Mothers Day Food Fight Over Million Mom March

Deja.Com (Usenet Post to alt.showbiz.gossip) ^ | May 14, 2000 | PeepPeep aka Janice aka the Missouris Bootheel Queen

[PJ-Comix]

Gang, THIS gal is SOOOO PO'd I can barely move, talk, eat or ANYthing!!

Believe it!!

I'm madder than a wet hen & STILL buzzin' like a wasp *hours* after suffering through yet ANother Holiday from Hell, courtesy of Hill/Billy!!

!@#$%!!

What IS it w/ those g-danged 'toons & their BIzarre penchant for ruining h-o-l-i-d-a-y-s?!

W-H-Y, Lord?!

Sheesh, they *annihilated* last Easter w/ their cutesy little jack-booted SS-raid & *now* they've gone & trashed one of THE most precious of holidays: Mother's Day!!

W-H-Y?!

Sugars, my kin usu. eat our holiday-meal around 3:30 in the PM -- to allow for lots of chit-chattin', hooch-sippin' & relaxin' after the big meal, but THIS holiday things turned out a TAD different.

Hell, yes!!

My sis-in-law, Nicole, (German-gal who met/married my regular-army bro in Germany) was to do "the honors" -- cook the holiday-meal for THIS gal's family, my sis' family & my other brother's family. Nic's the only one of us kin-gals who ain't a mother yet, so she always does the Mother's Day meal -- ever since my other sis-in-law gave birth 3 Augusts ago.

Well, THIS gal dolled-up my two precious pumkins in their ribbons & bows & was *just* about to head out to the car to drive over to my brother's, when, low & behold, my sis-in-law phones moi & sasses that she wants to attend the "million" mom rally downtown & -- because of that -- dinner won't be ready 'til about 5:30.

Well, what the !@#$%?!

Gang, I lovingly *tried* to explain to Miss Nic that in *our* sane & sensible Bootheel town, there'd prolly be but a handful of local-lOOns crazy *enough* to demand that the Gov't (esp. THIS crazy-assed, atrocity-prone "administration") infringe on our precious 2nd-Amendment Right, but, no, Miss Nicole HAD to go, "protest" & see for herself!!

Dang fool!!

So, b/w gritted teeth, I said "OK, fine, we'll be over at 5."

*click*

S-O, after waitin' 'round for 2 hours like bumps on a log, me & my babies *finally* hightail it over to my brother's house where EVERYbody's PO'd at my sis-in-law for delaying dinner two hours, BUT we all sit down to dinner peaceful-like & mannerly.

Natch, the ditzy-dummkopf didn't have any hooch in the house, so the tension-level is beginning to make the wallpaper peel, but, since we're all expecting a beautiful roast (?!) ham (?!) or leg-or-lamb (!!), we're still wearing our holiday-smiles........UNTIL the little missus comes out of her kitchen & plops down a re-heated dutch-oven full of "apricot chicken" with "spetchle" (sp?) (German noodles).

WHAT in tarnation........?!

We all looked at her (desperately) hoping for a *LOL* & a "j/k", but, nope, she was *dead* serious, gang.

Miss Nic didn't have "time" to cook a roast with the "rally" & all, she sassed.

!@#$%!!

So, by THIS time, my fur's standing up like a porcupine's needles & I open the dutch over, see the re-heated "slop" (it WAS slop, gang -- mush, soup, ech! -- it had to be *weeks* old) & I sass, "WHY didn't you tell us beforehand, hon, someone else could've cooked?"

Well, apparently, THAT set her off -- she shook like an epileptic, ran into the kitchen & started sobbing!!

So, her hubby (my bro) goes to the kitchen to console her (after giving *ME* a dirty-look) (jerk!!) while the rest of us sit w/ our arms-crossed over our grumblin' tummies, PO'd & wondering if there ain't a restaurant in town that's open?!

Anyways, five minutes later, the lovely couple emerge from the kitchen as if NOthing's wrong, blithely pass out china/silverware &, apparently, *expect* us to eat the dutch-oven slop that's still settin' on the table & filling the dang house w/ a God-awful "aroma".

Well, UNsurprisingly, it took about *5* minutes for all of us to get into a BIG, LOUD argument re: the topic du jour: gun-control. In b/w the heated-rhetoric, my ever-lovin' bro brought up the notion that -- as a German gal -- Miss Nic should be esp. sensitive re: gun-control b/c banning guns (registering & then rounding 'em up) is how the SS-goons were able to cart off millions of Jews & other "undesirables" to concentration camps.

Well, w/ that spiel, Miss Nic snapped like a twig, gang.

She let loose w/ a stream of German obscenities that ended w/ something that sounded suspiciously like "asshole". My BP was going thru the roof, the apricots were sticking b/w my teeth & I was worried about my pumkins hearing all this dang nonsense from the kiddie-table in the next room, so I'm not sure if I can be blamed for what I did next -- calling Nic "a crazy, god-damned bitch" & throwing water in her face.

Nic's English ain't that great, so I was hoping she wasn't familiar w/ that particular expression, but, apparently she *was* b/c the next thing I saw was a handful of greasy "spetchle" (sp?) flung at me & landing ALL over my precious crowning-glory & kisser!!

!@#$%?!

