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The Ten Worst American Cities to Live In
Bully Magazine ^ | Ken Wohlrob

Posted on 11/24/2003 7:49:13 AM PST by Hillary's Folly

Bully's "Ten Worst American Cities To Live In" List



By Ken Wohlrob

10. Seattle

Seattle would seem to have everything going for it. Great music, good restaurants, a beautiful landscape, a range of ethnic cultures, and centralized collection of hi-tech businesses that attract brainy folks from places like San Francisco (ever since that city hit the economic slide). So what makes Seattle one of the ten worst cities to live in? Well it's those same techies who fled San Francisco to seek Seattle's venture-capital rich environment, usually after watching the movie Singles, who have turned this once humble and artistic community into a plague of cellphone sporting, PDA carrying idiots who fly around the streets in their Volkswagens while listening to the Flaming Lips. You know that annoying jackass who walks around in the cellphone commercials saying, "Can you hear me now?" He's the official mascot for Seattle. About the only consolation to all this is that Seattle still has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation.

9. Toledo

The first of the Ohio Triplets on our list, Toledo would be the perfect place to re-make The Omega Man. This mostly due to the fact that this Midwestern hole is so bleak, so gray, so devoid of life, that except for rush hour, you wouldn't know that anyone actually lived in Toledo. Forget civic pride, everyone in Toledo knows the city is a hellhole and just stays home to watch TV. Last time we visited, the only after hours joint was located in a hotel for men. Toledo's official city slogan should be "Toledo…We're…well…ah screw it."


"What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors."




8. Los Angeles

If you look at some of the most talented people to ever walk the planet that ended up destroying themselves - Hemingway, Bruce, Belushi, Morrison, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Welles, and yes even Osbourne - all have one thing in common. LA.

7. Salt Lake City

This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

6. Cincinnati

If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati. To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds." If you are not this type of person and you live in Cincinnati and like it, you have mental problems and should seek professional help.

5. St. Louis

The "Gateway to the West" has three strikes against it. First is that St. Louis has the highest crime rate of any U.S. city. Second, the main architectural landmark looks like an unfinished McDonald's logo. Third, Bob Costas lives there.

4. Atlanta

Any place nicknamed "Hotlanta" has to suck big time. Here's the catch: Did you ever meet someone who went to New York City and said, "I didn't like it, it was too dirty and oh my God there were all these weirdoes." Usually in the next sentence they'll say, "But I really like Hotlanta, it's so cool down there." That's because Atlanta is the city of choice for suburbanites who don't really like cities. Hence Atlanta has turned into nothing more than an over-sprawled suburb, just with more bad bars.

3. Miami

What can we say about Miami except that it brings out the worst cheesy tendencies in people of all races, creeds, and colors. If you want to see blacks, whites, and latinos at their intellectual lowest, than Miami is just for you. Gaudy neon, bad dance clubs, dopey fashionistas, y'all come back now ya hear!

2. Phoenix

Only an idiot would want to spend most of the year trapped in air conditioning. Such an idiot usually moves to Phoenix. Then this dope will say, "Yeah but it's a dry heat." To make matters worse there is absolutely nothing to do in Phoenix besides run from your car's air conditioning to your house's air conditioning. Or you can play golf. Otherwise, they should tear the whole metropolis down and let it just rot back into the desert.

1. Cleveland

The obvious choice for worst city to live in is Cleveland. Not so much because of the lack of culture. Nor is it the lack of a thriving night life. And it is not the constant economic pall that looms over the city. What really makes Cleveland the worst city in all of America is the fact that it shares many of these qualities with other cities - such as its Ohio Twin, Toledo - and refuses to acknowledge it. As a recent article in the Washington Post pointed out, Cleveland peaked in the 1930s and has been on the downslide ever since. To make matters worse, the Plain Dealer - the local city newspaper - found that the higher a young person's education degree, the more likely said person was to move out of Cleveland. In fact it was one of the only three major metropolitan areas in the 1990s to experience such a mass exodus of intelligence. In essence, smart people leave Cleveland while the dumb stay to crank out children and watch the Indians games. Now if you said this to the average Clevelandite, they would call you an a-hole, pound their fist on the table, and insist that Cleveland has just as much to offer as New York City or Chicago. It's almost as if the citizens have become desensitized to the obvious. At least the Toledoans have a clue, but Clevelandites like their city just the way it is and they're damn proud of it…with the closed steel mills, and bad wing joints, and those horrible blues bands that all play a terrible rendition of "Mustang Sally."

