Skip to comments.Joel Osteen purchases Catholicism in time for Easter
Posted on 02/25/2014 9:45:51 AM PST by Alex Murphy
LAKEWOOD, TX - Joel Osteen Ministries announced this week it has finalized its purchase of the entire Catholic religion which includes all assets, facilities, employees, and intellectual property. The purchase was accomplished using revenues received from corporate sponsors, member donations, and Osteen's book sales.
Osteen announced the purchase to his followers at the Lakewood Church during his weekly nationally televised service saying, "Please join me in welcoming our Catholic brothers and sisters with open arms. A purchase of this magnitude takes tremendous resources so I ask you to help us fund this wonderful acquisition by calling the 800 number at the bottom of your screen and making a generous donation."
In a manner similar to other large industry consolidations, Osteen will immediately begin converting Catholicism to the faster growing non-denominational business model. Changes include the elimination of less profitable Catholic traditions such as communion, confession, the sacraments of marriage, confirmation, and the last rites. Classic holidays with large revenue potential such as Christmas and Easter will be re-branded but not substantially revised until a complete profitability analysis can be performed.
Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen's best-selling book, Your Best Life Now, which is available online and at thousands of retail book outlets worldwide.
Until further evaluation an Osteen Ministries spokesperson said all Catholic employees including Bishops, Cardinals, Priests, and Nuns will gladly be retained by Osteen Ministries and trained for jobs at Osteen's expansive donation call center in Lakewood, Texas.
Most of the Catholic churches will continue to serve as donation collection points but will be equipped with cable broadcast equipment to help increase Osteen's market share of religious television viewers.
Osteen is also reviewing options for key assets like the Vatican which may be converted to a faith-based nostalgic amusement park called CatholicLand.
....Executives of Osteen Ministries say the Bible will be gradually replaced with Osteen's best-selling book, Your Best Life Now, which is available online and at thousands of retail book outlets worldwide. Until further evaluation an Osteen Ministries spokesperson said all Catholic employees including Bishops, Cardinals, Priests, and Nuns will gladly be retained by Osteen Ministries and trained for jobs at Osteen's expansive donation call center in Lakewood, Texas.
Changes include the elimination of less profitable Catholic traditions such as communion, confession, the sacraments of marriage, confirmation, and the last rites.
Classic holidays with large revenue potential such as Christmas and Easter will be re-branded but not substantially revised until a complete profitability analysis can be performed.
Lol! I saw that all of our posts were deleted on the previous thread. I’m convinced that the poster is also the religion mod lol!
How did he miss Judaism?
Let me guess. Victoria owns that one.
Hate to watch this prosperity preacher close his eyes every time he turns his head. Gives me the creeps. Hope this is a big practical joke.
But in actual news,
The Roman Catholic Church is enjoying some of its best press in decades, and hundreds of thousands of alienated Catholics are returning, thanks in large part to the new, and in some cases revolutionary, leadership of Pope Francis.
But, says a new documentary by PBS "Frontline," Secrets of the Vatican, the morally wrenching controversies that threatened to destroy the church's credibility, starting about the time Pope John Paul II died in 2005, have not fully subsided. Further, the success of Francis papacy will depend on how quickly and thoroughly he addresses them.
"Secrets of the Vatican," airing tonight at 9 p.m. ET on most PBS stations (check local listings), takes an unsparing look at the state of the church Pope Francis inherited from his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, successor to Pope John Paul II and the first head of the church to resign in 600 years. - http://news.yahoo.com/frontline-inside-the-vatican-234530666.html
And it's just a single globe, too! What's that phrase - a "One Globe" Religion?
Francis Chan destroys Osteen’s hollow “theology” in his book Crazy Love. Read the whole book but the chapter titled “Your best Life Later” shows that there is no Biblical basis to Osteen’s position.
The trouble churches get into when they rely on man-made doctrine instead of the Bible.
These Seeker Sensitive churches are a mile wide and an inch deep in actual Christian Theology and Biblical Truths.
Does that mean the communion wine will be changed to unfermented grape juice instead?
I’ve been recently attending a local catholic church after many years of non-denom ones. What I like is the priest is just a humble man, no big ego and messages to the point. I could do without some of the doctrines—praying to saints and all but I love the less big ego and showie like stuff than often occurs within mega-churches.
Communion is being phased out per the article.
The MBA consultants declared it a non-viable product line.
My dad had a friend who converted to Catholicism. He said what attracted him was that if the Church preached that something was wrong, it was wrong for all. Whether in Pittsburgh, Manhattan, Rome or Bali. Whereas the list of sins was somewhat more flexible as he moved between Protestant churches in the South. Illicit sex was the worst thing you could to at one church, while it was drinking ten miles down the road, and smoking twenty miles beyond that.
Good humor and funny. Praised be Jesus Christ and we pray for true humility and deep holiness in each of us that brings about the one true holy catholic and apostolic church. Jesus would be so happy with that act of faith, hope, and charity toward the One Truth.
