Skip to comments.How I Predict Divorce Based on the Wedding Cake
Posted on 05/30/2014 7:00:51 AM PDT by Gamecock
As a pastor who regularly performs weddings, I can tell that some couples are more likely to divorce than others. It’s not most evident in pre-marital counseling or private comments made before the service. I can’t see it as the vows are said or rings exchanged. It’s not even in the kiss. As a pastor, I can predict the likelihood of divorce based on how the wedding cake is exchanged. I’ve been performing wedding ceremonies since I was 18. One of the first ceremonies I performed was pretty routine. Everything went without a hitch until it came time for the cake exchange. What began as a playful moment turned ugly. He pushed it into her face; she pushed it harder into his; and he forced her to the ground. The crowd laughed; I was shocked; and a few weeks later they were divorced. So began my interest in watching how the traditional exchange of wedding cake is played out. (See: The Number One Cause of Divorce) The wedding cake moment gives a glimpse into the relationship in a way that few other events can. The couple is nervous because of the occasion and crowdnerves often exploit the worst of us. The cake comes at the end of a long experience so any pretending which has been taking place is less likely to occur as time goes on. The moment requires the couple to do something which is not a normal activity. All of these circumstances create a unique moment to answer one question: which is more important, the relationship or one spouse’s reputation? While most cake exchanges are cute, playful, gentle, and respectful, some of them get ugly. Here are the signs of a marriage in trouble based on the cake exchange:
Force. Gentleness is a trait of a healthy marriage. Specifically, men need to be gentle with their wives. Our strength is to be used for the wellbeing of our spouses, not to their determinate. When someone uses an extreme amount of force when they are happy and in public, it makes me wonder what they are willing to do when they are angry and in private.
Revenge. The cake exchange is supposed to have a bit of gotcha in it. You get me; I get you. However, some individuals ratchet up the revenge. They don’t just get even, they make sure their get back is better. This might be meaningless with cake, but it is fatal in fights. This trait will cause every disagreement to turn into a nightmare of a battle. A spouse who does this can never have a small fight. Every word spoken to them will be returned with a harsher word. Every assumed slight will lead to a greater slight directed back toward the spouse.
Pride. If you can’t lose, you might as well not get married. Every married person is going to have to lose on occasion. Sometimes you will lose because you are wrong and sometimes you will lose because you care more about the relationship than the argument. Some people can’t loseeven when it comes to the cake exchange. If they have to be the victor at the expense of their spouse, they might win the cake but they will lose the marriage. If a person isn’t humble enough to have a little cake on their nose in a happy moment, they will never have the humility to submit to their spouse during a tough time. (See: Pride–The Only Enemy of Marriage)
Contempt. It is shocking to me how often an apparent disdain for a spouse is revealed moments after committing their lives solely to one another. It is one thing to get a playful laugh, but it is something far different to completely disrespect your spouse’s personhood in order to look victorious at feeding each other cake.
These are the negative aspects of cake exchanges gone bad. Here is what a cake exchange should reveal:
Playfulness. If a couple can’t have fun WITH each other (not at the expense of each other) what’s the point of getting married. Feeding each other cake is an odd tradition, but one that should be defined by lighthearted fun. (See: One Sign of a Healthy Marriage)
Respect. Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. No matter the setting or circumstance, spouses should always respect the dignity and well-being of their spouse. Even if an action will get a good laugh, a wise person will never exploit their spouse in order to get the laugh. (See: Respect–A Necessary Ingredient For a Successful Marriage)
Love. It seems obvious, but the next time you attend a wedding and watch the cake exchange, ask a simple question: was that done in a loving way? You will be shocked at how often it is not loving. If the cake exchange isn’t executed with love, the couple will have little chance of navigating the difficult issues of marriage with love.
It’s a funny habitto watch newlyweds exchange cake wondering what I can decipher about their relationshipbut one that has been sadly accurate over the years. Next time you are at a wedding watch and see. Of course if the bride hits the floor as the groom laughs, take back your wedding gift, because the couple will likely be divorced within the year. What other common situations reveal the true character of a relationship? For more, see: The Warning Sign of a Bad Marriage You Might Miss
Ahhh, the Wedding Cake.
The worlds most fattening food.
Right after after the bride eats it, she gains 20 pounds.
(ba doom shish!)
A. Wedding cake
My sister made our wedding cake: simple, delicious and BEAUTIFUL because my sister was beautiful!
