IowaHawk: Peace Elusive in Strife-Torn Midwest

CNSNews.com ^ | October 19, 2001 | David Burge

[IowaHawk]

Decorah, IA (CNSNews.com) - Long-simmering tensions in the volatile Midwest erupted into violence yesterday, as Lutheran extremists from the shadowy Uff Da group claimed responsibility for early morning egging of Doug's Dairy Freeze and igniting a bag of dog excrement that claimed the left shoe of Decorah Mayor Harold Zander.

In a taped statement broadcast during the Morning Soybean Report on radio station KOEL in nearby Oelwein, an Uff Da spokesman identified only as 'Commandante Greg' said that "the infidels have desecrated the Holy Land and now they have paid for their heresy," adding that "God is pretty great, you betcha."

Meanwhile, the Des Moines Register reported that the flare up would likely stall negotiations for the historic Midwest Accords.

Reacting to the latest Presbyterian offer, Urbandale Honda-Acura spokesman Kevin Westergaard released a tersely worded statement declaring "I dunno, I better talk to my manager about dat."

Last night's attacks further cemented the Middle West's reputation as a powder keg of ethnic antagonism, religious extremism and delicious dairy products.

While the recent events have focused public attention on the region, the roots of the current crisis can be traced back decades.

Ancient Animosities, Contemporary Conflicts

Once described by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill as "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery, deep fried and covered with melted cheddar," the Midwest has long baffled outsiders.

The region was first discovered in 1956 by Mark Polo, a Levittown, N.Y. accountant, while searching for an overland passage to Anaheim and the famed treasures of Disneyland.

"Polo's young daughter had a notoriously weak bladder, so he was forced to seek emergency refuge at the ancient Stuckeys Oasis near Bettendorf, Iowa," explained Julian Whitby, a Senior Fellow at Harvard's Institute for Midwest Studies. "He was impressed by the region's rich culture, gigantic pecan logs and sparkling clean restrooms."

So impressed, in fact, that he wrote many postcards praising the area. Soon, dozens of station wagon caravans would venture west on Interstate 80 - the legendary "Cornsilk Road" - in search of exotic jackalopes and comically giant ears of corn.

This wave of strange outlanders from the East caused alarm among Midwestern traditionalist.

"Many, especially the Lutheran hierarchy, came to see the outsiders as a threat to their culture and way of life, infidel crusaders bent on pillaging their cinnamon rolls and Old Style," said Whitby.

A Turning Point in Midwest Relations

Regional tensions further escalated after the 1964 settlement of Presbyterian refugees from Pennsylvania near Zionsville, Indiana. Those tensions simmered steadily before finally erupting nearly a decade later.

In 1973, enraged Lutherans challenge the Presbyterians to a slo-pitch softball game, and were subsequently humiliated 463-2. Adding insult, the Lutherans were forced to cede five kegs of Hamms to the victorious Presbyterians.

While the fateful "7 Inning War" secured a Presbyterian presence in the region, it also stoked a new wave of resentment among Lutherans.

A new generation of disaffected Lutheran youth from South Dakota to Ohio turned to violence, smashing Presbyterian mailboxes and crushing themselves under Presbyterian holsteins during kamikaze cow tipping missions. But nothing has stoked Lutheran rage more than the influence of California.

Many here see the state as the embodiment of evil, a dark force funding the Presbyterians of Zionsville and corrupting Lutheran youth with its decadent culture.

Pastor Duane Gunderson, the enigmatic spiritual leader of the Uff Da movement, is outspoken in his condemnation of Californianism.

"Does not Zionsville get its decadent softball uniforms from California?" Gunderson asked in a recent interview with the French newspaper Le Monde. "The West blasphemes the holy land with its extreme skateboards and pretentious shrimp and goat cheese pizzas. It is the infidel of a thousand infidels, dontchya know."

The Voice of Lutheran Rage

Although he disavowed any prior knowledge of yesterday's attacks, many believe the brooding, charismatic Gunderson was their mastermind.

