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Joel Osteen purchases Catholicism in time for Easter
Derf Magazine ^ | 02/25/2014

Posted on 02/25/2014 9:45:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy

LAKEWOOD, TX - Joel Osteen Ministries announced this week it has finalized its purchase of the entire Catholic religion which includes all assets, facilities, employees, and intellectual property. The purchase was accomplished using revenues received from corporate sponsors, member donations, and Osteen's book sales.

Osteen announced the purchase to his followers at the Lakewood Church during his weekly nationally televised service saying, "Please join me in welcoming our Catholic brothers and sisters with open arms. A purchase of this magnitude takes tremendous resources so I ask you to help us fund this wonderful acquisition by calling the 800 number at the bottom of your screen and making a generous donation."

In a manner similar to other large industry consolidations, Osteen will immediately begin converting Catholicism to the faster growing non-denominational business model. Changes include the elimination of less profitable Catholic traditions such as communion, confession, the sacraments of marriage, confirmation, and the last rites. Classic holidays with large revenue potential such as Christmas and Easter will be re-branded but not substantially revised until a complete profitability analysis can be performed.

Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen's best-selling book, Your Best Life Now, which is available online and at thousands of retail book outlets worldwide.

Until further evaluation an Osteen Ministries spokesperson said all Catholic employees including Bishops, Cardinals, Priests, and Nuns will gladly be retained by Osteen Ministries and trained for jobs at Osteen's expansive donation call center in Lakewood, Texas.

Most of the Catholic churches will continue to serve as donation collection points but will be equipped with cable broadcast equipment to help increase Osteen's market share of religious television viewers.

Osteen is also reviewing options for key assets like the Vatican which may be converted to a faith-based nostalgic amusement park called CatholicLand.


TOPICS: Catholic; Evangelical Christian; Humor
KEYWORDS: catholic; christians; evangelical; humor; megachurch; osteen; pastor; satire
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Joel Osteen Ministries announced this week it has finalized its purchase of the entire Catholic religion which includes all assets, facilities, employees, and intellectual property. The purchase was accomplished using revenues received from corporate sponsors, member donations, and Osteen's book sales. Osteen announced the purchase to his followers at the Lakewood Church during his weekly nationally televised service saying, "Please join me in welcoming our Catholic brothers and sisters with open arms. A purchase of this magnitude takes tremendous resources so I ask you to help us fund this wonderful acquisition by calling the 800 number at the bottom of your screen and making a generous donation"....

....Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen's best-selling book, Your Best Life Now, which is available online and at thousands of retail book outlets worldwide. Until further evaluation an Osteen Ministries spokesperson said all Catholic employees including Bishops, Cardinals, Priests, and Nuns will gladly be retained by Osteen Ministries and trained for jobs at Osteen's expansive donation call center in Lakewood, Texas.

1 posted on 02/25/2014 9:45:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy

Changes include the elimination of less profitable Catholic traditions such as communion, confession, the sacraments of marriage, confirmation, and the last rites.

Classic holidays with large revenue potential such as Christmas and Easter will be re-branded but not substantially revised until a complete profitability analysis can be performed.

OUCHIE OUCH!


2 posted on 02/25/2014 9:48:13 AM PST by MeshugeMikey (Where are The Weapons Of Mass Global Climate Change Destruction?)
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To: Alex Murphy

Lol! I saw that all of our posts were deleted on the previous thread. I’m convinced that the poster is also the religion mod lol!


3 posted on 02/25/2014 9:48:59 AM PST by goodwithagun (My gun has killed fewer people than Ted Kennedy's car.)
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To: Alex Murphy

How did he miss Judaism?


4 posted on 02/25/2014 9:53:58 AM PST by onedoug
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To: Gamecock
See related story from 1994:

MICROSOFT BIDS TO ACQUIRE CATHOLIC CHURCH

5 posted on 02/25/2014 9:54:31 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy

Derf Magazine?

Let me guess. Victoria owns that one.


6 posted on 02/25/2014 9:55:35 AM PST by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: Alex Murphy

Hate to watch this prosperity preacher close his eyes every time he turns his head. Gives me the creeps. Hope this is a big practical joke.


7 posted on 02/25/2014 9:56:42 AM PST by laweeks
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To: Alex Murphy
This is all a part the end times fulfillment! Osteen is bringing about the one false world wide religion! Don't believe me??? Look at the globe that he preaches in front of! Not a cross, but a globe!

</sarc>

8 posted on 02/25/2014 9:57:08 AM PST by Gamecock (Grace is not opposed to human activity. It's opposed to human merit. MSH)
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To: Alex Murphy
But he will bring back the use of Indulgences, replacing the one's now grant over the Internet: http://www.theatlantic.com/international/print/2013/07/what-the-pope-really-meant-in-his-twitter-indulgences-announcement/277909/

But in actual news,

The Roman Catholic Church is enjoying some of its best press in decades, and hundreds of thousands of alienated Catholics are returning, thanks in large part to the new, and in some cases revolutionary, leadership of Pope Francis.

