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Snappy comebacks and one liners
strangecosmos

Posted on 01/07/2002 3:33:12 PM PST by damnlimey

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.

10)Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

28)I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

29)Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

30)My reality check bounced.

31)On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
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For all of us lacking in the witty repartee
and snappy come backs department ,some essential debating tools
1 posted on 01/07/2002 3:33:13 PM PST by damnlimey
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To: damnlimey
No thanks, but keep trying.
2 posted on 01/07/2002 3:36:55 PM PST by billhilly
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To: damnlimey
In a pinch, the good old; "Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your mom" always works. George Castanza used the wife one.
3 posted on 01/07/2002 3:40:15 PM PST by Texaggie79
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To: damnlimey
Some good ones! But let us not forget the Godfather of the snappy comebacks and oneliners, Groucho Marx:
  1. Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
  2. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
  3. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
  4. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  5. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
  6. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  7. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

4 posted on 01/07/2002 3:45:16 PM PST by COBOL2Java
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To: damnlimey
I've always liked

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a pissant's go-cart two laps around a Cheerio.

5 posted on 01/07/2002 3:46:01 PM PST by tacticalogic
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To: damnlimey
Thanks, I needed that. Now if I can just figure how to bookmark this article.......
6 posted on 01/07/2002 3:49:00 PM PST by SolitaryMan
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To: billhilly
OUCH
Thank you sir,may I have another?
7 posted on 01/07/2002 3:49:56 PM PST by damnlimey
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To: damnlimey
He: So then, what's your sign?

She: Dollar.

8 posted on 01/07/2002 3:50:20 PM PST by 3catsanadog
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To: damnlimey
If I were as intelligent as you, I'd probably think the same thing...but I earned an advanced degree.
9 posted on 01/07/2002 3:50:26 PM PST by TomGuy
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To: Texaggie79
Here's a quarter, go call someone who cares.
10 posted on 01/07/2002 3:53:04 PM PST by KayEyeDoubleDee
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To: damnlimey
and I came to this thread to get educated! ;-)
11 posted on 01/07/2002 3:54:40 PM PST by horsewhispersc
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To: KayEyeDoubleDee
That's sooooo old. Try here's a quarter and a dime....... Call cost more now days
12 posted on 01/07/2002 3:55:14 PM PST by Texaggie79
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To: horsewhispersc
"and I came to this thread to get educated! ;-)"

That'll teach you.

13 posted on 01/07/2002 3:56:48 PM PST by damnlimey
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To: Texaggie79
50 cents now on the east coast!
14 posted on 01/07/2002 3:57:28 PM PST by College Repub
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To: damnlimey
Along these same lines - Pointed Bumer stickers.

BUMPER STICKERS WITH A REAL MESSAGE - (CAUTION- COULD BE GRAPHIC)

15 posted on 01/07/2002 3:57:33 PM PST by stlrocket
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To: damnlimey
You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.
16 posted on 01/07/2002 3:58:32 PM PST by HockeyPop
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To: damnlimey
LOLOL
17 posted on 01/07/2002 4:00:53 PM PST by horsewhispersc
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To: damnlimey
Here's one to use only if you can back it up;

"You'll never be half the man your mother was."

18 posted on 01/07/2002 4:03:56 PM PST by Hillarys Gate Cult
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To: Texaggie79
Are you currently accepting Your Mom insults, considering your opening with post#3? If so, I'm tempted to make a comparison with the cost of a phone call and a certain member of your family.
19 posted on 01/07/2002 4:08:33 PM PST by KayEyeDoubleDee
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To: damnlimey
OUCH Thank you sir,may I have another?...............And I thank you sir, for taking it in the manner that it was intended.
20 posted on 01/07/2002 4:08:51 PM PST by billhilly
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To: billhilly
brtt
21 posted on 01/07/2002 4:09:49 PM PST by oyez
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To: damnlimey
Boy...your mother must have done a number on you.
22 posted on 01/07/2002 4:13:08 PM PST by freedomtrail
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To: damnlimey

I would have gone to work today, but a voice told me
to stay home and clean my guns.

 

23 posted on 01/07/2002 4:14:32 PM PST by Deep_6
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To: damnlimey
don rickles where are you??

watched 'kelly's heroe's' last night and rickles and another guy got blasted by the nazi outhouse.
after digging out and running into the guy named 'cowboy', he says 'phee-yeww, you guys smell like you just came out of a dung heap'!
rickles comes back with: 'kinda makes you feel at home, don't it'?

it-shay appens-hay!

24 posted on 01/07/2002 4:15:24 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: HockeyPop
On brain cells:

"The brain in your head is like a BB rolling around in a boxcar."

25 posted on 01/07/2002 4:19:28 PM PST by Looking4Truth
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To: damnlimey
A quote from George S. Kaufman, to a babbling young dinner companion that he was stuck sitting next to:

"Madame, do you have any unexpressed thoughts?"

