Skip to comments.Single and smiling
Posted on 02/14/2004 11:12:45 AM PST by qam1
Stacy Hoilett is single. So is her younger sister, Aisha. Today, Valentine's Day, the two plan to ignore the barrage of commercials for flowers, chocolates and diamonds and party hearty with their single friends.
''Just because I'm single, it doesn't mean I'm sitting around the house waiting for the phone to ring,'' says Stacy, 30, a kindergarten teacher. 'We're not hanging around saying, `Poor us.' ''
Aisha, 29, a third-grade teacher, agrees: ``It's just another day.''
In this era of reality television courtship shows like Average Joe and The Bachelorette, the acceptance of singledom may seem a bit odd. But for a growing number of men and women, being single provides many benefits, including privacy and the freedom to come and go as they want.
''I always say golfing is my job and fishing is my hobby,'' says Alex Romani, a 27-year-old golf pro in Fort Lauderdale. ``I love it that I have time to do both.''
Eduardo Dieppa, a 30-year-old accountant, puts it this way: ``If I'm going to be single, I'm going to enjoy it and meet a lot of people. Most of my friends are pretty content with it, and we all enjoy each other. We do go out a lot.''
This doesn't mean that, given the right circumstances and the right person, single people wouldn't couple off. In fact, every singleton interviewed, man or woman, Baby Boomer or Generation X, insisted that meeting a soul mate was still important. They have nothing against marriage, either.
''I have money to travel, I own my own place, and I've got my career, so I'm ready,'' says Dieppa, who will also be finishing his law degree this spring. ``But I'm not going to get into a relationship just to be with someone. It has to be the right person.''
That sentiment -- a preference to go it alone instead of being with the wrong person -- was echoed repeatedly. Listen:
From Norma Agras, a 52-year-old divorced mother of two grown children: 'I'm not closing myself off to the possibility of meeting someone, but I like my life the way it is. My motto is: `My life, my terms.' ''
From David Porras, 32, of Williams Island: ``This is temporary, but I'm going to take my time. I want it to be right.''
And from Romani: ``It's nice to have someone to share things with, but what's the hurry?''
Though 9 of 10 Americans will eventually get married, more and more are postponing marriage. The median age at first marriage for women increased by 4.3 years, to 25.1. between 1970 and 2000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. For men, the increase was by 3.6 years, to 26.8 years.
The percentage of people who have never married is also increasing. For example, 72.8 percent of women between 20 and 24 had never tied the knot in 2000. In 1970, that was 35.8 percent. As you slide up the age scale -- 25 to 29 -- the percentage of never-marrieds actually tripled, from 10.5 percent to 38.9 percent. The same holds true for men: 51.7 percent of 25- to 29-year-old men were still single in 2000 compared with 19.1 percent in 1970.
Some say we are approaching the day when the United States will be an unmarried majority nation. Already, 49.5 percent of the country's households are headed by unmarried adults, and even if you factor in cohabitation arrangements, the figure remains high. There are now more households with people living alone -- 26 percent -- than households occupied by married couples with children, 25 percent.
''The assumptions of the '50s don't apply to the 21st century,'' says Thomas F. Coleman, executive director of Unmarried America, a California-based group that bills itself as a civil rights organization working against marital status discrimination. ``It's not a revolution but an evolution.''
In Florida alone, according to 2002 Census data, there were more than 5.2 million unmarried adults, making it one of a handful of states with an unmarried majority (51.1 percent). Of those, 1.8 million lived alone. Some cities scored high on the single household numbers, too: Miami (63.4 percent), Miami Beach (72.6 percent), Fort Lauderdale (67.8 percent), and Hollywood (58.5 percent)
''There are many more choices out there now,'' Coleman adds. ``You can't just turn back the clock.''
THE NEW CONTINUUM
Demographers and sociologists say there are many reasons why we are redefining the traditional school-marriage-children continuum: economically self-sufficient women, high divorce rates, the fear of making a mistake and increased commitment to careers.
''My parents got divorced when I was 13,'' Aisha Hoilett says, ``and that affected me. I want to get married one time, and I want to get it right.''
Whatever their reason for going solo, their sheer numbers are changing the way we think of families, even, perhaps, the way we think of Valentine's Day. Sasha Cagen, a San Francisco writer, has just published a book about this phenomenon. Titled Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, her book has hit the media circuit with a vehemence. She calls today's singles a group that ``resists the tyranny of coupledom in favor of independent self-expression.''
What's more, being single doesn't mean you're alone. Nor does it mean you're a loner. Quirkyalones, she adds, are actually very social and have many friends.
Last year Cagen organized the first Quirkyalone International Day, celebrated in New York, San Francisco, Providence, R.I., and Glasgow, Scotland. This year parties are also planned in more cities. The date: Today, coinciding with Valentine's Day.
''We're going through a major historical transition,'' Cagen says. ``The meaning of the word itself is changing. It's no longer this pitiful worrisome state. Being single isn't horrible. It's really being seen more as a choice and something that can be positive and fulfilling.''
HIP TO BE SINGLE
Not too long ago, she adds, single women over 25 were considered old maids. Now it's hip to be single. Consider the enormous popularity of Sex and the City, of the advent of single servings, and of housewarming and birthday registries for singles at stores like Williams-Sonoma and Pottery Barn.
Yet, while the idea of spinsterhood is a blast from the past, women still face a muted social stigma. How else to explain why several women, many of whom are actively dating and successful in their careers, refused to be interviewed for this story?