But, says a new documentary by PBS’ "Frontline," “Secrets of the Vatican,” the morally wrenching controversies that threatened to destroy the church's credibility, starting about the time Pope John Paul II died in 2005, have not fully subsided. Further, the success of Francis’ papacy will depend on how quickly and thoroughly he addresses them.

"Secrets of the Vatican," airing tonight at 9 p.m. ET on most PBS stations (check local listings), takes an unsparing look at the state of the church Pope Francis inherited from his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, successor to Pope John Paul II and the first head of the church to resign in 600 years. - http://news.yahoo.com/frontline-inside-the-vatican-234530666.html

9 posted on 02/25/2014 10:02:22 AM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: Gamecock
This is all a part the end times fulfillment! Osteen is bringing about the one false world wide religion! Don't believe me??? Look at the globe that he preaches in front of! Not a cross, but a globe!

And it's just a single globe, too! What's that phrase - a "One Globe" Religion?

10 posted on 02/25/2014 10:02:37 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy
Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen’s best-selling book, Your Best Life Now

Francis Chan destroys Osteen’s hollow “theology” in his book Crazy Love. Read the whole book but the chapter titled “Your best Life Later” shows that there is no Biblical basis to Osteen’s position.

The trouble churches get into when they rely on man-made doctrine instead of the Bible.

11 posted on 02/25/2014 10:03:12 AM PST by fungoking (Tis a pleasure to live in the Ozarks)
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To: Gamecock

These Seeker Sensitive churches are a mile wide and an inch deep in actual Christian Theology and Biblical Truths.


12 posted on 02/25/2014 10:04:41 AM PST by Artcore
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To: Alex Murphy; NYer

Does that mean the communion wine will be changed to unfermented grape juice instead?


13 posted on 02/25/2014 10:06:10 AM PST by GreyFriar (Spearhead - 3rd Armored Division 75-78 & 83-87)
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To: Alex Murphy

I’ve been recently attending a local catholic church after many years of non-denom ones. What I like is the priest is just a humble man, no big ego and messages to the point. I could do without some of the doctrines—praying to saints and all but I love the less big ego and showie like stuff than often occurs within mega-churches.


14 posted on 02/25/2014 10:08:11 AM PST by tflabo (Truth or Tyranny)
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To: GreyFriar

Communion is being phased out per the article.
The MBA consultants declared it a non-viable product line.


15 posted on 02/25/2014 10:09:19 AM PST by nascarnation (I'm hiring Jack Palladino to investigate Baraq's golf scores.)
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To: tflabo

My dad had a friend who converted to Catholicism. He said what attracted him was that if the Church preached that something was wrong, it was wrong for all. Whether in Pittsburgh, Manhattan, Rome or Bali. Whereas the list of sins was somewhat more flexible as he moved between Protestant churches in the South. Illicit sex was the worst thing you could to at one church, while it was drinking ten miles down the road, and smoking twenty miles beyond that.


16 posted on 02/25/2014 10:12:07 AM PST by Buckeye McFrog
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To: Alex Murphy

Good humor and funny. Praised be Jesus Christ and we pray for true humility and deep holiness in each of us that brings about the one true holy catholic and apostolic church. Jesus would be so happy with that act of faith, hope, and charity toward the One Truth.

My sister can’t stand the way Scott Hanh speaks, so she misses out in such beautiful truths that God blessed him to relay. I understand some may feel the same of Olsteen, but he’s a good man relaying the Truth as he understands it and that is good. May we become more enlightened as Christ leads us and let us put down below us any personality dislikes and judge the content of the Truth being relayed. Afterall, Jesus probably looked pretty boring, like the Eucharist before us, so we’d study the Truth He gave rather than the charisma and fashion.


17 posted on 02/25/2014 10:13:20 AM PST by If You Want It Fixed - Fix It
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To: Alex Murphy

Satire, but probably not too far off from what Osteen really believes.


18 posted on 02/25/2014 10:16:27 AM PST by darkangel82
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To: Alex Murphy

Is this like when Bill Gates bought the Vatican?

It might help Catholics to learn a little more about Osteen. The Christian church has not stopped at its denominational borders, not since the Orthodox split, let alone the Protestant reformation.


19 posted on 02/25/2014 10:16:37 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: Buckeye McFrog

Well, he wanted a Roman model, and he got it. But even then he’s going to end up disappointed because individual parishes are very much like a herd of cats.

Ultimately the sin that matters most is the sin that trips YOU up.


