Tonight, I am officially separated.

New Horizon | 02/26/2002 | New Horizon

[New Horizon]

FReepers, After months of silence, and weeks of my feebly attempted "negotiations", I have now discovered that there are no negotiations in keeping my family together. My wife of ten years, my son, and two beautiful daughters later, has decided to move on. She can't be with me any more. I suggested we stay together for the kids sake, at least, she said no. Perhaps she's right.

I'm shell shocked, to say the least, but I've felt it coming, as did she, for quite a while now. I knew it was coming, I just didn't expect it so soon, so final. Her mind is made up...mine wasn't. I can deal with the status quo, or any damn thing, when it comes to my kids.

Now, when I get home, she leaves. We communicate better via cellphones. Can you believe that? Total silence when we're together...ground-breaking decisions over the air.

I won't go into history too much, but we built our home together, built a family afterwards, then eventually upgraded afterwards...we were on a roll, or so I thought.

Soon, she moves out, with my family. My girls...I can't imagine how to explain this to them. My girls...I can't live without them.

How have others dealt with this? She has been married/divorced before. This is a first for me. I scared shitless. I'm looking for advice from the most intelligent people I know of.

She is kind-hearted and knows I'm a good father. She promises (and I believe her), that she would never keep the kids from me. I've heard some stories, though.

I haven't slept good in quite a while.

[SCalGal]

I'm so very sorry.

[TomServo]

She promises (and I believe her)..

And you believed her when she said, 'Til death do us part'.

I'd think twice.

[pro-life]

I will keep you in my prayers. The only advice I can give you is to trust in the Lord! He can use bad situations to do good through. Go to a quiet place and talk to God about it...it'll help you more than anything else ever could. God Bless ya.

[Dolphy]

I'm very sorry as well. I guess, if there is any solace, there certainly are families that make this work by keeping bitterness, hurt and the rest from the children's eyes.

[Betteboop]

just be the best dad you can be!!

[New Horizon]

I brought that up.

[Jhoffa_]

OMG, I am sorry.

Truly, this is a selfish woman..

Forgive (it's not easy, it will take some time.. you will never be able to do this ovrnight) and move forward.

Pray and do good, and God will reward you.. and he will punish her for her selfishness.

Marriage is God's Covenant, he expects it to be taken seriously, she broke this vow, she disregarded him and you to satisfy herself. Nothing could be more harmful, painful and wrong.

She is wrong, never forget that. Regardless of what society tells you.

[FR_addict]

... that she would never keep the kids from me

I'm sorry to hear this. Make sure to get joint custody. Don't rely on her "allowing you to see your own kids" You'll be very thankful that you went for joint custody in the long run.

[Brad's Gramma]

I'm really sorry. Please start in (if you haven't already) with the prayers. Prayers for forgiveness and forgiving. Prayers for the girls, for your wife, yourself. Give the whole situation to God....and let us know if we can help.

[mafree]

Sorry to hear this. I will pray that God works things out so that your family can remain together and be happy.

[FITZ]

If you can't save your marriage, then don't have a bitter divorce. No matter what has happened between the parents, the kids are who suffers most if the parents become bitter and angry.

It's a good time to do extra things with your kids ---take trips or something and be glad their mother doesn't want to deny you time with them.

[TomServo]

I brought that up.

Good deal. Maybe it'll give her somethin' to think about it.

[B-Chan]

Don't give up hope. Pray earnestly. Believe in a miracle.

My prayers for you and yours during this trial.

O Jesus, our most loving Redeemer, who having come to enlighten the world with Thy teaching and example, didst will to pass the greater part of Thy life in humility and subjection to Mary and Joseph in the poor home of Nazareth, thus sanctifying the Family that was to be an example for all Christian families, graciously receive the family of this thy servant as he dedicates and consecrates himself to Thee this day. Do Thou protect it, guard it and establish amongst its members Thy holy fear, true peace and concord in Christian love: in order that by living according to the divine pattern of Thy holy family we may be able, all of us without exception, to attain to eternal happiness.

Mary, dear Mother of Jesus and Mother of us all, by thy kindly intercession make this our humble offering acceptable in the sight of Jesus, and obtain for us His graces and blessings.

O Saint Joseph, most holy Guardian of Jesus and Mary, help us by thy prayers in all our spiritual and temporal needs; that so we may be enabled to praise our divine Savior Jesus, together with Mary and thee, for all eternity. Amen.

x

[jackbill]

Happened to me in the early 70's, but I didn't give in. I got sole custody of my four kids (ages 6 to 12). Why aren't you trying?

[falfa]

I haven't been exactly where you are, but I have lived on the edge of it - complete with separation. You and your family are in my prayers. Two things I did learn along the way, (1) make a vow to each other that you will NEVER, EVER use your children to communicate your displeasure with each other. When you tell your children hateful things about your spouse, it impacts them dramatically because they know, consciously or unconsciously, that half of who they are came from each of you. No matter how much you hurt, don't yield to that huge temptation. (2) Also make a vow that you will maintain the same standards of behavior for your children now as you had before. When we were separated, I was advised this by my minister and it was incredible how huge that is.