&, the *next* thing I knew, food, drink (& curses) were flying everywhere.

On *Mother's Day*!!

Good Lord, forgive us ALL!!

Well, *somehow* I managed to grab my pumkins' hands & we tore outta that bungalow like bats heading outta hell on a one-way ticket!

Believe it!!

We sped through Mickey D's on the way home but we were *barely* able to keep down the burgers & fries (or was it chicken McNuggets?!) amidst all the shaking & nerve-jangling!!

Anywho, we're currently in hour 4 of our "healing-process" from Mother's Day.

But I honestly don't know if I'll EVER be able to talk to Miss Nic again!!

& THIS gal lays the blame at the doorstep of the 'toon administration for turning a nice, restful day honoring Mothers into a divisive, polarizing spectacle.

!@#$% a-holes!!

ZIP hugs, Janice, ALready beginning to experience anxiety re: the up-coming holiday: Father's Day, Flag Day, the Fourth of July................!!

[PJ-Comix]

This story was originally published two years ago on the UseNet by PeepPeep. I thought it was the FUNNIEST Mother's Day Story ever written so I am posting it here for your enjoyment.

Oh, an update on Peeps' sister-in-law, Nicole. Since the publication of this story, she has seen the light and is NO LONGER a gun grabber.

I have been begging PeepPeep for years to submit her many hilarious stories to periodicals for publication but, thus far, she hasn't taken my advice even though I think she is the funniest short story writer out there. Read this story here and I think you'll agree about my assessment.

[BigWaveBetty]

Tarnation that wuz a goodun! :-)

[fnord]

lol bump

[PJ-Comix]

I've been BEGGING Peeps for years to send in her stories to periodicals for publication. Peeps has the wildest (mis)adventures ever. She lives in the Missouri Bootheel and her headquarters there is Mike's Wayside Inn which is populated by all sorts of funny characters. Once Peeps won a contest at Mike's Wayside Inn where the prize was a trip to Paris...Texas. Somehow Peeps managed to change that prize to a trip to Paris, France and once there, all sorts of misadventures ensued. Every few months Peeps packs up her "pumpkins," as she calls her kids, and heads out to various locales, such as a chateau in Switzerland, for more hilarious adventures.

It's just too bad that I can't convince her to write for publication.

[PJ-Comix]

Here is Peeps' UseNet post about the time she ended up in Paris, France instead of Paris, Texas:

WHAT *THIS* GAL NEEDS IS A GOOD DEFENSE .....

'CUZ I'M FEELIN' LIKE A CRIMINAL!!

Believe it, babies!!

And how!!

Hugs,
Janice, who WOULD have left word re: my European tour if it wasN'T borne from a mix-up at the travel-office after I won (!!) the annual suitcase-party at Mike's Wayside Inn to Paris, *TX* & wound up on an Air **FRANCE** jetliner!!

Shoosh, gang, Mike's gonna be out for THIS gal's b-l-o-o-d when he sees the bill$ from George V & realizes "George V" aiN'T referring to George's V(ictory) in 2000!!

Hell, yes!!

[PJ-Comix]

Here is a Peeps UseNet post in reply to someone else who asked about her Paris trip:

HRH deigned:

<< Dahling, how fabulous! Welcom back! There was a whole thread speculating on your departure, I'm so glad it wasn't, like, aliens with anal probes, or The King Of Terror.Did the pumkins go with you? >>

Yes, baby, my precious pumkins DID come w/ & they took off TWO whole weeks of school, but I figure the educational/cultural experience will pay off & make them SKIP a grade (or two) next year .........:-)

I DO believe the three l-o-n-g days they spent in the TROP-fab Louvre just outright TRANSformed them -- thru something akin to osmosis!!

Believe it!!

Though my Christian elder-relations would s~p~i~n in their graves, my youngest pumkin is beginning to paint Papist-like crucifixion scenes w/ her water-color set while my older pumkin is carving Madonnas out of Ivory soap bars using popsicle sticks!!

(BTW, THIS gal found a piece of soap on the kitchen sink that looked an AWful lot like the fanny of Adonis, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on THAT one.

Darn tootin'!!)

Hugs, Janice, also a TAD taken aback by their singing "Bubba saw London, Bubba saw France, Bubba saw Monica Lewinsky's underpants" ALL the way home!!

[RippleFire]

also a TAD taken aback by their singing "Bubba saw London, Bubba saw France, Bubba saw Monica Lewinsky's underpants" ALL the way home!!

LOL!

Give the lady a cigar! No, wait a minute...

[lodwick]

;-) bttt

[Jeff Head]

Great story.

Those foolish, "useful idiots" are what inspired our 50 Million Round March

Regards.

[SuziQ]

Though my Christian elder-relations would s~p~i~n in their graves, my youngest pumkin is beginning to paint Papist-like crucifixion scenes w/ her water-color set while my older pumkin is carving Madonnas out of Ivory soap bars using popsicle sticks!!

What a hoot!! I'd pay real money to read a book of HER stories!!

[NYCVirago]

She sounds like the female Ed Anger!

[PJ-Comix]

What a hoot!! I'd pay real money to read a book of HER stories!!

I've been BEGGING Peeps to write for periodicals for years now but so far no luck. However, Peeps is very well known on the UseNet where her posts are legendary.