20 posted on 02/25/2014 10:18:40 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: Alex Murphy
Hah! This is satire! He doesn't have enough money to do that ... Yet
21 posted on 02/25/2014 10:19:12 AM PST by Campion ("Social justice" begins in the womb)
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To: tflabo

Don’t be fooled. Rome has no more to offer than Joel Osteen. Neither have a gospel that saves.

THE Gospel Defined

http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=221413393310


22 posted on 02/25/2014 10:22:06 AM PST by .45 Long Colt
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To: fungoking
The trouble churches get into when they rely on man-made doctrine instead of the Bible.

Exactly which is why both Osteen and Rome are in error. And what Osteen could do with Indulgences!

23 posted on 02/25/2014 10:22:23 AM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: darkangel82

Why does every generation turn out a snake oil salesman like this guy? He’s as sleazy a guy as I’ve ever seen on tv and yet the yokels run to him.


24 posted on 02/25/2014 10:28:18 AM PST by miss marmelstein (Richard Lives Yet!)
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To: If You Want It Fixed - Fix It
My sister can’t stand the way Scott Hanh speaks, so she misses out in such beautiful truths that God blessed him to relay. I understand some may feel the same of Olsteen, but he’s a good man relaying the Truth as he understands it and that is good.

Even Staples would be right in disagreeing with that, as Osteen mixes Truth with critical error, as does Staples and Rome, the former less arrogantly.

Jesus probably looked pretty boring, like the Eucharist before us, so we’d study the Truth He gave rather than the charisma and fashion.

Jesus never looked like a wafer of bread, nor is He ever that, nor did He preach physically consuming human flesh was the necessary means to obtain spiritual and eternal life. Critical error .

25 posted on 02/25/2014 10:29:02 AM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: Alex Murphy

Thats strange...... I bought Catholicism 2 years ago


26 posted on 02/25/2014 10:32:04 AM PST by woofie
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To: Buckeye McFrog
He said what attracted him was that if the Church preached that something was wrong, it was wrong for all. Whether in Pittsburgh, Manhattan, Rome or Bali.

That is what the Bible teaches, but what Catholic church is like that to any comprehensive degree? But while sola ecclesia (the church as supreme and with assured veracity) is an easier path to conformity, and thus cults operate under it, yet this also results in more extensive unity in error, as seen in Rome and in cults, and of churches competing with each other for the title of One True Church.

However, what you really teach is show by what you do, (Ja. 2:18) and foster, and Catholics are far more diverse and liberal than those who are most committed to Scripture being supreme as the assured and basically literal word of God

27 posted on 02/25/2014 10:35:39 AM PST by daniel1212 (Come to the Lord Jesus as a contrite damned+destitute sinner, trust Him to save you, then live 4 Him)
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To: .45 Long Colt

Osteen does preach a generic sinner’s prayer, for whatever that is worth.

His ministry doesn’t major in that area, however. He’s more interested in encouraging Christians in an area of exalting the Lord that many miss. I wouldn’t suggest that anybody try to live on a steady diet of just Osteen preaching. But it’s not clear to me that Osteen has the idea that you should, any more than a candy or ice cream store expects that candy or ice cream is all you will eat.


28 posted on 02/25/2014 10:48:49 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: Gamecock
Come on, you know the song "He's got the whole world in His hands. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAzBOGA2JPA
29 posted on 02/25/2014 10:51:22 AM PST by verga
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To: If You Want It Fixed - Fix It
My sister can’t stand the way Scott Hahn speaks

Has she tried reading some of his books?

30 posted on 02/25/2014 10:53:35 AM PST by verga
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To: Buckeye McFrog
Illicit sex was the worst thing you could to at one church, while it was drinking ten miles down the road, and smoking twenty miles beyond that.

That doesn't sound right to me. I'm pretty sure that they sell cigarettes and booze in the same town where the prostitutes are.

31 posted on 02/25/2014 10:54:40 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Gamecock

Osteen seems to be genuine Christian, if unbalanced in some areas.

However, larger Christianity, worldwide, is often lacking in enthusiasm in many places. It’s become a dutiful drudgery. They carry their own slough of despond lest they find themselves in a place that lacks it and God should frown.

If Osteen dispels that notion, he will have admirably served a good purpose.


32 posted on 02/25/2014 10:55:58 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: verga

And older, “God So Loved The World.” (Straight rendition of John 3:16-17 to music.)

Almost any symbol can be used to either the devil’s or God’s advancement. The spirit which is brought to bear in its usage is what matters.