GOOD ANGRY FUN
Home

© 1998-2003 Bully Magazine



TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons; US: Washington
KEYWORDS: cities; cleveland; topten
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Having been to each of these cities I'd say the descriptions are fairly accurate, particularly Seattle.
1 posted on 11/24/2003 7:49:13 AM PST by Hillary's Folly
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To: Hillary's Folly
Consider traffic and move Seattle higher on the list.
2 posted on 11/24/2003 7:55:52 AM PST by Blue Screen of Death (,/i)
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To: Hillary's Folly
Where's Detroit?
3 posted on 11/24/2003 7:57:32 AM PST by Jack Black
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To: Hillary's Folly
Of course we can't go one article w/out a jab at White people or Christians: "To some Cincinnati is the greatest city in the U.S. - usually these folks are old, white, Christian fundamentalists, confined to wheelchairs, and are very scared of "coloreds."

But, all-in-all, pretty accurate. Damn shame about Seattle though.

4 posted on 11/24/2003 7:58:27 AM PST by jjm2111
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To: Jack Black
Exactly. The article is complete crap.

It's missing Pittspuke as well.
5 posted on 11/24/2003 8:00:43 AM PST by Bikers4Bush
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To: Jack Black
Detroit is Cleveland, without the glitter.
6 posted on 11/24/2003 8:01:21 AM PST by freedomson (Baruch haba b'shem Adonai!)
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To: Hillary's Folly
Cleveland..... armpit of the universe! (lived there and I agree with the poll)
7 posted on 11/24/2003 8:01:47 AM PST by Grammy
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To: Hillary's Folly
IMHO I would add the following:

11. San Francisco- One of the most beautiful natural settings for a city in the country, combined with probably the highest concentration of high quality restaurants outside of NYC. San Francisco, makes for a great place to visit. But, just like fresh fish, it is best to be gone in three days. If you really want to piss off the local snobs, wear an LA Dodger cap and always refer to 'The City' as "Frisco." Word of caution though, do it after the waiter brings your food.

8 posted on 11/24/2003 8:02:36 AM PST by Michael.SF. ("I always make it a point to eat what I kill." - John Kerry, Vietnam vet.)
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To: Hillary's Folly
I'm a country mouse. There is no such thing as a good city to live in.
9 posted on 11/24/2003 8:02:59 AM PST by mewzilla
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To: Hillary's Folly
About Cincinnati.......

It truly is one of America's most beautiful cities. The race hustlers have done all in their power to give this city an ugly image. Jesse Jackson has promoted a boycott that has accomplished nothing but more animosity between the races.

10 posted on 11/24/2003 8:03:22 AM PST by OldFriend (DEMS INHABIT A PARALLEL UNIVERSE)
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To: Bikers4Bush
Dear B4B - put your snide comments about my hometown where the sun don't shine!!!
11 posted on 11/24/2003 8:04:00 AM PST by familyofman
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To: jjm2111; Jack Black
Actually, if it were my list I would have traded Detroit for Cincy. At least all the Christians keep their streets relatively clean.

But lighten up a bit, they take shots at snotty little selfphone latte addicts, too. Why can't some Christians also be the butt of jokes? It's just jokes.

12 posted on 11/24/2003 8:04:07 AM PST by Hillary's Folly ("It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.")
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To: Hillary's Folly
This one should be obvious to any intelligent human: Mormons and lots of them. Need we say more?

Flamewar in 8...7...6...

13 posted on 11/24/2003 8:04:37 AM PST by Physicist
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To: Grammy
Hey! Cleveland Rocks!
14 posted on 11/24/2003 8:05:56 AM PST by bonfire
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To: Bikers4Bush
Exactly. The article is complete crap.