The son of a wealthy Minneapolis basement paneling contractor and school secretary, analysts say Gunderson was radicalized after a chance 1972 meeting with teen actress Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady in the television program The Brady Bunch.

"He was a gawky, 14-year old Midwesterner on his first California vacation," said Stanley Shapiro of the Georgetown Center for Intra-national Strategy.

"During a studio tour, he saw McCormick in a studio commissary, and became tongue-tied when he tried to ask for her autograph. When the young starlet laughed at his stammering, he wet his pants and ran away in tears," said Shapiro.

"That's the key to understanding regional tensions," adds Shapiro. "It's always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia."

The traumatic encounter hardened Gunderson, whose psychosexual rage toward the West was soon channeled into a fanatical vision of Midwestern orthodox purity.

After two years in a Lutheran seminary in Wayzata, Minn., he broke with the traditional church, ordained himself and moved to Iowa, long notorious for its violent strains of radical Midwesternism.

Gunderson's fiery rhetoric and defiant disdain for the Pacific Time Zone found fertile ground in the fertile ground in North Central Iowa, especially among dispossessed young men. He recruited acolytes at local pancake breakfasts and boat shows.

To the faithful who joined his nascent Uff Da movement, he offered an eternal paradise filled with free Leinenkugel and Marlboro Lights, with 72-piece Craftsman socket sets sworn to martyrs.

Many young recruits were dazzled by Gunderson's svengali-like charisma and his fastidious rejection of post-1972 modernism.

He shaves twice daily, and is seldom photographed without the traditional cleric's garb; a striped, short sleeve Towncrest dress shirt, brown rayon tie and half-plastic, half-wire eyeglasses. When outside his vinyl-sided bungalow, he covers his head in the characteristic comb-over of the Lutheran pastor .

Inspired by Gunderson's example, Uff Da members reject modernism as well. Young men of the movement are admonished if they are appear in public without the traditional Farah or Jaymar Sans-A-Belt dress slacks, and must be groomed according to the ancient code of Brylcreem and Lectri-Shave .

The ultra-orthodox Yokel movement goes even further, wearing Big Mac bib overalls and DeKalb ventilated gimme caps.

Strict dress codes also apply to the women of Uff Da society. Females over the age of five wear the traditional outfit, a lime-green pantsuit made from woven polyester, and knee-length down parkas. Eyeglasses must be worn, with a minimum diameter of 6 inches, along with traditional flip-curl bangs or frizz permanents.

Feminist organizations have voiced alarm over the society's strictly proscribed gender roles.

"Uff Da society follows a very primitive hunter-collector model, and its women are forced to do the collecting," says Emily Bruns of NOW. "Mostly Precious Moments figurines and Beanie Babies."

Exporting Midwest Lutheran Radicalism

At first, Gunderson's Uff Da movement claimed only to be interested in self-determination and the nuclear annihilation of Zionsville, Ind. Soon, though, it appeared the group had adopted a much more ambitious and radical agenda.

Utilizing advanced satellite imagery techniques and Osco One Hour Photo kiosks, intelligence services have identified secret Uff Da training camps throughout the region. The grainy images show dozens of Lutheran radicals receiving instructions in advanced techniques of petty vandalism.

Smuggled video shows fierce trainees in Green Bay Packer and Minnesota Viking ski masks, scaling water towers and railroad bridges, spray painting radical propaganda messages like "I [heart] Uff Da" and "Class of '02 Rulz."

"We still don't know where they get their toilet paper and spray paint, but we cannot rule out state sponsorship," said Shapiro. "Jesse Ventura denies any connection to Uff Da, but he may be intimidated by affiliated Lutheran extremists groups in Minnesota, like Hamm-as."

The Terror of Poultry Products Targets 'Californianism'

Last night's egg attack on Doug's Dairy Freeze was apparently motivated by its new 'California Fruit Shake.'

