Posted on 05/30/2014 7:00:51 AM PDT by Gamecock
As a pastor who regularly performs weddings, I can tell that some couples are more likely to divorce than others. It’s not most evident in pre-marital counseling or private comments made before the service. I can’t see it as the vows are said or rings exchanged. It’s not even in the kiss. As a pastor, I can predict the likelihood of divorce based on how the wedding cake is exchanged. I’ve been performing wedding ceremonies since I was 18. One of the first ceremonies I performed was pretty routine. Everything went without a hitch until it came time for the cake exchange. What began as a playful moment turned ugly. He pushed it into her face; she pushed it harder into his; and he forced her to the ground. The crowd laughed; I was shocked; and a few weeks later they were divorced. So began my interest in watching how the traditional exchange of wedding cake is played out. (See: The Number One Cause of Divorce) The wedding cake moment gives a glimpse into the relationship in a way that few other events can. The couple is nervous because of the occasion and crowd—nerves often exploit the worst of us. The cake comes at the end of a long experience so any pretending which has been taking place is less likely to occur as time goes on. The moment requires the couple to do something which is not a normal activity. All of these circumstances create a unique moment to answer one question: which is more important, the relationship or one spouse’s reputation? While most cake exchanges are cute, playful, gentle, and respectful, some of them get ugly. Here are the signs of a marriage in trouble based on the cake exchange:
Force. Gentleness is a trait of a healthy marriage. Specifically, men need to be gentle with their wives. Our strength is to be used for the wellbeing of our spouses, not to their determinate. When someone uses an extreme amount of force when they are happy and in public, it makes me wonder what they are willing to do when they are angry and in private.
Revenge. The cake exchange is supposed to have a bit of “gotcha” in it. You get me; I get you. However, some individuals ratchet up the revenge. They don’t just get even, they make sure their “get back” is better. This might be meaningless with cake, but it is fatal in fights. This trait will cause every disagreement to turn into a nightmare of a battle. A spouse who does this can never have a small fight. Every word spoken to them will be returned with a harsher word. Every assumed slight will lead to a greater slight directed back toward the spouse.
Pride. If you can’t lose, you might as well not get married. Every married person is going to have to lose on occasion. Sometimes you will lose because you are wrong and sometimes you will lose because you care more about the relationship than the argument. Some people can’t lose—even when it comes to the cake exchange. If they have to be the victor at the expense of their spouse, they might win the cake but they will lose the marriage. If a person isn’t humble enough to have a little cake on their nose in a happy moment, they will never have the humility to submit to their spouse during a tough time. (See: Pride–The Only Enemy of Marriage)
Contempt. It is shocking to me how often an apparent disdain for a spouse is revealed moments after committing their lives solely to one another. It is one thing to get a playful laugh, but it is something far different to completely disrespect your spouse’s personhood in order to look victorious at feeding each other cake.
These are the negative aspects of cake exchanges gone bad. Here is what a cake exchange should reveal:
Playfulness. If a couple can’t have fun WITH each other (not at the expense of each other) what’s the point of getting married. Feeding each other cake is an odd tradition, but one that should be defined by lighthearted fun. (See: One Sign of a Healthy Marriage)
Respect. Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. No matter the setting or circumstance, spouses should always respect the dignity and well-being of their spouse. Even if an action will get a good laugh, a wise person will never exploit their spouse in order to get the laugh. (See: Respect–A Necessary Ingredient For a Successful Marriage)
Love. It seems obvious, but the next time you attend a wedding and watch the cake exchange, ask a simple question: “was that done in a loving way?” You will be shocked at how often it is not loving. If the cake exchange isn’t executed with love, the couple will have little chance of navigating the difficult issues of marriage with love.
It’s a funny habit—to watch newlyweds exchange cake wondering what I can decipher about their relationship—but one that has been sadly accurate over the years. Next time you are at a wedding watch and see. Of course if the bride hits the floor as the groom laughs, take back your wedding gift, because the couple will likely be divorced within the year. What other common situations reveal the true character of a relationship? For more, see: The Warning Sign of a Bad Marriage You Might Miss
Ahhh, the Wedding Cake.
The worlds most fattening food.
Right after after the bride eats it, she gains 20 pounds.
(ba doom shish!)
A. Wedding cake
My sister made our wedding cake: simple, delicious and BEAUTIFUL because my sister was beautiful!
But we celebrated our 30th anniversary in March with our children and grandkids.
Very interesting.....thanks
My exchange with my ex was gentle and respectful. How did that predict she’d have an affair with my son’s tae kwon do instructor?
I told my bride-to-be (at the time) that I was just going to hold it up for her to take a bite, none of the stupid smashing-into-the-face stuff. She did the same and that was 22 years ago.
The fun starts at the 4:00 mark..Listen to the crowd..er guests..urging them to "Smash it!!"
lol
But I've been shocked at some recent weddings I've attended. Something isn't right when so many young people of today feel the need to publicly demean their new spouse at the cake exchange.
I don't like this new "tradition" at all.
Watch the whole thing...are they still married???
She must hate her maid of honor...
I think there is something to be said about one’s ability to let a little playfulness at the cake exchange roll off their back so to speak. If you can remain jovial after all of the stresses of the day and deal with it in a playful manner, a lot can be gleaned from that as well.
It doesn’t have to be outright smashing of the cake into your partners face, but a little playfulness well received can show comfort and trust with your partner also.
You can learn a lot by observing behavior closely.
Priests are fortunate to be too busy to attend wedding receptions.
I’m going to my hippy nephew’s wedding this summer. I’m actually looking forward to it. It should be a hoot. And who knows? It might last.
Over a half century ago, I helped my dad (A wedding photographer) in the darkroom. As the silvery images emerged on the paper under the red safelight, I especially noticed things in “The Feeding of the Cake”.
Even as a 9 year old, I found myself making similar observations!
There were some real brutal smashers, even way back then.
I am sure the events staff enjoyed cleaning up the mess.
Gentle playfulness is a sign of an abiding affection.
If cake-smashing is a “tradition” then why not go all out and have a food fight? Just splat your future mother-in-law thoroughly and you can all yuk it up and look back fondly in twenty years.
What is good and desirable about ruining someone’s appearance and causing embarrassment in front of a crowd of family and close friends during an important milestone in life?
There’s not anything good about it.
Our son’s first marriage ended in divorce after his wife had an affair four months after their wedding. Looking back there were lots of signs that their relationship was not a happy one. His spouse was dominating and never shared any of his interests. Things were always her way and their relationship was never playful. Fortunately he met another young lady and their relationship blossomed. They will be married this fall and our whole family is thrilled. Our daughter and her husband just celebrated their fourth anniversary. Things haven’t been easy, but she is married to a remarkable guy who we have adopted into our family. My wife and I will celebrate 36 years of marriage this summer.
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