If you have a faith in God, just pray to get through the next hour, then the next day, then the next week. It will get easier. (And I found that God did not strike me dead for some ranting and raving I did in His direction either.)

God bless and comfort you and hold you in His arms.

[New Horizon]

We're going to do that...I'm not sure how, exactly. We will live close to one another. She's an extremely rational gal...she seems to have been thinking all of the angles long before me.

Stay together, and be miserable...live apart, and be "happy". At this juncture, it almost makes sense.

[FITZ]

Make sure to get joint custody.

That's good advice. Also be agreeable but try to make sure the kids can't be relocated without your consent. Try not to fight with your wife because that just makes the lawyers rich ---settle as much things between the two of you. If you're really nice, she's likely to feel more guilt and give in to more also.

[Unknown Freeper]

Please, no matter how bad things may get between you and your ex, do what you have to do to make sure your children know that you love them. Please.

[SEAL6]

Been there amigo. Drop me an email if you want to talk.

[ThePoetsRaven]

Hang in there. I know you don't want to hear that..but...what else can you do. She won't keep your children from you...no way. The best thing to do is talk to whomever has the patience to listen. It's a great healer. You're suffering now but you have to be strong. Don't let this get you down for too long. Besides, men always fair better in the end. Or so they say. Most of all keep busy.

[bmwcyle]

I am divorced twice. I am about to get engaged again. Life goes on but it goes better with a good lawyer. I have said the vows but many think that the grass is greener somewhere else. If you get to the point that she wants the marriage to end don't beat yourself up. Find what you did wrong and change it and find out what you do right and keep it. God Bless and the future can be bright again. I know.

[yooper]

Buck up, me laddie. It will get better. In the meantime you may want to talk to your pastor, reverend, priest, etc.

Hang in there!

[CobaltBlue]

God bless you. You are going through one of the hardest things any human being has to do. It ranks right up there with the death of a spouse, the death of a parent, the death of a child. However, you have the extra burden of feeling that this did not have to be.

My heart goes out to you. I am praying for you to survive this and grow stronger.

Even though it may not seem like it, every day will get a little bit easier. It will take a long time to get over this. Maybe a year, maybe two years.

So don't blame yourself or feel impatient because you can't seem to move on. Give it time.

[rface]

I remember when my parents called it quits. I was the oldest at 17, my youngest brother was 13 or 14. It was a punch in the gut for all of us.

I am now 41 (I cannot believe it was so long ago) and all us brothers have done well with ourselves...after some big bumps in the roads. I know our parents had some tough stuff happen to them too....but they never talked to us kids about it.....but even my parents are doing pretty good these days. The passing of time evens things out.

I guess you do what you can to get through the tough times that are right around the corner, and I want to let you know that things can get better.

Keep a level and don't turn into a drunk.

I'll pray for you whether you want me to or not.

Ashland, Missouri

[Map Kernow]

Very sorry to read this. The several states vary so much in the way they treat the various issues involved in a dissolution---custody, support, visitation, property division---that you have GOT to see a reputable lawyer---preferably a certified family law specialist if your state has such certifications---to determine your rights *NOW*. That's honestly the best advice I can give you; while I hope and pray that things will stay calm, rational, and amicable between your wife and you, you must be prepared for anything. Take care and God bless you and your family.

[JRandomFreeper]

Get some sleep.
It doesn't get better for a few years. But you and the kids can make it.
Be the best father that you are allowed to be.
Don't be bitter over the money.
Turn it over to God.
Don't drink or do drugs to get away from it.
Don't hurt anyone, even yourself.
Talk to your friends, like you have done here tonight. (freepmail suggested).

God bless and keep you and your family. ATRW prayer bump.

/john

[VRWC_minion]

Had it happen to me about 20 years ago. I was devastated at the time. I prayed a real lot. I changed a lot. My first wife was having an affair, plus drinking problem.

today, I thank God almost everday for my new wife of 16 years, my and new children and most importantly our relationship with God.

Take it one day at a time, pray often, get a support group of clergy and people who have been recently divorced etc. (marrieds cannot identify).

[Rome2000]

There are worse things in life.

You could have been received a terminal diagnosis from a doctor, or suffered through the untimely death of a loved one.

That being said, be strong and manly.

Immerse yourself in work and good deeds, and remember that there are thousands of women looking for eligible mates, and that you are merely embarking on another one of lifes many adventures.

You will survive.

[Thumper1960]

No need to feel scared. I'm sure that you are, but that is human nature in these events. I've been where you are and it isn't easy. It can be compared, in a way, to 'death' in that there is grieving, disbelief, sorrow, guilt, depression and a host of other negatives. But, it is not the end. It is the beginning of a new phase. Now, don't think that you have to handle it all on your own. Communication here; with a counseling group; your spiritual advisor; a licensed family counselor and/or your family doctor is helpful. Your first priority is to get some good sleep and focus on those things you can change and control. Take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual health. Your daughters deserve a healthy dad.

