Polar bear kills last villager

Sydney Morning Herald ^ | 10.16.03

[Kenny Bunk]

Yabut, our attack took more than one bear. I don't know where the international refs are going to come down on this one. While they are looking at the replay, we need more scores.

I am also worried that our bears may have lost their "edge," what with the lavish supplies available in your average American dump. The Russki bears, trying to scavenge amongs heaps of empty plastic vodka bottles, may be a mite more testy.

Go bears!

[witnesstothefall]

Polar bears are never aggressive but often hungry.

[U S Army EOD]

No our attack only took one bear and got two humans. There may have been another bear at the scene but he was only rubber necking the incident. "My Proof" Timmy only screamed, "hit the bear in the head with something". He did not scream, "hit those bears in the heads". We have this on tape. (Kind makes you wonder if we will get to hear the tape on Worlds Funniest Animal Videos some day). Also I don't think his girl friend was as dumb as she sounds. Had she noticed Timmy had two bears on him she would have never told him to play dead. Even she could have figured out that if Timmy had two bears on him at once, either he was already dead or would be soon. Therefore he did not need to play dead further supporting the one bear theory.

Also, actually the other bear attack took place on our island. Or at least it was our island when the bear was born even though Clinton gave the island to the Russians. Since the bear was born an American bear he gets to stay an American even though he ate a Russian. Actually the Russian the bear ate what may have been an American even though the attack took place in Russia. This means we still have at least a 2 to 1 edge over the Russian bears and possibly, based on my school of thought, a 3 to 0 edge over the Russians.

Now I am sure the Russians have us beat in the wolf vs. human area. Every time you see a wolf that appears to be drunk in Russia means that the wolf found some Russian passed out in a ditch somewhere from drinking his normal daily consumption of vodka.

[Kenny Bunk]

Well, this island ownership issue certainly will affect the judging of this contest. All I can say is that when I was boy studying geography (Yes EOD It was a separate subject for nigh on many a year) this Wrangell Island was US territory. Had I noticed Bill giving it away, I certainly would have objected.

In regard to the Drunken Wolf Attack Series, we are putting that off until 2005, when we can restock the wolf population around the Kennedy Compound. That might give us a fighting chance against these Russkis. That is, if Hyannisport has not been ceded to them by then. I am usually against ceding American territory and rights, but with Massachusetts, I could be persuaded otherwise, if they will promise to take all the Kennedys.

[U S Army EOD]

I don't think your wolf experiment will work at the Kennedy Compound. The wolves will end up back on the endangered animal species as a result of this. I predict that many a wolf will meet its end by going off bridges or suffering mass rape attacks. And we won't find out about any of this until a day or two later when the big fat Kennedy sobers up enough to be confronted by the news media.

One other thing to keep in mind in regard to your judgement of the bears. At the end of WWI we sent troops to Russia to support the White Russians (good guys) against the Red Russians (evil commie bad guys) meaning the White Russians were on our side. I leave you to ponder this question, WHAT COLOR IS A POLAR BEAR??? (Of course since bears are messy eaters, I can understand the confusion after it has had its meal).

[U S Army EOD]

You have Pandas and Polar Bears confused, this could get you killed if you met a Polar Bear in the Jungle.

[JoeSchem]

She probably had big hair, like the woman in the first row who provoked the tiger into 'protecting' Roy.

[U S Army EOD]

The bells don't go ON the bears, they end up IN the bears.

[Kenny Bunk]

This started out as a serious wildlife preservation discussion. But now you have turned to wanton criticism of ALL the Kennedy's. They are not all the same.

I only wanted to feed the younger Kennedys to the restored-to-Massachusetts wolves. No one would miss them, except local law enforcement. But certainly, if some slavering beast were to tear a hunk of blubber off Sen. Ted, it could set back the country's urgent drive toward converting to ethanol fuels for energy independence. Women, minorities, and the children would suffer.

Sen. Ted, as you ought to well know, has selflessy experimented with total conversion to ethanol as his personal fuel source, as a rightheous example for the rest of us petro-wasters. You right-wing conservatives have proven once again that you are (A) against the environment and (B) an obstacle to enlightened science.

In re your semi-hostile comments against the socialist bear comrades: Polar Bears are naturally white in color. By dyeing their hides red, and only taking part in practice attacks, the younger bears gain an extra year of eligibility in the official international Bear Attack Series.

I have had words with Shermy, and we are agreed: any more intemperate remarks and you are off the Animal Attack Directory Board of Supervisors.

[U S Army EOD]

I never said anything at all about feeding all of the older Kennedy' to the wolves. This includes especially, Jack, Bobby, and Joe. First of all you would have to dig them up and even then I don't think you could get the wolves to eat them.

Also, I never indicated that anyone DYE any bears red. I just said that a portion of the bear will turn red on its own while eating old eskimo women or singing hippies.

If I am going to get kicked off the board, I just might join the other side. Remember everyone has their point of view such as our late little hippy friend Timmie the bear tamer and meal ticket. I don't know if in your very short life have ever been to a circus. In case you are not aware, in a lot of these circuses they have DANCING BEARS. Even though they are wild animals, I doubt very much if you can get a bear to dance with out music. (Unless you put lighted matches between his toes or something). I think a bear would feel pretty stupid dancing around without a band or at least someone singing. Perhaps I can defend Timmy in some way because he was only trying to get the bear to dance. In fact the bears could have been merely doing some kind of bear square dance with the move of "Eat your partner".

Let me know if you still want me on your team, because I can apply my interpretation of logic to anything and any side.

[U S Army EOD]

When you live at the North Pole, what else are you going to eat besides meat????

[Focault's Pendulum]

They told me that the bear almost got the plane! It ran up to it and chased it as it was taking off and tried to grab it, just as they got off the ground...

My ex wife appears to be slowing down.

[Kenny Bunk]

Well, we are actually tepid as to your place on the team. Because of your rash and whimsical statements, PETA now thinks we condone giving various Ursus types the ole hotfoot.

However, I am not able to accept your half-hearted, somewhat sotto voce quasi-resignation without a quorum present. Your confrères are presently engaged in field work on Wrangel Island (note improved sp) and are non-contactable.

Besides, due to the high viz, high respo nature of board membership, no other freeper has thrust himself forward. So, you will serve, i.e., will serve, until dismissed by Shermy. While we figure this out, we suggest you get off terrestial attacks altogether, and look into reports of Tasmanian Shark Attacks. There have been several. But with typical antipodean insouciance, the attacks, bloody and spectacular as they may well be, have been made totally without reference to the carefully nuanced animal attack calendar.

It's a jungle out there. (as well as a seriously mixed metaphor, to which you have contributed in no small measure with your cavalier attitude, in this of all things, an Olympic countdown year. BTW, The Greeks are pressing for octopus attacks to be included, but every octopus in their home waters has been marinated. Perhaps you could look into that, while senior staff considers your status?)

[U S Army EOD]

I will check the dictionary to find out if I have been offended and get back to you.

[ZULU]

Aside from planton and fish - nothing.

I believe current theory holds that Polar bears are very close, genetically, to Brown bears and Grizzlies.

The extinct Short-faced bear's closest relative is the small, reclusive and rare Andean Bear.