But we celebrated our 30th anniversary in March with our children and grandkids.
My exchange with my ex was gentle and respectful. How did that predict she’d have an affair with my son’s tae kwon do instructor?
I told my bride-to-be (at the time) that I was just going to hold it up for her to take a bite, none of the stupid smashing-into-the-face stuff. She did the same and that was 22 years ago.
The fun starts at the 4:00 mark..Listen to the crowd..er guests..urging them to "Smash it!!"
But I've been shocked at some recent weddings I've attended. Something isn't right when so many young people of today feel the need to publicly demean their new spouse at the cake exchange.
I don't like this new "tradition" at all.
Watch the whole thing...are they still married???
She must hate her maid of honor...
I think there is something to be said about one’s ability to let a little playfulness at the cake exchange roll off their back so to speak. If you can remain jovial after all of the stresses of the day and deal with it in a playful manner, a lot can be gleaned from that as well.
It doesn’t have to be outright smashing of the cake into your partners face, but a little playfulness well received can show comfort and trust with your partner also.
You can learn a lot by observing behavior closely.
Priests are fortunate to be too busy to attend wedding receptions.
I’m going to my hippy nephew’s wedding this summer. I’m actually looking forward to it. It should be a hoot. And who knows? It might last.
Over a half century ago, I helped my dad (A wedding photographer) in the darkroom. As the silvery images emerged on the paper under the red safelight, I especially noticed things in “The Feeding of the Cake”.
Even as a 9 year old, I found myself making similar observations!
There were some real brutal smashers, even way back then.
I am sure the events staff enjoyed cleaning up the mess.
Gentle playfulness is a sign of an abiding affection.
If cake-smashing is a “tradition” then why not go all out and have a food fight? Just splat your future mother-in-law thoroughly and you can all yuk it up and look back fondly in twenty years.
What is good and desirable about ruining someone’s appearance and causing embarrassment in front of a crowd of family and close friends during an important milestone in life?
There’s not anything good about it.
Our son’s first marriage ended in divorce after his wife had an affair four months after their wedding. Looking back there were lots of signs that their relationship was not a happy one. His spouse was dominating and never shared any of his interests. Things were always her way and their relationship was never playful. Fortunately he met another young lady and their relationship blossomed. They will be married this fall and our whole family is thrilled. Our daughter and her husband just celebrated their fourth anniversary. Things haven’t been easy, but she is married to a remarkable guy who we have adopted into our family. My wife and I will celebrate 36 years of marriage this summer.
I've had similar thoughts about this over the years. If you act cruelly toward your spouse in public, what in the world will go on behind closed doors?
Pride. If you cant lose, you might as well not get married. Every married person is going to have to lose on occasion. Sometimes you will lose because you are wrong and sometimes you will lose because you care more about the relationship than the argument. Some people cant loseeven when it comes to the cake exchange. If they have to be the victor at the expense of their spouse, they might win the cake but they will lose the marriage. If a person isnt humble enough to have a little cake on their nose in a happy moment, they will never have the humility to submit to their spouse during a tough time. (See: PrideThe Only Enemy of Marriage)I've long had the theory that pride, or ego, is the tap root of nearly all the problems that occur between humans.
An individual or group can't face the fact that some things happen because of their own inadequacies. They find ways to transfer the responsibility to another person or group and then unleash their frustrations.
I was on a cruise ship, and the captain brought us the wedding cake to our table. When it came time to feed each other the cake, I started to smush it in my bride’s face gently. She was totally unaware of the custom, and was very upset that I was doing that, so she REALLY smushed hers in mine, with a LOT of force.
It wasn’t funny until everyone told her about the custom.
That was 21 years ago. Groom and Bride doing just fine.
If this was the standard, we are an outlier.
If cake-smashing is a tradition then why not go all out and have a food fight? Just splat your future mother-in-law thoroughly and you can all yuk it up and look back fondly in twenty years.
Where exactly is someone supposed to learn this?
I agree. I have witnessed quite a few of my friends weddings and the ones who smash the cake into each other often time end up divorced. The ones who respectfully feed each other the cake have made it. I always said this same thing to many people over the years.
One of the non-negotiables my wife had for our wedding was that there would not be any stuffing cake in each other’s faces. Mine was that my tux have tales. Don’t know where that fits on his list, but we’re still together 22 years later.