Just my two cents. Others will certainly be more eloquent and rich with constructive advice.

Stay well!

[pray4liberty]

Even though you are separated, have you suggested marriage counseling? I got the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and I can say that Dr. John Gray helped to save my marriage. They have a website and affiliated counselors. Even if she won't go, perhaps you could.

At least, read the book. Most libraries have it. It is a real help, believe me, and will help you cope with her in the future--regardless of what happens.

God bless you, we are praying for you here in Delaware.

[Jhoffa_]

Take it one day at a time, pray often, get a support group of clergy and people who have been recently divorced etc. (marrieds cannot identify).

Amen, the last thing he needs is help from the "easy to talk" crowd.

total bump..

[mickie]

My advice to you.......get yourself the best lawyer you can find......you will need one. She will rake you over the coals!
Some people think that only the woman gets hurt.......but this is obviously not the case.
Stay strong.....now is not the time to fall apart.
My prayers and best wishes to you, fella.

[CharacterCounts]

Trust in God

But get yourself a good lawyer.

Quickly.

[VRWC_minion]

Oh yeah, practical stuff. Get a lawyer, cancel joint crdit cards and other accounts like the phone. Close joint checking accounts.

I know you don't want to but do it anyway.

[New Horizon]

Because I know her.

She wants us to work together...at this point, I'm willing. I am crying, but willing.

If she says she would never do anything to keep me away from my princesses, I truly believe her.

Should I not? I have been "with her" for 15 years.

[New Horizon]

I guarantee that!

[4CJ]

My prayers for you sir.

[RJL]

I haven't gone through this, so I can't give any advise, but a prayer has been sent.

[wimpycat]

Make sure you get a good lawyer. Whatever she says now, you never know, she might change her mind, she may have just been being "nice" just to make the break easier, to keep you from getting pissed off. Get a good lawyer and make sure you get joint custody, and don't pay alimony without a fight. Child support by all means, but alimony? She's the one who left.

FR_addict's right--get the legal stuff hammered out now. DO NOT give up your rights by relying on her word. She may ordinarily be a good-hearted person, but you don't want your ability to be a part of your children's lives to rely on her whims. It's nothing personal or vengeful, just good common sense.

[Polybius]

She promises (and I believe her), that she would never keep the kids from me.

That is not for her to decide. Why put yourself at her mercy?

Get yourself the best lawyer you can afford and seek joint custody.

[eastforker]

Sometimes a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.Ditto for women.I am not advocating what she is doing mind you,not at all.Each and everyone of us has to justify in our own mind what we feel is best for yourself,your loved ones,whomever.There are many times when an individual just needs some space for a while to think things out,without outside interferance.All most everyone goes through a midlife crisis and it can come at anytime and everyone reacts differantly.Some couples only realize how much they love and need one another after they separate for a while.Keep the old chin up New Horizon,there may be a new horizon for you.

[RAT Patrol]

I'm sorry this happened.

Here's my advice: Do not beg or be sorry. Face up to the fact that she's a jerk but don't let it turn you into one. Go on with your life and be thankful you don't have to live with someone that doesn't love you anymore. (I know, it's hard, but you can't force someone to keep their vows.)

A good book is James Dobsons "Love Must be Tough". Many of the situations may or may not apply but it will give you good advice on the attitude you should have.

Lastly, remember you always have friends at FR!

[RnMomof7]

I am so sorry. I came from a "broken " home.I will pray for you and your family.

[Brett66]

You definitely should have a lawyer. I've been divorced for a year now and what they say and what they do (after conspiring evil with her man-hating friends) are two different things. Protect yourself.

[Senator Pardek]

Great story! I'm happy for you.

[IronJack]

It's a grieving process. Nothing will hurry it along. You get through it one lousy, stinking day at a time. Then one day you wake up and you realize that it's not a lousy, stinking day. It's actually clear and bright and brimming with future.

Don't ever forget your kids. Don't ever use them as tools. And keep in mind that you've probably lived through things just as difficult. You'll make it.

Hang in there, dude. You've got friends. Use 'em.

[FITZ]

You also have to brace yourself that she may have someone else. Divorce isn't the time to trust someone so you have to make sure you get that in writing about time with your kids. I wouldn't bother fighting over the material stuff much ---just get what is more or less fair. I've seen people end up paying more to their lawyers than they actually got by fighting over every possession.

[El Gato]

If it's just a separation, it's not the end of the world, although you can probably see the end of the world from your location. Try to talk her into marriage counsling. It worked for my wife and I a few years ago. But it took several months of separate living (I got the house and younger daughter though) before she decided that we should try to make a go of it. To this day I'm not quite sure what went down, but it was basically lack of communication, I think.