And Saint Louis does not have the highest crime rate. At one time East St Louis in Illinois had the highest per capita murder rate, but that was about 20 years ago.

15 posted on 11/24/2003 8:06:02 AM PST by cardinal4 (Hillary and Clark rhymes with Ft Marcy park...)
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To: Jack Black
"Where's Detroit?"

And Flint- and just about any other city I can think of in Michigan. Man, do I hate that place!

But the author left out Anchorage, whose motto is "We're Not Really Alaska, But You Can Get There From Here!"

Or the alternatibve- "El Paso With Snow"

16 posted on 11/24/2003 8:06:05 AM PST by RANGERAIRBORNE
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To: Hillary's Folly
Was in Seattle in August and the dearth of American flags was appalling. Good enough reason to have it on a list like this.
17 posted on 11/24/2003 8:06:09 AM PST by Mr. Buzzcut
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To: cardinal4
The writer of this article must be young. His criteria for a good city is Nightlife.
18 posted on 11/24/2003 8:07:25 AM PST by bonfire
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To: Physicist
LOL! Rutro. I guess this invites the question, are Mormons Christians, and if so does that make two slams against Christians.
19 posted on 11/24/2003 8:07:36 AM PST by Hillary's Folly ("It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.")
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To: Hillary's Folly
Gary should be on the list. Last time I passed it, I smelled it and saw the pollution from a distance.

I'm not sure Cincinnati derserves to be on the list. On the other hand, it did elect Jerry Springer mayor and failed to control riots.

20 posted on 11/24/2003 8:08:29 AM PST by Dante3
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To: Hillary's Folly
On the other hand, SLC was recently voted one of the "funnest" cities in the country. I agree with that list, rather than this one. I'm not Mormon, but they're great folks as a whole, and I appreciate their family values, which makes this a nice place to live, all in all.

Fun Cities

21 posted on 11/24/2003 8:08:32 AM PST by T Minus Four
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To: Hillary's Folly
Do you agree with the assessment of Phoenix also? Alot of people from Minnesota move down there to retire and think it's all that.
22 posted on 11/24/2003 8:09:45 AM PST by Lijahsbubbe (Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.)
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To: bonfire
The writer of this article must be young. His criteria for a good city is Nightlife

Bingo, but then when I was young that too was my criteria, that an liberal open container laws. These days I'm with country mouse and stay clear of the city as much as possible.

23 posted on 11/24/2003 8:10:13 AM PST by Hillary's Folly ("It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.")
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To: familyofman
Lol! I have to get my jabs in where I can now that I had to watch us lose to the "Stullers" a-freaking-gain at home.

We're screwed until Davis is gone.
24 posted on 11/24/2003 8:12:15 AM PST by Bikers4Bush
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To: T Minus Four
I do a lot of business in Salt Lake City and I really love visiting the city. People are very friendly, city beautiful and downtown is great. I don't know if I would want to live there though. I do have a co-worker who lives there and he is an atheist now (use to be a Mormon) and says the city is pure "hell" and wants to get out of there. He says it is the worst.

25 posted on 11/24/2003 8:12:50 AM PST by truthandlife
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To: Lijahsbubbe
Do you agree with the assessment of Phoenix also? Alot of people from Minnesota move down there to retire and think it's all that.

My problem with Pheonix, as with these new big cities in the South, is that the sunbelt really is no place for huge cities. It's just too hot. That said, I prefer Flagstaff when in Arizona.