There is nothing better than being blessed with a good marriage, and nothing worse than being stuck in a bad one..and often...the first devolves into the second case..
We nailed our best man and the maid of honor with the cake.
I forgot about that. I have been to a wedding that I was in as Best Man and the bride and groom smashed the cake into our faces (Maid of Honor and Best Man). I like that a whole lot better than the Bride and Groom doing it.
Right after after the bride eats it, she gains 20 pounds.
...and cuts her hair..
bing a bing..
Our sons first marriage ended in divorce after his wife had an affair four months after their wedding.
Not that divorce is great, but at least he didn’t have to “waste” too many years with that woman. Also children weren’t involved (I think) which is a blessing. That woman seems mighty selfish.
A young woman I know well started feeding her new husband cake and then smashed it in his face. His parents were shocked. No one thought it was funny. He looked hurt, then retaliated. It was an unpleasant moment that enshrines who this particular young woman is. Narcissist.
We got booed for our boring wedding cake feeding. Just celebrated our 18th anniversary.
As soon as I began seeing “funny” videos of this trend I knew the future for the “happy couple”.
Jamming or rubbing the cake in your new partner’s face is showing the world how much you respect that person.
The more aggressive the couple gets, the more trouble they will have in the future.
Is this true for all, I am sure there are exceptions, but I feel embarrassed for any newly wed couple that fall prey to this “harmless prank”.
Speaking of pranks, the funny video shows have a lot of clips of couple playing “pranks” on each other (or more likely, just one being the prankster.) Some of these pranks are harmless but lot of them are just plain mean spirited.
In a few years, my bride and I will be cutting into our 50th anniversary cake, and like our first one, neither one of us will be smearing into each other’s face.
I can only wish that my late wife(Elizabeth)and myself had been”counseled”by this most “Observant”Observor!!WE made a LOT of Mistakes!!!
I told all of my three daughters this when I gave them very modest weddings. They may not have appreciated it at the time, but they do now.
As for that "stuff", my wife and I have a few orignal boxes in the garage which were seldom if ever used. More than a few of them have even been regifted to other weddings, bridal showers and the like.
He makes a lot of good points. When I come across people who are rigid and unyielding and who refuse to compromise/see the other side of something, I frequently find they are not married. I think when the Bible says “a man will leave his father and take his wife” that this is a sign of maturity and normality in people. People who are unable to find a mate and get along with them have problems in other areas of their lives as well. The pastor obviously see signs of this in people during the wedding cake ritual.
You share a lot.
That being said earlier this week we celebrated our 26th anniversary. What did we do? She wanted to go out and eat at a dumpy little Mexican restaurant that has absolutely delicious food that rivals any Tex-Mex restaurant in South Texas, which is where we met and were later married. We couldn't have had a better time at a 5-Star restaurant.
When my eldest brother married, they had a cake and there are several photos of the moment when they "fed" each other a piece of cake. My sister-in-law took a piece, which ended up being almost totally frosting. My brother got a photo of himself with a mouthful of frosting, weighing his piece of cake with a look on his face that was priceless. He did NOT, however, shove the cake in her face. They were laughing and he fed her, her piece of cake normally.
They had their ups and downs; but, they were married for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, they were both killed in an auto accident some years ago.
Really? Since when? This is your wedding day, you have just married the person that you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Smashing a piece of your wedding cake into their face is not in keeping with the event.
I find the whole thing an example of the lack of maturity in the younger generation. Needing a "gotcha" moment on your wedding day? Really? Grow up. You can be "playful" without insulting your new spouse.
THis guy is right......it’s CRINGE WORTHY when they smash cake in each other’s faces.....it’s actually disgusting. At what other times do you smash each other in the face?
That’s a thoughtful blog. Thanks for the link.
My wife and I dug out our wedding video a few months ago, on our anniversary. I'd forgotten that we got some jeers at that moment, too - and by a lot of the older folks present! WTF?!
That video is a DVD dub from VHS - we were married in 1987. I've never understood the "custom" of smearing wedding cake on one's newly-minted spouse. A dot of icing on the nose is probably harmless, but some of the examples I've seen are as foreboding as the article suggests.
“My exchange with my ex was gentle and respectful. How did that predict shed have an affair with my sons tae kwon do instructor?”
Well, it’s not an *exact* science. And my sympathies.
That one was pretty funny!