Posted on 01/24/2005 12:57:28 AM PST by JohnHuang2
Close encounters of the Byrd kind
By Doug Powers
Are there aliens walking among us? I believe that events in the past year more than prove this, but some scientists aren't yet on board with the notion.
Given the supposed age and size of the universe, and assuming we're not alone, some theorize that Earth should have been visited and/or colonized by now. The absence of evidence for such visits is known as "Fermi's Paradox."
This from an article on Space.com:
A team of American scientists note that recent astrophysical discoveries suggest that we should find ourselves in the midst of one or more extraterrestrial civilizations. Moreover, they argue it is a mistake to reject all UFO reports since some evidence for the theoretically predicted extraterrestrial visitors might just be found there.
The article referenced is titled, "Inflation-Theory Implications for Extraterrestrial Visitation" (The "Inflation-Theory" is not to be confused with the "Stagflation-Theory," which claims that Jimmy Carter is an alien ... we may get to him later).
Scientists are saying we need to begin taking more seriously UFO sightings by Earthlings. As a result, these scientists spent countless hours brooding over Einstein's formulas and Enrico Fermi's theories, desperate to find reasons to believe that Roscoe from Porkslap, Ark., wasn't lying when he claimed he was rectally probed by interstellar proctologists from Sigmoid-9 in the galaxy Alpha-Sphinktauri.
If these scientists would only follow the news, they would know that aliens are here. But who are they, and how do we differentiate them from those who only seem
like aliens, but actually aren't. Here's a short list to get scientists started on the notion that "Fermi's paradox" is extinct.
Dan Rather: Alien
A distant civilization wouldn't necessarily be adept at recognizing documents doctored by agenda-driven earthlings. Rumors of Jon Stewart, of "The Daily Show," having a role on the CBS Evening News make Stewart a possible alien as well. How can we tell the difference between the two programs? One show is parody news and current events stories with a comical liberal slant, and the other is on Comedy Central.
Barbara Boxer: Not an alien
One would have to assume that a superior culture would – should they use makeup – use a mirror while applying it. Boxer recently questioned Condoleezza Rice's "respect for the truth." An advanced intelligence would be more in tune with introspective recognition of irony, and couldn't have said this without laughing.
Michael Moore: Alien
It is virtually impossible for the discerning scientist to observe Moore without concluding that he is a container for some sort of alien plot – a "Trojan horse," out of which will someday jump thousands of little green unshaven leftists who will go on to make millions of dollars exposing the evils of greed.
Robert Byrd: Not an alien
The senator with the most seniority and head "Kleagle Eagle" of the minion of attorneys who comprise Congress could be mistaken for an alien, but no self-respecting visitor from the outer reaches of the galaxy could pull off a Foghorn Leghorn accent so convincingly.
Tom Brokaw: Alien
If there's one person who I fully expect to someday peel his face off to reveal a pale character with a huge head, antennae, large black eyes and a cosmic inability to properly pronounce words with "L's" in them, it's the former anchor of the NBC Nightly News.
Ted Kennedy: Not an alien
Beings that could traverse billions of miles across the galaxy would certainly be able to get an Oldsmobile across a short bridge.
Jesse Jackson: Alien
Informed us there were a million people denied the right to vote. Jackson's ability to know how many of them there were, even though the whole point of the thing is that they were denied the right to be counted in the first place, makes him definitely not of this world.
Bill O'Reilly: Not an alien
Andromedan intellect would possess ESP capabilities, and could transmit instructions on what to do with the loofah without the need to use quaint technology like a telephone. He would also know "name and town" without having to ask.
Hillary Clinton: Alien
The steely eyes and demeanor that give you the same biological reaction as skinny dipping the North Atlantic is your body's way of telling you to run for your life. If Hillary runs for president and wins, she may ship political enemies off to be used as slave labor in the FBI-file mines on the third moon of Castle Grande Centauri. Don't say I didn't warn you.
James Carville: Not an alien
We must presume that an ET would at least attempt to disguise itself.
Yes indeed, we've found some aliens, but there are more out there. Who are they? No doubt the next presidential election will help expose more.
Author's note: I've recently begun depleting the ozone layer of the blogosphere. Visit my new Web log for daily thoughts and responses to select reader e-mail.
"FOR THE CHILDREN - it's - it's a cookbook!!"
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