Investigators believe the attackers may also be linked to the daring mid-day egging of an Abercrombie & Fitch delivery truck at the Merle Hay Mall in Des Moines.

The group's recent success and lack of Western response has spawned a growing sense of regional fanaticism. According to recent reports, Uff Da cells have sprung up as far away as Lebanon, Ohio and Palestine, Texas.

Though it is unclear what the group's ultimate aims are, the recent events have given analysts pause.

"In communiques to followers, Gunderson has called for a unified purist Midwestern state," said Harvard's Whitby. "He envisions a vast homeland stretching from the Holy Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, eastward to the Wisconsin Dells. The geopolitical ramifications are unthinkable."

With growing waves of violence moving ever westward, some worry that California itself is now vulnerable.

"There is a large Midwestern refugee community on the West Coast, especially around Long Beach," said Whitby. "Many are sympathetic to Gunderson and Uff Da, and police have intercepted several Winnebagos filled with Lutheran radicals as far west as Elko, Nevada."

"And remember, these men are fueled on a diet of bratwurst, dairy products and 3.2 beer," Whitby added ominously. "We can't rule out a biological attack."

Copyright 2001 David Burge. email iowahawk_98@yahoo.com

[Sidebar Moderator]

Brilliant, a whole new generation of FReepers have now been exposed to our own IowaHawk!

[Ragtime Cowgirl]

Holy hilarious, Iowahawk. I haven't laughed so hard since you had Gore milking chickens...thanks. (^:

[GOP_1900AD]

Ya, sure! Okee dokey! (Say, has the strife spread to Long Beach yet? ;)

[The Vast Right Wing]

And I am one of the Uff-Da sleeper agents in Ca, bwaahahahahahahahahah.....

[eureka!]

"Brilliant, a whole new generation of FReepers have now been exposed to our own IowaHawk!"

My thoughts too. Good to see IH back at it...

[untenured]

Many, especially the Lutheran hierarchy, came to see the outsiders as a threat to their culture and way of life, infidel crusaders bent on pillaging their cinnamon rolls and Old Style," said Whitby.

Does this have something to do with that whole "Missouri Synod" controversy?

The son of a wealthy Minneapolis basement paneling contractor and school secretary, analysts say Gunderson was radicalized after a chance 1972 meeting with teen actress Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady in the television program The Brady Bunch.

True story. A friend of mine (let's call him Jeff, as that is his name) used to live down the street in Woodland Hills from the family of Maureen McCormick. In high school he used to mow their lawn, and a couple of years later (in the mid-1980s) her dad hinted that he should ask her out. He never did, thoughtlessly depriving his later friends of a great story.

[lodwick]

Major Props to you, Hawk! bttt LMAO, thanks!

[ken5050]

Outstanding, Hawkman.....this is the best piece since the one about Clinton attending the women's soccer game at the Rose Bowl.....that's my all-time fav....

[driftless]

Another great one Hawk. However you've failed to add, although you've insinuated deeply, that these Lutherans are in fact....ta da.. Norwegians. It's been one thousand years, but they are finally taking their revenge. Look out for long ships and blond guys with horns on their baseball caps.

[small voice in the wilderness]

BRAVO!! And thanks for the laughs!

Should we prepare for casserole air drops into the area? I have a great recipe for Cheeseburger No-Peek Surprise. Just let me know if the situation starts to deteriorate.

[Dakmar]

Congratulations on yet another masterpiece.

You will be happy to know we are making progress against the Presbyterian infidels in our holy war on their heretical translation of the Green Bean Casserole Recipe. Anything less than a whole can of onion rings is an affront to all that is good and decent.

[borkrules]

Excellent. Thank you for the smile and laugh.

[Moosejaw]

I see -another case of Norwegian-American profiling! You should read this thoughtful article and learn the true impact of such hatful bigotry.

[Senator_Blutarski]

As they say in Sheboygan, "Ya hey, dat's is pretty good, huh? Goin' to da smelt fry tonight. She's Friday, ya know."

