WORST HOLIDAY SONGS (Streisand at #4, just behind the "Jingle Bells" dogs)

NY Post ^ | December 7, 2004 | JOHN MAINELLI

[presidio9]

EVER been driven up the chimney by a Christmas song that you really, really hate? New Jersey researchers have named the six worst Christmas songs of all time, as picked by holiday-music fans who were asked to rate more than 600 yule tunes.

The biggest lump of coal goes to "O Holy Night" as sung by the foul-mouthed Cartman from "South Park," according to Edison Media Research.

Close behind are Seymour Swine & the Squealers' butchered "Blue Christmas," "Jingle Bells" by The Singing Dogs and, separately, Barbra Streisand — and "12 Days of Guido Christmas" by the Ha Ya Doin' Boys.

"We play — very lightly — the Barbra Streisand version of 'Jingle Bells' because she's got a following in New York," says Jim Ryan, programmer of top-rated Lite FM (WLTW/106.7).

"People tend not to like it because it's a really fast, up-tempo version of 'Jingle Bells' — almost like she did it as a goof," Ryan told The Post.

WPLJ (95.5 FM) music director Tony Mascaro says his research turned up a sixth song that listeners can't stand: Elmo & Patsy's "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."

[Skooz]

Is that the same guy that does "Sabado Gigante?"

No. This one is a Gospel singer/songwriter. He's from Colorado.

[presidio9]

Oooh, I was just about to add that one. For me, fingernails on the blackboard.

I'll one-up you: Madonna's version of Santa Baby.

[boxerblues]

The worst has got to be this one, I cring everytime I hear it.
I farted on Santa's knee

Mom made beans for dinner
you know i ate em all
said come get your coat on
goin to the mall gona visit santa
and sit apon his knee
but all that I could think about
was how not to cut the cheese
waiting there for santa
thought that id explode
the gas bubble grew bigger
with every ho ho ho
try my best to hide that I was doing swell
but when Isat down on santas lap he hollard whats that smell !
~chorus~
I farted on santas lap
now Christmas is gonna stink for me I farted on santas lap

now ill get &*&*&*& under my Christmas tree
I asked him for a baseball
I asked him for a bat
I asked him for some ice skates
but I'll get none of that
I asked him for a lot of things
I'll have to do with out
when i sat down on santas lap
I let one slip out
~chorus~
On Christmas eve I snuck out
of my bed with out a sound
went down to the living room to take a look around
and then I saw santa next to the Christmas tree
his arms were full of presents and they were all for me
put them in a pile got up to turn around
then blew a fart with such great force our tree all most
so I'll always charish that special moment when
I realized even old saint nick rips one now and then
~chorus~

[muleskinner]

I just heard a female redition of "Happy Holidays", while shopping at a variety store. Very unobtrusive and forgetable...'til the end. She quits singing and says "Happy Holidays" a couple of times, then starts singing "Happy etc" again. The song mercifully ends there.

About a 7 on the Yikes scale.

[Hatteras]

"...its on his "Twisted Christmas" album."

Is that the one that also has "Police Stopped my Car" sung to the tune of "Feliz Navidad"? I kind of like that one.

[Steve_Seattle]

"Lennon also became more lazy."

Anyone with a guitar can sit down and in a couple of hours crank out songs as good as "My Mommy's Dead", "Working Class Hero," "God", or "Well, Well, Well." If Lennon didn't already have a reputation and a ready audience - if he was just some guy starting out - those songs never would have been published or recorded.

[Serb5150]

I've got a weak spot for the Jingle Cats Go Tell It on the Mountain. But then again, I have no taste.

Best Christmas song ever?

[presidio9]

For me it's "Merry Christmas" by the waitresses. Makes me want to run out and buy them some tranquilizers.

[Ciexyz]

Actually, I like Paul McCartney's "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time". Makes me feel happy.

[JCEccles]

Maybe she is referring to Yeshiva the way Christians talk about Sunday school.

That's a sensible explanation.

The larger substantive point remains that under liberal pressure Christmas has been methodically gutted of any spiritual significance that once bound most Americans to its common public cultural focus. The only "Christmas" music really allowed without protest in the public sphere today is the puerile and the profane.

Even many conservatives are complicit in the destruction of the tradition. Sing "O Holy Night" with reverence in public and the ACLU will seek an injunction before you get to the word "stars." But allow cartoon character Eric Cartman to take the public stage and spew the most foul and corrupted version of it that can be imagined and we guffaw, applaud, and whistle our approval while the ACLU turns blithely away with tacit approval.

I can enjoy a good joke and a funny song or Christmas sketch as well as the next person. In the 70s Cheech & Chong did a very funny bit about Santa using magic dust to get "real small"; the restaurant scene in "A Christmas Story" in which a Chinese crew sings "deck the hawrs with berrs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra" always cracks me up too. But that silly stuff was adjunct to the Christmas season when I was a child. The underlying foundation of the season remained the birth of Jesus Christ, an event that most of us celebrated and shared communally in a reserved and dignified fashion.

Now all that's left is the profane and silly stuff lest our quiet, dignified cultural celebration offend atheists and other Christophobe liberals.

[MrLee]

Wasn't that "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses?

[Hatteras]

"Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm tellin you why...Santa Claus is DEAD!"

[retrokitten]

"Merry Christmas" by the waitresses

Oh. My. God. I think I had blocked that one out because it's so awful.

[fritzz]

Actually it all wears on me by [about] the 24th.

[DJ Frisat]

What -- nobody's mentioned The Ventures' version of Sleigh Ride?

(ok, so it's my favorite... I'm sure somebody hates it...)

[presidio9]

Wasn't that "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses?

If you say so. Either way, its just plain annoying.

[CharlieOK1]

Let's see, songs I like a lot are the ones form the "Charlie Brown Christmas Special." A side note, everytime Linus reads from the Bible about the true meaning of Christmas in the auditorium, I get a tingle in my spine and a warm feeling in my heart.

I agree 1000%! It doesnt feel like the Christmas season until I have seen it. I have been playing the soundtrack all the time since I (finally) got it. Guaraldi had a knack for capturing a mood.

[Tanniker Smith]

I have to give Streisand one thing, though: she helped me win an argument at an old job.
I had a cd-player in the bottom drawer, which was kept open only slightly, so only I could hear it. In December, the Christmas tunes came out -- and I had many of them.

Only once did someone complain that the music was disturbing them in another cubicle, which resulted in a smile, an apology and turning the music down slightly. But no one ever complained on religious grounds. A good thing, too, because I was ready for the them. I had Streisand's and Mannilow's CD in waiting (actually, in my wife's collection at home where I would have borrowed them from).

I was ready to respond: but they're *Jewish* Christmas tunes. And let me add this: Mannilow was more of a Winter Wonderland kind of guy, but Striesand goes straight for "Ave, Maria".

Annoying songs would have to include Mariah Carey's "Joy to the World" from her Christmas album. He covered the Three Dog Night version. (I am NOT making this up.)

TS

[Steve_Seattle]

The real Christmas message isn't just being purged from music, it's being purged from the stores. A few years ago I noticed that Santa Claus figures were being transformed into New Age wizard-type characters, with half-moons on his hat etc. And it's hard to find Christmas cards with a religious them in many stores, and I noticed this year that Fred Meyer stores (large West Coast chain) don't have nativity sets for sale.

[presidio9]

WPLJ in NY switched to an all-Christmas format the day after Thanksgiving and the play it constantly.