26 posted on 11/24/2003 8:13:00 AM PST by Hillary's Folly ("It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.")
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To: Hillary's Folly
What the author failed to mention about Seattle is that it has the third largest homosexual population in the country and that the gays rule the politics of the city. (Maybe that was who he was describing, running around in their Volkswagons).
27 posted on 11/24/2003 8:13:07 AM PST by Eva
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To: Hillary's Folly
This Top Ten list is a fraud only because Detroit did not even get an honorable mention.
28 posted on 11/24/2003 8:13:38 AM PST by RockChucker
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To: Hillary's Folly
If you took Chicago, sucked out every last ounce of culture including its thriving music scenes and quality restaurants and bars, leaving a graying hulk of skyscrapers and a complete lack of night life, then you would have Cincinnati

Cincinnati is where Daytonians want to go to have fun. I don't know if that says more about Dayton or Cincinnati. :-)

29 posted on 11/24/2003 8:14:09 AM PST by KarlInOhio (Global warming=fresh picked Ohio bananas. Yummy!)
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To: Hillary's Folly
It's easier to drive in heat than snow. As nasty as it gets in Phoenix they never need to close the schools due to sun fall.
30 posted on 11/24/2003 8:14:59 AM PST by discostu (You figure that's gotta be jelly cos jam just don't shake like that)
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To: NRA2BFree
Ping
31 posted on 11/24/2003 8:15:51 AM PST by Mr. Mojo
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To: Hillary's Folly
But Drew Carey said "Cleveland Rocks!"?
32 posted on 11/24/2003 8:16:36 AM PST by handk (All I demand is mindless robotic obedience, and rightly so.)
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To: Hillary's Folly
bump
33 posted on 11/24/2003 8:16:48 AM PST by LiteKeeper
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To: Hillary's Folly
No and no.
34 posted on 11/24/2003 8:17:27 AM PST by gracex7 (The LORD is not slack concerning His promise....but is longsuffering to us-ward. 2 Peter 3:9)
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To: Hillary's Folly
Detroit and Philly both deserve to be on this list. It must be the Larry Brown connection.
35 posted on 11/24/2003 8:18:07 AM PST by bigeasy_70118
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To: truthandlife
The trick is not to actually live in the city. We're way north where it starts to thin out, but we're still close enough to take advantage of the shopping, dining, arts, zoo, etc.
36 posted on 11/24/2003 8:18:56 AM PST by T Minus Four
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To: Hillary's Folly
Any list of this nature which does not list Nu Yawk $#!+y in the top ten has no credibility.
37 posted on 11/24/2003 8:18:57 AM PST by ArrogantBustard
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To: truthandlife
I am a Catholic living in Salt Lake City and I LOVE it. Nice, friendly people. I've lived in the Midwest, lived overseas, lived in two places in California, and SLC is by FAR the best place I've ever lived. The place is great primarily BECAUSE of the Mormon influence, rahter than in spite of the Mormon influence.
38 posted on 11/24/2003 8:19:40 AM PST by Andyman
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To: Hillary's Folly
Ohio may have it's triplet of loser cities, but one reason why they are somewhat unbreable is because of the lousy weather in this area. From about October through April, you just want to crawl into bed and hibernate. Cold, gray, wet, boring. Time to head south...

Actually, my home state, New Jersey, has its own triplet of hellholes, and I'm amazed that they didn't make the list. Anyone want to take their life in their hands, take a walk after dark in Newark, Camden, or Trenton. Schundler did a decent job of turning around Jersey City, so I'd have to leave that one out. Bayonne, OTOH...
39 posted on 11/24/2003 8:19:40 AM PST by chimera
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To: Hillary's Folly
Not sure exactly who I'd take out, but Detroit and Hartford definitely belong in the Top 10.
40 posted on 11/24/2003 8:20:22 AM PST by BlackRazor
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To: RockChucker
Detroit was retired from the list as undisputed champ. (And I say this as someone who still has a great deal of affection for the good points of the city)

I think the problem is the proximity to Toledo (hahaha)!

41 posted on 11/24/2003 8:20:31 AM PST by gracex7 (The LORD is not slack concerning His promise....but is longsuffering to us-ward. 2 Peter 3:9)
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To: Bikers4Bush
"Pittspuke"

LOL, spoken like a true clevelander. younz just don't get it; it ain't just Pittsburgh that thinks younz are a bunch of skuzz balls--it's the entire freakin' country!

And just to p*ss you off a little more; remember Pittsburgh was voted "most livable City" several years ago, and we've had about ten national sports titles more than cleveland has in the last fifty years, oh yeah and the Steelers played their worst game of the season on Sun. (and that's saying something) and still beat the skidmarks in cleveland.