[Piquaboy]

Living here in Northeast Iowa I can appreciate the truth in all of this. Go! Uff da's.

[DouglasKC]

It's about darn time someone mentioned the problems in the midwest. All we ever hear about is the mideast. Mideast this, mideast that. Blah blah blah.

[kevkrom]

You are dangerously disturbed, Mr. Burge. Please don't ever change.

[jellybean]

As a former member of Uff Da, I can tell you that this group has even higher aspirations than suspected. Their semi-annual cow pie throwing contests, disguised as good clean family fun, are nothing more than training excersizes for the splinter group "Ya Dere Hey!".

I've infiltrated the local Dairy Queen, which seems to be the headquarters of the local "Ya Dere Hey!" cell. Is it any coincidence that one of their newest blizzard flavors is the "Grape Kool-Aide Explosion"? I think not!

[2 Kool 2 Be 4-Gotten]

This is brilliant, IH. My laptop screen will never be the same. Lived in Des Moines for four years and saw some pretty radical Lutherans there in my time, doncha know. Maybe you can clear this up. Can you explain the difference between Cavatelli and Cavatini? Could there be two camps of macaroni eaters and could that be one of the causes of the factionalism you describe?

[Eric in the Ozarks]

Another 'beaut, Hawk.

Moving to Missouri from Minnesota has brought both advantages and a few losses.
I once again find Anderson Erickson cottage cheese in grocery stores down here. But alas, no Leiney's.

[small voice in the wilderness]

Everything you say is true, but I have it on good authority (sorry, no names) that the real agitator is one Mrs. Florence Bigguns. Yes, the Episcopal Minister's wife. She substituted half the onion rings for an extra Cream of Mushroom Soup. Once the ploy was discovered, she wrote the newspaper with the Green Bean Casserole recipe, assigning the authorship to the Presbyterian Minister's wife. Mrs. Bigguns went underground for awhile, but surfaced just recently with a Brocolli Rice Casserole Topped With Onion Rings. Coincidence?

[christine]

good to see you again, IH! :)

[Dakmar]

Will such blasphemy never end?

[.38sw]

Shhh. Don't tell anyone else this but - I was born in North Dakota, am of German extraction (not norwegian, but oh well), grew up in the Lutheran Church, and now live in California. I'm just waiting for the signal...

[HoweverComma]

Tears streaming down my eyes, Coca-Cola blowing out of my nose, and my belly hurts from laughing so damn hard.

The amazing thing: although I am a first-generation descendent of converts to Californiaism (albeit from the Sunni Catholic side as opposed to the Shiite Lutheran side), I got all the references.

[patent]

"We still don't know where they get their toilet paper and spray paint, but we cannot rule out state sponsorship," said Shapiro. "Jesse Ventura denies any connection to Uff Da, but he may be intimidated by affiliated Lutheran extremists groups in Minnesota, like Hamm-as."

Well, we’re told that Jesse does consider himself one of the prime terrorist targets and has had his office checked, etc. Not that this is any different then the day before.

"And remember, these men are fueled on a diet of bratwurst, dairy products and 3.2 beer," Whitby added ominously. "We can't rule out a biological attack."

Ahem. Lutefisk anyone?

patent

[Iowa Granny]

A great read. The hardy Germans, South of 30 and East of 63, wear Levis and Pioneer gimmes. The women do not wear polyester,, they wear Levis and hooded sweatshirts. Trust me,,,, I know,,,,, *adjusting her hood and stomping away*

[HoweverComma]

Only the seriously insane would dare use weapons of lutefisk desctruction (WLD). The Governor of Nebrasksa has indicated that any attempt to use WLD would open the door to "massive and unlimited retaliation," and he placed the National Guard on full alert. Authorities are searching all vehicles crossing the Missouri River from Council Bluffs, Iowa, a known hotbed of Uff Da activity...developing...

[genew]

It's good to see you back at FR. Thanks, I've been needing a good laugh!