26 posted on 01/07/2002 4:21:39 PM PST by Lizavetta
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To: rockfish59
"I'm drinking some wine, eating some cheese, and catching some rays, you know..."
27 posted on 01/07/2002 4:26:10 PM PST by tacticalogic
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To: KayEyeDoubleDee
Least my mom was smart enough to increase her price with inflation. Your's is still at 25 cents
28 posted on 01/07/2002 4:30:54 PM PST by Texaggie79
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To: oyez
gore/loserman 2000 bumper stickers for sale
29 posted on 01/07/2002 4:33:22 PM PST by veryconernedamerican
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To: veryconernedamerican
sorry sore/loserman
30 posted on 01/07/2002 4:33:45 PM PST by veryconernedamerican
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To: damnlimey
"Not only have you hit rock bottom, but have taken a pick and shovel and started digging."
31 posted on 01/07/2002 4:34:32 PM PST by antienvironmentalist
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To: antienvironmentalist
oh ya! that was one of my ad campaigns "rates have hit rock bottom"
32 posted on 01/07/2002 4:35:50 PM PST by veryconernedamerican
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To: veryconernedamerican
How about a coversation between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.

Nancy: "Winston, if I was your wife, I would poison your coffee."

Winston: "Nancy, If I was your husband, I would drink it."

33 posted on 01/07/2002 4:38:43 PM PST by antienvironmentalist
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To: oyez
brtt???
34 posted on 01/07/2002 4:44:53 PM PST by billhilly
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To: damnlimey
bump
35 posted on 01/07/2002 4:52:52 PM PST by Wordsmith
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To: tacticalogic
'woof, woof'
36 posted on 01/07/2002 4:58:58 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: College Repub
do they have dollar bill slots yet?
37 posted on 01/07/2002 5:00:00 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: damnlimey
I don't care what everyone else says, I don't think you're insane.....
38 posted on 01/07/2002 5:00:58 PM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: tacticalogic
my boss used to tell the one dimwit at work:

'when god gave out brains, you went up to him with a strainer'!

39 posted on 01/07/2002 5:01:26 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: rockfish59
My dad used to tell my brother and I

"You could screw up a ball bearing in a bucket of grease!"

40 posted on 01/07/2002 5:04:34 PM PST by tacticalogic
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To: damnlimey
I don't think your satellite is in geosynchronous orbit.
41 posted on 01/07/2002 5:14:40 PM PST by falfa
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To: damnlimey
I like your approach. Now let me see your departure.
42 posted on 01/07/2002 5:18:49 PM PST by Poohbah
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To: SolitaryMan
If you want to bookmark this page click http://www.freerepublic.com/perl/add-link. Next, save it to your browsers favorites list, then fill in the blanks by cutting and pasting and VI-O-LA (er... or sumthin' like that)

Great one liners. I sure wish that I could use them on a few people.

43 posted on 01/07/2002 5:22:54 PM PST by DeSoto
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To: DeSoto
Great one liners. I sure wish that I could use them on a few people.

Surely not on FR ?

44 posted on 01/07/2002 5:35:41 PM PST by tubebender
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To: antienvironmentalist
Two political arch-enemies encountered one another on a narrow sidewalk on a rainy day. Soon it became clear that one would have to step into the mud if they were to pass. "I never give way to a scoundrel." One muttered. The other stepped into the mud and tipped his hat, "I always do."

(wasn't the one who always does Daniel Webster?)

45 posted on 01/07/2002 5:43:09 PM PST by Cultural Jihad
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To: tubebender
Surely not on FR ?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. :)

46 posted on 01/07/2002 5:44:23 PM PST by Cultural Jihad
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To: damnlimey
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
He always finds himself lost in thought......it's unfamiliar territory.
He doesn't know the meaning of fear......but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works!
I'm impressed.........I've never met such a small mind in such a big head before.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
You're a habit I'd like to kick---with both feet.
I'd like to give you a going-away present...first, do your part.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.
Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
. . I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
You are not even beneath my contempt.
I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high.
I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid..
I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like this guy just gargled.
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
Whom am I calling 'stupid'? Good question. I don't know. What is your name?
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your total stupidity.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
Breathe the other way, please. Your opinions are bleaching my hair
You have got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food again on the way down.
I hear you changed your mind at last! What did you do with the diaper?
You grow on people....so does cancer.
If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra.
You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
He is so short that when it rains, he is always the last to know.
You really are as pretty as a picture. I know I'd love to hang you.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
There are only two things I dislike about her - her faces.
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?
I can tell that you are lying - your lips are moving.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person. She's the first in her family born without tail.
You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder - it would be an apocalypse!
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Ordinarily people live and learn, but you, you just live.
You are not as bad as people say - you are much, much worse.
Her origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under her family tree.
I know you always have your ear to the ground. How's life in the gutter?
Talk is cheap. but that's OK - so are you.
You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
Her mouth is dirtier than a rubber toilet seat.
He's better at sex than anyone. Now all he needs is a partner.
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
You're the best at all you do- and all you do is make people hate you.
She has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
People would follow him anywhere.....but only out of morbid curiosity.
His personality's split so many ways, he goes for group therapy on his own.
If truth is stranger than fiction, then you must be truth!
If sex were fast food, you'd have and M-shaped arch over your head.
Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
47 posted on 01/07/2002 5:55:12 PM PST by mommadooo3
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To: mommadooo3
If I can't bookmark this, I'll by golly bump it.
48 posted on 01/07/2002 6:09:30 PM PST by knarf
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To: damnlimey
Check these out:

FReeper Funnies

49 posted on 01/07/2002 6:10:58 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: damnlimey
And we all know someone who could f__k-up a wet dream.....
50 posted on 01/07/2002 6:12:21 PM PST by S.O.S121.500
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