LMAOOL

42 posted on 11/24/2003 8:20:47 AM PST by Pietro
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To: Hillary's Folly
Maybe this city isn't big enough to make a list like this but the worst city I've ever stayed in (no offense intended to Iowans) was Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Now that is a nowhere, nothing happening kind of place. I stayed there for three weeks attending a technical school at Rockwell International (military aviation radio equipment) in 1982 while I was in the Marines.

It was a nice break from military life but there was absolutely nothing to do there. Bars were mostly empty, with a few regulars who weren't friendly to strangers. The sidewalks got rolled up at 7PM, or at least it seemed like it. It was also in the dead of winter so it was brutally cold, even for one who was born and raised in New England. Restaurants served up mostly bland food. Their idea of "spicy" food was to throw pepper and salt on it. We went to a Mexican restaurant and they used Cheez Whiz on the nachos and watered down Campbell's tomato soup for their chili. About the only thing we did was hang out at the mall or hang out at the Best Western lounge (where we stayed) where we were often the only ones there. All the rock stations in town played endless Journey, Styx and Men At Work (it was 1982). It was a pretty lifeless place. Don't know how anybody stayed in business in that town.

I agree with Seattle being a lousy place to live. But they didn't even mention the weather, which is cloudy and rainy about 70% of the time. A drab and dreary place to be sure.

Best big cities to live in are Boston and New York - if you can afford to live there. I'll get a lot of flack for that but that's how I feel. Best small cities I have stayed in are Burlington, Vermont and Huntsville, Alabama. Wouldn't mind living in either of those two places.

43 posted on 11/24/2003 8:22:48 AM PST by SamAdams76 (198.2 (-101.8))
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To: Andyman
I am glad to hear this because my nextdoor neighbors are moving to Salt Lake City soon. They are nice people.
44 posted on 11/24/2003 8:23:33 AM PST by Ditter
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To: Hillary's Folly
This is highly insulting. Can't they make room for Fresno in there?
45 posted on 11/24/2003 8:24:47 AM PST by Enterprise
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To: Hillary's Folly
How could Houston not be on any list of worst cities to live in? Hot, humid, smelly, very very polluted, congested, very little culture, generica (too many chain resturants and identical strip shoping malls, torn up downtown streets, abundence of out of shape residents, poor political landscape (Lee Brown and nex Bill White), few public parks... and so forth. Yeah, I live here in Houston (for now) but as I travel extensively I've seen a lot of other places and Houston is without a doubt one of the worst.
46 posted on 11/24/2003 8:26:01 AM PST by StolarStorm
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To: OldFriend
I agree about Cincinnati. I love living here. It's a great city. The preception of Cincinnati is false.

And the Bengals are 6-5 and tied for first in the AFC North!

47 posted on 11/24/2003 8:26:01 AM PST by carton253 (To win the War on Terror, raise at once the black flag!)
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To: BlackRazor
Milwaukee belongs in the top ten as well.
48 posted on 11/24/2003 8:26:36 AM PST by bigeasy_70118
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To: Hillary's Folly
I am not Morman but think I would love living in an area with lots of them. Don't know for sure tho.

I remember quite a few years ago Rand McNally did a list of the worst places in the US to live and Dothan, Alabama was listed as one of the worst.

I lived in Dothan for about 6 years and thought it was one of the most pleasant towns I have ever lived in. When I saw the list of items Rand McNally used to rate them I realized most of them were relatively unimportant. Such things as nearness to major league sports, Arts etc.

They didn't seem to care about such things as cost of living, taxes, cleanliness, etc.

49 posted on 11/24/2003 8:26:59 AM PST by yarddog
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To: SamAdams76
Best small cities I have stayed in are Burlington, Vermont and Huntsville, Alabama. Wouldn't mind living in either of those two places.

Agreed, Huntsville is a little gem located at the base of the Appalachian foothills with a great climate, but no nightlife and lots of Christians, so probably wouldn't do well on this list.

50 posted on 11/24/2003 8:27:22 AM PST by Hillary's Folly ("It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.")
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