[IowaHawk]

This a big shout-out to my Northside Iowa corn crib. All y'all's gotz the mad flow and the wack casserole recipes.

Y'all be pourin' a Hamms on the ground for Thorvald G, the Original Allis-Chalmers Gangsta. Catch you on the otha side, my bruthah.

Peace out, Midwestsidaz.

[patent]

Only the seriously insane would dare use weapons of lutefisk desctruction (WLD). The Governor of Nebrasksa has indicated that any attempt to use WLD would open the door to "massive and unlimited retaliation," and he placed the National Guard on full alert.

Ya huff kepp our people in chains and Levi’s fer too long. Yur television and genetically engin’ered corn blaspheme the holy land!

Now ya must pay, dontcha know! Uff’da Akbar!

Authorities are searching all vehicles crossing the Missouri River from Council Bluffs, Iowa, a known hotbed of Uff Da activity...developing...

More tyranny, your violence against us is entirely unwarranted. It will only strengthen the holy warriors. Besides, it’ll never work, dontcha know. You can’t stop wat ya got comin.

patent

P.S., doesn't the guy in the picture look like a terrorist?

[WIladyconservative]

He envisions a vast homeland stretching from the Holy Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, eastward to the Wisconsin Dells. The geopolitical ramifications are unthinkable."

Standing and Cheering and generally giving Kudos to IowaHawk, from South East of the *Vast Homeland*.

Come by my house and whistle me out so my mudder can see who I hang by

[Darlin']

Hi IH,
Hilarious. I'm grateful you turned your considerable talent toward the Middle West and not my beloved South. I loved it.

[John Farson]

Greetings from beyond the Cheddar Curtain. ;-)

[Lurker]

ROFLMFAO!!!

But why now word of the mysterious and cult-like Amana colonies?

L

[driftless]

Ha ha...good one. I'll remember that every time my Norskie relatives make me choke down another helping of lutefisk. Not too bad with salt and butter...and catsup...and soda...and more catsup. Holding your nose helps too.

[Ragtime Cowgirl]

Pinging for the late shift. (^:

[xm177e2]

This is very clever, very funny.

[HoweverComma]

Bumpity-bump!

[retrokitten]

"He envisions a vast homeland stretching from the Holy Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, eastward to the Wisconsin Dells."

LOL! The Corn Palace has to be one of the top ten bizzare midwest tourist attractions!

[machman]

You know, I think they also have splinter groups here in Michigan. They may be forming an alliance with those radical West Michigan Dutch Reforms groups. ;^)

Brilliant IH. Right up there with the old IH classics from 98-99.

[xp38]

Congrats David...a wonderful read. Up to your usual standards. Another masterpiece.

[Don'tMessWithTexas]

Hawk, you are definitely a riot. I just e-mailed a complete copy of your essay to Jan Mickelson at WHO. I hope he gets a kick!

[IowaHawk]

I also suspected a casserole-related link in this whole business.

Keep your eyes open - I'm doing a whole series on the Midwestern conflict. Regards, IH

[Campion]

The following is a coded message for the Kolache underground. The Kolache underground is the only true representative of the oppressed German and Czech Catholic minority in the Dakotas, Iowa, and Nebraska.

Coded message follows:

From the land of sky-blue waters
Tow'ring pines, lofty balsams
Comes the beer refreshing
Hamms

End coded message.

Down with California! Down with the oppressors. Them Norskies is okay, 'cept for the Packer fans. You betcha.

[IowaHawk]

What about the rival Nebraska faction, the Runza Liberation Front?

[benjaminthomas]

Last night's attacks further cemented the Middle West's reputation as a powder keg of ethnic antagonism, religious extremism and delicious dairy products.

Classic.

[Greatgrandma]

IowaHawk: Brilliant. I guess this makes me an UffDa--a Lutheran (the controversial Missouri Synod type), and an Iowan.

I'm too old for actual combat but I can sew a mean flag.

[IowaHawk]

Andrea Mitchell bump.