33 posted on 02/25/2014 11:02:14 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: HiTech RedNeck

I don’t know if he knows the gospel, but he certainly doesn’t preach the gospel. And no man has ever been saved praying the sinner’s prayer. Many who prayed a sinner’s prayer are indeed saved, but they were saved by God’s grace, not because of their own prayers. Christians are “born not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.” (John 1:13)

The Jesus Christ of Scriptures isn’t the weak Jesus men preach today. He’s not a begging savior who will come into your heart if you are willing. The Jesus Christ of Scripture is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is ruling and reigning on His throne right now. Jesus Christ of the Bible was mighty to save to the uttermost. Those purposed to be saved in eternity past (Ephesians 1) will be saved. Every single one of them. ALL whom the Father giveth will come to Christ. (John 6:37)


34 posted on 02/25/2014 11:04:58 AM PST by .45 Long Colt
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To: .45 Long Colt
And no man has ever been saved praying the sinner’s prayer.

If that prayer was furnished to that man at the time he was ready to give his eternal life to the Lord... yes he has, and you have told a lie.

35 posted on 02/25/2014 11:06:25 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: If You Want It Fixed - Fix It

I agree with your sister, I’d rather read Hahn that listen to his pompous assurance bearing.


36 posted on 02/25/2014 11:09:07 AM PST by ex-snook (God is Love)
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To: .45 Long Colt

Frankly I believe you ignore the whole issue of divine Holy Spirit timing here. You create an artificial dichotomy.

If you can find Osteen proclaiming that mouthing the prayer is all that is needed ever, then I’ll take it back. But I think even he knows it needs to be sincere, and that it won’t be sincere until the right time.


37 posted on 02/25/2014 11:09:28 AM PST by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: daniel1212

Exactly which is why both Osteen and Rome are in error.


That was my point.


38 posted on 02/25/2014 11:35:58 AM PST by fungoking (Tis a pleasure to live in the Ozarks)
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To: Alex Murphy
That doesn't sound right to me. I'm pretty sure that they sell cigarettes and booze in the same town where the prostitutes are.

Do you any addresses?

39 posted on 02/25/2014 11:40:39 AM PST by verga
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To: Alex Murphy

40 posted on 02/25/2014 12:22:08 PM PST by re_nortex (DP - that's what I like about Texas)
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To: Gamecock

Question - Why would grace be opposed to human merit?


41 posted on 02/25/2014 12:23:50 PM PST by RinaseaofDs
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To: RinaseaofDs; Gamecock
Question - Why would grace be opposed to human merit?

Question - How much "human merit" is enough? How much is too little?

42 posted on 02/25/2014 12:44:38 PM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Buckeye McFrog; Alex Murphy

***Illicit sex was the worst thing you could to at one church**

I’ll bet! Who wants to see people having sex at church!


43 posted on 02/25/2014 12:54:33 PM PST by Gamecock (Grace is not opposed to human activity. It's opposed to human merit. MSH)
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To: RinaseaofDs

Because our best works are filthy rags.

We need the merit of one who is sin free given to us.


44 posted on 02/25/2014 12:57:56 PM PST by Gamecock (Grace is not opposed to human activity. It's opposed to human merit. MSH)
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To: re_nortex; Alex Murphy

45 posted on 02/25/2014 1:02:29 PM PST by Gamecock (Grace is not opposed to human activity. It's opposed to human merit. MSH)
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To: If You Want It Fixed - Fix It

Don’t feel bad, I can’t stand listening to Scott Hahn either...nor do I deal well with his popular writing..He’s smart and has some good insight, but I have a hard time getting around the condescending attitude masked in folksiness. Maybe if I read something that was actually academic, I might enjoy it.


46 posted on 02/25/2014 1:04:42 PM PST by markomalley (Nothing emboldens the wicked so greatly as the lack of courage on the part of the good -- Leo XIII)
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To: daniel1212
Jesus never looked like a wafer of bread, nor is He ever that, nor did He preach physically consuming human flesh was the necessary means to obtain spiritual and eternal life.

And it only took the Holy Spirit 1200 years to get around to revealing that so-called "truth" to the church.

47 posted on 02/25/2014 1:11:37 PM PST by Campion ("Social justice" begins in the womb)
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To: markomalley
I can’t stand listening to Scott Hahn either...nor do I deal well with his popular writing..He’s smart and has some good insight, but I have a hard time getting around the condescending attitude masked in folksiness.

Nice to know I'm not the only one who saw it.

48 posted on 02/25/2014 1:12:11 PM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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To: Alex Murphy
Nice to know I'm not the only one who saw it.

It's even more apparent in person.

49 posted on 02/25/2014 1:14:08 PM PST by Legatus (Keep calm and carry on)
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To: Legatus; Gamecock
It's even more apparent in person.

There are quite a few FRoman Catholics who are enamored of Hahn and his work. I can only conclude that they like, and side with, arrogance.

"There's a thin line between ignorance and arrogance. I have managed to erase that line."
Dr. Science, of The "Ask Dr. Science" Official National Science Test

50 posted on 02/25/2014 1:23:54 PM PST by Alex Murphy ("the defacto Leader of the FR Calvinist Protestant Brigades")
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