Skip to comments.Joel Osteen purchases Catholicism in time for Easter
Posted on 02/25/2014 9:45:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy
LAKEWOOD, TX - Joel Osteen Ministries announced this week it has finalized its purchase of the entire Catholic religion which includes all assets, facilities, employees, and intellectual property. The purchase was accomplished using revenues received from corporate sponsors, member donations, and Osteen's book sales.
Osteen announced the purchase to his followers at the Lakewood Church during his weekly nationally televised service saying, "Please join me in welcoming our Catholic brothers and sisters with open arms. A purchase of this magnitude takes tremendous resources so I ask you to help us fund this wonderful acquisition by calling the 800 number at the bottom of your screen and making a generous donation."
In a manner similar to other large industry consolidations, Osteen will immediately begin converting Catholicism to the faster growing non-denominational business model. Changes include the elimination of less profitable Catholic traditions such as communion, confession, the sacraments of marriage, confirmation, and the last rites. Classic holidays with large revenue potential such as Christmas and Easter will be re-branded but not substantially revised until a complete profitability analysis can be performed.
Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen's best-selling book, Your Best Life Now, which is available online and at thousands of retail book outlets worldwide.
Until further evaluation an Osteen Ministries spokesperson said all Catholic employees including Bishops, Cardinals, Priests, and Nuns will gladly be retained by Osteen Ministries and trained for jobs at Osteen's expansive donation call center in Lakewood, Texas.
Most of the Catholic churches will continue to serve as donation collection points but will be equipped with cable broadcast equipment to help increase Osteen's market share of religious television viewers.
Osteen is also reviewing options for key assets like the Vatican which may be converted to a faith-based nostalgic amusement park called CatholicLand.
....Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen's best-selling book, Your Best Life Now, which is available online and at thousands of retail book outlets worldwide. Until further evaluation an Osteen Ministries spokesperson said all Catholic employees including Bishops, Cardinals, Priests, and Nuns will gladly be retained by Osteen Ministries and trained for jobs at Osteen's expansive donation call center in Lakewood, Texas.
Changes include the elimination of less profitable Catholic traditions such as communion, confession, the sacraments of marriage, confirmation, and the last rites.
Classic holidays with large revenue potential such as Christmas and Easter will be re-branded but not substantially revised until a complete profitability analysis can be performed.
Lol! I saw that all of our posts were deleted on the previous thread. I’m convinced that the poster is also the religion mod lol!
How did he miss Judaism?
Let me guess. Victoria owns that one.
Hate to watch this prosperity preacher close his eyes every time he turns his head. Gives me the creeps. Hope this is a big practical joke.
But in actual news,
The Roman Catholic Church is enjoying some of its best press in decades, and hundreds of thousands of alienated Catholics are returning, thanks in large part to the new, and in some cases revolutionary, leadership of Pope Francis.
But, says a new documentary by PBS "Frontline," Secrets of the Vatican, the morally wrenching controversies that threatened to destroy the church's credibility, starting about the time Pope John Paul II died in 2005, have not fully subsided. Further, the success of Francis papacy will depend on how quickly and thoroughly he addresses them.
"Secrets of the Vatican," airing tonight at 9 p.m. ET on most PBS stations (check local listings), takes an unsparing look at the state of the church Pope Francis inherited from his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, successor to Pope John Paul II and the first head of the church to resign in 600 years. - http://news.yahoo.com/frontline-inside-the-vatican-234530666.html
And it's just a single globe, too! What's that phrase - a "One Globe" Religion?
Francis Chan destroys Osteen’s hollow “theology” in his book Crazy Love. Read the whole book but the chapter titled “Your best Life Later” shows that there is no Biblical basis to Osteen’s position.
The trouble churches get into when they rely on man-made doctrine instead of the Bible.
These Seeker Sensitive churches are a mile wide and an inch deep in actual Christian Theology and Biblical Truths.
Does that mean the communion wine will be changed to unfermented grape juice instead?
I’ve been recently attending a local catholic church after many years of non-denom ones. What I like is the priest is just a humble man, no big ego and messages to the point. I could do without some of the doctrines—praying to saints and all but I love the less big ego and showie like stuff than often occurs within mega-churches.
Communion is being phased out per the article.
The MBA consultants declared it a non-viable product line.
My dad had a friend who converted to Catholicism. He said what attracted him was that if the Church preached that something was wrong, it was wrong for all. Whether in Pittsburgh, Manhattan, Rome or Bali. Whereas the list of sins was somewhat more flexible as he moved between Protestant churches in the South. Illicit sex was the worst thing you could to at one church, while it was drinking ten miles down the road, and smoking twenty miles beyond that.
Good humor and funny. Praised be Jesus Christ and we pray for true humility and deep holiness in each of us that brings about the one true holy catholic and apostolic church. Jesus would be so happy with that act of faith, hope, and charity toward the One Truth.
My sister can’t stand the way Scott Hanh speaks, so she misses out in such beautiful truths that God blessed him to relay. I understand some may feel the same of Olsteen, but he’s a good man relaying the Truth as he understands it and that is good. May we become more enlightened as Christ leads us and let us put down below us any personality dislikes and judge the content of the Truth being relayed. Afterall, Jesus probably looked pretty boring, like the Eucharist before us, so we’d study the Truth He gave rather than the charisma and fashion.
Satire, but probably not too far off from what Osteen really believes.
Is this like when Bill Gates bought the Vatican?
It might help Catholics to learn a little more about Osteen. The Christian church has not stopped at its denominational borders, not since the Orthodox split, let alone the Protestant reformation.
Well, he wanted a Roman model, and he got it. But even then he’s going to end up disappointed because individual parishes are very much like a herd of cats.
Ultimately the sin that matters most is the sin that trips YOU up.