My sister can’t stand the way Scott Hanh speaks, so she misses out in such beautiful truths that God blessed him to relay. I understand some may feel the same of Olsteen, but he’s a good man relaying the Truth as he understands it and that is good. May we become more enlightened as Christ leads us and let us put down below us any personality dislikes and judge the content of the Truth being relayed. Afterall, Jesus probably looked pretty boring, like the Eucharist before us, so we’d study the Truth He gave rather than the charisma and fashion.
Satire, but probably not too far off from what Osteen really believes.
Is this like when Bill Gates bought the Vatican?
It might help Catholics to learn a little more about Osteen. The Christian church has not stopped at its denominational borders, not since the Orthodox split, let alone the Protestant reformation.
Well, he wanted a Roman model, and he got it. But even then he’s going to end up disappointed because individual parishes are very much like a herd of cats.
Ultimately the sin that matters most is the sin that trips YOU up.
Don’t be fooled. Rome has no more to offer than Joel Osteen. Neither have a gospel that saves.
THE Gospel Defined
Exactly which is why both Osteen and Rome are in error. And what Osteen could do with Indulgences!
Why does every generation turn out a snake oil salesman like this guy? He’s as sleazy a guy as I’ve ever seen on tv and yet the yokels run to him.
Even Staples would be right in disagreeing with that, as Osteen mixes Truth with critical error, as does Staples and Rome, the former less arrogantly.
Jesus probably looked pretty boring, like the Eucharist before us, so wed study the Truth He gave rather than the charisma and fashion.
Thats strange...... I bought Catholicism 2 years ago
That is what the Bible teaches, but what Catholic church is like that to any comprehensive degree? But while sola ecclesia (the church as supreme and with assured veracity) is an easier path to conformity, and thus cults operate under it, yet this also results in more extensive unity in error, as seen in Rome and in cults, and of churches competing with each other for the title of One True Church.
However, what you really teach is show by what you do, (Ja. 2:18) and foster, and Catholics are far more diverse and liberal than those who are most committed to Scripture being supreme as the assured and basically literal word of God
Osteen does preach a generic sinner’s prayer, for whatever that is worth.
His ministry doesn’t major in that area, however. He’s more interested in encouraging Christians in an area of exalting the Lord that many miss. I wouldn’t suggest that anybody try to live on a steady diet of just Osteen preaching. But it’s not clear to me that Osteen has the idea that you should, any more than a candy or ice cream store expects that candy or ice cream is all you will eat.
Has she tried reading some of his books?
That doesn't sound right to me. I'm pretty sure that they sell cigarettes and booze in the same town where the prostitutes are.
Osteen seems to be genuine Christian, if unbalanced in some areas.
However, larger Christianity, worldwide, is often lacking in enthusiasm in many places. It’s become a dutiful drudgery. They carry their own slough of despond lest they find themselves in a place that lacks it and God should frown.
If Osteen dispels that notion, he will have admirably served a good purpose.
And older, “God So Loved The World.” (Straight rendition of John 3:16-17 to music.)
Almost any symbol can be used to either the devil’s or God’s advancement. The spirit which is brought to bear in its usage is what matters.
I don’t know if he knows the gospel, but he certainly doesn’t preach the gospel. And no man has ever been saved praying the sinner’s prayer. Many who prayed a sinner’s prayer are indeed saved, but they were saved by God’s grace, not because of their own prayers. Christians are “born not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.” (John 1:13)
The Jesus Christ of Scriptures isn’t the weak Jesus men preach today. He’s not a begging savior who will come into your heart if you are willing. The Jesus Christ of Scripture is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is ruling and reigning on His throne right now. Jesus Christ of the Bible was mighty to save to the uttermost. Those purposed to be saved in eternity past (Ephesians 1) will be saved. Every single one of them. ALL whom the Father giveth will come to Christ. (John 6:37)
If that prayer was furnished to that man at the time he was ready to give his eternal life to the Lord... yes he has, and you have told a lie.
I agree with your sister, I’d rather read Hahn that listen to his pompous assurance bearing.
Frankly I believe you ignore the whole issue of divine Holy Spirit timing here. You create an artificial dichotomy.
If you can find Osteen proclaiming that mouthing the prayer is all that is needed ever, then I’ll take it back. But I think even he knows it needs to be sincere, and that it won’t be sincere until the right time.
Exactly which is why both Osteen and Rome are in error.
That was my point.
Do you any addresses?
Question - Why would grace be opposed to human merit?
Question - How much "human merit" is enough? How much is too little?
***Illicit sex was the worst thing you could to at one church**
I’ll bet! Who wants to see people having sex at church!
Because our best works are filthy rags.
We need the merit of one who is sin free given to us.
Don’t feel bad, I can’t stand listening to Scott Hahn either...nor do I deal well with his popular writing..He’s smart and has some good insight, but I have a hard time getting around the condescending attitude masked in folksiness. Maybe if I read something that was actually academic, I might enjoy it.
And it only took the Holy Spirit 1200 years to get around to revealing that so-called "truth" to the church.
Nice to know I'm not the only one who saw it.
It's even more apparent in person.
There are quite a few FRoman Catholics who are enamored of Hahn and his work. I can only conclude that they like, and side with, arrogance.
"There's a thin line between ignorance and arrogance. I have managed to erase that line."
Dr. Science, of The "Ask Dr. Science" Official National Science Test