not?
I, too, had to look at the keywords...
I not surprised. His sermons have always been void of Jesus Christ’s teachings vs what you get from Billy Graham.
In short, I find Osteen pie in the sky, let’s all be warm and fuzzy about God etc. type of preaching, mainly if not exclusively Old Testament. So, now we learn that he’s reading the Gospels for the first time?
Someone gave me one of his daily reading books as a gift. At the time I was reading Billy Graham’s. The difference was dizzying to the mind. I was embarrassed, but had to return it to her with respect as she mean’t well. After reading a few days worth she too was surprised, and I think she returned the book.
Lent is coming up. I love to read daily Lent verses and teachings. Joel Osteen, I’m sad to say, will not be one of those I’m reading. When the going get tough out there in life the Gospels is ripe with answers.
For me, it wasn't that I thought it might be satire, it was that I thought it might be true.
All he has to do is learn his script and give a performance.
Sad to say, he ain’t the first and he damn sure will not be the last.
I don’t know about this guy, but I do view most of his ilk with a very jaundiced eye.
Like the Bible says,”Beware of false prophets”.
Maybe now he’ll come to a belief in Jesus as the only way to salvation and eternal life; something he has spoken against in the past.
Oh, I see. It’s satire. Very funny, but with a strong message. I take my hat off to you, as you proved the point very well that I was trying to make, before I made it.
I dont get this as satire. Satirical of what? He is firmly committed to material wealth. All the article really does is demonstrate he has no relationship to Christianity. Christianish indeed, truer words....
He sure made his $$$$$ but only before admitting this!
Hahaha! Very funny, like others are saying, so easy to buy this with Osteen. When he actually says things like he doesn’t know for sure if Christ is the “one way” to heaven or not.
Satire? I think it is right on the mark.
Not anymore. Someone didn't think the keywords were enough.
Boy, did YOU hit the nail on the head.
I gave up and moved on. Thanks for posting--it confirmed my uneasy thoughts.
Are we just going to mock him? Maybe we should call fire down on him? That is probably what the disciples would have suggested...
The disciples would have called down fire on him?
Nah, Jesus didn’t care for calling fire down, in that case anyway.
A light turned on is enough.