One, a 30-something, said: ``We talk a good game. Reality is, all of us eventually want to meet that perfect someone.''
Reality is, too, that the pressure grows as women get older. Aisha Hoilett says friends and family often ask her why she hasn't coupled off, and the questions are particularly pointed at weddings and bridal showers.
'You end up asking yourself, `Am I too picky?' But then you hear about a split-up, and I think I would rather be safe than sorry.''
Ping list for the discussion of the politics and social aspects that directly effects Generation-X (Those born from 1965-1982) including all the spending previous generations (i.e. The Baby Boomers) are doing that Gen-X and Y will end up paying for.
Freep mail me to be added or dropped. See my home page for details.
To regurgitate an old cliche: nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Except for homosexuals. They are the only ones for whom marriage is not considered an outdated concept.
To regurgitate an old cliche: nothing ventured, nothing gained.
To offer a new cliche: nothing ventured, 50%+ of your income not lost
Having come from a dysfunctional family, I'm all too much aware that not everybody is cut out for marriage and family. Being alone isn't all that bad.
No way. Gay marriages will change that statistic for sure. </ sarcasm >
Grooming Herself to be a Bride without a Groom
OMAHA, Neb- Janet Downes is sparing no effort for her June 27 wedding.
There will be a choir, a wedding gown, the usual wedding cake and flowers -- but no groom. She is getting married to herself.
Downes, who turns 40 that day, decided on the mock wedding as a way of celebrating the fact that she is "happy with herself", regardless of the men in her life.
She'll exchange vows by reciting in front of a mirror, "I, Janet Downes, take myself with all my strengths and faults..." The music program will include the song "My Way" and a ditty Downes penned herself: "We've got to kiss a lot of frogs/Just to find that prince/You know what girls?/I'm not convinced."
More than 200 friends and relatives, including her fiancé of four years, are expected to attend, but there will be no priest. Downes said she might conduct a legal wedding with her fiancé some time in the future.
Let's not think about her honeymoon, shall we.
Please come to my "It's All About Meeeeeee" wedding celebration. I hope she didn't expect the guests to bring gifts.
She makes me ashamed to be Korean.
I hear you, brother. Had that happen to me. But I'm dating again albeit with it understood there's no way I'm ever getting married again. Once bitten, twice shy.
I was married 30 years, now divorced almost a year, and have a junior in high school. Now that I'm uncurled from the fetal position I was in when I learned my marriage was over, I am seeing a LOT of advantages to being single. I'm learning how to selfishlessly indulge myself (within the parameters of being a good mother). This is a new and fun thing for me after so many years of always putting myself second. While I have some sadness about the approaching empty nest, I'm also excited about the possibilities that are ahead of me. I'll never say never, but for now a new relationship is not even on my radar. I love my new independence.
Finding a man who is straight and not a liberal is difficult in New England and the mid-Atlantic states. Check out the South! Men in the south are gentlemen and their politics tend to be conservative. (They all want sex though)
The people I knew who were unhappy single are still unhappy, married or not.
I don't get it!
Bwahahahahahahaha!!! (now I do)
And some people are happy being single, then unhappy being married, and then happy again being single! ; )
Of course those areas are high in the number of singles ... they are FULL of retirees that have become widows / widowers. A high rate of singles is not uncommon in that age range. To draw meaningful conclusions about those choosing to delay marriage or be unattached, the author should have limited their analysis to younger demographics.
...now that I have hit my 50's, singleness has become a curse. The friends I used to hang with fell by the wayside once they got married. The various aquaintences I have met since those years I really have nothing in common with. Team sports I used to participate in eventually evolved to do it on your own sports as those folks drifted away too.
Fortunately for me, athletic activity has always been a passion and has ultimately sustained me for all these years. I shudder to think what kind of an individual I would be had I not taken to sports and had to deal with living alone for so long without them.
I suspect I would have ended up like that guy you see in your favorite bar who is there till closing time night after night.
2 nights ago I received a call from my friend Ron who is also a lifetime single but at least he has a girlfriend of over 10 years. He called to inform me that one of friends of many, many years ago (Ron went to school with the guy) committed suicide this past week. What a blow to hear that! Ron said he had just talked with him a couple weeks ago and Danny was praising his business and how everything was going so well. Obviously not as well as he let on.
Anyway, Ronnie and I were lamenting the fact that neither one of us had married and had kids.
When you consider the life cycle of the family unit, our parents raised us, reveled in the success of knowing that we never ended up in jail or got killed and enjoyed the remaining years they both had together once we got out on our own. They enjoyed our family get togethers but were probably relieved to get home each evening to the peace and quiet of their own house.
As they got older and more infirm, the kids became more involved in now helping them out as much as they could. Eventually Mom and Dad both passed away leaving the kids to carry on the cycle. As for Ron and I, the cycle will stop with us as we never created families of our own.
I have 2 step-sisters who are much older than I and the law of averages predicts they will pass on before I do. When that happens, the true reality of "singleness" will become all too clear.......
Hopefully, before that happens, I will have been able to find someone to spend the remaining years of my life with.
For all of you with families, you don't know how much I envy you and for all of you who wish you were single, be very careful of what you wish for.....
There was a news article posted as a thread here a few weeks ago, all about young women who moved to NYC purely to live a "Sex and the City" lifestyle. Of course, it turns out that the lifestyle largely doesn't exist, so they're all miserable, empty and alone as a result.